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A discussion to stoke your writing fire.
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:44 AM PST
the golden fleece is good.....adds more substance too
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:50 PM PST
Maybe "golden fleece" may suggest the problem is solved one day by the hand from above, and I don't think that's what you mean, so I should go for the second one.
Sounds promising, can't wait to read it!
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:47 PM PST
I don't associate the golden fleece with dying, more with a kind of generic quest thing (it seems strange to associate the western concept God with a Greek mythological object too).
I would go with the 'at peace' one, but you're into metrical problems there as the first line has 7 beats with 3 stresses while the 'golden fleece' line has 8 and 4, and 'finally at peace' has 9 and 3. You need to drop a couple of syllables from the second one - maybe 'Till we rest in final peace' which has 7 beats and 3 stresses in roughly the right slots, and roughly matches the 'cycle' line.
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:21 PM PST
I am preparing to post another poem however I have having lots of trouble deciding how to word 2 lines:
The cycle seems not to cease
Until we see the Golden fleece (or Until we are finally at peace)
Which sounds better? i wanted to imply death. (by Golden fleece i was referring to God in Heaven) The poem is generally about struggling to overcome drugs - how we condemn our self to "death" once we enter the cycle. And breaking the cycle is only possible from one last friend. Thanks!