Book Info
-
Project Leader:
SwordMistress
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Participants:
The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
Project Leader Only -
Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Sci Fi/Fantasy -
Language:
English
book_central
Into The Master's Lair
Trapped in an unfamilar world, attorney Lauriana Langhart is the key to an evil wizard's immortality. Embittered by his tragic past, The Master taunts her in dreams and plans a fate worse than death.
Mikell, a ranger and true heir to the throne, trains her to survive the perils ahead. Yet it may be his own haunted past that places her in mortal danger.
Lauriana must resist The Master's magic lure and defeat him before the gods will allow her to return home. At best, she will have to choo ... more »
Mikell, a ranger and true heir to the throne, trains her to survive the perils ahead. Yet it may be his own haunted past that places her in mortal danger.
Lauriana must resist The Master's magic lure and defeat him before the gods will allow her to return home. At best, she will have to choo ... more »
GIVE FEEDBACK
Book/Story Overview:
Found in section called 'Edit Project Settings.-
The Book/Story Overview is supposed to Hook the Reader, to compel them to read further.
This is a good Overview. Short, concise and containing questions that the Reader wants answers to.
Be Well,
Dollys
Found in section called 'Edit Project Settings.-
The Book/Story Overview is supposed to Hook the Reader, to compel them to read further.
This is a good Overview. Short, concise and containing questions that the Reader wants answers to.
Be Well,
Dollys
General:
This draws me in, makes me want to read the story. It looks as if you've done your homework and know your story and your characters. I especially like your tagline.
Plot:
The plot seems to have some original elements--the dreams and the MC being an attorney are a nice variation on the good vs. evil theme everyone expects from high fantasy.
The following comments should have gone in the "general" tab, but I'm not sure how to go backward in this program, as this is the first review I've done on WEbook. I apologize.
I am wondering about the use of the term "ranger" to describe Mikell. This is straight from Tolkien. People read "ranger," and that is what they think of, immediately. If this were my story, I'd find another way to describe him.
Altogether, I see too many stereotypes in your introduction. There's limited space, so you have to trim it and introduce concepts into your reader's mind; I get that. I am hoping that the stereotypes won't rule the book, but are only shortcuts to get the reader interested. And I am definitely interested. This feels like just the kind of book I want to read. It has good vs evil, and a universal importance to the struggles of your characters.
I will list stereotypes I saw in the introduction.
unfamiliar world (you could use a word other than unfamiliar)
evil wizard (one word or the other ought to change)
tragic past
a fate worse than death (this is so common a phrase that it's lost its meaning and is generally a joke. I would definitely find a way to rephrase or ditch this one. Just don't substitute "a living hell.")
btw, I do love it that you call him The Master. Very cool.
true heir to the throne
haunted past
mortal danger
magic lure
The last paragraph is wonderful.
You know, most of those stereotypes are word pairs. If you come up with alternates to one of each pair, readers may still grasp the concept without having the cliche alerts going off in their heads. That's what I'd do if this were my story.
Character Development:
At least one character, Lauriana, appeals to me just from having heard her profession. I know that she's going to be trapped between two worlds. From this intro, I don't see a conflict for Mikell. The Master's "tragic past" alerts me to his humanity. A villain needs a human side, and I already know that he has one. Mikell is the only one I don't have a handle on.
Structure:
Solid structure for an introduction -- just right. Set it up, entice 'em, leave them wanting more.
Oh, I forgot to say, back on the character development page, what's up with the alliterative name for your MC? Lauriana Langhart? I would change her last name if she were mine, It's too cheesy-romance-flavored for me (and I write cheesy romances, so I should know.)
Tone/Voice:
Just right.
This draws me in, makes me want to read the story. It looks as if you've done your homework and know your story and your characters. I especially like your tagline.
Plot:
The plot seems to have some original elements--the dreams and the MC being an attorney are a nice variation on the good vs. evil theme everyone expects from high fantasy.
The following comments should have gone in the "general" tab, but I'm not sure how to go backward in this program, as this is the first review I've done on WEbook. I apologize.
I am wondering about the use of the term "ranger" to describe Mikell. This is straight from Tolkien. People read "ranger," and that is what they think of, immediately. If this were my story, I'd find another way to describe him.
Altogether, I see too many stereotypes in your introduction. There's limited space, so you have to trim it and introduce concepts into your reader's mind; I get that. I am hoping that the stereotypes won't rule the book, but are only shortcuts to get the reader interested. And I am definitely interested. This feels like just the kind of book I want to read. It has good vs evil, and a universal importance to the struggles of your characters.
I will list stereotypes I saw in the introduction.
unfamiliar world (you could use a word other than unfamiliar)
evil wizard (one word or the other ought to change)
tragic past
a fate worse than death (this is so common a phrase that it's lost its meaning and is generally a joke. I would definitely find a way to rephrase or ditch this one. Just don't substitute "a living hell.")
btw, I do love it that you call him The Master. Very cool.
true heir to the throne
haunted past
mortal danger
magic lure
The last paragraph is wonderful.
You know, most of those stereotypes are word pairs. If you come up with alternates to one of each pair, readers may still grasp the concept without having the cliche alerts going off in their heads. That's what I'd do if this were my story.
Character Development:
At least one character, Lauriana, appeals to me just from having heard her profession. I know that she's going to be trapped between two worlds. From this intro, I don't see a conflict for Mikell. The Master's "tragic past" alerts me to his humanity. A villain needs a human side, and I already know that he has one. Mikell is the only one I don't have a handle on.
Structure:
Solid structure for an introduction -- just right. Set it up, entice 'em, leave them wanting more.
Oh, I forgot to say, back on the character development page, what's up with the alliterative name for your MC? Lauriana Langhart? I would change her last name if she were mine, It's too cheesy-romance-flavored for me (and I write cheesy romances, so I should know.)
Tone/Voice:
Just right.
Swordmistress, you already know how much I love this, having read over half of it on sites and helping with editing via email, so I won't ramble on about how great it is.
Ok, yeah, I will, because people need to read it. LOL. You've got one of those pitches that makes people want to read this story and showcases your writing skill well, but also shows that you know how to sell yourseelf. Excepionally well written, with enough information to entice, without overburdinong the reader. Not a word seems out of place, and it flows wonderfully.
One mistake - "two lives"...you mean loves? Or did you change it on purpose?
Other than I already know this is a great read, and I can't wait to see how it does on here. I know you'll do extremely well.
Oh, yeah, and Welcome to Webook.
Ok, yeah, I will, because people need to read it. LOL. You've got one of those pitches that makes people want to read this story and showcases your writing skill well, but also shows that you know how to sell yourseelf. Excepionally well written, with enough information to entice, without overburdinong the reader. Not a word seems out of place, and it flows wonderfully.
One mistake - "two lives"...you mean loves? Or did you change it on purpose?
Other than I already know this is a great read, and I can't wait to see how it does on here. I know you'll do extremely well.
Oh, yeah, and Welcome to Webook.
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