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A discussion to stoke your writing fire.
Posted: 2/26/2010 6:14 PM PST
Personally, I like the first one. It grabbed me from start to finish. The other ones seemed sort of bland, if you know what I mean. No offence. I think that the first one could have more of a plot line and the characters would be more interesting.
Watch out for plot holes!!!
Posted: 2/26/2010 3:12 AM PST
"When college student Oraien Zeal rushed through the halls of his school"
if he has a school he is either teacher or student, if he rushes down the hall nine times out of ten he's not a teacher
"When Oraien Zeal rushed through the halls of his school"
Not at all to the point: why Oraien Zeal? What epoch? Future or remote past?
Posted: 2/26/2010 3:10 AM PST
Hook 1 is most vivid, hook 2 most ironic. Hook 3 - hmmm - a bit cliché.
Details of hook 1, do not break it down into two sentences, but cut down unnecessary words - I would begin with "college student". You need no comma after Oraien Zeal.
Posted: 2/22/2010 11:47 AM PST
What SlowCheetah said. Hook1 is most gripping, but it's one way-too-long run-on sentence. It needs to be broken somewhere, maybe where SlowCheetah suggested or maybe after "World's destruction". If the latter, consider changing the following "But" to a "However", since it's said by some to be bad form to start a sentence with a conjunction.
Posted: 2/22/2010 1:13 AM PST
I would definately take #1, but make two small changes:
End a sentence here and start a new one.
"but after arriving a moment too late and witnessing the dead bodies of family and friends, reality struck him so fast that "
Take out a part, so it says:
but after arriving a moment too late, reality struck him so fast that
That way, you don't give away too much right on.
Good luck writing if it isn't finished!
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:39 AM PST
I have made three. Please see what is the best to you all. I'm ready to send query's' so I need the best hook. What grabs you the best?
When college student Oraien Zeal, rushed through the halls of his school and down the narrow road that lead into the city, he did not think of fear, he did not entertain sadness, all that he could process was rage from the sight of his home world’s destruction, but after arriving a moment too late and witnessing the dead bodies of family and friends, reality struck him so fast that it awakened a dormant power hidden within him that would allow his revenge.
College student Oraien Zeal did not know he was destined to be born three thousand years ago, but his older twin brother bitterly informed him of the facts just before death was Oraien’s sentence for breaking into the military space facility.
The ancient history of Antares had foretold the coming of a young guardian named Oraien Zeal who will unite the mighty ring and cast light upon the echo warrior, but in the final hour of the new war his judgment will bring destruction or salvation to the universe.