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Project Leader:
lotrfan
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Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Short Story
Literary -
Language:
English
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Character Development:
brilliant i think it really shows your thought process and your outlook on everyone around you. the mood and tone was set from your first sentence. bravo.
brilliant i think it really shows your thought process and your outlook on everyone around you. the mood and tone was set from your first sentence. bravo.
This Feedback was...
General:
she never thought
Plot:
loise is a girl that never thought she couldbe famous but she dose
Character Development:
loise is a nice girl
gena is mean
Tone/Voice:
loise western voice
she never thought
Plot:
loise is a girl that never thought she couldbe famous but she dose
Character Development:
loise is a nice girl
gena is mean
Tone/Voice:
loise western voice
This Feedback was...
And then we laughed, well, I laughed that is; me and only me. Not Leo nor Freddie let out a small snicker even. I figured it was because Freddie wasn't really one to laugh at my jokes. And Leo? Let's just say Leo was keeping in act his usual distant attention, and I was not the special someone who was ever able to break him out of that trance--although I wanted to be. I was simply attempting to lighten the sulky mood that loomed in the air above us. That horrid cloud of dismal stature, which skated from wall to wall around the room with treacherous intensions.
"I'll scout ahead." With an eery muffling this sentence broke out of Freddie's mouth. He dashed away and into the grey nothingness in front of me, leaving behind silent and somber persons; Leo and me. I couldn't know why he was so quiet all the time. I could only hope it was not for his dislike of myself. I should have hated it to be that truth. But, unbeknownst to myself at the time, it was very much the contrary. Leo stood almost where I stood now, just a bit farther away. I felt of him moving closer to my place of putting, yet never saw his feet budge. Not once, did I.
Then, I heard things. Out of my senses I heard them brighter and bolder than I had ever heard a thing.
What Jane heard:
The clicking of leftover raindrops. Echoes of their breaths and throat-clearing. Faint, far-off footsteps of, what Jane guessed to be, Freddie's. Awkward thoughts plummeting to concrete and dirt floors beneath them. Also, she heard heartbeats.
Now, I am not one to fall for the bad boy, (although I have no reason to give Leo Redden the title of "Bad Boy," here it is), but right here right now, I could not help it. Shadows fell on his features in such a way that he looked nothing like himself; all the better. The less my eyes snagged themselves on Leo's, the more easily they could be pulled away from him. He now was even closer, I think, moving still and unnoticeably. Leo Redden was the brave one this time. He cut a deep, impish gash in the quietness when he spoke.
"I don't mean to be cross. Or rude," Leo's words slipped down and poured out on my shoes. "The reason I don't speak much is because I have nothing to say, not that I don't want to talk to you."
"I guess that's a good reason then?"
"Not good enough for you, though. I wish I could do more." How would one mix a passionate feeling with an emotionless one? Example one: Leo Redder.
"You've done enough," I did not intend for this to sound harsh, but it came out as just that. "I don't know what you have done, but its plenty, trust me." My arms crossed. I was not the one to cross them, however. This action was thanks to my frustration. I was mooded for a non-conversational evening, but Mr. Redder had other plans in mind. Now, at the moment I was ready to be in silence, I could not get Leo to shut up. He continued.
"I wanted to tell you, I'm not as evil as you imagine me."
"How much, then? If not that evil?"
"Not at all I mean. Not evil at all."
"I doubt that," I saw his calm stay calm. This time, he did not rise into anger at my remark. An unbelievable sense of comfort came from the gaze he presented me. That angered me though. I flew into an absolute rage, next. My head felt as if it were to burst open in seconds. I held it down in my hands before my eyes grew blurry. The last thing I remember is a jolt forward and a crashing sound. I blinked twice and awoke, standing in a shining room. No, it was the same place I was before, but light shone. The brightness came in from an immense break in the side of the warehouse, and a boy. It was Leo. His poor body laid motionless some fourteen feet outside the warehouse, beyond the large hole in the wall. My red shirt was torn on the sleeve and a black streak of rock powder, that I would not notice until later, was smeared in a line against my cheek. Auburn locks surrounded my face to the point that my hand swept them away and back.
"Did I do this?" A question with a daunting answer, I felt. Then, lumpy footsteps. Next, and after the sounding of steps, my ears caught hold of a distant voice, which called my name.
"Freddie?" This exclamation of mine existed for my thoughts only, and so I kept it and ran.
What to do? What to say? Oh, I could hear the puzzlement already. People asking, 'Where were you?' 'Why are you so filthy?' , and, 'Did you shove Leo Redder through the warehouse wall?' . I did not know what had just happened. As I dawned out of my surroundings and deep into my thoughts again, the thud of my feet treading on concrete, then grit, then puddle, soon phased out; becoming just a noise afar off. Dodging wooden crates left and right, I maneuvered myself into an undoubtable mess of twists and turns into the very middle of the large building. My panicked self reached a spot that looked purely open and long, but ended with a quick alley to the right. I jogged down between the skyscrapers of wood and nails and boxes until the narrow hallway's very cutoff. But awaiting me on the other edge of that box surprised me more than would have seeing an exit.
"God--!" A gasping breath of horror, amazement, wanting-to-learn-more-ness overcame me when I fit the face with the arms I had just run into. Leo, my Leo, stood firmly in my path, not so much as flinching at my collision with him. He looked down on me bitterly, and after a few seconds of my staring and attempt of leaking his name out of my lips, (stuttering when I tried), he clutched onto one of my arms and dragged me further down the path I had been heading. "Let go. It hurts...you're hurting me!" A poor girls useless struggle. Left out and unsuccessful by a lack of muscle and an abundance of his hand wrapped tightly about my forearm. Strangely though, I did not want his grip to loosen. Okay, perhaps it was a bit overbearing. But nonetheless, it was a groundbreaking point in our relationship, even if it was out of anger.
He only jerked me harder at my pulling away, causing a sharp stinging pain to go shooting up into my elbow. It finally seemed Leo had finished his dragging for he let me go with a slight push, which sent my backwards and slamming into the crate behind me. Leo braced his body by leaning both hands against the crates opposite me, and positioning his feet apart. His breathing sounded boisterous when it hit my ears. Almost as if he was doing it on purpose, yet he was not.
"I--," Tethered by fear, I stopped. "Did I hurt you?" What as stupid question. Did he look hurt? Not in the least bit. Although his clothes were a bit tattered and his hair ruffled and tossed, it was not his bones or flesh that appeared damaged; but rather his energy. How could I even be certain who was responsible for his injuries? I was not, I do not think. His heavy breaths ceased, evolving into slower ones, and finally turning into words. Now, as he faced me, the words came.
"It's starting, Jane." The single time in my life a person ever gave me chills with just three words. The third one was new.
"I can't even wrap my mind around you. You're too inauspicious for me, I think."
"You're thinking I'm yours? That's odd considering our strong dislike of one another, Jane."
"I'll scout ahead." With an eery muffling this sentence broke out of Freddie's mouth. He dashed away and into the grey nothingness in front of me, leaving behind silent and somber persons; Leo and me. I couldn't know why he was so quiet all the time. I could only hope it was not for his dislike of myself. I should have hated it to be that truth. But, unbeknownst to myself at the time, it was very much the contrary. Leo stood almost where I stood now, just a bit farther away. I felt of him moving closer to my place of putting, yet never saw his feet budge. Not once, did I.
Then, I heard things. Out of my senses I heard them brighter and bolder than I had ever heard a thing.
What Jane heard:
The clicking of leftover raindrops. Echoes of their breaths and throat-clearing. Faint, far-off footsteps of, what Jane guessed to be, Freddie's. Awkward thoughts plummeting to concrete and dirt floors beneath them. Also, she heard heartbeats.
Now, I am not one to fall for the bad boy, (although I have no reason to give Leo Redden the title of "Bad Boy," here it is), but right here right now, I could not help it. Shadows fell on his features in such a way that he looked nothing like himself; all the better. The less my eyes snagged themselves on Leo's, the more easily they could be pulled away from him. He now was even closer, I think, moving still and unnoticeably. Leo Redden was the brave one this time. He cut a deep, impish gash in the quietness when he spoke.
"I don't mean to be cross. Or rude," Leo's words slipped down and poured out on my shoes. "The reason I don't speak much is because I have nothing to say, not that I don't want to talk to you."
"I guess that's a good reason then?"
"Not good enough for you, though. I wish I could do more." How would one mix a passionate feeling with an emotionless one? Example one: Leo Redder.
"You've done enough," I did not intend for this to sound harsh, but it came out as just that. "I don't know what you have done, but its plenty, trust me." My arms crossed. I was not the one to cross them, however. This action was thanks to my frustration. I was mooded for a non-conversational evening, but Mr. Redder had other plans in mind. Now, at the moment I was ready to be in silence, I could not get Leo to shut up. He continued.
"I wanted to tell you, I'm not as evil as you imagine me."
"How much, then? If not that evil?"
"Not at all I mean. Not evil at all."
"I doubt that," I saw his calm stay calm. This time, he did not rise into anger at my remark. An unbelievable sense of comfort came from the gaze he presented me. That angered me though. I flew into an absolute rage, next. My head felt as if it were to burst open in seconds. I held it down in my hands before my eyes grew blurry. The last thing I remember is a jolt forward and a crashing sound. I blinked twice and awoke, standing in a shining room. No, it was the same place I was before, but light shone. The brightness came in from an immense break in the side of the warehouse, and a boy. It was Leo. His poor body laid motionless some fourteen feet outside the warehouse, beyond the large hole in the wall. My red shirt was torn on the sleeve and a black streak of rock powder, that I would not notice until later, was smeared in a line against my cheek. Auburn locks surrounded my face to the point that my hand swept them away and back.
"Did I do this?" A question with a daunting answer, I felt. Then, lumpy footsteps. Next, and after the sounding of steps, my ears caught hold of a distant voice, which called my name.
"Freddie?" This exclamation of mine existed for my thoughts only, and so I kept it and ran.
What to do? What to say? Oh, I could hear the puzzlement already. People asking, 'Where were you?' 'Why are you so filthy?' , and, 'Did you shove Leo Redder through the warehouse wall?' . I did not know what had just happened. As I dawned out of my surroundings and deep into my thoughts again, the thud of my feet treading on concrete, then grit, then puddle, soon phased out; becoming just a noise afar off. Dodging wooden crates left and right, I maneuvered myself into an undoubtable mess of twists and turns into the very middle of the large building. My panicked self reached a spot that looked purely open and long, but ended with a quick alley to the right. I jogged down between the skyscrapers of wood and nails and boxes until the narrow hallway's very cutoff. But awaiting me on the other edge of that box surprised me more than would have seeing an exit.
"God--!" A gasping breath of horror, amazement, wanting-to-learn-more-ness overcame me when I fit the face with the arms I had just run into. Leo, my Leo, stood firmly in my path, not so much as flinching at my collision with him. He looked down on me bitterly, and after a few seconds of my staring and attempt of leaking his name out of my lips, (stuttering when I tried), he clutched onto one of my arms and dragged me further down the path I had been heading. "Let go. It hurts...you're hurting me!" A poor girls useless struggle. Left out and unsuccessful by a lack of muscle and an abundance of his hand wrapped tightly about my forearm. Strangely though, I did not want his grip to loosen. Okay, perhaps it was a bit overbearing. But nonetheless, it was a groundbreaking point in our relationship, even if it was out of anger.
He only jerked me harder at my pulling away, causing a sharp stinging pain to go shooting up into my elbow. It finally seemed Leo had finished his dragging for he let me go with a slight push, which sent my backwards and slamming into the crate behind me. Leo braced his body by leaning both hands against the crates opposite me, and positioning his feet apart. His breathing sounded boisterous when it hit my ears. Almost as if he was doing it on purpose, yet he was not.
"I--," Tethered by fear, I stopped. "Did I hurt you?" What as stupid question. Did he look hurt? Not in the least bit. Although his clothes were a bit tattered and his hair ruffled and tossed, it was not his bones or flesh that appeared damaged; but rather his energy. How could I even be certain who was responsible for his injuries? I was not, I do not think. His heavy breaths ceased, evolving into slower ones, and finally turning into words. Now, as he faced me, the words came.
"It's starting, Jane." The single time in my life a person ever gave me chills with just three words. The third one was new.
"I can't even wrap my mind around you. You're too inauspicious for me, I think."
"You're thinking I'm yours? That's odd considering our strong dislike of one another, Jane."
This Feedback was...
I've read alot of these before, i thought them all entertaining and very, very creative!
This Feedback was...
It's a novel concept to focus on the actors behind a film.
It shows true creativity.
It shows true creativity.
This Feedback was...
I'M SO HAPPY, TO BE APART OF THIS GREAT PROJECT, LOOKING FORWARD TO GIVING IT MY TIME REAL SOON. LOVE WENNIEXXXHUGS
This Feedback was...
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