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" you know . we're in the real world . Come back to it . We only met . Your feelings will take us to whew we can't go regardless about the way we feel each other "

There are four people that I wanted to speak to. My dad, grandmother, greatgrandmother and most of all my best friend Ron.
Dad: From the time I was a kid to your death, I was angry at you. I was jelouse of the attention that your given to my sister and brother but not once listen to my side of the story. I've lower my head and taken so much bast and other negative feelings that I never given a chance to voice my choice to you. Never once have you ask me if I was happy, sad or anything. You didn't know at the time that I listen to every fight that you have with mom and once, I just once I wanted to slap you for what you've done. However, now that I'm an adult, I know what you was trying to do and mom have forgiven you (I guess). I wanted to say sorry for the negative thought I have about you, the jealouse feeling i have toward my sibling. Now that Its a new year, It time that I really stand on my own two feet and fight the battles that I should've have won. Thank you and R.I.P
To my grandmothers: I wanted to say that I'm sorry if you find my action after your passing to be ...shameful. However, I find my releaf from it. My action by shock people or find it despectful, however it was my choice and i stand by it. What I'm really sorry about is the fact that I didn't called, write or visit you when I should have. I missed the times and talks with you both and I missed the hugs. I hope that you find peace, where ever you are and I know I can try to be happy. R.I P
To Ron: I missed you and I have very mix emotion about you. Your the first one I've kissed, your my almost bf and you've been my support system when time was tough for me in high school. Even though I have pushed you away, there as a good reason why I done it.  I don't my depression to effect our relationship. When I notice how mean or below sad I was, I took my sadness to you and you kissed me, telling me that everything will be alright. I fear that oneday, I will hurt you so I have to push you away from me. I needed to fix my situation before I can even aknowledge or accept a relationship from you. I may have flirted with other men, however know that I'm older, much wiser...I didn't have a bf but focus on myself to complete college.  When the times comes, I will find you and give you the letter that I've wrote so many years ago about my feeling and the reason why I push you away from my life. I want you to be happy and joyful in life. I know that you can do anything your heart will allow it to.

I missed you all, dad and my grandmothers. I will see you soon ron.

I really wish i could say that to her in person.

"Look stacey, i understand why you would be hesitant to try a relationship with me. What i did was an act of impulse, and perverse curiousity. But you should know, that i regret it with every part of me. Yes it may seem homosexual what i've done, eccspecially to a girl, who wouldn't understand it as much, but there are so many guys who would not hesitate at the chance to do that. As you may know i am not much for keeping my own secrets, and i am an open book. After i did it, and as soon as it was done it had been chewing at me. I had to tell my friends to get it off of my chest, i had to make sure that it was not too terrible. I know that it was not my finest hour, because it kept me away from you. But i still think you should try your luck with me. I don't have a list of reasons, but i have the most important ones.
1. No one else around our quiet town could treat you as good as i can, stay as true, and care for you as selflessly as i can. I may not be a strong, or even normal person, but i know i am a good one.
2. I know you still care about me, if you found me adorable  before all of this, you must find me attractive at least.
I still care about you, and i ask that you give me one chance."

I never say this to anyone. Infact i have been afraid. You are the most sweetest most funniest man on the planet. I never met anyone like you. You are friends with brooklyn. But i want to be even more then friends. Hunter please dont go hating on me. Its not my fault. I dream about you. I think about you. I would NEVER
EVER lie to you. Please. I dont like begging. But i can see that smile on your face. I might not be here next year. And visiting won't be an option. Since we will be out of town. Please. I will do anything.

Lets say we never had this convo.. O.O

i have never met someone like you. never. and to be honest, i dont understand. why, why, why? every day you said the same thing, the same words repeated over and over. but they were meaningless and we both knew it was a lie. you pushed them all away, without ever thinking about it. Lucy, the poor girl, she adored you, her eyes filled with joy the moment she saw you. such a sweet girl, she looked up to you. she idolised you, like she never had for Thornton.and you knew it, you tolled me, that day on the pier, do you remember? if you had only remembered that then perhaps the whole mess could have been sorted and Thorton might not have left. you know why he left, he left because of you. every day having to stand you, having to ignore what was staring us in the eyes. but that was the last straw. and im not surprised he went. he tolled me, just before he got into the car, he said "my brother doesn't want to be mended Carry and i know its hard to give up on someone but for your own good you must try and see it"
i dismissed his words. i  was in love.
i knew you were better than that and i knew you never thought people would take it so strongly. but you never learnt to think. never saw the truth in their eyes. Thornton tolled you countless times. i tolled you too. but you never even listed to me, did you? oh, you might have looked at me with those deap brown eyes of yours, you might have held me close and repeated those words - but you never listened. i know that you loved me, once, just as i know i did too. but i worry that you will one day go too far and your wall will come crashing down.
Lucy misses her brother now, you miss your brother. but you do nothing. nothing changed. nothing happened. your breaking me and every one around you. i feel as if im on my last legs with my heart split into pieces.
and i begin to wonder if Thornton was right.

Ben, I understand it has been a long time since we talked; sixteen years actually. You were a 14 year old boy when you left home and to this day we are not sure why. Your mom and I had been together for only 6 months, but it was obvious that we were very much in love and still are.  Perhaps it was too much to ask of a boy going through puberty to witness the love between two women, especially when one of them is your mom.  I was the outsider, coming between you and your mom after all you had been through together, including being homeless for a while. It must have been hard on you, trying to help hold it together, especially with your mom being so ill.  Maybe, when I came along, you felt you could finally relax and let someone else take care of her.  Your sister convinced you that you didn't need to live at home; you could have so much more fun with her and you could even have a girlfriend over if you wanted to.
  I'll never get why you had to go to child protective services with a story about how your mom beat you...that was incredibly hurtful to a mother who adored you and never once touched you in anger.  It was also a brilliant and devious way to make sure you got Welfare...or your sister did.  We have never stopped missing you, or hurting for you, for the painful life you chose.  It must have been difficult, lonely and I am sure filled with regret at times.  Did you ever just want to come home?  You could have at any time, had you just asked.  You are over thirty now, long a full adult and we've never gotten a call.  It's not too late.
We pray for your return every day.  We meditate and imagine you walking through the door, full of your old humor and energy.  We pray that you can release the anger you feel toward your mom and me, and most especially toward yourself.  Life is too short to hold on to old hurts. 

I remember the day you went to CPS with your sister and had a meeting with the counselor there.  Your mom was summoned to the meeting like a criminal, and you and your sister sat in the corner and snickered while the counselor was grilling your mom, accusing her of having "strong arms" like that was a clear indication of child abuse. With no evidence at all, your sister was granted guardianship of you.  (The man was quite eager to finish up ruining your two lives so he could leave on vacation).   A devastated woman walked out of that meeting, her heart shattered by such cruelty, at her wits end and crushingly ill from the chronic fatigue that had plagued her for seven years.  She walked over to the car where you and your sister were sitting and laughing and told you that you had won; you could have what you wanted.  She would not report you as a runaway because you would end up in juvenile detention with the type of kids who terrified you because you were too gentle.  She was letting you go to live with the daughter who had already betrayed her in the past, and now was taking you as well.
She told you she was setting you free...then she came home and couldn't stop crying.  Four hours later, you called.  You told her that you were spending the night at Mick's and would be home in the morning.  Feeling her shattered heart breaking yet again, she told you no, you got what you wanted and now you needed to deal with that.  Had you asked to come home, had you apologized, had you showed any sign of compassion, she would have let you come.  Instead, you pretended like nothing had happened between you and her and me and that was almost worse than going to CPS. 

Has she regretted her decision...? Sometimes. You were young and vulnerable to peer-pressure from your adult sister and brother.  You were trying to save face and only thinking about yourself as teenagers do.  Her resilience was at an all time low, but then she remembered something that you had told her one time, a few months before.  You said, "Don't ever let me manipulate you Mom."  That came to her mind when you called that night, and so she said no to you, because that is exactly what you were trying to do; manipulate her.

You have never forgiven her; you have told so many lies about her and me to so many people.  Not one person, including friends of hers ever asked to hear her side of the story;  many of them confronted her on the street to tell her what an awful person and mother she was.  You told them she had kicked you out because her lesbian lover didn't like you.  You even went to her ex-partner and spread even more lies as well as to her own dad so you could get money from him.  He never asked her side of the story either, just transferred ownership of her life insurance policy to you kids.

After all of that Ben, all of it, we still want you to come home.  We forgave you a long time ago.  We wrote you letters and sent you cards and gifts at your graduation from high school, birthdays and holidays.  You never once wrote back, said thank-you or acted like you ever cared. 

Well, maybe you didn't ever care.  I am sure that is the lie you have tried to convince yourself of, as well as the lie that we don't care about you.  Get over it Ben.  We care-we always did and we always will.  One day maybe you will get that and one day maybe you will forgive yourself enough to come home.

We love you always.

If i could tell you everything. I would tell you that I really care about you. I would tell you that I wish you would understand about God and discover that he is the only way to be safe for eternity. :) I wish i could protect you from a problem that is around you right now, I wish i could tell you that L is not to be trusted. That she has hurt guys before and if you really want to talk about God stuff you should talk to a pastor or someone around your town. I wish I could tell you that you are my best friend. I Wish i could tell you that it means so much to me just to get a text from you or hear from you. I wish i could tell you that i like you. I wish you would realize that you are a wonderful guy who can do anything he puts his mind to. You conquered your fear of crowds and you, my friend, have traveled more then a lot of people ever will. You are a brave world traveler. You are an excellent chef and you will be mazing at whatever you choose to do. A girl made a mistake when she picked your brother over you. You are tenderhearted, kind, funny, and so much more fun to hang out with then him. (no offense meant) You are loyal to your friends, you honestly care about them, and you would do anything to make sure they are okay. In this you are so special to all who know you.


I would love to tell you all this, but i cant. We don't really talk anymore and when we do its weird and short. All i can do is pray that someday you will find God and he will direct you wherever he wants you to go. Maybe he will lead us together but maybe not. He is God and we are people on this planet for a short time and then we have the judgement. I wish i could tell you that I would rather lose you as a friend here if you became a christian and were my friend for eternity in Heaven.

Maybe I will tell you someday, Maybe you will meet God and receive that free gift he offers you and I will be able to tell you all about everything. But until then all I can do is pray ………

I like the idea.

"I'm not sure how to tell you this and I can only write this out. You know how I'm not the most talkative of all people, I am pretty much shy. You probably won't read this anyways so at least I am putting it out there. I am not sure if I do love you but ever since I knew you which was 6th grade, my heart would beat hard and when I just looked at you I was always speechless. I would cope with my feelings about you, I wanted it a secret. I remember when you began talking to me and clearly I didn't say a word because I was too scared I would say something stupid. My heart kept beating and I felt like I wanted to faint because you were right there looking at me with those brown eyes, with dark brown hair that hovered over them, My mouth slowly began to open but I quickly clamped it shut because I was too nervous. At first when we met. I didn't like you but the more you talked to me the more somehow I started liking you. Clearly, you didn't like me it seemed. Maybe you felt sympathetic. But I don't care, you put yourself our there and talked to me and that made all the difference. I know you don't like me but I do like you. I admired you. You were nice and confident while I felt like I wasn't. I would usually respond back to people but you...I couldn't. I know in the past I did certain things that seemed to make me seem desperate after you found out from one of my friends who accidentally talked too loud when you were just like a few feet away. I wasn't desperate, I had just fallen hard for you....so yes I wish you knew how I felt but you won't read this but venting these feelings out long last made me feel more free. I know I tell everyone I don't like you now, but secretly, my heart hasn't given up on you no matter how many times I'd try."

Love It!

its amazing, its makes other people get insired, along with young teens like me! haha. i am 15, and i am writing a book. but let me tell you, all these questions i need, a lot of teenagers need when they go through love.

nic this i Beautiful! Im Just Speechless

This is GREAT!! Let my soul be released!

Sounds like a great place to purge!!!

A really reallygood and meaningful idea :)

This sounds good

This is such a great idea!

This is a really good idea and will attract anyone because everyone I know has some kind of problem with love. If they dont, their just not normal.

This has let a lot of stress off my back!

This was an excellent idea, (:

I agree with Vendetta, bravo Tanya.

Wow great idea!