Get right back from vacation plz

General:
WOW!!! It was so wicked!! please finish it !!! i luv it!!!

Plot:
The plot was really good. Your idea of a story is really good. Hope you can do a saga on it or something!!!

Character Development:
The character development was good too. You wrote some really discriptive words there.

Structure:
The structure was so good!!!
The chronology of the chapters were in the right place. It approves my approval

Tone/Voice:
The tone and voice was really good!! If someone was shouting, the lettering would be a big size and i was.

It's really good. I can't wait to read what's next

General:
it was amazing

Tone/Voice:
IT was awesome

do some more

that was really really good

that was really really

General:
This is an amazingly detailed excerpt.

Plot:
I am thinking about the plot, and I am already sucked into the story wanting and desiring to know what happens.  I think this will be a great story, once you develop it more.

Character Development:
Your character development is kind of vague.  I would like to know more about the expression on Den's face; I want to know about the mother's face.  More detail!  More detail! More detail!

Structure:
The structure of this is pretty basic.  You know kind of what happens next.  Try adding more twists and turns.  Don't make it so predictable.

Tone/Voice:
The voice of this story is very true and to the point.  I would love to see more dialogue in this.  If you put what the character is thinking it will create an even better voice.  Keep working at it.  The more dialogue the better.  BUT, don't put way too much.  Don't keep talking.  You don't want the story to get boring.  Over all:  You are an unpublished writer who is blossoming into an even better one.  Don't forget the detail and the dialogue.  Thanks for the wonderful glimpse of this story!

Where did OMGshutup's comment go?

i really l;iked that its realistic and true cant wait 4 the rest!

This is interesting but you could write a lot more about it. Go into detail. It's vague.

When you say your daughter will be able to relate to this, what did you mean, since this is about abuse?  :p

What a great future you have ahead of you, I will be reading the entire book as time permits, the storyline really has meaning for me and likely my young daughter will be able to relate really well to this!

Thank you so much for sharing!!

:~) Don

Wow, a gripping blurb. The sentences are short, adding to the abruptess of everything she feels happening. Like, it's so quick, and then it's over. One moment, her life is one way, and the next moment, it's totally changed. Look forward to reading.

I simply love this :) Your writing is amazing and good start. It makes me want to read more of this story.

General:
Important

Plot:
awesome story to say.. looking forward to revelation of unspoken emotions. Compelling!

Character Development:
This protagonist has profound truths to share. She has a multi-dimensional mind, because she has experienced a large spectrum of sensations.

Structure:
It will be the unraveling of a mind, soul, hopefully more than actions; I am thinking of the diaries of Anais Nin.

Tone/Voice:
Intimate, friendly, so that many girls can establish a relationship of trust with the author.

Plot:
This would be a great short story. I want to see some background. It is very compelling as-is, but if you add information after this action-filled and emotional beginning I think it would be somewhat more powerful. Have you tried it out as a test run yet?

Character Development:
The police officers were the smaller characters. They definitely uncovered a lot of the facts though, and let us, the readers, in on them.
The girl's mother could be viewed in one of two contexts. She could just be angry at the girl, or she could be abusive. I want more of her expressions and inner dilemma because I don't like to be the person that automatically thinks, "okay, that woman's crazy." In order to be taken seriously, this girl would have to seem mature. Here, she doesn't. She seems like a hot-blooded teenager. Many teens will be in love with this story just for that fact.

Structure:
The last three sentences are powerful. There's a finality to them that many authors can't perfect.

General:
That is how to begin a story. It felt like you were opening a door and I was being invited inside. I already know that I'm going to enjoy this read.

Character Development:
You're taking a common relationship, the relationship of a mother and child, and turning into something different. The reader can relate but there's something new that this specific relationship brings to the table. I want to know what is going to happen to the mother; more importantly I want to know what is happening to the main character.

Tone/Voice:
The writing is clean and strong. The words are carefully chosen and the sentences are carefully constructed. It's great to read a piece that has this kind of emotion jumping off the page.

General:
Wow. I'll tell you what. I don't read alot of books, but boy did this catch my attention. I think i'm actually going to read this.. it sounds way to good for me to pass.

Plot:
Uber plot. :D

Character Development:
This character to me seems as though many people can relate to her, and relation in books really grabs and holds on to the reader.

The blurb bit is brilliant, and makes me want to read on. :)
You have the readers hooked witht he first line, which is brill.

General:
It's very compelling, I would keep reading.

Character Development:
So far, this character is pretty compelling and a good narrator for the story.  She seems really strong.
I'd be interested in finding out more about the mother, not just as a character in relation to the main character, but as her own person.
Also, the mention of Den without any concept of revealing who he/she is makes for great suspense.

Structure:
Although I usually tend to prefer works in past tense than in present tense, this story is really powerful and needs to be told in present tense, and it works very well.  The first two sentences are a little awkward, though, and I think would work better just as:
"I hate you!"  My mother's face glows red...
and continue the rest of the line.
Also, you repeat the phrase "my cheek" twice right next to each other, and it would be more effective to replace either "cheek" with "face."

Tone/Voice:
I don't know how old she is supposed to be, but she doesn't feel like a teenager.  The switch from "my mother" to "Mom" and back to "my mother" may contribute to this--I refer to my mom as "my mother' only when I'm really mad at her, and then I don't call her "Mom" for a few days until we make up.  Her reaction could also be bigger to her mother's being taken away.  I understand the need for simplicity here, but I still think she would have some kind of reaction, whether it's relief, anger, worry, fear, joy, etc.  I have no idea how she feels about her mother, even though the first sentence is "I hate you."  If you "showed" more instead of just relying on the "tell" part to carry the story, it would come off as more convincing and powerful.

General:
This is just excellent.  Absolutely gorgeous.  Great choice for the picture, as well.

Plot:
The plot is compelling.  I want to read more.  I love how you toss us right into the story.

Structure:
Your diction is descriptive.  Your sytax is focused. The second sentence seems a bit awkard, and I think instead of "my cheek burns" , "It burns" would flow better.  And instead of "my mother", "her".  Maybe take out the fist And, and make it  just "Then Den"  Those are Just my suggestions. 

Tone/Voice:
The voice is strong and really gives us a sense of the speaker's character.

I loved your story. You should be proud.

It is a command.  :)

The title consists of a command because you are addressing "Mother", using the comma. If you are meaning a past tense like "She Hit Me", then it would be without the comma. The comma i very powerful. Just pointing that out because I'm not sure if you want it to be a command.

Sounds like an emotional story and I will get to reading.

General:
the story sounds intriguing enough but then again, I beg to think that its just one of those too many easily available novels out there which say that how teens have been exploited and how bad things happen etc etc. Somehow the opening sounds very very cliched. I know I hate to say this but something in this reading tells me that I will be very bored as I read this whole novel. And boring is the last thing you want to do to a person. Something about this page tells me that the story I must have heard once before and I will be immensely disappointed reading this. But then too I would like to say that i would give this book a go ahead in hopes that the writer can somehow make a new point here abd not be any more of those whiny undeserving teen novels written by the people these days.

Plot:
Cant comment anything.

Character Development:
The main protagonists nature as presented here tells us much about this person that she is not only a troubled defiant young teen but also someone who is troubled by her own sense of thinking. Afraid no doubt but also someone who is really really confused.

Structure:
nothing much to comment here. The structure looks decent

Tone/Voice:
no comments

Wow i'm going to read this it sounds really good :)

I especially like the way you lead the reader through the action.  This enables you to eliminate a good deal of unnecessary detail.  You're very good.

Dear To be honest,

I think yes u were a bit harsh b4. Sorry i misunderstood it as u trying to put her down. Im sooo sorry bout that...but hey i stick up for my friends....lol...sometimes too much. U r really mature to apologize. i like ur second comment better because it is saying the same thing but in a less harsh tone...it actually sounds like constructive critism. but b4 it just sounded like u were just trying to put her down. I do think it is alright to voice an opinion and i think ur second opinion did just that without hurting anyone.

Yours truly,

Lil miss...

i just read only the part i hate you, you hit me and i already think the story is brilliant!! and you are only 13 you are an amazing book writer!! when you are older you definitely gonna be famous!! nice job!!

I'm new to this but...
I love the plot as it's clear and concise all the time. It keeps you gripped and wanted to read more. When i added you as a friend i saw you were a top writer and i knew you were really good. But god your amazing! I'm 14 and i can't write nearly as well as you, you are seriously talented.
I love your the picture you used to it really suits the title and the story. I love you way you let the characters develop in their own way and how you make me want to read on and regret when it comes to an end.
I can't wait to read more of your stuff.
I honestly think you could be a writer seeing your this good now.
Ahhhh i don't want to stop talking cause your so good but i will now lol. i will be quiet and thanks for reading this comment if you did and sorry if i came across as mental

I am just giving my opinion. I am not saying you are a bad writer becaude for what... 13? YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER!! I would just like to say it is a very long book. Making it into two, not on here, but if you would like it published would be a great idea. I am definantly not telling you to stop writing, by all means please continue. Who am I to tell you to stop. I am never going to do that to someone who enjoys writing as much as you.

But I will say to all these people who are un happy with me. Get over it. I am going to voice my opinion and I could care less what you all think. Grow up and be mature. I was voicing an opinion. So grow up and get used to it. I was a little rude, and for that I apologize, I dont know what came over me. I should have never said what i did. But it is an opinion. I will allow you to voice your opinion also but I am also going to voice my own.

Happy writing, I hope you get this publshed. I also hope that you all who review aren't too rapped up with what others say. Stick to your own opinion. She is what matters. Not me.

Hi!!! My Name Is Skye, and I was looking for a good story on the teens menu, when I came accross yours. I was wondering, is this a real story? If so, is your mother still in jail? I don't mean to pry, but I was mearly curious.  If not, you are an excellent writer. So, I should  probobly go now, but I really look forward to your response. Oh, and how old are you? I 'm fourteen.


skye m.

Has hooked me.
I real read it when I can.
If you don't see comments from me. Please remind me with an email. I do get busy with my work and forget.

Very good start!  I believe the hardest part of starting a book, is deciding the first sentence, the first page even. And after that, the words just kind of flow like they've been inside of you all along. So you got the hardest part down, keep going with the flow!!

really good beginning

Please, do not not listen to horrible people like that. In my experience the most effective thing is just to ignore them. They run on other people's frustation with them. Just keep writing, obviously you love doing it, and should never let ANYONE keep you from doing what you love. As far as their comments about the length of the book, the world needs more long novels!! Every single amazing novel I have ever read, I have wanted it to be longer. So just keep writing as long as you want.

     Wow. This is actually a lot better than I expected and I think that this is the best thing I have ever read off of this website (allbeit I'm fairly new to it). Emotional, fresh and unique are some words that come to mind. The choice of adjectives is just fantastic in this soon to be novel (this is totally going to get published) and it is vividly described.
     I am glad that people your age (or I should say our age) are actually getting recognized for creative writing and I have to say that I'm kind of inspired that you have the conviction and attention span to keep working on this project.
     One small crit is that in the "I hate you, you hit me" portion it would be nice to see a bit more of her actual detailed thought. Also attention to the "little things" (Examples, dent in floor, maybe the mother has a loose hair?) is what adds a bit more of a punch. Right now its coming off a little bit like tunnel vision, if you know what I'm talking about.
     Overall, excellent, excellent, excellent. Keep it up :).

WTF???  have u read this?? it is soooo good. she will get published and when she does u will eat ur words. WHY DONT U SHUT UP??? how come she is a top webooker and ur a nobody she is only 13 and ur probably 58 with too much time on ur hands and stuck in a dead end job so u decided to crush someone else's dreams. F*** OFF!!! HOW COULD U!!! I BET UR JEALOUS...JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE"S THAT GOOD!!! oooo. i swear if i knew who u were..........I REALLY HATE PPL LIKE U! Now listen she's gonna keep writing and u f*** off or ill report u. if u dont want anymore "annoying updates" delete her as a friend ok????  LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE WANTS TO WRITE and thats why she is on a creative WRITING WEBSITE!!!!

Omy my effing god, what the hell is wrong with people?!?!?! people like ToBeHonest and whoever the hell OMGShutup is should go burn. If this story is what you love, then keep going with it. I don't see any problem with it. Keep writing girl, and don't let people like them get you down.

Honestly, i agree; cut this in half, and MAYBE it will get published. for real though, do you honestly think that this huge encyclopedia of a "book" will ever get published? with THIS economy? please, just get real. sorry, but i had to tell you, just so you don't annoy anymore people because frankly, you and this ----> annoys a lot.
I'm glad you enjoy writing, but just try new things and start another project. who knows, maybe it could become a saga or something?

i love this!! i just wish it was more happy!! keep going!

This is good and very moving. Keep writing, you have a talent!

Kewl

sounds good

Caught my attention im going to have to read it

Just from this excerpt I have a gruesome and vivid image of this scene. Very hooking.

This sounds promisingly interesting =P

I could feel her pain. it felt like i was there watching. Your really good. I'm going to read more.