Nephilim,"Dark Son Rising" (THIS IS A REVISED EDDITION)

A Vampire story that finally gives the Vampire an origin. The third of possibly four books in this new and modern twist to the ever evolving stories and legend of one of the most famous of all creatures of the night, the Vampire.

Satan has created his dark son, to feed on Gods creation of man. He has built an army of demons and creatures to fullfill his mission of destroying man. Eventually, man figured out what was going on and has built their own army to fight these dark creatures. The hunters have been formed to fight this battle, through generations and generations of these hunters they have pushed the creatures back into hiding, back into the shadows where they came from. They have destroyed a good many of them, s ... more »

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nanashi10

9/4/2009 3:49 PM PDT

Paragraph = p; p 1, p 2 means paragraph 1 or 2
Sentence = s 1, same as above

p1, s1; God's possessive
p1, s4; and has built ... ( I think) it should be 'have built' as you are talking about a collective amount of people, not just one.
p1, s5 ; it would read better if you put in that humans have created he hunters. Like: ' The humans have bred hunters to fight their battles. Using many generations of these hunters, human's have pushed the demonic creatures back into hiding, into the shadows...
p1,s8; Hunters have destroyed a good many of the evil creatures, ...

P2; I'm sorry, I am unsure if Sir Fabian is a demon or a hunter. Sounds like it could be an interesting story.

Dipps

5/14/2009 10:17 AM PDT

This sounds very interesting. Nice way of putting the purpose of the existence of vampires. Very nice indeed.

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Angel24

4/3/2009 11:43 AM PDT

Thats so cool I am doing the same with mine!!

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clanofaxtel

3/22/2009 4:38 PM PDT

ok well, I have published this one on amazon.com, so wish me luck.

clanofaxtel

2/25/2009 12:57 PM PST

HOpe you enjoy the completion of it as much.

Melixar

2/25/2009 12:04 PM PST

No problem. I enjoyed it :-)

Melixarx

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clanofaxtel

2/25/2009 6:19 AM PST

Thank you so much. I appreciate the feed back and the corrections that must be made. Thank you.

Melixar

2/23/2009 1:52 PM PST

Personally, i rather liked it. I like the writing style you use, kind of old fasioned but descriptive at the same time, which sets the tone of your novel perfectly. I like the way your novel has a dark twist that was intriguing and nonetheless captivating.
      Although, i must point out that some of your sentances are grammatically incorrect, and there also are punctuational errors throughout, nothing unexpected and nothing that cannot be fixed.
   On the whole, a good novel. Nice work

   Melixarx

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clanofaxtel

2/23/2009 12:29 PM PST

Can some one give me some feed back on this project please. I would like some oppinions. thanx.