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CCCWriter
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Category:
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Genre:
Mystery
Romance -
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English
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ECHO from Shady Mountain
Fall Mid Semester 2000 : Ashley Brooks, Angela Pike and her Aunt Eliza, and other captivating characters prove that learning is a life long endeavor. Vulnerable and searching for self, Ashley Brooks is the beginning main character. Ashley and her college friends learn the hard way to look before you leap, put all things in perspective and watch for red flags. They learn that one choice can lead to many consequences, that there are some things in life man cannot control, that it is not what h
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Chapter 24 - got switched around here and I can't correct it
CC
A few words I'd cut yet:
" I hope (that) you don't mind that I took the loft lamp. Jerrod needed a lamp in the bedroom. I knew (that) I wouldn't be able to sleep and I wanted to keep this one to work with here."
...
"I logged into the college website, but I'm not having any luck with the password (information) you gave me."
"No, I think he understands. (quite a shift in topic in the same paragraph) I heard from Dianne and Stephan. My parents want us all to meet with them in their counselor's office. The counsel (you may have the wrong word here. 'counsel' is a verb, council is a noun. This use of words almost begs us to confuse counselor with council, or governing body, and I don't think you mean that) won't allow them to go to Ethiopia until they (does 'they' refer to counselors or parents - it's not clear here) can get a better understanding of our personal family business (what type of commerce is that? '...our family's social dynamics' or something to indicate social interactions)." Ashley annunciated (announced, especially the virgin birth ? I think you mean enunciated) "personal family business" with a whine.
I'll get back to this later - family claiming my attention.
SE
CC
A few words I'd cut yet:
" I hope (that) you don't mind that I took the loft lamp. Jerrod needed a lamp in the bedroom. I knew (that) I wouldn't be able to sleep and I wanted to keep this one to work with here."
...
"I logged into the college website, but I'm not having any luck with the password (information) you gave me."
"No, I think he understands. (quite a shift in topic in the same paragraph) I heard from Dianne and Stephan. My parents want us all to meet with them in their counselor's office. The counsel (you may have the wrong word here. 'counsel' is a verb, council is a noun. This use of words almost begs us to confuse counselor with council, or governing body, and I don't think you mean that) won't allow them to go to Ethiopia until they (does 'they' refer to counselors or parents - it's not clear here) can get a better understanding of our personal family business (what type of commerce is that? '...our family's social dynamics' or something to indicate social interactions)." Ashley annunciated (announced, especially the virgin birth ? I think you mean enunciated) "personal family business" with a whine.
I'll get back to this later - family claiming my attention.
SE
This Feedback was...
Well, CCC, I read what you have and enjoyed it all the way so far through chapter 17 and some. You have some very interesting twists and turns and I suspect you are not through yet. With so much drama, tragedy and tension, I'm looking for a happy-ever-after and I don't think I'll be disappointed.
I will go back through it over the next while and edit what I can when I can.
I will go back through it over the next while and edit what I can when I can.
This Feedback was...
These suggestions will help make this a great book.
From Eddie Tol:
One thought you may want to consider in relation to the religious angle. I don't want you to abandon it, as I feel it is the soul of the book. What you can do is use a little more inner turmoil in Ashley between her wants and needs and her parents influence on her. Show her struggle to shrug off her parents religious influence on her, but in the end make turning to her faith her only real option. Make findng her own faith, and not her parents faith, part of the climax of the book. Just a thought.
From Travis: 1. The police were actively looking for Ashley, but by pure coincidence, she was able to stay one step ahead of them.
2. Ashley's parents somehow or another caught wind of her being the suspect in the hit and run and hired a lawyer that is taking matters with the police his/her self. He/she just hasn't caught up with Ashley yet. (Remember, Ashley hasn't answered her phone in 2 days.)
3. Perhaps the police aren't buying Brad's story, thinking that he's using the old "Stolen Van" excuse to clear his name, since he's just filling out the police report that morning, and from sloppy police work, are jumping to the conclusion that it was, indeed, Brad behind the wheel when the teacher was turned into road pizza. It's too easy to stage a vehicle to appear to be stolen for that to not be considered.
But the point being, there are several reasons of why the police didn't have Ashley in the smoke filled chamber, strapped to a chair with the spotlight on her. I think you should leave this chapter just the way it is. B.T.W.... How old is Ashley???? Is she a 17 year old college freshman, which by law mean's she's a minor? Or is she over 18???? (I think I remember reading it somewhere in earlier chapter's, but couldn't find it by skimming through.) Legal implications are very different if legally, she's still considered a minor.
From Eddie Tol:
One thought you may want to consider in relation to the religious angle. I don't want you to abandon it, as I feel it is the soul of the book. What you can do is use a little more inner turmoil in Ashley between her wants and needs and her parents influence on her. Show her struggle to shrug off her parents religious influence on her, but in the end make turning to her faith her only real option. Make findng her own faith, and not her parents faith, part of the climax of the book. Just a thought.
From Travis: 1. The police were actively looking for Ashley, but by pure coincidence, she was able to stay one step ahead of them.
2. Ashley's parents somehow or another caught wind of her being the suspect in the hit and run and hired a lawyer that is taking matters with the police his/her self. He/she just hasn't caught up with Ashley yet. (Remember, Ashley hasn't answered her phone in 2 days.)
3. Perhaps the police aren't buying Brad's story, thinking that he's using the old "Stolen Van" excuse to clear his name, since he's just filling out the police report that morning, and from sloppy police work, are jumping to the conclusion that it was, indeed, Brad behind the wheel when the teacher was turned into road pizza. It's too easy to stage a vehicle to appear to be stolen for that to not be considered.
But the point being, there are several reasons of why the police didn't have Ashley in the smoke filled chamber, strapped to a chair with the spotlight on her. I think you should leave this chapter just the way it is. B.T.W.... How old is Ashley???? Is she a 17 year old college freshman, which by law mean's she's a minor? Or is she over 18???? (I think I remember reading it somewhere in earlier chapter's, but couldn't find it by skimming through.) Legal implications are very different if legally, she's still considered a minor.
These are some brilliant comments that Echo has received that will make it a great novel.
SEdentatus: The underlying tension in your story depends on Ashley believing her parents to be more on the strict and maybe fundamentalist side. You may have room to lighten up a bit on that, portray Ashley as misunderstanding her parent's concerns for her, or on Ashley's personal belief.
SEdentatus: The underlying tension in your story depends on Ashley believing her parents to be more on the strict and maybe fundamentalist side. You may have room to lighten up a bit on that, portray Ashley as misunderstanding her parent's concerns for her, or on Ashley's personal belief.
TI like the cover of this book a lot, and the tittle: excellent
This Feedback was...
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