Book Info
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Project Leader:
CouldBeYou
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Participants:
The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
Project Leader Only -
Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Teen
Gay/Lesbian -
Language:
English
book_central
C-u-t
This story has been rated PG-13. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.
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"Warren." Steven's tone caused Warren to look up and take notice of wh ... more »
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"Warren." Steven's tone caused Warren to look up and take notice of wh ... more »
GIVE FEEDBACK
I have mainly grammar points throughout each chapter. I do want to congratulate you on the excellent writing. I was fully engaged throughout the whole thing. :)
prologue
"we just have to get passed the shoulders..." --'passed' should be 'past'.
The bomb dropped rather quickly, but in a good way. I think dragging out the feelings of warren would take away from the reader's feelings of despair.
chapter one
"She watching in disgust and disappointment as her older sister slide..." --'slide' should be 'slid'
"Do I look like their keeper?" --might be better put if it were "do I look like my parents' keeper?"
"breaking their eye line" --eye "contact"?
chapter two
""Being alone is over-rate."--change it to 'overrated.'
"as she pulled heroine out"--'heroine' should be 'heroin'
the ending of this chapter made me smile. You write in a way that the reader can experience changes in the emotional atmosphere, which is a great and rare talent.
chapter three
Is the introduction of the stepmother as "evil" intentional?
This seems like a point in the novel when the readers start to really get to know your characters. What I like is that you've implemented the feelings of characters other than your main one. The evil stepmother seems less evil and we start to really see Jaimie's frustration.
chapter four
"I'm all about the unpredictable."--maybe "being" instead of "the"
lost me a little when she was talking about her father and brothers, but that may just be concentration problems on my part.
towards the end, I'd like to see just a little more hesitation, maybe a passing thought in Sarah's mind or one of them taking a deep, bracing breath against the sudden tension.
chapter five
"was a sleep, "--take out the extra space so it's "asleep"
clean up last paragraph a little using a few extra words. For example, "Sarah kept losing time."--losing "track of", and "mind numbing screams were" to "the mind-numbing screams she heard were actually" and "casket was lowered" to "casket was slowly lowered into"
very emotional piece. I also love how you established what great terms she was on with Danny's family by having her just rush through the house and talk so cheerily with his parents.
chapter six
"Sarah paused from rummaging through draws long enough to say" --I was confused until I realized you meant "drawers"
I admire your talent for ending each chapter with a brilliant, deep paragraph.
chapter 7
"a few second away"--- 'seconds'
And make sure you have quotation marks at the end of the last sentence.
I'm so glad they made up quickly.
chapter 8
""I like great-uncle Ear."--- earl?
even though the scene is intense, it made me want to cheer that not only was Sarah conveying her feelings towards her father, but now a new understanding has reached her father as well. it sends that glimmer of hope to the reader that everything will be okay.
chapter 9
"her cliché snickered around her." --do you mean clique?
""I'd day Sarah because of the mustache"-- say instead of day
This chapter does seem a bit boring and dragged out, compared to the other ones. It seems rushed and we don't really know what's going through the minds of Sarah or Jacqueline.
chapter 10
"down in front off Sarah," ---of, instead of off
This was...deja vu. I understand Sarah's panic quite well, considering what happened with David. But the discovery itself seems too fast for me. I would think flashbacks of David would go through Sarah's mind, or her heart would skip a beat or...something.
chapter 11
"foods and snack for Jacqueline"--snacks, unless there really is only one snack
what a sweet ending to the chapter.
chapter 12
"year, Dawn pearl necklace"---dawn's, since it's possessive.
"after Tiffany let her in, her mother’s music" --pick either "Tiffany" or "Jacqueline's mother". Because the constant shifting confuses the reader sometimes.
"to t ell him that it wasn't me"--"tell" instead of "t ell"
"Jacqueline though, her mind racing" --thought instead of though
"that they’d know each other" ---known instead of know
excellent job on describing Sarah's feelings when Jacqueline attacked her.
chapter 13
"losing her composer." --I think you mean composure, but feel free to check me on this.
"as he tried to should the door open, but he made sure the doors had solid frames when he’s designed " --shoulder or shoved? and he'd instead of he's.
"until she her it crack "--heard
"Tears stream down his face" --streamed. remember to keep it past-tense.
"He didn’t care that he was now drench in"---drenched
"Dawn force Jamie downstairs" --forced
"cradling Sarah, stilling applying"--still instead of stilling
"Shortly there after," ---thereafter doesn't need a space.
warren seems incredibly...human here. It's a real turning point in the story
chapter 14
"been so relieve in his life." --relieved.
"He hadn’t been much of a father recently and he" --"recently" isn't necessary, since Sarah's point was that he had NEVER been a good father.
"back to the day hey chose ‘their’ song." --they, not hey. also not clear if it's Sarah's and Jacqueline's song or Dawn's and Warren's.
" was loosing their little wrestling match" --losing
"already knowing the answer.”" --extra quotations here, you don't need them.
"high speed car chase lead to a massive"-- led instead of lead.
"no idea what movie she was being" ---you have an extra "she"
I was totally speechless at the end of this chapter. I wanted to cry. :)
chapter 15
"Sarah went as much as if pained her to enter"-- it's a bit confusing. I don't even know what you're trying to say exactly.
"A painful sobbed escaped." ---sob
"hold the jacket to her as if she were holding" ---holding instead of hold.
"Feet firmly planted on the ground Sarah still felt of kilter"-- 'kilter'? same as off balance? make this clear.
I can relate to this chapter, and it hurt a little to read the emotions I felt all over again. You're a beautiful writer. Although, we don't really see what's going on through Jaimie's mind anymore.
chapter 16
"succumbed to the drug that ultimately lead to" --led instead of lead again
"trying to over ride the anger" --override or over-ride work instead of over ride.
"support her as he legs slowly gave way" --her in place of he.
"and she couldn’t bare it as" ---bear instead of bare
epilogue
"seat and the incessant beeping " --incessant or insistent?
"ambulance on the wait to the Emergency Room" --way instead of wait.
"rushed over, hoping over the dividing fence" --hopping
"and you’ve lost you’re fair share"-- your instead of you're
right before Warren wakes up, there should be a dividing line so the reader knows there's a difference in time there. I was reading and had to backtrack to figure out why he was in a bed.
Excellent novel overall. I really enjoyed reading this.
prologue
"we just have to get passed the shoulders..." --'passed' should be 'past'.
The bomb dropped rather quickly, but in a good way. I think dragging out the feelings of warren would take away from the reader's feelings of despair.
chapter one
"She watching in disgust and disappointment as her older sister slide..." --'slide' should be 'slid'
"Do I look like their keeper?" --might be better put if it were "do I look like my parents' keeper?"
"breaking their eye line" --eye "contact"?
chapter two
""Being alone is over-rate."--change it to 'overrated.'
"as she pulled heroine out"--'heroine' should be 'heroin'
the ending of this chapter made me smile. You write in a way that the reader can experience changes in the emotional atmosphere, which is a great and rare talent.
chapter three
Is the introduction of the stepmother as "evil" intentional?
This seems like a point in the novel when the readers start to really get to know your characters. What I like is that you've implemented the feelings of characters other than your main one. The evil stepmother seems less evil and we start to really see Jaimie's frustration.
chapter four
"I'm all about the unpredictable."--maybe "being" instead of "the"
lost me a little when she was talking about her father and brothers, but that may just be concentration problems on my part.
towards the end, I'd like to see just a little more hesitation, maybe a passing thought in Sarah's mind or one of them taking a deep, bracing breath against the sudden tension.
chapter five
"was a sleep, "--take out the extra space so it's "asleep"
clean up last paragraph a little using a few extra words. For example, "Sarah kept losing time."--losing "track of", and "mind numbing screams were" to "the mind-numbing screams she heard were actually" and "casket was lowered" to "casket was slowly lowered into"
very emotional piece. I also love how you established what great terms she was on with Danny's family by having her just rush through the house and talk so cheerily with his parents.
chapter six
"Sarah paused from rummaging through draws long enough to say" --I was confused until I realized you meant "drawers"
I admire your talent for ending each chapter with a brilliant, deep paragraph.
chapter 7
"a few second away"--- 'seconds'
And make sure you have quotation marks at the end of the last sentence.
I'm so glad they made up quickly.
chapter 8
""I like great-uncle Ear."--- earl?
even though the scene is intense, it made me want to cheer that not only was Sarah conveying her feelings towards her father, but now a new understanding has reached her father as well. it sends that glimmer of hope to the reader that everything will be okay.
chapter 9
"her cliché snickered around her." --do you mean clique?
""I'd day Sarah because of the mustache"-- say instead of day
This chapter does seem a bit boring and dragged out, compared to the other ones. It seems rushed and we don't really know what's going through the minds of Sarah or Jacqueline.
chapter 10
"down in front off Sarah," ---of, instead of off
This was...deja vu. I understand Sarah's panic quite well, considering what happened with David. But the discovery itself seems too fast for me. I would think flashbacks of David would go through Sarah's mind, or her heart would skip a beat or...something.
chapter 11
"foods and snack for Jacqueline"--snacks, unless there really is only one snack
what a sweet ending to the chapter.
chapter 12
"year, Dawn pearl necklace"---dawn's, since it's possessive.
"after Tiffany let her in, her mother’s music" --pick either "Tiffany" or "Jacqueline's mother". Because the constant shifting confuses the reader sometimes.
"to t ell him that it wasn't me"--"tell" instead of "t ell"
"Jacqueline though, her mind racing" --thought instead of though
"that they’d know each other" ---known instead of know
excellent job on describing Sarah's feelings when Jacqueline attacked her.
chapter 13
"losing her composer." --I think you mean composure, but feel free to check me on this.
"as he tried to should the door open, but he made sure the doors had solid frames when he’s designed " --shoulder or shoved? and he'd instead of he's.
"until she her it crack "--heard
"Tears stream down his face" --streamed. remember to keep it past-tense.
"He didn’t care that he was now drench in"---drenched
"Dawn force Jamie downstairs" --forced
"cradling Sarah, stilling applying"--still instead of stilling
"Shortly there after," ---thereafter doesn't need a space.
warren seems incredibly...human here. It's a real turning point in the story
chapter 14
"been so relieve in his life." --relieved.
"He hadn’t been much of a father recently and he" --"recently" isn't necessary, since Sarah's point was that he had NEVER been a good father.
"back to the day hey chose ‘their’ song." --they, not hey. also not clear if it's Sarah's and Jacqueline's song or Dawn's and Warren's.
" was loosing their little wrestling match" --losing
"already knowing the answer.”" --extra quotations here, you don't need them.
"high speed car chase lead to a massive"-- led instead of lead.
"no idea what movie she was being" ---you have an extra "she"
I was totally speechless at the end of this chapter. I wanted to cry. :)
chapter 15
"Sarah went as much as if pained her to enter"-- it's a bit confusing. I don't even know what you're trying to say exactly.
"A painful sobbed escaped." ---sob
"hold the jacket to her as if she were holding" ---holding instead of hold.
"Feet firmly planted on the ground Sarah still felt of kilter"-- 'kilter'? same as off balance? make this clear.
I can relate to this chapter, and it hurt a little to read the emotions I felt all over again. You're a beautiful writer. Although, we don't really see what's going on through Jaimie's mind anymore.
chapter 16
"succumbed to the drug that ultimately lead to" --led instead of lead again
"trying to over ride the anger" --override or over-ride work instead of over ride.
"support her as he legs slowly gave way" --her in place of he.
"and she couldn’t bare it as" ---bear instead of bare
epilogue
"seat and the incessant beeping " --incessant or insistent?
"ambulance on the wait to the Emergency Room" --way instead of wait.
"rushed over, hoping over the dividing fence" --hopping
"and you’ve lost you’re fair share"-- your instead of you're
right before Warren wakes up, there should be a dividing line so the reader knows there's a difference in time there. I was reading and had to backtrack to figure out why he was in a bed.
Excellent novel overall. I really enjoyed reading this.
This Feedback was...
this story is written exelently i recommend you publish this i was sad for 2 days after readiing this a sad but well written storie keep up the good work
10/10
10/10
This Feedback was...
This sounds interesting. I'll read it when I get the chance.
This Feedback was...
totally agree with Destane and One_Ebbie.
Cant wait to read the story! i love the last sentence, by the way. Very attention grabbing.
Cant wait to read the story! i love the last sentence, by the way. Very attention grabbing.
This Feedback was...
The picture grabbed my attention, now I can't wait to read your work!
This Feedback was...
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