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High-school, a time in which all great minds experience in a way similiar to eachother a time of constant let downs unspected but brutal turns and the constant fear that it is all getting worse as opposed to the better our prents constantly tell us is about to happen.
For me high-school is coming to a close the final chapter before i can walk away and be my own person not a person o an undeserving title that just brings tears and pain but a person with goals and ambition in a world too beautiful to miss, i am on the cusp of being free from the bullies the drama the things you feel right to say but turn out wrong the terrible choies that are made based on feeling and trust built on lies.
Ending high-school is the first chance in seventeen years of my life to become someone to step away from the cliques i never fit into to stop wishing to be a "cool-kid" to stop thinking that some people are born with a natural desire and ablity to be popular to be loved and cared for on no moral grounds of accomplishment or symphathy for others who they seem to have a natural born sense to disregaurd.
Everyone talks about the little people celebrities thank them writers write for them , but what about those of us who are actually the little people not in a degrading sense but in a sense of those who feel scared those of us hlding on for dear life refusing to open our eyes to the world we've thrust into those of us living in a world created within our minds to block what we experience and to give a satisfaction of a hope a push for us to keep holding on to that shed of life he have left , that alternate reality we escape to that makes the rope a little longer.
There was a point in my life i reached the end , now i know people don't like to talk about the rock bottoms they hit but me i constantly have a buzzing in my ear a sense of the feeling i had that night when i checked to ensure my parents weren't paying attention grbbing the bottles of what ever i could closing my door and swallowing whatever i thought would work.
I know no-one wants to admit they had a moment were life seemed so painful that it was better left to those who seem like experts they have the heartbeat as you the same stride they are the same age but yet seem so far so much wiser going through life with ease while you stagger blind looking for an outreached hand, i tried inventing that hand with every bottom of the bottle i hit i tried thinking of the fact that this could be my hand this was my mind telling me to grab hold and let my aching heart and soul be fee of the pain.
Of course i only truly made myself dizzy i felt hopeless and wanted a mean to the end but all i got was puke and an admission to the hospital after telling my mom about my attempt.
Sitting before your mom who knows you just had a suicidal episode is not a fun time it actually is the equvalent to being punched in the stomach repeatedly as you also realize hat you would have left behind the negitive impact you would have made.
Suicide is an elimination it's a selfish act that gives all hope you or anyone who loved you had of a happier person smiling at them with true happiness other then the hardened depressed shell with that convincing fake smile walking around the world [raying with tears for a chance at things getting better.
The assholes that walk the halls with their heads held heart acting as if their heart beat is stronger and supirior due to the fact they are the bullies and not the bullied are not the point to life high-school is not the point to life yea it freaking sucks but it's not that final knot or the penetrating bullet and it defintely isn't the puch over the edge.
Although there is a numerous amount of moments in my life in which i have felt that the one's who hurt me are all those things slowly filing the bottle that would truly put their heartbeat ahead of mine they aren't i would be the one swallowing the bullet i would be the one giving up on my chance to be free of them by ending it all before my life has even really begun.
I struggle with the ability to cope the ability everone in the world sees to naturally have i have this desease instead that gives me the capability to have multiple holes in my heart but yet continue to live and feel every excrutiateing moment of my lose or heartbreak over with every beat.
People see, to think that they have everyone figured out that those i pain only choose to be in pain that those bullied and ridiculed choose that life because of the person they decide to be in the eyes of the world. well i call bullshit on that beacuse they last thing i did as a children was thinl to myself how great it could be if i showed the world a version of myself and they didn't except it, i never thought how much fun i would be to have people look at you like some kind of strange bug found on the playground; i never chose a version of myself to give the world to reject i chose to be myself the person i was born as the person i never want to change for anyone and should never have an ultimatum of changing for the well-being peaceful state of mind hat someone who doesn't "get" or accept me for wants.
I refuse to live a life in which i either must conform to someone ele's idea of normal and acceptable or be an outcast thrown to the lions every passing period for about 4 years no make that 7 years because middle school isn't a walk in the park either.
Now i know that anyone who ever reads this has the possiblilty of being someone who simply doesn't relate or someone who finds this telling of sorts just a plea for attention and or a connection to someone anyone; but you must know that even though i do crave connection like my fellow humans i am truly a seperate species entirely but then again most of us walking this earth are.
Don't jump to conclusions i'm not stating that i'm some kind of body snatcher living among the living , breathing, emotion carrying humonoids for observation or destruction; what i'm stating is simply this an idea i propose about the plain ideal of a perfect world which is that of a mix of species and species being indiviual people, people of independent strong thinking that constantly goes against the norm that has explosive fits of untaped unaltered creativity and acts upon them even if it is in a medium never to be seen by anothers eyes or simply as a hope that it is the creative beauty you hoped for in all its strange and seperate species glory that you came up with independtly and whole hertedly.
My next topic is a stray away from the struggles of high-school and the neanderthals we share the world with, no this segment is an inside look to me Michaela Thomas and my independent species.
To start well as i'm writing this i'm a seventeen year old who is coming close to the start of her senior year of high-school, a girl who has never truly loved in the sense of an "epic first love" or a trajic one for that matter.
Seventeen and i've made out with a total of three guys two in middle school and one in high-school and i've kissed only one whole heartedly and slowly, i dreampt that high-school was this time like in the movies and tv shows in which you blossom into this beautiful flower who is being asked on dates and being kissed slowly and sweetly when droped off at home after a sweet date, but the relity was a guy two-grades older who liked you for a total of three days and then left in the middle of date and had a new girl days later. If that last part sounded totally sucky well good guess because it was just a jumble of crappy emotions i wasn't ready to feel.
He made me feel special for the ffirst time in a whle considering i was cheated on by both middle school boyfriends, i didn't want to let myself believe he actually lied and wanted me but i did i fell not in love but in some pretty strong liking of this guy and he just turned out to be some guy testing out a freshman to see if she was down to bone.
The sting of rejection and the surge of anger flooded through my veins for the longest time seeing him in the hallway was like eating thousands red-hots all at once with no water around for miles, he had this way of looking at me so sweetly like i mattered to him again then turing and ignoring me all over the next girl and he had that control over my emotions for the next year.
Now considering that weonly talked and hungout for a course of a few days i felt pathetic and sorry for myself that he had such a strong hold over my emotion and only with a look not a smirk not a smile just a subtle look that made everything fade for one minute then come rushing back stronger then ever the next.
Guys have this effect on me it takes one look or they way they say one word or how the touch my arm or hand and i'm hooked; mesmorized like a child seeing fireworks for the very first time.
Over-worked, over-excited ,over- caring and over-invested those are the words to describe me once the fireworks begin. Stupid, hurt, sorry, pathetic, those are the feelings i have for myself as the fireworks slow down and come to an abrupt stop.
Relationships sadly don't seem to be my thing, being with a guy or even romatically talking to a guy also see to be a thing my individual specie struggles greatly with.
You know that moment when you watch a movie and you get so invested into it and the charecters and they have something emvarassing and or hard to do you get this gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach and you feel for them and want to anthing possible to help them out of that situation and it's almost hard to watch the next scene because you feel for them so much; well i get that all the time which is why independent movies are my beautiful love in the world of cinema they have those embarassing moments and the feel so authentic and relatable it's crazy.
Sometimes i feel as if i'm there within the movie and that i feel alongside them every ounce of pain and every drop of happiness it's almost as if a new friend was made in the course of a few scenes and we are standing hand in hand experiencing everthng together, but thanks to netflix instead of in front of everyone in a school hllway it's the comfort of my own bedroom.
For me watching independent films is like reading a new book for the first time, i see every word i feel every moment , i get this strangely liberating insight to the mind and feelings of someone i don't know i make a deep never ending connection with someone by their words and watching someones words come to life just amplifies those feelings.