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Sure I'd love to and thanks!:)

My comment was supposed to be for the prologue. I had to reload the page because it wasn't working. Whoops!

I love this! Great introduction. This could be a really interesting kidnapping story. I will definitely read on!

Would you read and comment on my story, Summer's Sun and Winter's Woe?

I just finished it I couldnt wait for 2morrow I luv'd u r an awsome writing I am just really sad that dylan didnt make it.

Okay this is awsome I love it I will have to stop reading now I am in Dear Diary #25 so I will continue 2morrow

OMG this sounds really good I'ma read it rite now.

I read the beginning. Your writing shows a lot of promise; I just think you need more practice. My biggest advice? Show don't tell!

Say it with me: Show don't tell, show don't tell, show don't tell. When you tell people what is happening, they get bored. When you show them, they get interested. It's a lot like playing a really easy game--like, take Uno for instance. Would it be fun if you won every time you got a red card? Yeah! For about three minutes. Writing is the same way--make the reader work a little bit. Keep things secret. And, most importantly, make sure EVERY SINGLE WORD is important and relevant. Extra padding without substance only weakens a otherwise great story.

I want to talk specifically about the section that starts with

"Before I go any farther," and ends with "it was blazing hot."

There are good things and bad things in that part. First of all--the book is written in diary form. Do you interrupt your diary entries to describe yourself? Of course not! You know what you look like! Plus, you describe a pretty average "hot girl". I know how fun it is to write about pretty people, and characters are like children, so all you want is for your characters to be attractive and happy and successful. The best stories often come when characters are NOT, though. The biggest reason for that readers like struggle. They like hardship and let down and emotional roller coasters. But you can only do that if you're sincere with your writing. That is something that I can't explain how to do; I don't even know how to do it, yet! At least not perfectly, and not with everything I write. Sincerity takes a hell of a lot of practice. The best way to figure it out is to write what you know. If you're telling the truth, your readers will believe you.

There are some really great things in that section, too. I like the anecdote about her father seeing her in the parking lot. It is the first indicator of your character's voice. She's sort of indignant, and I like that. Details like that are a GREAT example of showing instead of telling.

Which of these two is better?


Until that day, I hadn't seen my dad since he and my mom broke up. I was eating an icecream cone in the parking lot of the icecream parlor. My dad saw me, and now he thinks I'm a slut, because he saw me wearing a tank top and short shorts. I couldn't help that it was the middle of July and really hot, though!



Until that say, I hadn't seen my dad since my mom made him leave. It was the middle of July. I was wearing the shortest shorts I owned and a tank top more akin to a scrap of fabric than a tshirt. All of this in a vain attempt not to melt, but I wasn't sure how I was succeeding. At the very least, I was succeeding better than my icescream cone.

Out in the parking lot, the sun beat down on my back. I saw a familiar man staring at me. He was tall and lean with a stubbly chin--and he looked disgusted. When he saw me looking, he turned away and muttered something. It looked a lot like he was saying <i>"Slut."</i>


In the second paragraph, I thought really actively about showing instead of telling. It makes for a much more effective story. I hope that you'll try to show instead of tell in your next writing--- I think you have really good ideas, and a nack for storytelling. You still need a lot of practice, but you've got plenty of time for that! The more you write, the better you'll get. If you continue writing regularly, the stuff you're writing now will pale in comparison to what you write in the future.

Keep it up!

Cool

This sounds very interesting. I love these types of stories- when a kidnapper is involved ^-^

very creative.

General:
From the info I am given from the beginning, it sounds like a great idea. However, reading the story I was disappointed.  Horrible grammar and spelling isn't even the worst part!



Plot:
First off, when starting your story, be a little descriptive. Talk about your surroundings, maybe about the route you were taking to your friends house. When you get picked up by the person in the van, you don't need to say it was 15 feet away. Just say a van parked some ways away from you, then a man jumped out, knocked you out and threw you in the back. Also, it wouldn't just take 5 seconds for you to be in the van, in a park, in a neighborhood to go to a secluded house.

  You said Erin then went to Erinn. If this is the friend, you need to keep the names correct. Why would you write xoxo when signing out of a journal? You are fearing your life here! Be a little more descriptive about where you are, take note of your settings. Instead of saying, there was a couch and a closet, give a slight description. EX: the couch was brown and one of the cushions was torn, with some of the stuffing poking out. Don't do it day to day. I doubt a kidnapper would let you have a notebook out and let you write in it. You need to be more secretive about it. Talk about family and school. You don't always need to say, "Oh woe is me, I got beat again today." Also, cut it with the black eyes please. We get it. Your hurt.

  You said in one of your journal entries that Dylan says he gets sexually abused. A 13yr old boy would not just come out and say this. At that age it's embarrassing, he just wouldn't talk at all, or he would be angry. And he isn't going to sit there and say he is mentally in pain. About your little note to your kidnapper as well, he wouldn't even respond. If he wanted something from you, her would take it. Kidnappers rarely if ever negotiate. 

Character Development:
Your character is a 13 year old girl. Please act like one. She (or Dylan) would go around saying they are depressed, or say they are sexually abused. Don't be afraid to say rape! Have her think about 13yr old things! Like school, friends, family. Think about what your friends would be doing at this time, or what your family is thinking.

 Dylan dying was a bit predictable.

 Your kidnapper seems a bit....bleh. He's boring. And Annabelle, please just shoot me now. She sounds like she came out of a movie.

Structure:
You have no climax. It just goes from beating to beating. Change it up. Don't be afraid to change your story a bit!

Tone/Voice:
Change it. Please. It got boring. Very boring.

General:
It was really good. Great story idea, bit of grammer error but anyways :) By the way what is a Yahtzee.

Plot:
It was a bit predictable that it was going to be the dad, but it was still a really great plot. I didn't see Dylan getting shot. I would have liked to know what happened after she returned home.

Character Development:
I like Marissa and Dylan. I also liked how Marissa tries to work things out. You've also made her seem realisitiic. By that I mean you didn't just have her scared out of her brains or have show no fear. Great characters.

Maybe a bit more info on the beast

Structure:
Good

Tone/Voice:
Very good.

General:
This is really good. Nice idea. You might want to read over a little bit more, just for grammar's sake, but other than that it was good.

I like that you only hear from Marrisa's point of view, like a real diary.

Plot:
Honestly, it is a bit cliche and predictable (I knew it was probably her dad from the minute she said that he hated her).

Character Development:
I like Marrisa, she seems like a really strong character. She's not sitting around moping and being angsty about getting kidnapped. She acctually tries to do something about that. She's a very strong character.

You might want to add a more human side to the kiddnapper early on, it would be spectacular if you did that. Right now he just seems like a brute.

Structure:
This happens from day to day, maybe you could space that out a bit. If she was kidnapped she might not be allowed to write a lot.

Tone/Voice:
Very good.

sounds interesting i will make sure to find time to read it

i really like the sound of this i will definitely read

OMG!
This aounsa interesting!!!