This book is about a African American young female that had endured, sex , abuse, lies, incest, teen pregnancy, rap, being diagnosed bipolar and very bad judgement on men. This book deals with personal feelings, tragedies and family secrets that still havent been spoken upon. It's a dark, secretive look into my unstable life.
My mom eventually came and got me from my dads house. Even though it had felt like forever, I had only been gone for about a month. I was sad to leave my dad, but happy to be back home and see my mom and sister. Sometime around 8 or 9 I think I started having sexual feelings. I don't know why those feelings came at such a young age but it did. I've wondered if maybe I've seen something or something happened to me that I don't remember to have made me feel that way. The earliest sexual experience
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My mom eventually came and got me from my dads house. Even though it had felt like forever, I had only been gone for about a month. I was sad to leave my dad, but happy to be back home and see my mom and sister. Sometime around 8 or 9 I think I started having sexual feelings. I don't know why those feelings came at such a young age but it did. I've wondered if maybe I've seen something or something happened to me that I don't remember to have made me feel that way. The earliest sexual experience that I could remember is an incident that I have NEVER mentioned to anyone. I don't even know what to make of it or whether it was a sexual experience or not. When I was about seven I was at my dad's house. My dad and I were laying in the bed watching tv, when I can remember my dad getting on top of me, I think he tried to kiss me but I'm not sure. I can remember my dad instantly jumping off me. Nothing happened, nothing was ever said about the incident. It made me feel very uncomfortable at the time, I didn't know what that meant, but it never happened again and I never felt strange about my dad. Another early sexual experience I remember is when I was spending the night at my dad's house. I can recall taking Bump and getting in bed with him pulling out his penis and playing with it. I got on top of him and started grinding him, I don't know if I had a orgasm at 8 but I got a hot body rush. I don't think Bump liked it because he didn't do anything. I wanted him to touch me back and kiss on my neck. I was actually horny at the age eight. It made me feel weird and I didn't understand where it was coming from. I can also recall another incident when I was very young, being at a school sitting on the floor with some other kids. I moved into a corner with this boy and let the boy go under my skirt, stick his hands in my panties and touch my private. It felt good and I liked it.
My mom didn't have alot of boyfriends but the few she did have I didn't like. I do remember one boyfriend in particular, Neal. Neal thought he was the "karate man". He was skinny, ugly and had a curl. Neal had knumb chucks that he would swing around the air like his ass was really doing something. I hated when my mom would take me and my sister with her to his house. My mom and Neal would pratically be in the room the whole time and me and Denise would have to sit in the frontroom and watch tv. I absolutely hated it there and damn near knew what me and my sister was in for when we went there. I would hear moaning sounds coming from the room that made my stomach flip. There was a time we were spending the night by Neal's house. Neal and my mom thought my sister and I were sleep, but I wasn't. Neal brought his ugly ass out the room naked and went in the bathroom. I was furious, I didn't know what exactly was going on but I knew it was nasty and I knew it involved sex. See, my mom didn't think I knew anything about sex, but I did. I didn't know the deep down depths of sex, but I knew it involved a penis, vagina, being naked and of course moaning. Most of all I knew my mom was doing it right in the next room and I hated her for that. I remember hating the Micheal Jackson song "Thriller" for a long time. One reason is because I thought the song and video was scary. The other reason is because everytime we went to my moms new boyfriend house Charles. Charles stayed with his mom but his place was in the basement. It was like a frontroom area and a bedroom. My sister and I would have to sit in the frontroom while Charles pulled my mom in the bedroom. They thought with the music blasting we wouldn't be able to hear anything but we heard the moaning. It seems everytime we went there and Charles pulled my mom in the room, the song that was blasting on the radio was Thriller. I hated that song and I hated them.
When my mom talked about sex she had a very raw way of explaining it. She would explain it as, a nasty boy sticking his little penis in a girl. She made it seem as if it was something bad and nasty. I knew it couldn't be too bad she was doing it. When she was doing it she was moaning acted like she was enjoying it. She made it seem like it was a really awful thing, then turn right around and damn near do it in my face.
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7/27/2008 06:22 PM PT