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WEbook Forums > The Genre Café > Humor & Satire Forum > What's in a username? (Let me tell you.)
Start laughing!
Posted: 4/2/2010 12:43 AM PDT
My name is Glen. My user name is wordwaymike. Some would think that my user name should be "wordwayglen" and I suppose that it could be. If I wanted a user name that projected an image of my persona as being a sallow faced, anemic Vegan. Seeing as how I refrain from episodes of self loathing (for the most part) I have no negative issues with people named Glen either. Although, I do feel that it is pretentious to add a second "n" to the name. What's that all about? So all of you "Glens" out there just count to 10 and focus your impotent rage on some one else. OK? I'm just mad that I got painted with the same name brush! (Was the previous statement a joke? Or a desperate cry for help? Could it be both? Is there a fourth answer?) Nor am I down on pasty faced individuals as a general rule of thumb. To be honest, I must come clean and admit that I am, in fact uhhhmmm....lacking a tan. I stated that I didn't want to be envisioned as a sallow-face, ultra-violet rays deprived type of individual. I said nothing about whether or not I resembled that remark. And I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not so stupid as to openly, and publicly trash talk someone who has a serious blood disorder like anemia. Which is why I have done so anonymously. Hiding behind my fictitious username. Just because some one's blood has an iron deficiency doesn't mean that he can't beat you sensless. As for Vegans... Personally, I feel that they should merely be pitied, and not scorned. I have nothing at all against vegetarians, or vegetables for that matter. In fact, I LOVE vegetables. So much so that if them leaf eaters would just let me have a little meat each week I would happily join their ranks. BuuuuutT NooooooOOOOO! Why can't these photo-synthesis dependent, green tea intoxicated malcontents, and their sprout, and tofu addicted cohorts let me incorporate and ounce or two of meat, or even some tasty meat by-product each week? I would be like a "Jack" Vegetarian. Which is a lot like how a whiskey drinking, cigarette smoking, female chasing Mormon is referred to as a "Jack" Mormon. Except that I'm without whiskey, smokes, and female hotties. Dang! Even those trouble making Mormons are living a better life than me! I am a flesh eating, carcass loving "meatie" as I will call my gastrointestinal kind, for the lack of a better word springing to mind. And while it is true tha we partake of animal protein with the same dignity and decorum as is displayed by a pack of wild Hyenas divvying up some antelope that they just strong arm robbed from some dumb lion, that's nothing compared to the ferocity exhibited by "veggers" fighting over the last slice of quiche. Talk about "take no prisoners" for god's sake! So whether you're a meatie, or a vegger, in the final analysis a feeding frenzy is a feeding frenzy. It's all good! Errr... except for them folks that have developed a taste for meat that is considerably past its "sell date" (and you could date it by its smell too!) But let ye that has never eaten an old, green piece of bologna a time or two in your life cast the first bone! (And if there's any tasty meat left on it, you know that it's gonna be gone before you get it back!) We (meaties) need to "Own" our bone. And beat our aggravatingly noisy spirit drums with them. We can also make weapons with some of the bones. And use them to bring down other animals that we can barbecue, fry, bake, broil, steam, sauté, baste, skewer, sear, etc.. Us meaties also need an organization that is similar to P.E.T.A, , that would represent those among us that are carnivorously inclined. We need an advocacy group to highlight any, and all beneficial rewards that are off-shoots of eating flesh. Maybe I should have worded that last sentence in a less visually descriptive manner... But wake up and smell the beef tallow people! That's what's going on!. And we shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of our meat loving ways. We are direct descendent's of those cave dwelling, flea picking, Woolly Mammoth chomping knuckle draggers. Men who never met a carbohydrate that they didn't like. Which is why that every Thanksgiving since Fred and Wilma Flintstone left the cave and bought a pre-fab slab cave in Bedrock the ancient carnivorous clan has united in small clusters nation wide to "have at it" as it were until even the Turkey's carcass is picked clean. And make no mistake, we love the symbology inherent in anything that we can eat that's correctly classified as a "carcass." So... You can have your leeks, and watercress my calorically challenged brother, or sister. And, if I am not stoned to death by the Vegee Nazis for having some roast beef on my breath, I will even join you in a reverent prayer of thanks that praises the wonders of a baked potato, with butter, sour cream, and chives. For it is good. Yea verily so. Amen, and pass the Baco Bits.
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