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Posted: 12/6/2013 4:44 AM PST
Shirley and pdsuitt has made some excellent suggestions. In fact, I think they covered just about everything. The only other things I will add are the following:

1) "carcasses of old cars and dead bodies"
     this is redundant, a carcass is a dead body

2) "The streets are empty. Nothing but the carcasses of old cars and dead bodies lay on the roads."
     its not good to tell the reader that the streets are empty, and then change it by saying there are dead bodies and cars lying around. It may cause the reader to go back and reread parts of the story.

3) "The city which was once had color and beauty seemed to have had "
     avoid the word "seemed." You are th storyteller, and this word tells the reader that you are not sure what you are saying.

I can't honestly say if I would want to read more or not. Right now it is just a little description. Do you have an overall book summary written?

Good luck,
Gabriel
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Posted: 12/6/2013 1:50 AM PST
The phrase "fixing to" when referring to the sun about to rise, should be changed..Most parts of the U.S. don't use that phrase, in fact they make fun of it. I don't think other English speaking countries use it either.  I am from the southern U.S. so it makes perfect sense to me.   It rolls right off my tongue, but may not for most. If you are using it in a novel set in the deep south and it is in a character's dialogue, it would be fine. 

There are a few other places you might want to check...."The city which was once had color" It appears maybe you were changing the text and didn't take out which or had.. I have done that myself. 

One thing I am guilty of, and I see you do it as well....Don't change the tense of your verbs in the middle of a section.... this is so easy to do when your creative juices are firing and you are into a story, just typing along. 

Another thing I would suggest... read your text aloud, slowly.. You will hear things that don't sound correct and catch things such as, overuse of a word, bad sentence structure, sentences that are too long, the overuse of 'ly' adverbs, vague words and phrases such as, very, sort of, seems like and as in the example above, words left in when you were rewriting.  These are some of my writing faults, so passing them along. 

I will read it if you post it... and good luck to you. :) 
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Posted: 11/19/2013 10:27 AM PST
Hi,

The start has great potential, but I noticed a few things I might change (personal opinion):

- You use the word "charred" twice in quick succession (one seems to be redundant) and the same with "seemed to"--try to avoid repeating words frequently and rather use a synonym if need be.
- Stick to one tense: here you use present tense, e.g. "are empty" and then you use past tense, e,g, "seemed to have had"
- There's a typo, because it says, "The city which was once" and should perhaps be "The city which once"
- You could rephrase, "
Buildings are for the most part intact, only a few are damaged severely." to something like, "Severely damaged buildings slump at irregular intervals" (it isn't necessary to say the rest are undamaged, as the reader can deduce this)
- You could avoid repeating the word city by combining "
The city which was once had color and beauty seemed to have had that beauty deleted from it. The city was a damp hue of brown and black." to say something like, "The city, once vibrant and beautiful, seemed bereft of color, as if replaced by a damp hue of  brown and black."
- You could also work some more of your descriptions into what your character sees, instead of this standing alone, and you do this very well where you say, "Marshall stood at the edge of the crater that use to be the pond."

I hope this is of some use. These are some tips I have learnt and am still trying to put into practice.
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Posted: 10/22/2013 8:08 PM PDT
Thank you. That means a lot, truly. I would love to review your work. 
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Posted: 10/22/2013 1:51 PM PDT
I think it has a lot of potential and i will definitely continue reading it if you continue to post.  
P.S I really liked how you made your first portion flow with just the right amount of descriptive language, without going over the top!!!!!

If you would like to review my work that would be great. I am new.
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Posted: 10/20/2013 10:48 AM PDT
Thank you. If you ever need feedback, let me know. I will be the first to read. 
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Posted: 10/20/2013 10:46 AM PDT
I think it is good idea, and I will defiantly read it. Just let me know when you are ready for feedback.
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Posted: 10/20/2013 8:50 AM PDT
Below is a sample of a title I am working on. The title is "McLean". Would you want to read more of this? Do you think it's a good idea or do you think it wouldn't do? 



Gun fire rings out from the corners of the city. The streets are empty. Nothing but the carcasses of old cars and dead bodies lay on the roads. Buildings are for the most part intact, only a few are damaged severely. The city which was once had color and beauty seemed to have had that beauty deleted from it. The city was a damp hue of brown and black. Trees were dead, it seemed to be always wet and raining and all that was left were crows. Some political banners were still hanging, though very charred. Others lay on the ground from where they previously were. They were charred, some torn and others vandalized. Garbage and debris could be heard blowing across the streets as the wind blew a steady pace. 



It was early fall, the sun was fixing to raise above the horizon. The sky was a dark shade of blue, however no stars could be seen because of the smog high up in the sky. Settlements had been made but the biggest and most known settlement in the area was the settlement Marshall lived in. They called it 'Zero Ward'. It lay in the old city park. Like most of the city everything was dead and seemed to have the beauty beaten out of it. The trees were dead, reduced to twigs and branches. The pond that use to be full of water had been drained to only small puddles. It was a hurtful reminder of what use to be. Marshall stood at the edge of the crater that use to be the pond. Looking down, he rubbed a patch of skin where a makeshift tattoo of an "x"  lay. He sighed...
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