Book Info
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Project Leader:
Aries_Undomna
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Participants:
The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
All Participants (Closed) -
Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Sci Fi/Fantasy
Young Adult/Juvenile -
Language:
English
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Angel's Gate
The sky has been red over The Crossing, a realm where Magic is the ultimate gift of the spirits and the scandal that threatens to ruin its Possessors. A new dawn is approaching, one that promises the destruction of all those different from the Rubian Council's idealist views; those with Magic coursing through their veins.
Celeste Helsingr is an opportunist and Selena Carey is a dreamer; both are gifted with great Magic they can scarcely understand. On the night of the annual masquerade for th ... more »
Celeste Helsingr is an opportunist and Selena Carey is a dreamer; both are gifted with great Magic they can scarcely understand. On the night of the annual masquerade for th ... more »
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In my experience, past tense writing is messy and difficult to cope with. I would suggest fixing that.
Also, there were a number of times where there were odd. The detail about her losing a sock was sort of out of place, for example.
Also, there were other times when it was hard to tell what time what things were happening, like when she's remembering the time that her father was explaining to her about Amelia;
Quote:
"I waited patiently for what seemed like hours before my father began playing with a strand of my long blood-red hair and sighed once more. “That was Amelia.” I swear even to this day I saw tears in his eyes when he said that.
I hold the candle closer and trace my index finer along her face. Amelia, she was the one who was different, the one who was Magic, a Possessor. The one who was like I am now. “Amelia Helsingr who were you?” I whisper."
I think there needs to be a clearer transition here. I didn't understand it at first.
Besides that, I think it was very well written. I look forward to reading the rest of it!
~Sethorion~
Also, there were a number of times where there were odd. The detail about her losing a sock was sort of out of place, for example.
Also, there were other times when it was hard to tell what time what things were happening, like when she's remembering the time that her father was explaining to her about Amelia;
Quote:
"I waited patiently for what seemed like hours before my father began playing with a strand of my long blood-red hair and sighed once more. “That was Amelia.” I swear even to this day I saw tears in his eyes when he said that.
I hold the candle closer and trace my index finer along her face. Amelia, she was the one who was different, the one who was Magic, a Possessor. The one who was like I am now. “Amelia Helsingr who were you?” I whisper."
I think there needs to be a clearer transition here. I didn't understand it at first.
Besides that, I think it was very well written. I look forward to reading the rest of it!
~Sethorion~
This Feedback was...
This sounds good! I kind of hope you get published and I haven't even read it yet.
This Feedback was...
:D I think I'll like this story. I guess I'll get started.
The word Magic opened my eyes already lol.
The word Magic opened my eyes already lol.
This Feedback was...
An excellent start to what appears to be a very good story. Keep it up. seatype
This Feedback was...
thank you! My computer doesn't have spell check and my grammer isn't up to speed so I appreciate any help!
You've got startling introduction so far. Let me help you on the mispelled words and punctuation marks (I'm going to post on a fixed version):
The sky has been red over The Crossing, a realm where Magic is the ultimate gift of the spirits and the scandal that threatens to ruin its Possessors. A new dawn is approaching, one that promises the destruction of all those different from the Rubian Council's idealist views; those with Magic coursing through their veins.
Celeste Helsingr is an opportunist and Selena Carey is a dreamer; both are gifted with great Magic they can scarcely understand. On the night of the annual masquerade for the higher society, ash begins to blanket the ground, the furnace has been lit and the gifted are slowly disappearing from The Crossing.
All clear? Compare and contrast. If something's wrong, you can mend it yourself. :]
The sky has been red over The Crossing, a realm where Magic is the ultimate gift of the spirits and the scandal that threatens to ruin its Possessors. A new dawn is approaching, one that promises the destruction of all those different from the Rubian Council's idealist views; those with Magic coursing through their veins.
Celeste Helsingr is an opportunist and Selena Carey is a dreamer; both are gifted with great Magic they can scarcely understand. On the night of the annual masquerade for the higher society, ash begins to blanket the ground, the furnace has been lit and the gifted are slowly disappearing from The Crossing.
All clear? Compare and contrast. If something's wrong, you can mend it yourself. :]
This Feedback was...
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