Book Info
-
Project Leader:
JordanRae
-
Participants:
The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
Project Leader Only -
Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Literary
Novella -
Language:
English
book_central
In Her Bones.
Robert, a man of no morals but only logic, finds a helpless and unconsious mermaid on the shore. He takes it upon himself to make himself happy with the creature as his main component.
GIVE FEEDBACK
Hmm, sounds a bit "out there." But then again, if it wasn't, it would not be worth reading. Seems like we are making humanity the aggressor again, something we excell at. I beleive it is worth my time.
Just as a side note, your blurb is abit lacking. It sort of just gives the reader information. A blurb should either give more info, or make the reader work for it, making them want to read the bopok to satisfy their curiosity.
Just as a side note, your blurb is abit lacking. It sort of just gives the reader information. A blurb should either give more info, or make the reader work for it, making them want to read the bopok to satisfy their curiosity.
This Feedback was...
General:
I thought initially that it was going to be a soft, happy kind of story about a mermaid. But when you added the sexual aspect it really intregued me.
Knowing how bad the human race are for abusing alien things that we fnd, this is showing that from another level. As much as this isn't something I would usually read, I have devoured every last word, because your way of telling the story kept me there!
The way the conversations are slow and stuttery make it seem as if he is really struggling to comunicate with her and through out the story, they get smoother, which helps the reader feel like they understand her more, as well as actually understanding her, if you know what I mean there!
Plot:
The plot of this story is a bit mixed up, he starts wanting to fulfill his own ego, then its a sexual encounter? I do think that the plot could e filled out a bit more, and give the story a bit more depth.
Character Development:
The way that Ocean develops is very good in terms of her speech, but in terms of her feelings and emotions there is not a lot of explanation. Is she a different breed all together, does she have emotions like us? Is she becoming more like us every day, feeling tings she as never felt before? These are jut a couple of things that I think could be addressed to fill the story out a little bit more.
Structure:
I'm not sure about the structure being in months, I think it would flow better if you just wrote about it, but included your dates and rough ideas of how long things are taking subtily.
Eg, She had been in my house for just over a month....
A week had passed since she first 'grew' her legs...
Etc, just a thought.
Tone/Voice:
The tone of this guy anoys me, he is so egotistical and obnoxious, but I do think that it works within the setting that you have created.
However, I think the sexual references are needed, but could b toned down and written a little more tastefully, more lust, less crudeness.
But all in all I really enjoyed it and will definately back for more when you update!
7/10
I thought initially that it was going to be a soft, happy kind of story about a mermaid. But when you added the sexual aspect it really intregued me.
Knowing how bad the human race are for abusing alien things that we fnd, this is showing that from another level. As much as this isn't something I would usually read, I have devoured every last word, because your way of telling the story kept me there!
The way the conversations are slow and stuttery make it seem as if he is really struggling to comunicate with her and through out the story, they get smoother, which helps the reader feel like they understand her more, as well as actually understanding her, if you know what I mean there!
Plot:
The plot of this story is a bit mixed up, he starts wanting to fulfill his own ego, then its a sexual encounter? I do think that the plot could e filled out a bit more, and give the story a bit more depth.
Character Development:
The way that Ocean develops is very good in terms of her speech, but in terms of her feelings and emotions there is not a lot of explanation. Is she a different breed all together, does she have emotions like us? Is she becoming more like us every day, feeling tings she as never felt before? These are jut a couple of things that I think could be addressed to fill the story out a little bit more.
Structure:
I'm not sure about the structure being in months, I think it would flow better if you just wrote about it, but included your dates and rough ideas of how long things are taking subtily.
Eg, She had been in my house for just over a month....
A week had passed since she first 'grew' her legs...
Etc, just a thought.
Tone/Voice:
The tone of this guy anoys me, he is so egotistical and obnoxious, but I do think that it works within the setting that you have created.
However, I think the sexual references are needed, but could b toned down and written a little more tastefully, more lust, less crudeness.
But all in all I really enjoyed it and will definately back for more when you update!
7/10
I read Month One. Sorry but I can't say I enjoyed it. Remember that words are supposed to be a window through which to see a particular time, a place, a character, an event. To overuse words and use extravagant or unusual words is to distract from what matters. They have a word for it. This story is literred with purple prose. Get rid of adjectives. I'd say you could delete at least half the words and it would only get better.
On a positive note, the set up for the novel is at least intriguing. A dude finds a mermaid. Yeah, I guess that's interesting. I'd be interested in seeing what he does with the mermaid. I guess it's good that you showed him training her how to speak English, but I'm sure you could cover that quicker than you did. I'd be interested in reading on if you weren't so obsessed with talking about all this jizz and stuff. It just makes my stomach revolt. And on top of that you make it clear that the narrator is a douche bag who has no feelings for the mermaid so I just do not have any connection to this dude.
Yea, wish I could be more positive, but good luck with your writing.
On a positive note, the set up for the novel is at least intriguing. A dude finds a mermaid. Yeah, I guess that's interesting. I'd be interested in seeing what he does with the mermaid. I guess it's good that you showed him training her how to speak English, but I'm sure you could cover that quicker than you did. I'd be interested in reading on if you weren't so obsessed with talking about all this jizz and stuff. It just makes my stomach revolt. And on top of that you make it clear that the narrator is a douche bag who has no feelings for the mermaid so I just do not have any connection to this dude.
Yea, wish I could be more positive, but good luck with your writing.
The title:
it attracts me to want to read it.
The pic:
erm...no comment. sry
Your words..stuff:
...is "mermaid" considered as fantasy? (just curious)
...i dunno why but i wanna say it...
i have to disagree with LizzieB...i dun love/like mermaids...even if they are fantasy stuffs... = =
it attracts me to want to read it.
The pic:
erm...no comment. sry
Your words..stuff:
...is "mermaid" considered as fantasy? (just curious)
...i dunno why but i wanna say it...
i have to disagree with LizzieB...i dun love/like mermaids...even if they are fantasy stuffs... = =
General:
At first, All I wanted to do was give up and not read. I thought it was going to be dull, boring, and a regular "Twilight" love story. But I kept reading, and thought it was very good! I read all of the first and last chapter, and I really liked how you wrote it, and how you had Robert teaching Ocean how to be more human like. I missed a lot skipping to the last chapter, but I will for sure read the ones in between.
Plot:
There really isnt much of a plot, is there? Just a guy finds a mermaid on a beach, and is horny as hell. haha, It works. Is this an erotica book?
Character Development:
I liked how you introduced Ocean and how Roberts reaction is. Ido have one complaint though, when Ocean talks, I know she is just learning the language, but instead of a beautiful, curious, female voice, I, for some reason, have a retarded male voice, who sounds rediculously dumb. Maybe its just me, but yo umight want to think about not having her ALWAYS say "Rah-bert. Puh-laaaaay-ta" Every once in a while is fine, but its a bit hard to read all the time. This is just me though, so other people may actually like the fact that you did that. I don't know, but i will be reading this from now on!
At first, All I wanted to do was give up and not read. I thought it was going to be dull, boring, and a regular "Twilight" love story. But I kept reading, and thought it was very good! I read all of the first and last chapter, and I really liked how you wrote it, and how you had Robert teaching Ocean how to be more human like. I missed a lot skipping to the last chapter, but I will for sure read the ones in between.
Plot:
There really isnt much of a plot, is there? Just a guy finds a mermaid on a beach, and is horny as hell. haha, It works. Is this an erotica book?
Character Development:
I liked how you introduced Ocean and how Roberts reaction is. Ido have one complaint though, when Ocean talks, I know she is just learning the language, but instead of a beautiful, curious, female voice, I, for some reason, have a retarded male voice, who sounds rediculously dumb. Maybe its just me, but yo umight want to think about not having her ALWAYS say "Rah-bert. Puh-laaaaay-ta" Every once in a while is fine, but its a bit hard to read all the time. This is just me though, so other people may actually like the fact that you did that. I don't know, but i will be reading this from now on!
This Feedback was...
Good idea! I'd change the last sentence a bit to avoid reuse of the same word "himself" in the same sentence too close together. Of course who else he'll make happy other than himself. So instead of <He takes it upon himself to make himself happy with the creature as his main component.>
Consider: "Thinking of satisfying only his own happiness, he takes the creature as an object of his main component.> Just a suggestion of course. If you like it it's yours for taking.
Consider: "Thinking of satisfying only his own happiness, he takes the creature as an object of his main component.> Just a suggestion of course. If you like it it's yours for taking.
This Feedback was...
Lol very sexual but very well written, and on an awesome topic. Who doesn't love mermaids?
This Feedback was...
I liked the beginning and your hold on to the plot. You did not linger on to any nebulous build up. The only thing that confused me was whether the delinquency of the protagonist immoral or a natural outflow, or was it for the reader's perception?
This Feedback was...
Very well written.
An interesting take on the subject (much better than the atrocious Tom Hanks movie of the 80's "Splash")
I like the way Ocean has to learn to speak english, very well done with the phonetic pronunciation.
I look forward to reading chapters 4 onwards.
An interesting take on the subject (much better than the atrocious Tom Hanks movie of the 80's "Splash")
I like the way Ocean has to learn to speak english, very well done with the phonetic pronunciation.
I look forward to reading chapters 4 onwards.
This Feedback was...
Yes! Excitement!! Can't wait to read what you posted! :D
This Feedback was...
Okay, I am here. :)
Is this the one you want me to read?
I'll just go ahead.
If you want me to read anything else, just let me know. :)
Is this the one you want me to read?
I'll just go ahead.
If you want me to read anything else, just let me know. :)
This Feedback was...
Start Reading
Previous Chapters
top
jump
dbc7cfb641684e4aba1ae2315c6674fc
f2c9b7653d0d41379f97b749e323a310
203f4598c5444cf09cf1ab99fe61a079
46560b1c352b4a7881057dac9596d75a
a202cf28fc1a407c9d027c4b96759e47
c0e416a49e344854b07de40855e4406b
aafd69623dbd464a994f2c8dea2b6fcc
426fb4a213494cd2982f881914e70c8a
Next Chapters
bottom
jump





Become a fan
Follow us
Become a fan