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Project Leader:
Cheri_Pepsi
Participants:
The WEbook community
Who Can Write:
Project Leader Only
Category:
Fiction
Genre:
Sci Fi/Fantasy
Fairytales, Folklore & Mythology
Language:
English

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Fallen Worlds

Post-Apocalyptic world. The only safe Haven is Eden. The only problem are those blood thirsty Predators.

Skylar has one mission: get to Eden and give the professor the data. On her way, she takes in a small child that cannot walk and runs into some annoying people. The journey is plain and simple, but it doesn't seem that way as the days begin to end, and she returns to her former self.

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Dreamland0516

1/30/2012 2:13 AM PST

I read the first chapter where she awakens. I shall try to give feedback chapter by chapter as I go. Its a very good way to start a first person perspective story, but your point of view is a little muddled. Start by making sure your dialog quantifiers only refer to the person speaking (or thinking). At one point I think you have Aria saying, "Do I know you two?' and then you describe how the man stopped smiling on the same line. Instead, I suggest:

My mind was a vortex of questions. I interrupted the pair to ask the first one that popped into my head. "Do I know you two?"

Then man stopped smiling as he regarded me with cold eyes.

Also, with first person more internal monologue can always help - but at the start of a book like this I think a little more is essential. But be careful of the tense. You're not writing in first person as the action happens - but as if you were telling a story. Stay in past tense for the character and this will help you. .