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Project Leader:
RikScott
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The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
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Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Mystery
Sci Fi/Fantasy -
Language:
English
book_central
FIVE
When he gets a call on a cell phone with no battery, retired Police Detective Raymond Kurtz thinks he has a problem. When people around him start getting murdered, he knows it.
FIVE is the first novel in the NUMBERS series.
FIVE is the first novel in the NUMBERS series.
GIVE FEEDBACK
1/15/2012 5:57 PM PST
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1/15/2012 5:48 PM PST
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1/15/2012 5:38 PM PST
6/26/2009 10:31 AM PDT
Hi Rik,
I’ve finally completed my second read of FIVE. The following are my thoughts on the work at present, my suggestions for improvement, and my general take on how it stacks up in the marketplace. Please understand that what follows are suggestions only, the beginning of a dialogue, hopefully, about getting your manuscript to the next level.
So, to begin: the reason we at WEbook liked FIVE was because of the concept and frankly, its sheer ambition. As I’m sure you know, it breaks all kinds of literary “rules.” Read: You don’t often come across an unreliable third-person narrator who also happen to be the protagonist, a possible antagonist, the murderer, and most of the characters. I can’t imagine how dizzying it must’ve been just to keep up with all the details that allowed Ray to interact almost exclusively with himself. And structurally, I think you pulled it off. The sequence of events holds up well in the larger arc of the story and many of the scenes are gripping. I particularly liked the Connors personality and found the scene at his house among the strongest in the story.
However, I do think the manuscript needs another draft, perhaps two, before it’s ready. While you’ve done an admirable job of getting the story down, there are a number of issues that need to be addressed before I would consider the work ready for publication. Chief among them is Raymond Kurtz, your star (and the majority of your cast). Because he is the story, his baseline character needs to be much more dynamic, sympathetic, and multi-faceted to work. And he doesn’t, at present. This is the great challenge of the type of story you’ve chosen: Because Ray must be one-dimensional as Ray (vs. his multiple personalities, who make him complete), he tends to fall flat as a narrator, which leaves his constant self-reflection feeling cumbersome and not always compelling.
As I read, I kept coming to the same conclusion. If FIVE is to truly work, it needs to be a much deeper and more concisely delivered character study of Ray. In my opinion, it’s the only way that the ending of the book won’t disappoint. There are a number of other, smaller issues that I’ll address below, but I think, if you choose to re-work the manuscript, I’d focus squarely on bringing Ray into much clearer relief right from the start. I understand that you want him to become more dynamic as he kills off his various personalities, but I think you can still do this without him beginning as such a blank slate.
Here’s why: You open your story with Ray about to kill himself, yet we never really have a sense of why he’s so damaged until much later, and then not fully until the very end. Which makes it hard, as a reader, to really invest in him as a character. Sure, he’s broken down and retired and sort of a sad sack, but we don’t know why—and we need to, otherwise Ray’s story doesn’t matter to us. Whereas by the end of the manuscript, we find out his multiple personalities are wildly accomplished across a range of careers and disciplines, and—based on we know of Ray’s past—this big reveal frankly doesn’t add up. If Ray is to truly work as the broken man, I think you should present him as someone who has hit rock bottom after a massively heralded career in law enforcement, one with the type of experience and knowledge that would allow his split personalities to thrive in the computer, real estate, and entertainment industries. If we know about the wreckage of his brilliant career early in the story, we get why he’s contemplating suicide in the first chapter and are off and running in the root-for-Ray department.
Also, that former cop glory—if you go in that direction—can be what he leans on to bring himself out of the clutches of Dr. Munras and solve his own “case.” If small bits of his past knowledge, confidence, and experience can exist in the narrative from the start and then increase in more pronounced ways as the story progresses, I think Ray will be more credible—and lovable. Also, a storied career seems much more of the sort that can fall to pieces in the event of say, a fire where he fails for the first time on a massive stage.
One last note: I thought it was a big miss that Ray was bereft of any pronounced physical or psychological ticks (beyond his hearing voices, which I’ll address below). As the story is dependent on Ray having multiple personality disorder, I didn’t find it believable that his massive psychological disorder was only revealed through his hearing of voices. I know zero about MPD, but I would imagine that it’s much more varied and has many sub-symptoms that could work well to paint Ray in greater detail.
To sum up, I think Ray’s character needs to be re-cast as far more intelligent, nuanced, and tortured. Bring out more of his past in L.A. from the start. Maybe he’s living in the sticks because he can’t show his face in L.A. Maybe he was run out of the force because he “got strange” after the big fire and was too much of a liability given his tremendous stature as a hero cop. Maybe even to the point where the local cops do little more than humor him. I wouldn’t worry as much about making him strictly one-dimensional as the story opens, when it’s crucial to hook your reader with your star character(s).
Rik, I wanted to focus on Ray exclusively at first for obvious reasons. What follows are the remaining areas/topics that might need some attention in your next draft:
• Names: I don’t mean to keep picking on Ray, but I was a little concerned that you gave him the last name of Kurtz. As I’m sure you know (and likely did on purpose), Kurtz is the name of Joseph Conrad’s narrator from the classic Heart of Darkness (Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now being the modern incarnation). As tortured souls go, Conrad’s Kurtz is sort of untouchable, and you might not want to invite comparisons to his work. As for the other characters, I’d be careful about using different nicknames and referring to them inconsistently by the first and/or last names. It got confusing at times. Lastly, Cowers and Connors are pretty similar sounding. Might change one of them for clarity.
• Description: I felt like a lot of the description, especially of the various houses, was a little overdone and stole some momentum from the storyline. As writers, we tend to underestimate our readers. We think that we need to lead them through every scene descriptively, when it’s really not necessary. I might try to cut your descriptions down across the board and let your reader fill in the gaps with their imagination.
• Dialogue: This was by far your strongest element from an execution standpoint. I rarely found myself stumbling over the conversation in the story and think you did a stellar job of keeping the narrative moving and filling in back story where necessary. Occasionally, I thought Kurtz was a little too aw-shucks in his speech, which didn’t always work for me, given his past as a cop. If you revise, I’d look to make the dialogue a little more current and hip, which seems to be what people like in the crime genre these days.
• Chapter Length: I might try to break your chapters into much smaller chunks. There were frequently lengthy and though I’m not a die-hard reader of crime novels, my gut is that the action moves much better—and doesn’t always need to be strictly linear—when the chapters are bite size. This way, it’s also easier to present plot developments without them getting lost in a long stretch of narrative.
• Ray’s Voices: I very much like the idea of Ray fighting against the various voices that start appearing as the story progresses. However, as each ultimately represents one of his very divergent personalities, I would suggest trying to differentiate them in terms of tone and cadence and the type of advice they give. In reality, aren’t they actually the King, Sammy, Connors, etc.? I think you can do this by expanding the amount of dialogue each delivers, which would allow you to differentiate each to the point where the reader differentiates/recognizes them simply by the way they’re speaking.
• Sleeping, eating, and housework: Methinks Ray does too much of these even while he claims not to have any interest or aptitude for any of them. I was surprised at how often he would simply go to sleep because he “felt” like it or would grab a meal to clear his head. I mean, his life (and psyche) are literally falling apart throughout the story and at times, curiously, he domesticates himself out of the blue. Which seemed odd.
• Play-by-Play: Similar to the concern with over description earlier, I found that you sometimes detail all of your character’s movements on a microscopic level. Again, readers don’t usually want or need this. They’re quite capable of filling in the gaps when people do simple things from leaving their house to moving stuff around or buying products in stores. Might try to cut a lot of this extraneous explanation, where possible.
• The Series: You mentioned in earlier emails that you envision this as the first book in a series, which is great. It seems like debut crime novels have to be series-oriented at this point. And why not, once you’ve got a character who an audience loves? You also mentioned that you viewed FIVE as sort of a prologue to the series, which worried me a little, as the first book in any genre series really needs to be the strongest, the one that not just sets the stage but hooks a mob of readers, if you will. Not to put so much pressure on this book, but if you’re writing second and third installments based on this one, it will probably need to be considered much more than a prologue, you know?
So, Rik, I know this is a lot and I really took the scalpel to your manuscript and cut deeply, but please understand that 1) this is just my opinion and I could be off-base or flat-out wrong (as editors, being wrong is an occupational hazard), and 2) I wouldn’t offer this level of detailed suggestions if I didn’t think you’ve really got a great idea here that could be amazing with tighter execution.
I’m absolutely open to hashing through everything here and any other aspects of FIVE I might’ve overlooked. We can do this via email or over the phone from time to time. Whichever you like.
And a big thank-you for your patience. I know it’s been tough to sit and wait without any guarantees since the end of Vote #3. Thanks as well for allowing me to critique your work. It’s probably the part of my job I like most and yet do the least.
Sincerely,
John
I’ve finally completed my second read of FIVE. The following are my thoughts on the work at present, my suggestions for improvement, and my general take on how it stacks up in the marketplace. Please understand that what follows are suggestions only, the beginning of a dialogue, hopefully, about getting your manuscript to the next level.
So, to begin: the reason we at WEbook liked FIVE was because of the concept and frankly, its sheer ambition. As I’m sure you know, it breaks all kinds of literary “rules.” Read: You don’t often come across an unreliable third-person narrator who also happen to be the protagonist, a possible antagonist, the murderer, and most of the characters. I can’t imagine how dizzying it must’ve been just to keep up with all the details that allowed Ray to interact almost exclusively with himself. And structurally, I think you pulled it off. The sequence of events holds up well in the larger arc of the story and many of the scenes are gripping. I particularly liked the Connors personality and found the scene at his house among the strongest in the story.
However, I do think the manuscript needs another draft, perhaps two, before it’s ready. While you’ve done an admirable job of getting the story down, there are a number of issues that need to be addressed before I would consider the work ready for publication. Chief among them is Raymond Kurtz, your star (and the majority of your cast). Because he is the story, his baseline character needs to be much more dynamic, sympathetic, and multi-faceted to work. And he doesn’t, at present. This is the great challenge of the type of story you’ve chosen: Because Ray must be one-dimensional as Ray (vs. his multiple personalities, who make him complete), he tends to fall flat as a narrator, which leaves his constant self-reflection feeling cumbersome and not always compelling.
As I read, I kept coming to the same conclusion. If FIVE is to truly work, it needs to be a much deeper and more concisely delivered character study of Ray. In my opinion, it’s the only way that the ending of the book won’t disappoint. There are a number of other, smaller issues that I’ll address below, but I think, if you choose to re-work the manuscript, I’d focus squarely on bringing Ray into much clearer relief right from the start. I understand that you want him to become more dynamic as he kills off his various personalities, but I think you can still do this without him beginning as such a blank slate.
Here’s why: You open your story with Ray about to kill himself, yet we never really have a sense of why he’s so damaged until much later, and then not fully until the very end. Which makes it hard, as a reader, to really invest in him as a character. Sure, he’s broken down and retired and sort of a sad sack, but we don’t know why—and we need to, otherwise Ray’s story doesn’t matter to us. Whereas by the end of the manuscript, we find out his multiple personalities are wildly accomplished across a range of careers and disciplines, and—based on we know of Ray’s past—this big reveal frankly doesn’t add up. If Ray is to truly work as the broken man, I think you should present him as someone who has hit rock bottom after a massively heralded career in law enforcement, one with the type of experience and knowledge that would allow his split personalities to thrive in the computer, real estate, and entertainment industries. If we know about the wreckage of his brilliant career early in the story, we get why he’s contemplating suicide in the first chapter and are off and running in the root-for-Ray department.
Also, that former cop glory—if you go in that direction—can be what he leans on to bring himself out of the clutches of Dr. Munras and solve his own “case.” If small bits of his past knowledge, confidence, and experience can exist in the narrative from the start and then increase in more pronounced ways as the story progresses, I think Ray will be more credible—and lovable. Also, a storied career seems much more of the sort that can fall to pieces in the event of say, a fire where he fails for the first time on a massive stage.
One last note: I thought it was a big miss that Ray was bereft of any pronounced physical or psychological ticks (beyond his hearing voices, which I’ll address below). As the story is dependent on Ray having multiple personality disorder, I didn’t find it believable that his massive psychological disorder was only revealed through his hearing of voices. I know zero about MPD, but I would imagine that it’s much more varied and has many sub-symptoms that could work well to paint Ray in greater detail.
To sum up, I think Ray’s character needs to be re-cast as far more intelligent, nuanced, and tortured. Bring out more of his past in L.A. from the start. Maybe he’s living in the sticks because he can’t show his face in L.A. Maybe he was run out of the force because he “got strange” after the big fire and was too much of a liability given his tremendous stature as a hero cop. Maybe even to the point where the local cops do little more than humor him. I wouldn’t worry as much about making him strictly one-dimensional as the story opens, when it’s crucial to hook your reader with your star character(s).
Rik, I wanted to focus on Ray exclusively at first for obvious reasons. What follows are the remaining areas/topics that might need some attention in your next draft:
• Names: I don’t mean to keep picking on Ray, but I was a little concerned that you gave him the last name of Kurtz. As I’m sure you know (and likely did on purpose), Kurtz is the name of Joseph Conrad’s narrator from the classic Heart of Darkness (Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now being the modern incarnation). As tortured souls go, Conrad’s Kurtz is sort of untouchable, and you might not want to invite comparisons to his work. As for the other characters, I’d be careful about using different nicknames and referring to them inconsistently by the first and/or last names. It got confusing at times. Lastly, Cowers and Connors are pretty similar sounding. Might change one of them for clarity.
• Description: I felt like a lot of the description, especially of the various houses, was a little overdone and stole some momentum from the storyline. As writers, we tend to underestimate our readers. We think that we need to lead them through every scene descriptively, when it’s really not necessary. I might try to cut your descriptions down across the board and let your reader fill in the gaps with their imagination.
• Dialogue: This was by far your strongest element from an execution standpoint. I rarely found myself stumbling over the conversation in the story and think you did a stellar job of keeping the narrative moving and filling in back story where necessary. Occasionally, I thought Kurtz was a little too aw-shucks in his speech, which didn’t always work for me, given his past as a cop. If you revise, I’d look to make the dialogue a little more current and hip, which seems to be what people like in the crime genre these days.
• Chapter Length: I might try to break your chapters into much smaller chunks. There were frequently lengthy and though I’m not a die-hard reader of crime novels, my gut is that the action moves much better—and doesn’t always need to be strictly linear—when the chapters are bite size. This way, it’s also easier to present plot developments without them getting lost in a long stretch of narrative.
• Ray’s Voices: I very much like the idea of Ray fighting against the various voices that start appearing as the story progresses. However, as each ultimately represents one of his very divergent personalities, I would suggest trying to differentiate them in terms of tone and cadence and the type of advice they give. In reality, aren’t they actually the King, Sammy, Connors, etc.? I think you can do this by expanding the amount of dialogue each delivers, which would allow you to differentiate each to the point where the reader differentiates/recognizes them simply by the way they’re speaking.
• Sleeping, eating, and housework: Methinks Ray does too much of these even while he claims not to have any interest or aptitude for any of them. I was surprised at how often he would simply go to sleep because he “felt” like it or would grab a meal to clear his head. I mean, his life (and psyche) are literally falling apart throughout the story and at times, curiously, he domesticates himself out of the blue. Which seemed odd.
• Play-by-Play: Similar to the concern with over description earlier, I found that you sometimes detail all of your character’s movements on a microscopic level. Again, readers don’t usually want or need this. They’re quite capable of filling in the gaps when people do simple things from leaving their house to moving stuff around or buying products in stores. Might try to cut a lot of this extraneous explanation, where possible.
• The Series: You mentioned in earlier emails that you envision this as the first book in a series, which is great. It seems like debut crime novels have to be series-oriented at this point. And why not, once you’ve got a character who an audience loves? You also mentioned that you viewed FIVE as sort of a prologue to the series, which worried me a little, as the first book in any genre series really needs to be the strongest, the one that not just sets the stage but hooks a mob of readers, if you will. Not to put so much pressure on this book, but if you’re writing second and third installments based on this one, it will probably need to be considered much more than a prologue, you know?
So, Rik, I know this is a lot and I really took the scalpel to your manuscript and cut deeply, but please understand that 1) this is just my opinion and I could be off-base or flat-out wrong (as editors, being wrong is an occupational hazard), and 2) I wouldn’t offer this level of detailed suggestions if I didn’t think you’ve really got a great idea here that could be amazing with tighter execution.
I’m absolutely open to hashing through everything here and any other aspects of FIVE I might’ve overlooked. We can do this via email or over the phone from time to time. Whichever you like.
And a big thank-you for your patience. I know it’s been tough to sit and wait without any guarantees since the end of Vote #3. Thanks as well for allowing me to critique your work. It’s probably the part of my job I like most and yet do the least.
Sincerely,
John
This Feedback was...
6/12/2009 6:03 AM PDT
Congratulations!
This Feedback was...
5/31/2009 8:48 AM PDT
congrats on getting published!!
This Feedback was...
5/31/2009 7:49 AM PDT
Congratulations you got published, wow!
This Feedback was...
5/29/2009 8:56 AM PDT
Great story and congratulations on winning!
This Feedback was...
5/26/2009 9:50 AM PDT
Congratulations on getting published. I think you earned it.
This Feedback was...
5/12/2009 7:52 PM PDT
Congrats on getting published!
This Feedback was...
5/10/2009 8:39 AM PDT
wow, u got published! congrats!
This Feedback was...
5/9/2009 2:47 PM PDT
grats!
This Feedback was...
5/9/2009 8:56 AM PDT
Congratulations!
This Feedback was...
5/9/2009 1:55 AM PDT
Congratulations Rik! Awesome as always!
~Staci
~Staci
This Feedback was...
5/8/2009 10:23 PM PDT
Great Job! Cangrats for sure!
This Feedback was...
5/8/2009 3:27 PM PDT
YAY!!! You deserve it Rik, you are awesome.
This Feedback was...
5/8/2009 10:27 AM PDT
Much deserved. Congratulations!
This Feedback was...
5/8/2009 9:50 AM PDT
best of luck!!!!!!!!
This Feedback was...
5/8/2009 9:26 AM PDT
Congratulations Rik, I knew you would be chosen, I am so happy for you!
This Feedback was...
5/8/2009 7:56 AM PDT
Well done Rik - fantastic news! You deserve this break.
This Feedback was...
5/8/2009 7:54 AM PDT
OMG OMG OMG!!!! CONGRATS! Rik, this is soooo awesome!!!!
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 9:01 PM PDT
best of luck
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 6:51 PM PDT
I can't stop reading ! The suspense is killing me !
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 6:24 PM PDT
You are a great author and you have my vote!
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 1:34 PM PDT
Fantastic! I only managed to read the vote zone due to time but I had already started reading previously. I need to know what happens but there's so much stuff to read & review, I'll just have to buy it when it's published!
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 1:15 PM PDT
This seems like a very interesting piece you have here. I am so busy that it is often hard for me to commit to anything other than my children, work and school, but the parts of this that I did get a chance to read were very intriguing. I look forward to reading more and I pray that you have great success in your endeavors to make your dreams become a reality. God bless.... :-)
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 10:57 AM PDT
I voted publish, Good luck
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 7:32 AM PDT
Hi Rik,
I finally finished the novel on Sat. The book was great up until the end and then it was quite a shock to see where it led the reader. I feel that it left the reader disconnected and basically left Kurtz with no lead ins for another book and looking back then many paarts of the book made no sense. For example the lady who was infatuated with Simmons would've definitely recognized Kurtz as Simmons. So that didn't work. That was just one aspect but you get the idea. I think you should put on a new ending that befits the book. Up until that part it was fantastic--then it was not believable after I got to the ending. I just feel that the book has way too much potential to end in that manner. Maybe revise and proof read a bit to really improve on the book because you have a good thing going here. All the best, Kathy
I finally finished the novel on Sat. The book was great up until the end and then it was quite a shock to see where it led the reader. I feel that it left the reader disconnected and basically left Kurtz with no lead ins for another book and looking back then many paarts of the book made no sense. For example the lady who was infatuated with Simmons would've definitely recognized Kurtz as Simmons. So that didn't work. That was just one aspect but you get the idea. I think you should put on a new ending that befits the book. Up until that part it was fantastic--then it was not believable after I got to the ending. I just feel that the book has way too much potential to end in that manner. Maybe revise and proof read a bit to really improve on the book because you have a good thing going here. All the best, Kathy
This Feedback was...
4/20/2009 7:31 AM PDT
Good Luck Rik
This Feedback was...
4/18/2009 7:26 PM PDT
good luck!
This Feedback was...
4/18/2009 1:54 PM PDT
Hey Rik!
Just got your email and of course I had to come read Five yet again. I am so glad to be part of your writing as your private reader for years now. Its such a pleasure having you share your stories with me and having you listen to all my crazy feedback lol
I voted of course :) Glad to finally see this one finished! Now I know whats up with Ray and its about time I must say.
Just got your email and of course I had to come read Five yet again. I am so glad to be part of your writing as your private reader for years now. Its such a pleasure having you share your stories with me and having you listen to all my crazy feedback lol
I voted of course :) Glad to finally see this one finished! Now I know whats up with Ray and its about time I must say.
This Feedback was...
4/17/2009 9:23 PM PDT
Great dialog ; Noticed some typos/mistakes (easily fixed with some proofing); Interesting plot. Best of luck in the voting session.
This Feedback was...
4/17/2009 5:48 PM PDT
Rik,
I did not get to read all of this yet but your highlighted sections kept my attention "for real". I know one thing, i am a computer programmer but I am still waiting on the BMW. shucks, maybe in about 10 more years and a 10,000 more hours of overtime! LOL!
Good job here!
I did not get to read all of this yet but your highlighted sections kept my attention "for real". I know one thing, i am a computer programmer but I am still waiting on the BMW. shucks, maybe in about 10 more years and a 10,000 more hours of overtime! LOL!
Good job here!
This Feedback was...
4/16/2009 8:50 AM PDT
Hi Rik,
Love the plot and the dialogue is terriffic - I have gotten through chapter 10 so far. There is a lot of proofing that needs to be done. Probably should've gotten someone to do that for you but other than that the book is cool and I love the down-and-out character of Kurtz! Good luck!
Love the plot and the dialogue is terriffic - I have gotten through chapter 10 so far. There is a lot of proofing that needs to be done. Probably should've gotten someone to do that for you but other than that the book is cool and I love the down-and-out character of Kurtz! Good luck!
This Feedback was...
4/16/2009 1:12 AM PDT
The jump from writing in the notebook to heading back home seemed a little abrupt. Did you edit something here. A bridge would feel better.
"He held is peace" - did you mean "He held his peace"?
I must say you lulled me with this chapter and then slapped me at the end.
"He held is peace" - did you mean "He held his peace"?
I must say you lulled me with this chapter and then slapped me at the end.
This Feedback was...
4/15/2009 6:31 PM PDT
You are a great writer, if fact you are so good you scare me. You can write anything and this project proves it.
This Feedback was...
4/15/2009 5:30 PM PDT
It is up and left...but I am looking you dead in the eye when I say this great!! M.
This Feedback was...
4/15/2009 2:53 PM PDT
I believe the term is "milquetoast", but I could be mistaken. Few housekeeping issues, like missing letters in words, wrong words (you know sound the same or close but no cigar), but nothing a fresh read through wouldn't fix.
Also, I think that up and left is a classic tell of someone lying. Again, I'm just pulling this out of my dusty closet of useless information I have stored.
All in all, still enthralled. And on I go.
Also, I think that up and left is a classic tell of someone lying. Again, I'm just pulling this out of my dusty closet of useless information I have stored.
All in all, still enthralled. And on I go.
This Feedback was...
4/15/2009 12:33 PM PDT
It's incredible. Great job, my vote is in.
This Feedback was...
4/15/2009 8:49 AM PDT
My vote had been admitioned..
This Feedback was...
4/15/2009 7:16 AM PDT
I had to read it first and it took me some time, but thanks for submitted such a great read.
This Feedback was...
4/15/2009 2:31 AM PDT
thumbs up , webook - publish this now !!!
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 11:08 PM PDT
Way to go! This is great and I'm so glad it's up for voting! It's a very enjoyable read!
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 7:47 PM PDT
Very intrigueing. want to read more
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 6:57 PM PDT
wonderful..
my vote is in.....
my vote is in.....
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 6:33 PM PDT
Rik is an absolutely brilliant author!
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 6:16 PM PDT
Rik....you know I am behind this!!! A WONDERFUL suspenseful read, well written (of course) and one no one needs to start without the time on their hands to finish (unless they don't care to have fingernails bitten to the quick in anxiety!!!!).
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 5:57 PM PDT
I read good wrok her so many projects to vote sorry I was little late good luck gopd speed my friend the voice mike
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 5:55 PM PDT
God bless my frined i have read much of your work great job mike
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 4:23 PM PDT
This is an excellent read and very engaging. It is reminiscent of Stuart Kaminski’s “Lew Foneska” series in it's suicidal main character. I've almost read it all and would recommend it to anyone. Definitely publishable.
This Feedback was...
4/14/2009 3:53 PM PDT
When I see the name Rik Scott, I immediately want to read it. He is synonomous with good mystery.
This Feedback was...
4/13/2009 8:15 PM PDT
And I'd probably have her start out angry about him being late and then have her become scared and apologetic and desperate when she realizes he's not coming. That would add some emotional weight. It'd be more interesting if we get to see her come to that realization and adapt.
"Where the hell are you, Ray? Why aren't you answering your phone? Did you get my messages?"
That sort of thing.
"Where the hell are you, Ray? Why aren't you answering your phone? Did you get my messages?"
That sort of thing.
This Feedback was...
4/13/2009 7:53 PM PDT
And "dirt-smeared" would be better. There's a reason people don't dust windshields much, road dust notwithstanding.
This Feedback was...
4/13/2009 7:49 PM PDT
And better would be - "Ray tossed the phone onto the passenger seat and . . ."
Feel free to tell me to go away.
Feel free to tell me to go away.
This Feedback was...
4/13/2009 7:41 PM PDT
Actually, better would be - "What the dying battery lacked in power, the voice at the other end made up in volume."
This Feedback was...
4/13/2009 7:35 PM PDT
And I'd lose the "Hello" opening in favor of something like -
His cellphone trilled. Her number.
"Yeah, babe."
"Ray? . . ."etc.
And I'd put him in the car more concretely by adding short snippets of description after lines of dialogue.
"He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray" - That sort of thing.
Just one god's opinion. Hope it helps.
His cellphone trilled. Her number.
"Yeah, babe."
"Ray? . . ."etc.
And I'd put him in the car more concretely by adding short snippets of description after lines of dialogue.
"He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray" - That sort of thing.
Just one god's opinion. Hope it helps.
This Feedback was...
4/13/2009 7:22 PM PDT
I would eschew the alliteration in your first sentence. "fading" is a liability that adds nothing to the story. The voice being faint is enough to foreshadow the dead battery. I would also put the "What the battery lacked in power . . " sentence before the preceding dialogue as "What the dying battery lacked in power, the voice at the other end made up for in volume."
And after the dialogue - "And she was gone."
The dialogue already tells of concern. Suggest things and let the reader have the fun of putting 2 and 2 together instead of belaboring. Trust the reader more.
And the guy come across as whiny. I'd like him a lot better if she had to pry info out of him, perhaps him trying to reassure her that he'd be okay and neither believing it, then I do with him gushing out his angst to somebody he presumably cares
about. Unless you're trying to paint him as a Narcissistic douche who'd call her to apologize and then whine about himself. I'd probably have her call him, apologizing and begging him to come to her and him tell her it's not going to happen.
And after the dialogue - "And she was gone."
The dialogue already tells of concern. Suggest things and let the reader have the fun of putting 2 and 2 together instead of belaboring. Trust the reader more.
And the guy come across as whiny. I'd like him a lot better if she had to pry info out of him, perhaps him trying to reassure her that he'd be okay and neither believing it, then I do with him gushing out his angst to somebody he presumably cares
about. Unless you're trying to paint him as a Narcissistic douche who'd call her to apologize and then whine about himself. I'd probably have her call him, apologizing and begging him to come to her and him tell her it's not going to happen.
This Feedback was...
4/12/2009 10:22 AM PDT
publish!
This Feedback was...
4/12/2009 12:48 AM PDT
you've drawn me into the story Rik. Fantastic imagery, scenes, characters, pacing, et. al.
you've got my vote!
you've got my vote!
This Feedback was...
4/12/2009 12:25 AM PDT
You know Rik, I had intended on only reading the vote zone chapters. Well, needless to say, not only did I get drawn in, I couldn't stop reading. This is a great read, suspenseful and engaging with a character as interesting as Ray Kurtz.
I happily give you the well-deserved thumbs up! Awesome job---I'd vote again if I could. :)
~Staci
I happily give you the well-deserved thumbs up! Awesome job---I'd vote again if I could. :)
~Staci
This Feedback was...
4/11/2009 7:07 PM PDT
Yup!
This Feedback was...
4/11/2009 4:47 AM PDT
Right up there with Ludlum and Demille.
This Feedback was...
4/10/2009 8:03 PM PDT
Rick...I've just caught up with this...a great write and well deserving of publication. Luckily I'm still in time to vote it a 'thumbs up'. Best of luck.
This Feedback was...
4/10/2009 3:43 PM PDT
Sounds like an old car I had myself once, I kid you not.
Very fluent descriptive writing. Para's 6 and 7 very simmilar start, but that is easy fixed. I wish you the best of luck with this, and I vote, publish.
Rick, no problem getting in this time.
Very fluent descriptive writing. Para's 6 and 7 very simmilar start, but that is easy fixed. I wish you the best of luck with this, and I vote, publish.
Rick, no problem getting in this time.
This Feedback was...
4/10/2009 12:57 PM PDT
You have a nice way with characters, they are casually introduced and kinda laid back though the whole while you are building the tension. Very nice.
This Feedback was...
4/9/2009 6:55 AM PDT
i like your writing style !
This Feedback was...
4/8/2009 10:10 PM PDT
I'm really enjoying this so far.
This Feedback was...
4/8/2009 7:30 PM PDT
Rik, your writing is great. Love how the story focuses on the interplay with others via the cell phone . . . and how it acts as a true "life line" at the end of Day One.
Good luck! nancy
Good luck! nancy
This Feedback was...
4/8/2009 11:22 AM PDT
i wish you success, Rick.
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 11:01 PM PDT
Depending on who you listen to, there are no more than three - or four, or five - basic stories to be told. Whatever the limiting number is, RikScott has found a new one, and told it well.
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 10:49 PM PDT
Yes, definitely publishable. Good luck!
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 9:14 PM PDT
Good Luck ! Great writing!
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 8:31 PM PDT
Are you aware of how much of a role the phone (and conversations via phone) play in your writing? Interesting. You got my vote. Good luck! Lynn
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 8:06 PM PDT
The front door of the station was open and he "waked?" in. Walked?
"Lady, I do not want to have [to] go get a " missing a word
I know you've already put it up, but i'm still reading it and i just found these little piddly housekeeping things and well...u know me.
Loving it though. It's why I voted for it. Now on to the next chapter!
"Lady, I do not want to have [to] go get a " missing a word
I know you've already put it up, but i'm still reading it and i just found these little piddly housekeeping things and well...u know me.
Loving it though. It's why I voted for it. Now on to the next chapter!
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 7:44 PM PDT
Amazing dialogue. I know as a writer myself, that dialogue is very hard to write. For me, it is a bad weak spot. But you nailed it! You have another vote and your so much closer to getting this thing published!
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 6:37 PM PDT
Good read. You got my vote.
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 10:59 AM PDT
Btw I did vote!! lol
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 10:59 AM PDT
Cool I love the chapters I have read, in the vote zone. I also have a book up- 'The A Gang Chronicles'- could you possibly vote?
This Feedback was...
4/7/2009 8:49 AM PDT
Good, gripping beginning
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 5:18 PM PDT
Good opening, Rik. I know you cannot edit this since it's been submitted to the vote, but I have some suggestions for this opener that I don't believe are too negative to post.
Your protag is conveyed in his cool responses, but the woman on her side of the telephone is very annoying with the assault of questions she fronts in succession. It might be to your advantage to make both characters endearing. Think about dialogue that might combine worry with wit or definition. Who's he coming home to?
Good writing.
Your protag is conveyed in his cool responses, but the woman on her side of the telephone is very annoying with the assault of questions she fronts in succession. It might be to your advantage to make both characters endearing. Think about dialogue that might combine worry with wit or definition. Who's he coming home to?
Good writing.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 2:42 PM PDT
This is...fantastic! I'm giving it a thumbs up, everyone deserves to read such perfection.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 2:03 PM PDT
Great writing. Ten thumbs up.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 10:37 AM PDT
My vote has been cast for a great novel. Good luck!
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 9:49 AM PDT
You are a very good writer I love your style. I voted for you please vote for me to.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 9:38 AM PDT
Sam Spade, Phillip Marlow and now Ray Kurtz, it feels right, Man.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 8:19 AM PDT
Right on Rik! So glad to see this here! My first WeBook vote goes to one of the finest writers I've ever met. Let's put Ray Kurtz on the bestseller shelf where you both belong!
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 8:19 AM PDT
Good luck.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 8:19 AM PDT
I haven't finished reading, but I voted for you anyway. :-) It's goooood! lol
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 7:29 AM PDT
You got my vote Rik
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 7:23 AM PDT
I knew not that you had this fine book! I'm so proud OF YOU RIK!!!!!! It's a finished product! Awesome!
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 7:17 AM PDT
If you don't even come close, there is no justice in this world.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 7:15 AM PDT
Can it be true?! Rik Scott in the vote?! How many thumbs do I get?
Good luck, yoda.
Good luck, yoda.
This Feedback was...
4/6/2009 5:29 AM PDT
Sweet CHRIST, I get to vote for a completed Rik Scott project. Somebody give me the smellin' salts, I think I have the vapors. Thumbs up!
This Feedback was...
4/2/2009 9:10 AM PDT
Ohhh... now THIS sounds interesting! A cell phone with no battery? Hmmm... Shall start reading straight away!
This Feedback was...
4/2/2009 8:26 AM PDT
An original plot line. What a treat! Loved it Rik ~ Can't wait to read Six!
This Feedback was...
3/26/2009 9:38 AM PDT
Why isn't this up for voting?
This Feedback was...
3/23/2009 12:58 PM PDT
Are you putting this up for voting? It looks like something I will want to give a good read :)
This Feedback was...
3/14/2009 8:46 PM PDT
To tell you the truth your book, "Five" reads like a pro. I didn't have time to read all of it. You are very descriptive of the scenary down to the paint on the car and thoughts that the character has on his mind that may even be unrelated to the plot but it makes for very interesting reading.
This Feedback was...
3/14/2009 10:06 AM PDT
Rough draft my foot. I am not going to let you pull that ole procrastination trick, pal!!!! Nope.
This Feedback was...
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