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Start laughing!
Posted: 9/5/2010 5:34 AM PDT
I think I've heard about 95% of these jokes already. lol But they're funny everytime.
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Posted: 4/24/2010 8:43 AM PDT
hey I got one. Blonde: "I love that t.v. How much is it?" Slaesman: "We don't sell our items to blondes" Next day Blonde(with black wig): "How much for that t.v.?" Salesman:"We don't sell our items to blondes" Next day Blonde(Recolored every hair on her body,no traces of blond hair):"How much for that t.v.?" Slaesman:"We don't sell-" Blonde: "How do you know I'm blonde? I've dyed everything black!" Salesman:"Because this isn't a t.v., It's a MICROWAVE."
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Posted: 4/21/2010 1:35 PM PDT
Now that's funny!
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Posted: 4/21/2010 1:26 PM PDT
You might like these too............ One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends", I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Ohio State!" A couple is lying in bed. The man says,"I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, " I'll miss you." It's just too hot to wear clothes today", Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money", she replied. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking sensitive man? A: A rumor! Q:What do you call a handcuffed man? A:Trustworthy! Q:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A:You did not hold the pillow down long enough!
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Posted: 12/27/2009 9:33 PM PST
LOL A boy is pulling a donkey past the army barracks when one of the soldiers calls "you better hold on tight to your brother there, friend." As the rest of the soldiers laugh, the boy looks up. "Yeah! if I don’t hold on tight he might join the army." _________________________________________ One day, an angel comes down from heaven and gives life to two naked statues, one a man and the other a woman. "You may have one hour to do as you please, before I turn you back to stone" the angel tells them. The statues look at each other knowingly and then disappear into the bushes, with much giggling. Half an hour passes and they come out of the bushes. "You still have half an hour left" the angel tells them. "Ok," says the Male statue to the angel. Then he turns to the Female statue, "now I’ll hold the pigeon down and you poo on it" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man arrives at heaven and Saint Peter says to him, "your record is very good. You have helped someone, you have been honest and you have not committed any of the seven deadly sins. Just one thing, have you done anything brave in your life?" "Yes!" the man says, "I was at a football match surrounded by Man. U. supporters and I said as loudly as I could "Arsenal is the best team in the world!"" "Oh! Alright, let me see if we have a record of this. When did this happen?" "About five minutes ago"
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Posted: 12/3/2009 11:17 AM PST
A man hires an assassin to kill his 40 year-old wife. The assassin meets him in an abandoned carpark, and shows him the high-powered sniper rifle with which the assassination will be executed. "I will shot her just below her left breast," the assassin promised. "Dammit!" fumed the husband, "I want you to kill the woman, not kneecap her!"
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Posted: 8/12/2009 7:50 AM PDT
A man died and went to heaven. At the gate St. Peter said, 'We have different types of transport for the newly dead, rated according to your level of goodness on earth. If you were of excellent character, never cheated on your partner you will get a luxury stretch limousine. If you only cheated a few times you'll get a cadillac and if you cheated a bit more than a few times you'll get a compact car and so on. Now, as you were a naughty boy with that chorus lineup and that boy scout, you are getting a compact car. So the man drove off. Half an hour later a man in a limousine spotted our guy leaning over his car hood, crying his eyes out so he pulled over. 'What's up?' he asked. Our guy sobbed, 'My wife just passed me on a pair of skates.'
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Posted: 7/28/2009 4:46 PM PDT
Let's go to the island of Nunya. .... .......... ................ .................... NUNYA BUISNESS. Definitely corny. :D
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Posted: 7/14/2009 6:23 PM PDT

TsungChi
Okay, I'll listen to myself: Why did the golfer where two pairs of pant? In case he got a hole in one.
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Posted: 7/14/2009 4:50 AM PDT

TsungChi
(Note: Just moved this over from our Just For Fun forum....let's keep it going.)
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Posted: 3/25/2009 8:58 AM PST
SO there was this beautiful princess whom, naturally, lived in a castle. And men from all around had heard of her beauty and rode to her castle to win her hand in marriage. Now all of this flattery had made the princess very snotty. She refused every man who came to her door by pouring the contents of her chamber pot out over his head. By and by came this one knight, Sir Benny. Benny, like many others, had heard tell of the princess's beauty...and the other's failures. But he said, "I'm better than those other men were: I'll win the princess for sure." So Benny got on his horse and rode up to the castle. He pounded on the door and yelled: "Let me in, I want to marry you!" The princess looked over the wall, saw who it was, and poured out her chamber pot onto his head. But Benny didn't give up. He pounded on the door again and yelled: "Let me in, I want to marry you." So the princess boiled a pot of water and poured that over the wall onto Benny's head. But Benny still didn't give up. "Let me in, I want to marry you." Now the princess was getting annoyed. She took a pan of oil, lit it on fire, and poured THAT over the wall onto Benny's head. Benny jumped out of the saddle and rolled around on the ground to put out the flames, and then walked right back up to the door. "Let me in, I want to marry you." Now the princess was angry. She went into her room and mixed up a big cauldron of asphalt, and poured that over the wall onto Benny's head. The asphalt buried him so he couldn't move and he died of suffocation. And that only goes to show that a Benny paved is a Benny spurned.
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Posted: 2/11/2009 12:19 PM PST
hee hee hee :D
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Posted: 2/11/2009 12:04 PM PST
and so thanks to my cousin once again he has struck.. and this time with these in tow. ENJOY !!! Thought these might make you all laugh . . . . > Saturday morning I got up early - it was still dark - , quietly > dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. > I put my golf clubs in the trunk of the car and proceeded to back out > into a torrential downpour. > > The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, > turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. > > I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into > bed. > > I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, > and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' > > My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid > husband is out golfing in that?' > > And then the fight started ... > > _____ > > > My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. > She asked, 'What's on TV?' > > I said, 'Dust.' > > And then the fight started... > > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- > > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming > anniversary. > She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 > seconds.' > > I bought her a bathroom scale. > > And then the fight started... > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- - -------- > > I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace > expensive... > so, I took her to a gas station. > > And then the fight started... > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- > > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for > Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my > driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and > realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was > very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. > > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt > revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your > chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security > application. > > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the > Social Security office. > > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten > disability, too.' > > And then the fight started... > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I > kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at > a nearby table. > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to > drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear > she hasn't been sober since.' > > 'My Gosh!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on > celebrating that long?' > > And then the fight started... > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- > > I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my > order first. > "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." > > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" > > Nah, she can order for herself." > > And then the fight started... > > ------------ --------- --------- --- > > A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. > She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel > horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. > I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.' > > And then the fight started..... > > ------------ --------- --------- ------ > > I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for > $14.95. > > She denied me it. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. > > She said she'd look pretty after using the cold cream. I told her > that's what the beer was for. > And then the fight started.... > > ------------ --------- --------- --------- ----- > > My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told > her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday > > and then the fight started..... > > ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ > > A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. > > Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from > outside. > > The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man > 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' > > So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the > window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush > and to his car as fast as he could go. > > A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and > screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' > > The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' > > And then the fight started..... > > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- > > I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our 20th anniversary?" > > It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. > "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. > > So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" > > And that's when the fight started.... > > ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- > > My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we > were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" > > "No," she answered. > > I then said, "Is that your final answer?" > > She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." > > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > > And that's when the fight started....
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Posted: 2/2/2009 1:04 PM PST

Levimont
"Are you a real cowboy?" "Sure am, ma'am. Don't you see my pristine white ten-gallon Stetson cowboy hat?" "Yeah, but I don't think you're a real cowboy." "Sure am, ma'am. Don't you see my western-cut cowboy shirt, with mother-of-pearl buttons and four-inch cuffs?" "Yeah, but I don't think you're a real cowboy." "Sure am, ma'am. Don't you see my authentic leather, fringed-and-conchoed, rugged cowboy vest?" "Yeah, but I don't think you're a real cowboy." "Sure am, ma'am. Don't you see my siver-and-turquoise cowboy buckle as big as a dinner plate?" "Yeah, but I don't think you're a real cowboy." "Sure am, ma'am. Don't you see my skin-tight, boot-cut cowboy jeans?" "Yeah, but if you're a real cowboy, shouldn't you wear cowboy boots?" "Look, ma'am, I said I was a cowboy, not a truck driver!"
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Posted: 1/28/2009 4:40 PM PST

Levimont
Parrot joke: A young couple receives a parrot as a wedding gift. The woman who gave them the parrot told them "Now you be careful where you put that bird. Don't put him where vistors can hear him, because he's got truly foul language. He belonged to my husband, and when he died the day before I got your wedding invitation, I thought this would be a perfect chance to get rid of him." Yes, I know what you're thinking, but that's the punchline to a different joke. Bear with me. Well, the young couple were leaving on their honeymoon right away, so they had to take the parrot to the hotel with them. He laughed and squawked at all their bumbling efforts to make a memorable first night in bed, until they got sick of it and covered his cage with a bedspread. "Now you shut up!" the groom told him, "or we'll give you to a zoo!" Not another peep was heard from him all night (although he did have to supress several fits of giggles). In the morning, the bride was unable to latch her suitcase (too many towels and bars of soap added from the room, I guess). The groom said "Here, you get on top, and we'll see if that works," and he had her sit on the suitcase. She wasn't very heavy though, so he said "No, here, I'll get on top." That still didn't work. "Let's both get on top," she said. The parrot ripped the bedspread off the cage, shouting "Zoo or no zoo, THIS I gotta see!"
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Posted: 1/27/2009 1:50 PM PST
Those last two made me crack up!! Hahaha!! The smart ass answers are funny too. I've got one - It's a little long winded :) A man had to shut his noisy parrot in the freezer to stop it squawking. After an hour he let it out and told it to keep quiet. The parrot replied: "Yes, please don't do to me what you did to the chicken!!"
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Posted: 1/27/2009 9:36 AM PST
Thanks to my cousin who has nothing to do all day but find jokes on the internet.... here ya go Smart-Ass Answers of The Year SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exa m with your other hand.' Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.' A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' He never heard the shot....
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Posted: 1/24/2009 8:31 PM PST

TsungChi
*snort* Hey, you hear about the giant that threw up? No? Surprised you haven't, it's all over town.
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Posted: 1/23/2009 4:50 AM PST
*muffled laugh*
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Posted: 1/23/2009 2:42 AM PST
Customer in Chinese restaurant: "This chicken is rubbery." Restaurant manager: "Thank you velly much!"
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Posted: 1/23/2009 2:41 AM PST
Chinaman: "Your new Plesident isn't leally the people's choice. It's all just a matter of money not democlacy!" American: "Well when did you last have an election?" Chinaman: "Just before bleakfast!"
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Posted: 1/21/2009 12:03 PM PST
where would you find a tortoise with no legs..........where you left it
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Posted: 1/19/2009 10:32 PM PST
LoL SarahD! LOL What is invisible and smells like carrots? >: )* Bunny farts. tee hee.
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Posted: 1/19/2009 9:48 PM PST
A woman went in to see her doctor one day, Dr. Chang, complaining that her sex drive was high, but she couldn't get any men. Dr. Chang told her to take off all her clothes, which the woman did. He then told her to get on her hands and knees across the room, and crawl to him on all floors. Once the woman had done this, Dr. Chang told her to turn around and crawl back across the room, away from him. Once the woman had done this, Dr. Chang stared at her for a moment before picking up his clipboard. "Werr, just from rooking at you I was armost positive what your diagnosis wourd be. You have Ed Zachary Disease." he proclaimed.. "What's Ed Zachary Disease?" the woman asked, horrified. "It means your face rook ed zachary rike your ass."
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Posted: 1/18/2009 2:31 AM PST
I guess he was Grumpy!
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Posted: 1/17/2009 3:12 PM PST
Very corny
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Posted: 1/17/2009 1:52 PM PST
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a light while not really paying attention. The driver got out.. He was a dwarf..... He said, "I'm not happy"... I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
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Posted: 12/19/2008 7:24 AM PST
TsungChi, That is a really shitty joke! Here's a topical one: BOSS: "I've got some bad news and some good news for you. I know that you are expecting a raise in pay, but this year, due to the credit crunch, you will be getting a 50% pay cut instead." WORKER: "But what's the good news?" BOSS: "It's going to be backdated six months!"
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Posted: 12/17/2008 9:21 AM PST
*snort* Note to self: Don't read jokes when eating yoghurt. Takes ages to clean up.
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Posted: 12/17/2008 8:28 AM PST

TsungChi
Anyone got any? The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity was distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "Sh*t" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
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