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A discussion to stoke your writing fire.
Posted: 1/28/2011 11:37 AM PST
Sentence fragments have their place, but when there are so many of them I stop reading. The first paragraph needs some setting. I can see what you want me to see but I don't know where it's happening. I see a sky and flashes. Where are the flashes coming from? Where is this happening? Where are these red eyes (who owns them)? I think you have the beginnings of something good but I have no idea where this is happening or who it is happening to.
Take some of the description out of the second paragraph and merge it with the first. It is good to start with something catchy, but if your whole first paragraph is just vague descriptions I'm going to lose that interest fast.
If there's a queen involved, we should have a little description about why they are fighting whatever it is. This isn't something random that just happened for no reason. They are fighting for something. You don't want to give everything away but make it a little more concrete for us.
You're third paragraph is fine.
From what I see, you need more concrete descriptions (tell us the who, what, where, and why) and that will make it easier to visualize. You don't have to tell us every little fact right now. What you have is so vague that it is really hard to stay interested.
Posted: 1/15/2011 5:58 PM PST
A thought just stroke me: It seemed funny how you, in the first stanza writes somewhat long sentences, while in the next, you use ultra short sentences - an advice is to mix it up instead. Secondly, I think this is pretty interesting! A little work as to where your "layout", or what one might say, goes, but over-all pretty intriguing. I get a funny movie-like feeling about your written work here; you ever thought of writing that kind of manuscripts? HOWEVER. There is a clear shift from the first to third stanza, and that is just great, as one then anticipates further explanation as to who "she" and Atlas is - and the trainer! - and why the red eyes are familiar..... very intriguing (;
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:15 PM PST
So I've got an opening to the fantasy novel I'm working on but I'm not 100% convinced it's enough to hold my readers' attention. Any feedback is appreciated.
Red eyes glowed in the dark, reflecting the multi-colored flashes from the sky above. Evil pleasure protruded through the flashes, and a cold, malicious grin spread wide on its face. A green, blinding flash and the familiar red eyes were gone. Green mist floated higher, casting a green glow over the terrain, and it was over.
The silence that followed was deafening. She was frozen under the energy flashes above. They faded away while the green mist took over. The end had come, and they had lost. She fell to her knees, trying to clear her head. She was in the forest. She shook her head--too far from the town square. Where had she been when the queen went down? She stood; her head swam, but she shook it off and reached quickly for her staff. Her hurry was pointless; she could no longer feel him. Still, to be unarmed? She wasn't the trainers' daughter for nothing...
She turned; something moved behind her. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped her staff tighter. The gold ridges dug into her skin. She held her breath at the shadow in the dark--she almost screamed. A snort broke the silence and a twig snapped. She raised her staff, ready to strike. Another twig snapped, and a white leg came into the clearing. She sighed, relaxing her grip. "Atlas, you scared me."