To the woman that never heard these words...

Here I am ,
There you are,
Can you feel my love,
You want to understand,
To know my pain,
Pain of being so close,
Pain of being so far,
This love is my plight,
It is far from white,
So far from seeing clearly,
It makes me so weary,
A love that will never be told,
Love that will never grow old,
It falls, this love
On me, with the thought of you
It comes with a pain of words never spoken,
A love never awoken,

My dearest love,
You will never read this letter, but it's one that I must write anyway. I feel as though my heart will explode into a million little pieces, if I don't get out all the things that I wanted you to know. Things now that you can never know. All I see, and can think about is your dark sad eyes, and the lonliness I always saw there in them each time our eyes would meet, when I would look up to find them staring back at me, instead of what we both should have been paying attention to in class. You were the loner, that didn't fit in. I was the girl that loved you madly, both of us so shy, hoping our eyes would say, what we somehow never could, and now will never get the chance to say. Our last day, when you brushed by so closely to me in the hall, I felt you wanted to tell me something, because you hesitated for awhile, before walking away. I keep asking myself, "Why didn't I say something to break the ice" ?, but my heart was pounding so hard, I couldn't get a word out. You were so very close. I can still remember the scent of you, on your black leather jacket. I will hold those precious moments in my memory forever. They're all I have, and all I will ever have of you. I lied to my parents today. I told them I had a sore throat, and could not go to school. How can I ? I can't sit there, and look up, and not see your beautiful dark eyes looking back into mine. My friend Sherry told me Mack Crawford is really bad off, and that he blames himself, but he keeps telling her how he just didn't see you on that motorcycle, that you always drove way too fast on. I guess I am also angry at us both, for just maybe if we had only talked that last day, you might have been here, sitting out on the front porch with me, instead of out riding. Oh, if only you knew all of the nights when I couldn't sleep, and would just lie here in this room, dreaming of you, and only that. It was so dark that night my love, with a cold misty rain  falling out on that Old River Road. I can only pray that you felt no pain, when Mack hit you. This pain that I feel, I do not think will ever go away, as you have from me forever. They say it will be a closed coffin, when they bury you tomorrow. I can still see those dark, sad eyes of yours, even when I close mine. Did you know how much I loved you, and always will ? If they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, then surely you must have seen my love for you in mine. The girl that loved you so. xoxoxo, forever and always !!!

I know we’ve always been best friends. You always tell me we are best friends and that every other girl you say that too is a ‘bestie’, although I’m not exactly sure I know the difference. But that’s not what this is about. It’s hard to even understand. I can’t even bear to write these words to you. I love you. It doesn’t sound right on paper. But when I think about it, it sounds perfectly right. And yet every day I have to see you with her. Sometimes I think I just hate you, and it’s disguising itself as love. But then I realize, I couldn’t say a single thing bad about you that I meant. The worst I could say was you were perfect. But I guess that’s bad enough, if you’re in my place. I cry because of you. I hurt because of you. I dream because of you. I laugh because of you. I live because of you. A while ago, you told me you were leaving, going somewhere else. I acted like I wouldn’t feel as much pain as her, your love. But I don’t know what hurt me worse. Knowing I might not ever see you again, or seeing you every day with her. I decided I should live my life with you, even if I don’t really have you, rather than without you all together. I’m trying my hardest to forget about you, but everyday I’m torn apart. Sometimes I wish you would go away so I can start my new life.

My Dearest ______

I miss you so and find myself clinging to your picture every night.This place really is the definition of Hell but I love it,almost as much as you.It's a funny thing but i already feel a bond with the guy's here,I think in normal social circles we would'nt mix but being thrown into this situaion together we share the hardship.
                                   I will write soon,you are in my heart always.Please write back,tell everyone I miss them and that I'll be back soon aswell.Just think of me and I'll think of you.
             _____

I still see you as you were that day.
That day you left me alone.
I'll never forget the way you looked at me.
The way you smiled at me and told me that you'll be fine. You kissed my cheeks and told me not to cry.
You said not to worry.
You held my hand.
I waved to you and hid my tears.
Then you were gone.
They came and told me they were sorry.
I cried for you.
I still do.
I buried you with those carnations you love.
I lay awake at night thinking of you.
God, how I miss you.
I fall asleep and dream of you.
And I still see you as you were that day.
That day you left me alone.

This is the way I feel.

I can't change it, no matter how desprately you wanted me to.  I did love you, just not in the way you wanted me to.  I can handle the simple loves, the friends, the cats, the fantastic novels and the beautiful ladscapes.  I have plenty of that kind of love, it happens naturally.  That wasn't enough for you, any of you.  I was foolish to belive it was, but that was all I had.  I'm sorry but I'm not really sure what Love is yet.  I'm not sure I ever will.  Even though that sounds like self pity it is still true.  I am afraid.  I wish the world would work with the light love, the easy love, but it won't, and that is the sadest thing, because right now that is all I have.

I love the way your eyes shine when you’re happy. I love the way you burst into song at the most random times. I love the way you look at me, whenever you do. I love the way you love your family. I love your dedication to everything you do, whether it be band or just something little. I love all the little things about you—the way you know all the random trivia, the way you walk, even your smile. And this may sound a little strange, but I love your nose too. I love the way you’re just a guy. I love the way you will climb on pretty much anything you can; it’s so fun to watch. I love the way you make me laugh, even when I don’t want to smile. I love the way you don’t wear shoes; I wish I could do that. I love the “Guess the Composer”; it is so much fun, despite the fact that I know almost nothing about composers. I learn a lot. I love your sense of humor, the way you can come up with something quick-witted and funny on the spot, no matter what the situation. I love your love of God, music, and your interpretation of both. They mean so much to me. But most importantly…..I love you. Every single itty-bitty part of you. And I wish you’d love me that way too. Because waiting around for something you know may never happen is hard, but it’s even harder when you know it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. "You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I need. When I talk about you I go on and on and on….." I don’t care about anybody else’s idea of ‘cute’ or ‘hot’, I have my own. Just because you’re not perfect to someone else doesn’t mean you’re not perfect to me. You mean more than anyone could ever know. You rock. Don’t ever change. I love you.

I think that the idea of publishing poems is really good.

Dear (The One),


Wo Ai Ni. Aloha au ia 'oe. Mahal Kita. Te Amo. In a hundred different ways, on a million different days, I love you. You are the one for me. I can't imagine my life without you...you're everything I never knew I wanted. That girl you can never get out of your head? The one that seems to relate to everything you do? Every song every word? The one that at the mere mention of her name.. your whole face lights up..yeah? Well I've found her, and it's you. I love everything about you. The way you talk, the way you think, the way you can be absolutely stunning without even trying, and every time you smile I fall in love with you again.

Have you ever tried to learn something and you just can't quite understand? No matter what you do you just are awash with information and none of it seems to sink in or make sense? Then have you had a eureka moment where everything just comes together and makes perfect sense and you wonder how you never understood it before? Well, you are my eureka moment. You showed me what love really is, and I know I want you in my life always. I know if you weren't there I could survive..but I know that my life would feel empty without it. Without you, everything feels out of place. It feels like there is a void, and it can never be filled. You are the missing piece..you are what makes life so great, not because of anything but being who you are. I love you for you...not because of your looks, or your style, or your money or anything material. But who you are, how you make me feel...for this I will love you forever and ever. I will love you beyond the end of time...more than anyone else ever could. I guess that's the best thing about me...that I have an infinite capacity for love. If you can handle me, if you can make it through my bad times, and if you can see the worst in me and still care about me...then just know that I will do anything for you. Unconditional, unequivocal, and unending love for YOU. That's all I have...and I'll give everything to you.


May someday I'll be able to say this for real...

Whenever I'm alone and it's quiet, my mind always comes back to you, in one way or another. Keeping this bottled up inside me drives me crazy, but I don't think this is something I will be able to tell you, but I wish more than anything that I was able to. I'm so scared of being hurt by you, even though I know you would never intentionally try to hurt me. I don't know if I could handle letting you walk out of my life. I guess that's why I put up with your bullshit a lot. It's better that your my friend than nothing at all. I guess that's why I can be so rough and snippy sometimes when I feel a distance growing. Because once you find someone, the distance grows. I tell you she's not right for you because in truth, no one is good enough for you. Not even me, especially not me. But I guess I say it because seeing you with someone else, anyone else hurts me so much. It burns in my chest and I can't speak. I know it's selfish and foolish, but I can't help it.

It always comes back to you since the moment I met you, you've captured me. There's been so many close calls. So many times I've almost said something, but I haven't. There's been so many times that I wish I had. I know we couldn't possibly have worse timing, but that doesn't change how much I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I wish this wasn't something that was so hard for me to say. I wish I could tell you all this. I wish you could understand how truly and deeply I want you. I think you may even know it, somewhere subconsciously. I wish it were something that comes naturally to me because one day because I really hope you'll love me the way I love you. I may not be the girl who does whatever you want or follows you blindly. I may not be ready to show you how much I love you physically quite yet. I may never agree with your unthroughly-researched opinions. I may not be able to control myself from yelling at you when you do something stupid, which you inevitably will. But I can give you something real and pure and true. I can guarantee that I will give you more love than anyone else on this Earth can offer. I will always be honest and supportive. I will never hurt you. It's not within my power.

I can't say that I will pine and sigh over you, I'm sure you know me better than that. But I am going to wait. Maybe for a couple months, maybe a couple of years. But that's all that I can do. I just hope that someday you will love me as I love you. Until then I'll just be waiting.

I will always carry a piece of you in my memories. No matter what people think of you, I want you to know I feel that you can do no wrong.

When I told you how I felt, you said you were flattered but not interested. I don't remember how I got through the next few years, but I did. I have a new love, and thank God you don't love me because if you came back to me I know I would be sorely tempted to leave the life I have built for myself.

I love your smile, your laugh, and all those silly things. I know you go to the same university as me and every time I think of you while I'm walking the campus streets my eyes begin to tear.

I don't know if you ever want to see me again, but even if we never meet again, you will have one foolish girl in this universe who loves you completely, unconditionally and irrevocably.

i always liked the way we met because it sounds like the sort of way the couples in the films we liked to watch would meet.

i remember thinking about your voice, because it was never a very attractive voice; it was boyish and simple. you wore a grey t shirt and the dip in my stomach when you looked at me seemed steeper than what should be considered normal.

you dont know that i liked you for all of that year, and i hope the girl you're with now is as great as she seems.

i miss how you elongated your reaaaaaallys and your overlapping front teeth.
and when our bodies folded like origami together
and how when you woke up in the morning your curls looked like devil horns


but i'm glad you're okaynow,
though most days i let my mind bend, would i still be a recurring character in your plot if i met you in June?
i miss you,
cheers for being great,
S

To J-
It's strange; I am with you but I feel as though the people we are and have been are not aligned.  Unlucky stars perhaps.  If the person I am now met you ten years ago, we would have been unstoppable.  As it is, the years between us will catch up to us more and more as time goes by.  I know that I will lose you, and have to keep on living.  How do I bear that knowledge? We are forever doomed to live under the cloud of time.  I think maybe difficult love is my destiny.  The overlap of our lifetimes, even this much, is a chance of fate I will not disregard.  You will always be my first, my greatest love.

When the time comes, I will not be able to bear watching you die.  I know I will have to leave you before you begin to decline, otherwise I would have no stomach to keep living. Your smiles are both my greatest joy and deepest sadness, because I know they will end too soon. Forgive me, my love.

What a good idea!

Dear Craig,

I've rewritten that day in my head a million times, but it always ends the same. You entering that store, your curls dripping and my heart breaking because I knew that I made the wrong decision; but there was nothing I could do to fix it, to change the choices that have been made and make it so that you and I could be happy.

If we had met in a different time, in a different place, I would have had the wherewithal to be who you needed me to be. I needed you to be the boy I would marry, the one I could take long lovely walks with, share my secrets with, and grow old with. We were too young, I was too inexperienced, and I wasn't what I would have to be to be happy with you.

I made dumb mistakes. I was careless with your heart, and for this I will forever be sorry. I'm happy now, and I almost wish I wasn't. I wish I could go and find you, throw off the shackles of my life and show up on your doorstep. Today I am worthy of you, and yet we are destined to be separated.

I sometimes wonder if there are alternate worlds, alternate possibilities in this world. If there is a universe out there where different decisions had been made, and you and I are together and happy and in love. Living out the story that I wasn't ready for when we had the chance.

always,
rilla

Catherine,

Remember when you finally found out that it was I who bought you the secret admirer necklace in seventh grade?  I still loved you at that moment.

As a matter of fact, through every relationship and crush I have ever had, my mind has always turned back to you.  Even to this day, eight years after my hideously cute "I'm too shy to actually speak to you" gift, I still think about you. 

I wonder what would've happened, if I had been a bit more brave.  I never had a problem talking to girls, except you.  You always threw me off, made me lose sight of what I was thinking.  You affected me that much.

Throughout the years, even if we weren't in contact that often, you always held some part of my heart.  I'm always happiest when I finally get to see you again and your hugs are the most heartfelt and warming things I've ever received. 

I hope I tell you all of this one day.  No matter, I'll always feel the same.

-Ross

I love your routines.

I love the way you always shake my hand every morning.

I love the way I always cycle past you at the gates every afternoon.

I love the way you're always waiting there, for whom I don't know, in your duffel coat.

I hate duffel coats,
but I love yours.

Jamie,

I loved you before you told me you were a stripper; and nothing changed after I you told me which you were very nervous about.

Nothing changed.

Except you.

You threw me out, under the guise of my not "contributing" to the finances as much as you would have liked... and I should say as much as I would have liked; You don't know this but I lived in my car for months after that too ashamed to tell tell anyone what happened... My family still doesn't know the magnitude of what happened, they only know "I ran into a bit of bad luck" back then.

Now; you remember that job that fell threw... well a year later I got it and now three years later I'm thriving and could actually be handling all the rent, the bills, your car payment and anything else you would have wanted...

You gave up on me too soon.

I have someone now that truly appreciates even the slightest gesture. I am truly lucky.

And yet I still love you so much. In my heart I feel you still view me as a failure and that's one thing that crushes me. I hate that feeling. But I will never hate you. I think about you all the time but I never speak about it. I hope you at least once in a while think of me too.

Much love and health,

Barfly

It’s really dark and cold in here.  My heart feels atrophied.  I no longer trust anyone including myself.  I can’t believe I let you go.  I can’t believe things between us got so bad.  Sometimes I wonder why you left, but then I remember it’s because I told you to.  I pushed you away, and, in so doing, I lost something precious and unobtainable, something I suspect I’ll never have again. 

Words cannot even begin to express the sorrow and regret I feel when I think on the demise of our relationship, but I have to try somehow to let you know how I honestly feel about things.

I’m not asking you to come back.  I wouldn’t wish that kind of chaos on either one of us.  But, I do want you to know that I realize what a horrible, unforgivable mistake I’ve made.  I want you to know that not a day goes by where I don’t realize how empty my life is without you.  It’s important to me that you know this, and it's important to me that you know I remember.

I remember falling in love with you.  I remember the first time we hugged.  I remember our first kiss.  And, I remember the first time that we shared passion and intimacy wrapped in one another’s bodies.  I bet if I tried I could remember every one of those long showers, both of us sitting on the floor of the tub until the water turned cold.  Scalding hot to icy cold, doesn’t that sum it all up?  All of those late-night promises are now little more than smoke and dust.

I remember loving the way you laughed, the way you whistled (badly) with the music on the radio, the way you sang the wrong words in the wrong key to the songs we both loved.  How could someone so tone-deaf sing with such beauty and grace?   I remember all of it, the good and the bad.

I suppose it was for the best.  I imagine the fighting would have just continued to escalate.  I guess things got to the point where nothing could be salvaged.  Or maybe that’s just what I tell myself to try and make some sense of this terrible thing that I've done.  

I’ve lost a lot of people, but the emptiness that I experience on a fairly continual basis from your absence in my life is by far the most devastating.  

I can’t have you back, but I wanted you to know that after a little over a year, the pain has not lessened.  It’s worse.  It’s not as sharp as it once was, but it still aches.  It still feels like I can’t catch my breath.  I wonder, when I am finally able to move forward, if I’ll have learned something about myself.  I wonder if I’ll again find it necessary to squander and destroy a love like we once had.  I’m afraid that it might be too late, however. I’m afraid that I won’t learn or change or grow.  I’m afraid I’m doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again.

But, I have some hope.  I actually have hope for a lot of things.

 I hope you have found yourself again after all I put you through.  I hope that you laugh a lot and that you are happy most of the time.  I hope that you are healthy and well and filled with an inner peace and a sense of self-assuredness.  I hope that you finally know love that doesn’t stifle and suffocate.  I hope you know that you are an intelligent, inspiring, and honest woman.  And, I hope the pugs are well and that they continue to bring you joy.

I apologize if this letter brings you grief or sadness.  That is not my intention.  I only wanted you to know that I finally realized what I did to you.  I never meant to crush you and put you down and make you feel untrustworthy.  I realize that in my insecurity and fear I tried to control and own you.  I finally have some understanding of what I did to you, and for that I'm deeply sorry.

You used to take up so much of my time and mental energy.  I couldn't commit to anyone for the longest time - not really - because all my thoughts were of you.  I thought of you every day, and the ache was persistent.

I realized I don't think of you much at all anymore.  And when I do, it's more like a recognition without feeling.

It's nice.

I wish you every happiness, but I don't sit around anymore regretting the things that could have been.  And for that, I thank you for getting back in touch with me so we could both close that exceptionally long chapter in our lives.

Take care, and I'll catch you in another life.

P.S.  I'm gay.

house in flames


well i've met that man who lit the spark
and i've seen that woman who burned like an irresistable flame
 i've seen that house up in flames,
and i've seen the reasons to cross thresholds that crumble under your footsteps,
but what sane man wouldn't pause at your threshold and hesitate before lunging in to a house aflame?
I've seen the cuts and the bruises, I've seen the suture kits.
I've held down charred bodies to keep them from breaking more bottles, to keep them safe from themselves.
so forgive me once more for breathing a sigh of relief
 when you turned over and fell back asleep.

KDP,

I am not the same person you left.  I smile.  I laugh.  I joke.  I speak.  I try to be a person you would want.

I have been from coast to coast, and back again.  Trying to find my place, and failing.

Now.  I know you are happier.  I know you deserve better.  And I know it would be unfair, to say these words to you. 

Instead, I say them in my mind, endlessly, and commit them to paper, only once:

I still love you.  And I always will.

LAN

I spend a lot of time loving these days. But you aren't there. What I end up finding as I'm freezing and walking past the lake and around the stone steps and under dead trees and freezing sidewalks is that I'm loving your ghost. If you were dead we would have the same relationship that we do now. Maybe you were never really with me, as a friend or anything else, just your body but never your soul, your love.
I sit here on my twin size bed sometimes and I want so desperately to call you, to tell you about my day even if you don't really care. I want to cry to you and tell you that I want to come home. I want to sit in warmth and play with bottlecaps and pennies like we did before any of this happened to us. I'm so cold and alone here Ben, and I only want to love you and be with you and make you feel like you never need to be with anyone else ever again. You don't need to keep searching for girls that don't love your mind or your depth. You don't have to be with the dried up soul of that girl you kissed in the field. You don't have to resort to the drunken stumbling and runny makeup of the girl down the hall. I'm standing here and loving you and loving you and loving you and I will continue to stand until I can neither stand nor cry or love anymore.
I should have refused to listen to your story about the girl you met. I should have just said no, but I desire so much to encourage you and be as agreeable as I can for you. But you told me and I cried for 3 hours in my empty bedroom in my parents house because of it. But what more can I do, Ben? I love you but I fear that neither can I physically or mentally endure the torture you put me through; the little things. You didn't look me in the eyes when we stood freezing in the parking lot, outside of the car for God knows why. I'm freezing and waiting and standing for you, and nothing.
I'm sorry for the way I am that makes you unable to love me back. It's just that I have so much love sometimes, and I'm holding it, and I'm trying to give it to you. And it grows and grows and gets so heavy, and I want so badly to pour it over you and let it go, let it flow out from me to you so that it doesn't have to well up anymore: so it doesn't hurt so bad anymore, Ben.
Until then I am walking in jumbled confusion. I'm trying to search and find someone to hand this heavy love to, limping around desperately throwing it out and receiving it back. Until then I can't hear anything, nothing is really clear. I will continue to drag it through the snow, around the lake and under the dead trees and on the cold sidewalk.

It's just that I am getting so tired.

R
I am not sure if I’ll ever be able to say this...but this is the selfish truth as far as I know it. I want you so much that I ache and I keep hoping that I can get over it as it’s very painful wanting you like this and knowing we have no chance to ever even consummate what I feel for you...
I do not know if you want me, I feel that you do but I may be wrong, there is a very good chance I am. You are a very honourable and good person and I find you so very beautiful, achingly so and I cannot imagine you wanting me.
I know it is quite possibly very obvious to you that I adore you and would do almost anything for you, perhaps this makes you uncomfortable considering what our current marital situations are but I feel, so deeply and so very much.
Why I write all this, you may wonder. Possibly I do not have the courage to say it to you in your presence. Rejection is a brutally sharp knife that cuts deep and the edge of it makes me shrink away
You are to me that rara avis that I have never seen elsewhere and I adore you, whether this is a transient and violent desire I do not know...but I do desire you and I hope that you do too.
To prevent this billet from being overly garrulous, I wanted you to know about the amative nature of the feelings I possess for you and I hope you would gift me with a few moments of your life, a few fleeting moments of pleasure and perhaps gift me with what you feel and think about me.
Take me in your arms and kiss me, if only once or let me have a small part of you for a elusive moment. I am yours if you want me...
And if you don’t, that too is acceptable and I apologise profusely and I hope you forgive my transgression.
I await your response, any that you may have.

Jennifer,

I'm Sorry.
I wasn't there for you when you were hurting. I turned a blind eye when you started doing drugs to cope with the pain you felt inside. If i knew then what i know now i would have held your hand. Kissed you longer. Taken more time out of my day to appreciate you cleaning, doing the laundry {even though you turn our clothes different colors}, and helping me cope with all the problems in my life.
I know i put you in the back seat because i thought you'd always be there. All the women i've dated haven't even come close to comparing to you.
I know you're in a relationship with another woman and you're getting married it still kills me inside to know i lost you...us
I remember the day i first knew i loved you. We're were laying in your bed and your nephew walks in and says "yenny i wov you yenny" you picked him up and threw him in the air and tickled him. Seeing that genuine happiness in your eyes and the love conveyed made me melt.
I'm sorry i walked away from you when you said you loved me for the first time. Letting people in isn't my forte. If you read this  turn on hinder- better than me and remember why we were together for so long.

i know we'll never be us again but it doesnt mean it doesnt break my heart to know it.

-your babygirl

Philip,

The day I left you we made love in the morning.  I knew then that I was leaving, I didnt have the heart to tell you.  You hit me when I told you I was returning to America.  I once told myself i'd hurt any man that laid hands on me......but I'd hurt us both in that choice enough.

We tried didnt we?  We wrote, we talked.  For two years after that horrible afternoon in the basement we exchanged little notes and checked on each other.  I came to realise why i wasnt happy in Germany.  We were both to blame.  There are nights, even now, when i wish I'd realised it long ago.  Before calls became emails, emails the occasional IM...the occasional IM...to nothing.

I loved you.  Something inside me died when you didnt come for me, that day at the peir.  Something inside me wanted you to show up, and take me off the boat.  Is it silly of me to wish for such a thing when what i was really doing was breaking us both, because I was homesick and scared?

I wish you could know how often you come to my mind.  That I still look for your work on the net.  How sad it makes me I cant find anything new of yours.  You were such a wonderful artist.  I hope you're well, I hope you've found someone that loves stronger then me.  That isnt scared.  Someone strong.

I tell myself that I wouldnt know those I know and love now, if I had stayed there.  Deep in my heart, I know that the choice, however painful, was right.  

That doesnt change how sometimes, when i look at the moon, like we used to together, I dont wonder if you're looking at the same moon.  I wanted so to hate you for the things that were said, to forget and move on.  But all I can do is love you.

Dear Danny,

Thank you for loving me.

My heart,
Becky

I haven't met you yet, love of my life, but I know that I will.
i just wonder how..
Will I know right away?
Will it take hours, days months, years?
Have I already met you and our love is like a seed waiting through winter to bloom?
I have so many questions for you, answers only you can give.
Will you be tall, handsome, short, charming, funny?
I know that you will be perfect to me,
but I wonder what color your eyes will be.
Will you laugh at my jokes, will you think I'm perfect for you too?
I hope that I am everything you are wishing for right now.
I'm waiting for you, find me soon.
Love Forever
You will know who

M,
You're my best friend. Ever since I met you that summer before I started school, when you walked out of the library and showed me around campus, I knew you'd be someone of importance in my life. You were always kind to me and understood how I was.

When I told you that I liked you I really meant that I loved you. And you were so afraid of leading me on, but you did. And I understand that you didn't feel the same, I somehow knew it before I told you, which is why it took me so long.

That wasn't the part that hurt the most.

No, the part that hurt the most  was when you first kissed and then took a freshman as your girlfriend. After you told me that being a senior was part of the reason you couldn't go out with me, a sophomore.
But I could have gotten over that if you didn't start rubbing her in my face. Those comments about having a girlfriend while I was single really stung, especially since YOU turned ME away. I have never cried as much as those nights after I hung out with you and her.

But even now I cannot deny what I feel. Time has healed the sharpest of pains but it cannot stop what is certain: I love you. That simple realization is why I can forgive you for all you've done to hurt me and why I can continue to live with you in my life. You'll probably never know, but you are the most important person in my heart and not having you near leaves a gaping wound inside of me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Forever, if silently,

B

I remember the first time you told me you loved me. I was terrified. Not because i loved you, not because i was afraid to say it back. The truth was- I didn't love you. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what it was to love.

I had never felt love before. Not from anyone. And to be perfectly honest with you- I could have loved you. Maybe not knowing how to love; what to love; was why i was so afraid. Maybe it was because i was vulnerable. I didn't want to give myself away. I didn't want you to know how scared i truly was.

But I'm not so scared anymore. Infact, I feel brave, and alive, and happy. Do I blame that on you? Of course. But guess what? It's because I've realized something... Something important.

I love you.

My Heart in a Shoebox

Remember when you were just about to leave my house
through the sliding glass door by the kitchen and
you found a little bird, broken wing dragging as
it hopped around my patio?
And then you called your friend the vet
and took it over there in an old shoe box?
I remember your worried face and the way
I had to hide a smile because
that's when I first loved you.

R.


Its been 7 years since I first met you, and I have to admit, we went through a lot already. Even though we haven't been exactly together.  I knew you were someone that would leave a great impact in my life. I knew that you would be someone that would be really important to me. I have been in love with you for a long time now, and by the time that I realize that I am in love with you, is when I am a million miles away from you. Theres a big hole in my heart right now that I am away. You have told me a few times that you do love me and what not, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Lately, we have been just drifting apart, really far apart and I think you are going to tell me one day that you don't want this anymore. I am honestly scared to lose you right now. Right when I think that I found someone that I'd be willing to be with,


I love you really. And I would do everything just to see you again. To fly back there. I want to be with you really. I really want to see you, hug you and kiss you.



One of our friends told me that we might be meant to be but not right now. I just wish someday we could be together, like together physically.


I miss you. And i promised you that I would come back soon, I love you so much.


A.

    I've put you in my dreaming well
    
    It's beautiful down there
    deep
          and cool
                     and magical
    
    It's never sunny
                 never dark
    
    The moon shines bright and constant
    
    You'll never be alone for very long
    So don't be scared
        
                I'll be there soon
    
    Splash
    
    we bathe in bright moonbeams
                creamy soft and white
    Just me and you in liquid light
    a lunar pool,
    for us,
    tonight
    
    Right now is happy, safe, carefree
    like little birds on limbs above
          in trees that filter moonlight soft
    
    this is where I come to dream

About the Lunar Eclipse:

We can watch it at the same time and then, for a moment, pretend we aren't so far away.

Maybe then, in that moment, as we pretend to be near, our thoughts like children will play.

We will frolic all moonlit through meadows and oaks and bask in celestial glow.

Secretly smiling and blushing from cold in a place that only we know.

Under our lunar eclipse for a night, I can be sure of one thing,

The thought of your face in this heavenly light is enough to make even me sing:

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!!

S,

I can't believe I'm writing you a letter the day before I leave...on my birthday. I know you have some extraordinary evening planned for us. But I need to get this off my chest before I'm ready to kiss you goodbye.

Thank you. For everthing. For being the amazing guy that has me awestruck.

What will I do without you for 18 months? Without your fingers enlaced in mine? Without your lips leaving the taste of coffee on my own? Without your arm around my waist? "I love you"s whispered in my ear...stolen smiles when no one is looking. God....it's just cruel keeping us apart...

Just wait for me. Please wait for me. My heart and soul are yours and yours alone.

Forever and always,
K

Everything will be o.k.
everything will be o.k.

say it again please because i don't believe you for a second
your voice was my home
where are you?

everything will be o.k.
everything will be o.k.

i hate the way you left and how i yelled
and those stupid little words
to take back forever
the pathetic plea, the final lyrics written to me

everything will be o.k.
everything will be o.k.

33 weeks and i still don't believe
knew you broke skin
told you you'd leave
too soon did it come
and i never got to say

everything will be o.k.
everything will be o.k.

33 weeks and didn't you say
there's no mercy
no mercy for me?
it's hard like you said but
for 33 weeks i've been alive
wondering if you still believe

everything will be o.k.
everything will be o.k.

we all do things to keep ourselves alive
you break and hide
i just simply lie
here's one last things i kept from you
you're the one i'd love to spend my days
and talk to the city in a haze
of references and lyrics
of the pride we take in stealing
i hope it's not too hot
and the highway stays clear
those minutes weren't wasted
i whispered to the tone
"i wish you were here"

there's just one last thing
i'd say to you
don't ever regret
those talks of nothing
and i meant it when i said
"of you i will never forget"

everything will be o.k.
everything will be o.k.

During my divorce I went on a haiku writing spree:

I dream of her only
By day and night haunting me
Forever lonely


Wings fall from the sky
Yes, ending the pain at last
Blessing in disguise


I long for her touch
The caress now out of reach
The burden too much


A clue of a gift
Lilies to brighten your day
Can we close the rift?


Mend she will not try
Her love for me all but gone
For us both I cry.


My children I love
Bright and sparkling futures
True gifts from above.


She is waiting for
Words to ring of true change
Mute I fall evermore.


Spiraling abyss
PLEASE this can not be real
Life will not be missed.


No sense moving on
With life forever alone
Can’t even rhyme now.



Goliath is me
For David she has fallen
Slain the beast has he.


My words so hollow
Meaningless to her, let go!
Perhaps tomorrow


Wait til tomorrow
Then tell me it is over
Postpone my sorrow.


I give not gladly
Release from burden of me
Sent posthumously


Fragrant the tulips
Pale next to the beauty of
Your soft warm two lips


I’ll get over you
Perhaps in ten thousand years
Well, Give or take two


In ten thousand years
We will be together, but
Until, I cry tears.


Lilies yes lilies
Charming true but yours ten fold
I miss you, silly.


Plod not, like the ox
Be like the water and flow
Chase tail, like the fox



Don’t you tell Scotty
That the bitch never loved him
Scotty doesn’t know



And other stuff:

Well since I won’t see you on Tuesday and I don’t have money for a card figured I’d take this opportunity to leave you this.

Happy ‘Church Anniversary’ [her].  Our 8th … and last.

I did the right thing making you my wife.  I then proceeded to do all the wrong things once you were.

Good luck in everything [her] and remember when things get tough in life there is always someone out there who believes in you and loves you unconditionally.


Love always,

{me}


And for a new love:

Hello?

Are you there?

I sent you a letter.

Just to say I care.

And to make you feel better.



Hello?

Can I see you?

Hold you in my arms?

To help see it through.

And keep you from harm?



Hello?

Will you take my love?

It's yours already.

Then we can rise above.

And face the world with hearts steady.

What You Saw

What you saw
was the burning off.
The frantic ending of
a turgid incubation.

Turian Voyager, Forcefield Transformer,
You've changed me.
Gamic Grammarian, Mordacious Mortician,
How did you?

Sanguinary Savior,
You've killed me to make me. 
Your hands are bloody with
endings and beginnings.

I give myself over
to your execution.
Prime  and divulge me.
Rive me asunder.

I found one of our old love letters yesterday.  I often wonder if I'll ever have that kind of love again. Seeing you today brought back all kinds of bad things and good things and that's why I didn't say anything. 
I'll fall in love again, I'm, sure. But that doesn't mean I'll stop loving you.  The first person I ever really loved.

We tried it once, and it turns out its no good.  but i see you again and i know you're mine.  i see you treat her like you did me and i pity her, not because she took my place but because she doesn't know better.  she doesn't know that this love blooming friendship is so much better than a useless life of boyfriend servitude.  I pity her because she does what I did, she gets drinks and cleans the floor.  Did I really look like that?  That's not me.  That's who I though you wanted, but I can't imagine you're satisfied. I didn't mean to assume, but you should've asked before you assumed right back.  But  if she is content, why shouldn't i let her.  if you are content, which i don't believe go ahead. I have faith in you, I know you are a better man that that.  You'll get over your yellow phase eventually. 

But where have i been?  for weeks ive felt this horrible pall of pain, uncertain noise fall over me every night searching for someone to comfort me.  ignoring you.  i believe i deserved an apology but realizing it would never come was good enough for me. finally i know where we stand.  it turns out we weren't competing.  that there actually wasn't drama.  i love that about you.  but knowing that you still exist, and that you still laugh that way with your goofy ass nose comforts me enough.  although i think we're very romantic, and i recall our attraction, i dont think a relationship was the answer.  i don't think that was meant to be.  maybe in another way, in another time when we grow up a little bit more.

Now that you're here, I know that there's hope for a better man than I've had.  How lucky I am.

how wonderful life is now you're in the world.

ES

This is a great idea! ::Applauds::

To the Pearl of my heavens

I cannot with words carve you a proper effigy
of alabaster rhymes or phidian subtlety.
yet I would had I skill equal to this task
around your idol in carnival masque
cast pierian flowers on the merry grass.
And, like the old poet I should say
"shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
For in that contest you would win the fight.
Your beauty eclipses the Sun, and the Moon in flight.
It surpasses the myriad stars of night.

My Dearest Christopher,
        It seems that I must leave yet once again. Only when I get back will I know for certain it was a huge mistake. As I probably have already told you, the SSI application (disability) can't be changed through state without it taking just as long as if I never applied. At least this way I can get the ball rolling on our living situation. Plus you know that I miss those kids with all my being. As I miss you when you are not with me.
        It may be a while before I can talk to you again, but I want you to get a notebook and write in it everyday, how your day went ,you know stuff like that, or have a designated file for that. I want to still be a very active part in your life. I know that with the short time that I've been here, you really have made me do stuff, like take the attempt to try to do stuff, like job and my own welfare. That is something that I needed.
        But I will miss the little things the most. I just hope that all this coming and leaving isn't causing you to loose faith. It would be for me, but it's not like that, you said the other night you understood. I hope you sincerely do. I have to have my children. they're what everything in this world good that I've done. If that be the only thing, that I did good in this world, was them.
        I don't want you to think you're loosing me. It's just we had seperate lives and we have to end those or modify them before we can be together, for real. We'll have something to work for and look forward to, little aggravations, but in the end minor and fixable.
        I don't thing for a second that we were never meant to be. Not for a minute. No one was suited for each other, like we are. This will give us time to actually work on ourselves, or you've been doing good about it, me not too much. But I know I definitely have something to look forward to. That makes me want to work that much harder at it. Do you see? Motivation.
        You also got to get the rest of this stuff with Heather and the
 boys
 straightened out. You should see them way more than you do. You really need to focus on that, and to get into an apartment so you can have them without somebody looking over your shoulder while with them. As I have to do with my situation. It will all come together.
        Our thing is we are too worried about getting ahead of ourselves, because, we need each other. TOTALLY understandable. But that stupid word/virtue, Patience. My love, I will never love any other than you. Believe that. No one can break that. You open my eyes to thing that are so real, and your writings. One day you will dedicate a book to me, and it will have the towers and Sasha and Charlie, hell I gave you your prologue.work from that if you have to. You have all theses ideas floating in your head, and you can't even begin to unleash them. You're remarkable in your writing.
        I hope that you don't read this til I'm gone, but I want you to know that I'm very proud of you and you've come a long way, but your adventure will never end, even with me, it will go into your eternity as well. I wish beyond wishing, I'll be there in your eternity. Ours will collide. It will be like no other, our eternity will be one. Then that will start our second life together. Loving, dancing, watching movies, and kissing, and making love. In eternal bliss.
        We still have far to go, but have no doubts I will be there for you no matter what. Promise.
        Your Truly, In This Life Or The Next,
         V.Thompson