dear people

notes from a soul,

live life to the fullest, you only get 1 life and only 1 life. so do what your dreams tell you. sky dive, get the book, ask the girl/guy, ask for marriage, and live life to it's fullest!

"How was I supposed to know she was slowly lettin' go? If I was puttin' her through hell, hell, I couldn't tell. She could have given me a sign, opened up my eyes. How was I supposed to see? She never cried in front of me."

Dear Past,

For years, it's been the common thing, the fall back thing, the normal thing. The thing. It's what we do, me and you. We love, we break up, repeat. The love never leaves, it's there, we just don't always own up to it. It's my fault. I always end it. Or, ended, because I'm thinking this is the last time, and it really hurts me to say this. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say. I said it earlier, I got started on what I heard. What this is, right now, it's nothing but a contest, and you're sitting back and enjoying it. It's clear y'all have something going on, and y'all like each other, but we love each other, and that means more, at least to me. Lord knows what means most to you. I heard today that she kissed you yesterday. And that you don't know what you want. I know what I want, and I know what you want. We want the same thing. And we both know that, we know what we want. I guess you just "don't know" in the same sense that I used to "not know" what I wanted. It's sowrong how you're turning what I did back around on me, but I guess karma really bites. It's so not fair to have you sitting here toying with me, but I feel like I can't do or say anything to you because it's only payback for what I've done to you in years past, right? I can either take it and let you walk all over me, or leave it. Take it or leave it. Doormat or backbone. I've been a doormat for too long. It may not seem like much in comparison to what you've gone through for me, and in that regard I feel horrible for this. I've sat here and put up with this long enough, and you still can't see what you want, even though it's right here in front of you, begging for one more chance. You're toying with me, and I am not a toy. You do not get to toy with me, because this is so much more than just "I want back with my ex". This is real, and it's big. It's real big. It's life or death to me, and you don't know. It's a joke. You're toying, and I'm no toy. You're pushing me over, walking all over me, and I'm no doormat. I won't put up with this from anyone, not even you. I'm shutting the door. I'm calling it quits. And this time, I'm scared that I'm done forever, because you can't seem to make up your mind. I can't come back to this, so I'm done. What I'm doing here isn't because I want to. I'm choosing the lesser of two evils. This doesn't mean I'll be okay, it doesn't even mean I'll come out in one piece, but it is what I have to do, for me. I can either sit here in your game being forever broken and just blindly follow the love I've known for years, or I can give myself a chance for someone else who won't toy with me to love me, maybe more than what we ever had. I do not like the thought of us being through, because I just feel incomplete without you, but I still feel incomplete as you're sitting here ripping my heart out of my chest. I have to do what's best for me, and that's not hanging around waiting for you to make up your mind on some decision that you may not stick to. I'm sorry that I'm losing someone I've loved so dearly, and that I still do love, but I can't do this, I won't do this. I'm done, I'm finished, I'm through. This is the end, this is goodbye. But let me add this: No, I never cried in front of you. It's only a weakness in your eyes. I'm not weak. I'd told you time and time again what I wanted, and you chose to ignore it. I don't know how more blatant I could have been. Honestly, I don't think tears would have accomplished anything with you. I'm not weak. I'm being strong. That's why I'm gone. I've let go, and this is the final goodbye.

Goodbye, love.

 

"Oh, something tells me I'm never gonna live this one down."

Dear You,

Thank you. You have been here for me and helped me through some of the toughest times I've been through recently, here within the past two months, both somehow or another relating to other guys. I cannot thank you enough for all you have done for me. You are one of the people I hold near and dear to my heart. But I have a confession to make. When we first got talking, after my first "tragedy" that you helped me through, I thought it was a possibility that I liked you. I didn't want to say anything, or even admit it to myself, because I didn't want to run the possibility of it being a rebound, because those are never good. Rebounds only turn out bad, but I knew I had come across a good guy, someone I really wanted to stick around. So I ignored it, and I guess it sort of subsided, but then we started hanging out. Nothing big at all, just a little while here and there. I got good vibes. I really enjoy myself around you. You make me smile my big smile that makes my eyes go all squinty, and that's a rare smile. Because of times and things like these, I feel/felt as though those feelings I had at first are/were resurfacing. I'm sort of in mid-panick, because I'm not sure what you think or what I should do. I don't want to lose the friendship we have because of this, so I'm okay with ignoring it, if that's what best. But at this point in time, I'm not really sure what's best. I just cleared up a major issue I'd been battling on the inside, which is quite possibly a cause of the depression you really helped me through last night, so I don't think it would be smart to jump from one thing to another. I just thought I'd get that out in the open so I can stop hiding it and worrying about it to. You're someone I feel like I can tell whatever to, and you won't go all psycho on me. So here, now you know, and I feel better, and... It is what it is, I suppose. I'm not really sure what I want to do about it, but hey, it's not just my problem anymore.

Catch ya later.

 

"You changed my whole life. Don't know what you're doing to me with your love."

Dear Bby,

Where to begin with you, I do not know. I had no idea what to think when we first got to talking, but you're probably one of my best friends right now, you and SLT. I honestly do not know where I would be had we never met. You are definitely more than meets the eye, mister. By just looking at you, it would never occur to me that you are one of the most intelligent and thought-provoking people I may ever encounter. Some of the conversations we have completely blow my mind when I sit down and think about what it was we just talked about, like that 2012 jive =/. But not everything's life-and-death with you, either. You're someone I can completely be myself around no matter what, and I know you're gonna tell me you love me at the end of the day <3. I absolutely hate that you're so far away right now. I can't wait for you to come home so I can cook you dinner and prove that I have a right to have a big head, haha. (PS- I told my mom about that tonight, and she laughed really hard.) This is probably gonna be one of the happiest Christmases everrrr! You've got loadzz of snuggle time to catch up on, haha. Um, so I wrote this to get something off my chest, but I'm not so sure how to bring it up or what to say even if I did bring it up, so uh, I'll quite possibly talk to you about it later. I just don't feel comfortable throwing it around. It means a lot to me. But yeah, uh, I'm really happy you're in my life, you're the best ever, I love you forever, come home now. ;]

ily, bby <333.

wow... this is amazing

"You and your twisted words. Your help just hurts. You are not what I thought you were."

Dear Whoever,

This is really really difficult for me. It's not just difficult because this is a really touchy subject for me but also because I have no idea where to start. I have so many emotions about the whole situation. I'm sad, angry, relieved, hurt, betrayed, you name it. I never thought I would ever say this about a situation like this but I'm in pain. I find it so crazy how oblivious and downright insensitive you are to this pain too. I always knew you were clueless but my god are you this clueless? It's so obvious again how I feel and I can't believe you bluntly ignore it exactly like you did last time. Do you honestly think I'm fine? Do you honestly think that I'm okay? Well you are wrong. I'm not fucking alright. I'm not o-fucking-kay. I figured that you of all people would be able to figure that out. Even if I was okay with all of this, you still have no right to do the things you do and act the way you act. You had no reason to lie to me. When I ask for the truth, I want it. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know exactly why we were both wasting our time. The really sad thing is that you knew what was happening. I knew what was happening. You knew that I knew because I confronted you with the specific situation and you still did not have to decency to say it to my face. Do you know how much it hurts me that couldn't even be honest with me? We used to be so close. You know so much about me. You know how hard it is for me to trust someone. Because of you, I trust no one, not even myself. I don't talk to my mom about things; I don't tell my friends anything. I'm so scared that if I get too close to someone they are going to leave me. Just like you did. Every time I say that my heart re-breaks. I think it's so sad how you are acting. We were supposed to be friends right? This doesn't look like friends to me. I can't believe you seriously think she is being honest. She's not honest ever. She will never be honest. She is such a bitch and all she does is treat you like crap. But this isn't about her....or even you. This is about me. I've never felt so terrible about something that someone has done to me. I think what hurts me so much is that I put so much more that I ever thought i could put into us. I've never given a relationship almost everything I had until now. Clearly I chose the wrong time. You never tried. I think it was over before it even started. All you wanted was her and you used me because you knew you couldn't have her. I can't believe you would do that to me. That is the worst thing I have ever heard. Another thing that hurts is that I see the way she treats you and I know the way I treated you. Why would you ever chose someone who is manipulative and rude that treats you terribly over someone who treats you with respect and treats you like you are a human and not some inanimate  object that can just be drug around, kicked to the side, and disregarded until she gets bored again? You are flat out fucking stupid. I mean, honestly now! How dumb can you get? Oh and another thing......the last thing you said to me was that nothing was wrong. You--promised--me. YOU PROMISED ME! What the hell  man? You have royally fucked up my life and I wish I could change that but I can't. The really sad thing is that I will always be here for you. If you wanted "us" back, I would do it in a heartbeat. I miss you. I miss you a lot. A whole lot. No one has no IDEA how much I miss you sometimes. Sometimes thinking about it is just way too much. I miss us being crazy and having fun until god knows what time i the morning. I miss all of it. I want it back. I want one of my best friends back. I WANT YOU BACK! I'm of not having you in my life. I'm sick of us not talking. I wish we could work something out. I know you don't want that. So I guess that's something I just have to deal with.

I hate to say it....but I think I love you.

Elle <3

oh we think  alike. I had just started a project on this, but i think I will commit to your project.

I think that people should let out there feelings. Cause if they dont then all of those feelings will get filed up in you and then all of a sudden they will be tacken out on someone that they dont want to take it out on.
Kirtrina Lynn Jones

Damn it I fucked up again...why did you have to be there Friday night? I was starting to be over you. Now it's day 1 all fucking over again for me. I hate you. I love you. I hate me too for loving you and for not being able to just walk the fuck away! God help me to fucking walk away!!!!!!

MuzikMad: Thank you - I'm not alone.

Dearest Joe, I didn't mean what I said that last night we were together. I feel it is too late to apologize, but I have to. You were getting too serious and I'm not there yet. Can't we still write? Can't we still see each other when you come home on leave? Give me time to catch up with you emotionally.
You know I'll welcome your call, your letter.  Let's try anew. I care too much to lose you.

Your high school sweetheart

Sorry, *edit* ...Barbina!

Babina: oh my goodness!  Like reading my own thoughts...  Obviously, these emotions are *so* universal!

Ahlurrrvvveeee it! Brilliant, simply brilliant! :)

***ATTENTION***

People, people, people - the comments section is *NOT* the place to post your submissions. See that little button at the top that says "Start a New Article"? That's what your mouse should be aiming for.

Thank you.

Hey So called "Best Friend",
I see through you and i know you think i don't. It's hard for me to care when i catch you in lies and you still won't admit to them. My life is going pretty bad right now, and all you can think about  is using me to make yourself look good. Wow, thanks for your time. I think back on our friendship and realize its all just a big lie, but for some reason cannot get myself to completely call you out. You'd think after all this time, you'd have the respect to come clean yourself. I've got lots of people surrounding me but you are who i have chosen to spend most of my time with. I guess what i want to say is F#$@ you and your selfish ways. Remember when i skipped class for a whole week because you broke up with your boyfriend? Well you're back together now, and he hates me, for whatever reason. I've never even met him, you won't let me. Jealousy seems to be the root of most things, when it comes to you and your stealing of my ideas. Your art is so copied you aren't even creative. Every time you steal an idea of mine, i a little part of me dies, and you could care less, everyone else that doesn't matter loves it. The only two people who know where it really came from are in silent battle. If you could only understand my need for a true friend, i don't think you'd be so careless.

Hey Mom,

I know we never really got along, but I also know we loved each other. We said some things neither one of us meant, and I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I see know what you meant when you said that you can only appreciate the value of something in its absence. You were right, a lot more than I cared to admit. To be honest, I still think you're gonna come walking in through the door someday, I'm still in denial about the whole thing, and that's what really scares me, when it's actually going to dawn on me that you're gone for good. It always made you sad to know that I didn't believe in heaven, but I hope it's true, because I really want to see you mom. You were the only person I never knew who truly loved me, who loved me more than they loved their self. It hurts to know you're gone, and a lot of the time, the pain's scarcely bearable. I think about all those times you'd hold me tight and whisper things into my ear. You'd call me your lamb, your lion. No one says those things to me anymore. I just want to hold you one more time, just smell your hair, to feel your arms around my neck, just one more time. I remember all those times I was headed off to school, and you told me to hug and kiss you goodbye, and I'd just give you that awful look and keep on walking. And now, I'd give up the rest of my life just to hold you one more time. It's the worst feeling in the world mom, and it gets you rattling to your bones. Its like everything's lost its colors, and the world's all caving in. You want everything to stop, you want everything to just stop and wait for you to cope, but it doesn't. People still smile, people still laugh, and every time they do it's like a punch in the gut, but then you realize how insignificant and irrelevant you are, how even though your world comes crashing down, the real world keeps on spinning. All I ever wanted to say was that I love you mom. I love you and I'm sorry.

dear zach,

do you remember that afternoon we spent playing in the river? stacking rocks, smoking cigarettes, and playing the "what-if" game for hours? do you remember playing dominoes, fixing the record playing, and building that fire? it was, one of the best afternoons i've ever had.  i wish i could gauge what you're feeling, what you think about me, and if you ever think about me when i'm not there.  i wish i had more courage and strength to just plant a huge kiss on your lips one night.  i wish i was the girl you'd want me to be. and i know it sounds crazy, but i'd change everything about myself just to be with you.  and what's even crazier is, i don't think you'd want me too.  a part of me wishes you'd stumble upon this, and read it.  a part of me knows that you'll be my one greatest regret this year.  and the other part, just wishes i had the strength, courage, and confidence just to let you know how i really feel--that i think i could love you.

love,
xiomara

21 to 30 days to break a cycle, start a new habit, rid yourself of the old one. That is what they say anyway.

You are my habit. I need you and want you and miss you. It was easy yesterday. Today it hurts. It was good and right and felt like I was over you for just one day and I loved it. Today is different.

It's only been two weeks since we had any contact and 4 since we saw each other last. It feels like an eternity and it feels like just yesterday. I hate that I give you so much power of me, even when you aren't around.

I'm tricking myself into believing again that I can just be your friend without any of the other feelings getting in the way. I know deep down I'm wrong about this. I know I deserve better.

I want so much to call you and tell you how I feel...again. But it doesn't matter because you aren't capable of feeling that way too.

I've met someone new but he only reminds me that he isn't you. He's fun and a distraction to my existence without you in my life, but on some level, it doesn't feel right. I don't want to be with him. I want to be with you. Still I want to be with you.

Where are you? Do you even miss me? Is this as hard for you as it is for me? Would that make me feel better or worse knowing that. Have you actually moved on? Maybe you are dating and falling in love. I hope not. I want you to miss me so bad it hurts.  Or, I want to just get over you. Do I get to decide? Love doesn't always let us make rational decisions. It takes a lot of will power to overcome the desires that love puts out there, especially when they aren't in our best interest.

If I hadn't found this site to get this all out, perhaps I would be emailing you..making contact..starting the cycle all over again. But I'm not. And you know why? It's because I deserve better than you.

Right here, right now.. I'm choosing to take you off the pedestal. You are not a saint. You took advantage. You aren't perfect. You have so much growing to do. You aren't even close to being in the same place as me. Any relationship you attempt right now won't work out because of that.

This is NOT about me. Remember that (self) - this is fucking NOT about me. When I find myself thinking that if I only xxx.... then I shall get back on this site and write again. Write it out and spill it till I get back to a point of clarity - like I am right now. Not about me. It's not about me. I am good enough and this is fucking not about me.

Hey you,

I feel like you're doing it again.
what?
backing away
how?
by pushing away from those who care
and I just think to myself,
how could you dare?
when?
when you love them enough
that you think they might leave
when things just get tough
you forget what you need
why?
because you let your mistakes define who you are
eventough you know your past is a scar

just remember to breath before you let go
after a few breaths
you'll feel you strenght grow
hold on beautiful

who?
I

Dear  Self,

You are doing it - making it happen. Keep going. It will be so worth it in the end. Never give up. Always look forward and never look back. He's not worth it.

Me

Dear ------,

I know that you don't know me. I don't know you either--in any logical sense of the word. But there are things I know about you, things which penetrate my thoughts constantly. I've never spoken to you, but I know that you are lonely, perhaps even sad. I know that you feel invisible (you said so yourself). I know that you speak four languages.
Also, I like your hair.
I don't expect to ever know you, and I don't expect you to know me. We're both so shy. I simply want you to know that I am thinking about you. I often wonder at the infinite events which must occur outside of my consciousness. Here is one thing you may never have known. My hope is that it might make a small difference in your life to know that you are in my thoughts.
Truthfully,
The One with the Freckles

I won't lie...
I'm drunk.
But, oh my gosh, I love you.

Dear You,

     There's a lot of people out there have just as much pressure on them to do well as you do. Don't sweat it and stop being a baby. All of us know you're going to do the best you can and if you do worse than someone else, who gives a crap? It's all about how you feel anyway. Have confidence in your abilities for once. I would sit here like a good person and let you cry and whine on my shoulder but that's not going to help you face that problem square in the face and stare it down. So get off your miserable butt and do it. Sorry to be so blunt

I can't believe how miserable you make me. When I was with Ana, I tried...I really did. I gave as much as I could. She was so much fun! We talked for hours about nothing and be as ridiculous as we could fathom before becoming embarrassed and saying goodnight. The sex was good but merely satisfying. She said I love you and I said what I thought she wanted to hear. You prevented me from getting there. You fucking asshole. Honestly, I can barely stand you anymore. You lost your sense of humor. You have become an entirely different person. You allow yourself to be used. You smoke too much pot and don't do shit you lazy bastard. You have no self control.

You used to be so much fun to be. Now I'm trapped inside the hell you created, bitter lonely and cold. Maybe acid was a bad idea; 12 hours of fun for months of worry. I'm loosing friends you spent so long alienating away from me...now we sit with nothing interesting to say, not funny or cute anymore.

I wish we were closer. I had so much fun as you...now I'm a shell. Please come back, I miss being happy. You were the shit man! Now we're just mediocre together.

I wish I loved me nearly as much as I hated me. But that's just it...when you can't love it's just so easy to hate.

Hi.
I thought that maybe I could get everything out in the open. I dont know why but you're that person. The one that no matter what I could continuously come back to you and know that you'd be there. I cheated on a guy I liked with you. He had been my first relationship in like a year, and I hadnt talked to you in 3 months. And yet when I saw you, it happened. I talk to you and tell you everything and somehow end right back up at square one. It scares the crap out of me. I dont want this. I know there will probably never be that chance for us to actually be something more than the couple of hookups we've had over the time I've known you. You don't strike me as the sort of relationship type and I actually have a chance of moving on and dating someone who seems to really like me. But something stoping me. I hadn't talked to you in awhile and when I did it ended like it always does. I wish it hadnt but at the same time I enjoy it. It's the little piece of you that I have all to myself. The fact that I know you'll listen and that we'll end up together. But I dont want it. I dont want to be just that. I wish I could break this cycle. I wish I didnt do stupid shit like this and all the other mistakes Ive made.I want to end all of this and forget everything Ive ever done and start new. But I know that I wouldnt be able to forget all this to forget you. If I try and move on, I dont want this to end up the way the last one did. I wish I could tell you all this and maybe one day it'll come out when we're both really drunk and hopefully you wont remember cause I don't know what would happen and Im scared. Im so scared that everything would change. I feel like I cant do this but Ill try. Ill try my hardest to move on from you. But I want you to know that you're that person, its the point of this letter.
I just thought you should know,
Me.

Dear S,
Remember that incredibly awkward night? You know, where we sat on the wall by the library, and I told you how everyone thought we were dating, and that I liked you, and you said you liked me but you didn't want to date me because you didn't have the time? Yeah. And then you thanked me for not crying, and I wondered wildly for a second if it would have helped, if things would have changed if I'd given in to what I'd wanted to do and burst into tears.
And you wanted to know my thoughts on the matter. And my thoughts are, even though I know this could never work out, because I'll be moving to Lexington, and you want to go back to Kansas City, I still want it. And I don't understand why you kept pointing out your flaws. Duh! I know you have flaws! What about the night when I just totally flipped out in the library?! I was so sure you'd never want to talk to me again, but you did.
And then, after that night, you didn't talk to me for a week. And the entire time, I panicked every time I saw you. I deliberately chose seats in the cafeteria by myself, in hopes you would come sit with me. I talked to you, and you'd answer back, but you never initiated anything. And then, slowly, you started talking to me again. And I sent the text to you, "If I compliment you, will you stop talking to me again?" And you replied, "Don't be ridiculous." Did that make you understand? Because then you started talking to me again. And then I convinced you to go to the dance, and when they told the guys to pick a girl to be partners with, I saw you searching for me, and I saw you smile when you spotted me. And then you asked me to sit with you at dinner, despite the fact you were working, and there were two other security officers at the table, and one of them was Mark, and I knew you'd get teased about it later. And now we're almost back to where we were before, and I know this can't work out in the long run, and my mind is screaming at me, "Stop, don't do it, don't go any farther," but my heart is whispering "But you're not lonely anymore when you're with him," and somehow the whisper's as loud as the shout.
You asked me, on that awkward night, how I felt. And I couldn't tell you. I still can't, because the words don't come out of my mouth very well. I wish I had the courage to send this.
I don't know how I feel, to be honest. I guess I'm playing it by ear.
Love,
Kate

To the Aggies;
Thank you for making my life miserable. Thanks for ignoring me despite the fact that I was right there. Thanks for looking at me with contempt, just because I don't like cows like the rest of you do. Thanks for thinking I'm crazy/insane/a nut/a freak/a bitch/et cetera.
I'm serious about this. Because I thank God every day that I am not one of you. Yes, I am an animal science major. Yes, I work in the agriculture department. But I am NOT an aggie, and I cannot begin to express how thankful I am for that.

I am educated. I know you claim to be, that's why you're at college here, but I've graded your tests. Most of you can't spell the simplest of words. I've heard your conversations. When Georgia was invaded by Russia, I truly believe at least half of you were entirely unaware that yes, there is a whole COUNTRY called Georgia. I'm at college to learn. Which is why I'm taking the courses you look down upon me for: fiction writing, photography, clay, German, web site design. I'm here to expand my mind.

I'm fashionable. I wear clothing that does not consist of plaid shirts, jeans, big belt buckles, and cowboy boots that are funny colors and considered "cool" because they cost an insane amount. I can blend in with the rest of the world, while you stick out like the sore thumbs that you are.

I don't give a damn about John Deere, or whoever the big country singer of the moment is, or what corn prices on the Chicago Board of Trade are. I pay attention to things that have nothing to do with agriculture.

I don't listen to country music exclusively. I prefer Christian music. But I like to listen to a wide range. Ever heard of Queen? Avril Lavigne? The Fray? Plain White T's? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I used to hold such hatred and animosity towards you. But then I realized, I'm different, and I'm SO FREAKIN' THANKFUL for that. Because people around here don't like the aggies. And I can understand why.

So hate me all you want. Because - and I mean this honestly - I. Don't. Care.

I will do my own thing. I will walk my own path. I will be who I want to be. And you can't stop me.

Sincerely,
Kate

Dear You.
You told me the other day that I wanted you more than you wanted me. It was like a scene from a cheesy movie, walking through that meadow on a cold Sunday afternoon. I couldn't help but stare into the far distance and ponder whether this was actually true, and also how filled with animosity I was.
I want you, so much. Whenever I think about you I feel like I'm back on a Roller coaster with my stomach upside down and wind rushing through my hair. I know you want me too, you told me. 'I want you more than I want a tertiary education, and I want one of them badly.' I just wish you would stop telling me you love me, and start showing me you do.
I can't help singing 'Don't Look Back In Anger' and replacing Sally with your name. Soon, my close friend, it will be too late. I can't keep on putting off the requests of others just to keep waiting for yours.
That night at your house was amazing. I loved it. I loved it when you said 'We should be together.' The next morning you said we should hold tight. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I don't think i had ever felt so crap.
Thanks.
And at the same time, you make me feel the happiest I ever have done. You text me the other day when you got to Wales telling me how much you were missing me and it made me smile so much I heard my Auntie call it the Mona Lisa smile. I'm not bothered about anything or anyone anymore. I'm bothered about you.
I remember that day when I told you, in a nasty manner, you were annoying me. This turned out to be the worst thing I have ever done. As, in that week where you hated me,  everything went wrong. It was strange, really, how it happened like that. However, I knew at that time that I didn't want you to be my close friend anymore, but I wanted so much more... everything that you could give me.
I love you.

Iz
x

My Shadow,
I wish things hadn't had to escalate to the intensities they had before your demise.  I was first overjoyed to be rid of you, but in retrospect, I only felt remorse.  I hated you, and that's exactly what you wanted.  I won all the battles, but I lost the war.  My loving nature was overcome by your hatred, your absolute villainy, and I propelled you into a hellhole that you so utterly belong in.
I wish I had the wisdom to ignore your rants, your constant judgements of others.  Every single person, you had to find a flaw, and like a poison, a disease, a virus, you infected me with your thoughts of hatred and I saw from your perspective.  I thought it was wise to review your council, to take heed to the things you said, but I quickly became aggravated by your endless banter.
Soon, you tried to consume me, and make me like you.  It worked, at first.  I didn't know what to believe, that maybe this was me.  And then I realized I did not have to be subjected to your bullshit.  I cast you aside, but you still remained, infectious and ever-growing with your seething hatred for... everything.  When you tried again to take over my thoughts and feelings, I had no choice but to threaten to kick your ass.  I was such a fool to think that maybe I would be doing myself a favor by doing so, but it was not until recently that I realized you were just goading me, trying to get me out of my shell.  What a loss it was for you to win, for kick your ass indeed I did.
I write to you not because I want you back in my life, but to tell you again how strong you made me.  I realized, because of you, that I was the strongest enemy I would ever face.  You helped me to realize that I'm always in control of my emotions, and whether or not it was your intention, you most especially showed me the power of love and acceptance.  I wish I could have accepted you, but perhaps I would not be the same person I am today if I did not experience first-hand how it feels -- FEELS -- to hate, truly loathe and abhor something wicked and evil.
My dearest Brother, fuck you.  And yet, I love you.  And no matter how much you might hate to admit it, I know you love me too.

Um Hello.
Remember me? We both got trashed at that costume party over the summer and ended up making out and  . . . all night long. By the way, you were only the second person I ever made out with.

So, now that we're sober. Remember that dance we both went to. We hadn't talked since the party. You hadn't gone to a dance in three years and I hadn't planned to go to that dance at all. Remember how I asked if you wanted to go for a walk? Remember how we walked for two hours in the freezing cold? Remember how we held hands in your sleeves to keep warm? Remember that?

And then yesterday, haha yesterday. Remember how we flirted all night long? Remember how we saw that picture of us from the dance and I got embarrassed, and you made it even more embarrassing by pointing it out? Remember how you let me wear your hoodie because I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking after coming from a Halloween Party and freezing my ass off in tights? Remember how I put my number in your phone so that you would call me? Remember how I had made a sexual reference by saying I wanted my own thing and suggesting poker? Remember how you laughed because you didn't know how to play poker with just two people? Remember how much we smiled?

By the way, I really like you. I hope you remember to call.

Hello Friends (or whatever you are),
What has happened to us? The three of us, we have all changed, but why did we have to fall apart? Why did you have to go and cheat on your boyfriend? Why did you have to go and lead on her brother and then have sex with his best friend? Why did you have to start skipping school every day that the truancy officer ended up calling me? How come I was there for you ever step of the way, and now that things are becoming ok again, now that you are back in school, and have one boyfriend that you're not cheating on, now that you're not using our friend just for her house anymore, why did you have to forget about me? I was there. You know I was there, every step of the way. Now you just leave me behind, when I face challenges of my own? Thanks for that.

And YOU,
Yes SHE used you, yes she lead your brother on and ate your food and left. But I didn't. I stayed the night in your room while she slept with your brother. I was with you, and sat and talked with you about your worries and fears. I stayed for you, and for her, but I NEVER used you. I though we had become closer in those few months when our friend was lost then ever before. But then you had to go make a youtube video dissing me, saying I USED you, treated you like crap, and was a horrible person. How DARE you. And why change your name? Why are you pretending to be someone your not? I know you don't like who you are, but you cannot pretend to be someone else. I liked you as you were. Oh and about seventh grade, I hold it more against you now then I did then. Why didn't you stand up for me? Why did you take her side? You didn't even like her. I was standing up for your friend, and you choose their side, over your supposed best friends. I never forgave you for that. Because when it comes down to it, you will try and save your own face before anyone else. That is unless you get to destroy someone in the process. Like me. 

I love you both, even though neither of you seem to love or care for me. Even though I have been there through everything and you have never even given me a chance. I hope one day you realize what I did for you. Please don't take anyone else for granted.

Hey,
I understand why you didn't want to date me.  It wouldn't have been practical, given the circumstances; hell, it was down-right bleeding-heart romantic for me to ask you.  It was smart of you not to get involved with me, perhaps for your sake.
I don't understand my feelings for you.  In the past I irrationally fell head-over-heels in love for certain, special girls.  I still have the same delusions of our grandoise relationship, but I only really like you.  Which is new to me.
I'm glad we met each other at the time we did.  Before, I was dealing with very conflicting forces within myself that left me crippled, depressed, unsure.  Only recently did I realize that it was I, and only I, that could control these emotions.  You told me that you're not the kind of person that can just wake up and be happy, and it would please me greatly to impart upon you the knowledge that you can always be happy -- trust me, I know.
I felt like you had the impression that I was nice to you only because I wanted to be with you, which is absurd (the notion that I felt that way or that that was actually the case, I do not know).  The day of class when I looked over to you, smiling, I did not intentionally smile at you.  I was smiling before I glanced in your direction... but you smiled back, sheepishly, and my heart churned; it was serendipitous!
When I heard of your idea to trek across the states, my feelings for you overwhelmed me.  I hadn't even dreamed that I would meet someone so romantically adventurous as I.
I expend my energies every day hoping to reunite with you, if only for a few hours.  It would be great to have coffee with you, even though I hate coffee, and just... talk.  I want to ask you a question, but I know enough about women to know that it would not be wise in the slightest to.  I suppose this is the best place for me to ask it.  It seems to me that your predisposition to loathing marriage stemmed from your parents' separation, so how close, if we got close, could I get to you before you became afraid of replicating your parents?  I don't even want you to answer it, though I imagine, emotionally, that would be impossible for you.  I just want you to consider the implications...
I want to come home from a long day's work and embrace you and tell you I love you, but I have cried thinking you would never wish for this to be so.  I have cried because all I've ever wanted is to be loved, and I cried because all I want is to be loved by you.
Your friend,

You wanted to take my virginity on my sixteenth birthday, right after I had just met you. I said no but you took my first kiss, my first make out session, and I gave you head. For some reason I thought there was something more to you. I saw goodness in you even after others warned me. Finally I let you take my virginity too. Then I walked home in the rain at two o'clock in the morning realizing how bad the sex was and how I really had been just used. You stopped talking to me after that. You even got a girlfriend with the same name as me. I wonder if you ever think about what you could have done to me if I wasn't such a strong, naive person.

I still insisted a few times that I was there if you ever needed to talk. I liked our talks. You told me more then I'm sure you've told anyone. I'm still willing to listen.

Either way, thanks for the experience. Everything happens for a reason.

We were best friends for two years. You treated me like crap and when you were afraid I would leave you admitted it so I wouldn't go. I never said a bad thing about you. Yet I knew all the horrible things you did. You cheated on your girlfriend, you were a compulsive liar, you stole, you schemed, and you used me. But I would never use any of those things against you and you knew it. So you used me again and again, day after day, until I couldn't take it anymore. I left. And then you decided to play on my weakness. You knew my one fear and you tortured me with it. How could you? Then you stole my friend and replaced me with her. You fed her lies so that when I tried to warn her she ended up hating me and not believing a single word. Sad thing is, if you ever came back and apologized, truly, sincerely, apologized, I would forgive you. We wouldn't be friends again. We never could be. But you taught me so much through your abuse, you taught me to love myself enough that I knew how to get out.

You.
You left and I made the biggest mistake Ive made. And its screwed me up ever since. I wish you would have stayed. You could of prevented this. Now Im left with that deep nagging sense of shame that overwhelms and makes me go crazy when left to my thoughts. Im sorry. Im sorry that I let you get so under my skin, and the fact that I've let me get so pre-occupied and stupid

Dear James,
I love you?
We only spent a week together.  And then you flew back to England.  The night we met will always be one of my favorite memories, the details, however, are completely nonexistent considering we were both intoxicated out of our minds.  You were stumbling out of a bar, I was skipping down the street with my friend Melinda on a mission to go buy cigarettes.
You thought I was pretty, I was immediately drawn to your accent.  For some reason we thought it'd be a good idea to buy even more beer.  We went back to my place to drink it, but upon arrival the bedroom was the only thing on both of our minds.
I woke up in the morning before you did, and instead of feeling regretful, embarrassed, awkward, and unsure, I looked over at you snoring away and just laughed.
When you woke up, we actually talked, we actually cuddled, and something felt right.  Something felt genuine.  We traded numbers, and for the next seven days we spent every moment we could together.  I've never felt so passionate, so vulnerable, so complete.
We talked about how we felt about each other, if it was really love or what, neither of us had ever fallen so hard for another person.
A month ago you flew back to England, and with it you must've taken my vision and sex drive.  I can't even see other guys anymore.  Until you I've always been a free spirited, single girl who dated guys but never seriously, never wanted to be tied down.  Now when I'm approached by a guy, all I can think about is how he isn't you, and how happy I would be if you were here.
You went back to England when your visa expired without a cent in your pocket and have been working your ass off since you got there.
We talk almost everyday, and even though the phone bills haven't been cheap, you've managed to save up some money.
Enough money to fly back here to be with me.
I can hardly believe it, and can't wait to tell you exactly how I feel, in person, with no need for question marks.
With all my heart,
Sarah

ear Sandy,
    I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you, but I was completely baffled by your last email, that I needed to examine it again a few times in order to respond. Here is what I have come up with.
   You are so sorry about everything? You gave us one weeks notice to find a place to live. We ended up spending money that we couldn’t afford in order to get into a smaller place. We ended up having to get a moving truck to get our things from your home so that we didn’t have to spend 300 dollars in gas going back and forth. This was after you offered the services of your son-in-law, then came up with am excuse as to why he couldn’t help us. We had to borrow money from my grandfather, who could not afford to lend the money to us, but did anyway because he realized the immensity of what you did to us. We were very close to homelessness. When you spoke to Jenneffer, you asked her why we couldn’t stay where we were like they did. I told you the moment you reniged on our CONTRACT, that our room mate had sold the trailer only a week and a half after we told him we were moving. I know that you initial excuse of the neighbor’s complaints of the lease are bogus. I consulted on of the lawyers at my school and he said that, unless you knocked on his door and showed him the lease, he wouldn’t have known what it said. A lease is not filed with the city or county or anywhere else for that matter. I knew from the moment that your initial excuse changed, you were a liar. I should have never believed that you would help us get our things back from your house. I also do not for a moment believe that you are the least bit sorry for what you did. You got what you wanted and that is all that matters. I have been told by SEVERAL people, including the lawyer teacher I told you of, that I should sue you. That because of the lease, I had a case to get from you, all of the excess money I had to pay (especially the moving truck) to move to a different place in only a week. I wanted to sue you, but I would have to come up with more money to file a case, and unfortunately, I don’t have it. I can’t waste another dime on you.
   You said in your email how sorry you are, but in your next breath, you ask for your garage door opener. It’s a five sentence email and three of those sentences are about the opener. You don’t give a damn about us. I will get you back your opener. Don’t worry. But a real, caring person would have offered to reimburse us for the truck at least. Thanks for being so great. I hope no one else has the unfortunate chance to be your tenant.
   Let me know where to send your opener.
Aimée

I am so sick of bailing you out of situations. If I wasn’t so afraid of what might happen to the kids if I was not there to save them from you, I would just walk away. You have turned into the ex-husband who you left because you didn’t want your beautiful children to grow up in an environment that would harm them both mentally and physically beyond repair. You have become that person and I firmly believe that you have already scarred all four of your kids far more than you ex had. In three years, you have done more damage than he had in the 12 years you were married.
You really need to quit drinking. If that is too much to ask for, then you have to at least quit hiding it and lying about it. We are not stupid blind. We can smell your breath across the room.
You should not be marrying Michael. At least not at this time. He does not deserve to have to deal with how you treat him while you are drinking. You have used him for you own financial stability and he still loves you. He knows that you are still sleeping with your ex, yet he hopes that you will someday be faithful to him. You have exactly 2 weeks until you marry him and you have yet to show your love for him.
I hope you love him and I hope that you choose your family and your new life over your ex, drugs, liquor and all the bad that has tainted your home.
Aimée

Dear S,
I have no idea why, after all these years, I still care enough about what you think about me to even be writing this letter to you. Apparently though, your opinion of me still irritates and hurts me and after all this time, because I am so sick of the pain and sadness you cause me, I have to set you straight.  I need this all to end. From this point on, I will not allow myself to care what you think about me. You have no idea who I am or what kind of woman I have become. You talk about “class” like you are the Grand Duchess of classiness, when in all actuality; I have more “class” than your whole family combined.
            S, from day one, you have thought me without class for three reasons that I can pick up on: (and from what H says) Because I am fat, because I am poor, and because I am a “bad influence” on your precious daughters. Let me address these issues.
            Yes, I am fat. I have always been fat and I will always be fat. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). One of it’s main symptoms is SEVERE OBESITY. Look it up and educate yourself. Thank you for making my already low self-esteem that much lower and helping me to continue to hate myself as you ridiculed how I looked, and in effect, forcing me to never be satisfied with who I was. I never felt as bad about myself than after I met you. I have finally realized that being fat does not make me a bad person or a lower class citizen like you ALWAYS made me feel.
            Yes, I am poor. So fucking what. I am happy, my bills are paid (for the most part), I have the basic necessities of life: clothing, food and shelter. Having the newest fashions or the best car or the biggest house doesn’t matter to me. Those things do not make me who I am. If you believe that those things make a person, or defines who they are, then you’re not much of a person yourself. I make me who I am. My actions and deeds and the fact that I am a good, honest, relatively wholesome and intelligent woman makes me who I am. I am finally learning to be proud of me and the small accomplishments I have made in my life. I am proud that I have kids who look up to me and tell me they want to be like me regardless of my weight or the fact that I am and probably always will be dirt poor. I am a responsible and respectful person who many people count on for love, advice and my seemingly never endless supply of time. I try to be there for everyone. I never go back on my word and I ALWAYS apologize (in person whenever possible) for my wrongs. Money, or the lack thereof, does not matter to me.
            As for my being a “bad influence” on your daughters, what a joke. Yes, I was a total brat when I was younger, and I didn’t always make the greatest of choices, but I was never the leader of the pack.
J has been a perpetual liar and thief since we were in junior high. She’s a slut who has her legs open for just about any pretty face who comes her way. She, until this last job, has been unable to hold meaningful employment that doesn’t land her in court. She doesn’t pay for her own car, car repairs or even her own drivers license renewal. You do it for her and she’s 26! For God’s sake, when will she ever grow up?
H is the person who got me into the most trouble as I was growing up. It is with her that I first lied to get out of my house, snuck out, made prank phone calls, skipped school an did my general sneaking around. I was a good student until I met her. When I moved away, my grades shot back up. She would blame me for the astonishing amount of money she would spend, always telling you that I would pay her back for concerts and trips that were her way of buying my friendship back after she did something to make me mad. I don’t know where she got the idea that she needed to buy ones friendship. And I would have never taken concert tickets or trips if I had known that they were supposed to be paid back. My parents taught me not to take anything on loan that I didn’t know full well that I could pay back. I would never have been able to do so. Also, if she had told me that these things were loans, then why did she continue to buy me things and take me on trips when she hadn’t received a dime from me? H had sex with her best friend’s husband., lost her car, home and almost her husband. (I can’t believe how stupid he is to stay with her after all the times she has cheated on him, lied to him and stolen his money that was meant to pay bills.) She is a adulteress and a liar. She is manipulative and shallow. And to top it all off, she stalks ex-American Idol contestants. Like J, she can’t seem to hold down a real job and she gets arrested for domestic violence. I have to say that I really enjoyed learning that little tidbit of information. She also had the chance to have her college paid for and she never even finished. What I would give for that opportunity. She can’t even seem to live without J. She has to follow her everywhere in life. She couldn’t even take a math class without J. And she dropped out as soon as J did.
I have been happily married for six and a half years, I have helped raise my nieces and nephew, I am an “Aunt” to several children who I am not even related to because their parents trust and love me enough to be a big part of their kids lives. I may not be able to go on a fancy vacation or buy loads of big presents, but dinner and movie night at my house is just as enjoyable for myself and my friends.
Don’t you dare begin to blame me, even in part for what J did. I had no part in it and even managed to lose her friendship for a short time because I wouldn’t quit harping on her for what it was I saw. Sadly, in trying to help her, I even had part in the trouble she is in today while trying to help her. I am always there for my friends, even if they don’t like what I have to say. Your children, however, go back on their word, lie, cheat and even steal in order to get what they want. Remember that the next time you think that someone has no class.
Like I said, I am no longer concerning myself with what you think. I can not burden myself with your ignorant opinions. I know I am a good person, I know I have worth on many levels. Can being beautiful, rich and skinny sustain you for the rest of your life? If not, what will you have to fall back on?
  
With Deepest Sympathy
For Your Shallow Life,
Aimée

Dear Jamie,
 
            I never intended on writing this letter. I am only writing it now because I feel I have to.
 
            I trusted you. I let you baptize me. You had me move into your home, initially without my parent’s knowledge. You were supposed to save me, to keep me safe from others and from myself. A girl is supposed to look up to her minister. She’s supposed to look at him and fell the love of Christ. When he speaks, she’s supposed to hear words that God has given him to be of help and of service. I know that ministers are only men. You made that abundantly clear to me. (I suppose you were already making excuses even then.) But ministers are not supposed to be what nightmares are made of. I used to have nightmares of you all the time: Nightmares where you are touching me when I lived in your basement. I would wake up terrified. Now, you are only in my nightmares occasionally and in far subtler ways.
 
            I have to ask you why. Why did you choose me to touch and to make you sexual toy? You had a wife, and I can only assume from what Lydia said to me, that you were having sex with her. I know I wasn’t an innocent virginal saint, but I was still young and scared and trying to change my ways. I was too young to be sexually active with normal kids my own age, what in God’s name did you think you were doing when you were man handling my breasts all the while telling me to keep quiet. You were not only an adult who knew better, but you were a man of God who I could not refuse. You were the supposed saver of my eternal soul. How could I push your huge hands away from me?
 
            You kept telling me how it was okay, and because of who you were, this extraordinary man of God, who knew everything about me, all of my deepest secrets that I had shared with you, I thought maybe this is what’s supposed to happen. I was supposed to believe you, trust you, be led by you. The only place you led me was to your private fantasies. What was pleasure to you was sheer torture to me. Every day I had to see you and act as if everything was normal, act as though everything was okay. But it wasn’t. I was dying inside. I was carrying around a secret that weighed so heavily on me that some mornings I couldn’t get out of bed. I finally told my friend Ericka. She told me that I had to tell someone, so I told Lydia. Little did I know that she was totally in love with you This is when she told me several things that leads me to believe that you were sleeping with her. She was so mad at me. She didn’t believe that you would ever touch a tart like me. So, she told Michelle and Dora, then you. You acted as though I was a demon. “How could you?” you kept repeating. How could I make up such an awful story? I couldn’t believe I was actually hearing this from you. I trusted you and you made me into a liar!! Do you remember what you said to me when you got me alone? You told me that no one would believe a slutty girl over a man of God who every parent loved and trusted. I tried. I left your home and told Tom McNerney. When I was told that there was no basis for my claims and that nothing would be done. I felt lost and ruined. I thought that maybe I deserved it. For years I kept this secret shame inside. When I was 21. I told my mom about you and what happened. It was after a suicide attempt. My mother asked me why I was so unhappy, so I told her everything, from how it started as backrubs in the basement, then to lay down massages. Finally how you asked if you could touch and fondle my breasts. I told her how it all had to kept a secret and that I had thought that I was in love with you. After all, isn’t that what you do with someone you’re in love with. I told her how I thought that I deserved what happened because I didn’t say no, because I couldn’t push away a man of God. Even when I told you that I didn’t feel right about it, you insisted that it was okay. She was so angry. She wanted to kill you. She told me to report you. I couldn’t. I was an adult, so my mom couldn’t do it for me either, only I could come forward. Do you want to know why I never came forward? Because I was so afraid that, like before, no one would believe me, because you made me believe that it was my fault, so instead of telling, I buried it all deep inside. Then, the day I dreaded came.  On November 6th, 2003, the Algonac Police called me. How they got my name and number, I had no idea. They had to ask me about a claim I made about you several years prior to one Thomas McNerney. That could only mean one thing. You did it again. How could you? How sick are you really? You took advantage of other girls and were being investigated for criminal sexual conduct in the 2nd degree. (Yes, I began schooling for law after this) I couldn’t believe it. I had hoped that what happened to me was an isolated issue. I was certainly wrong about that. Like me, according to the police, your new victims were promiscuous girls just over the age of consent. You used your position as a youth minister to make them submit to you. Because of the parents who loved you and knew no differently that you were this amazing and charismatic minister, it seems as though the girls were so punished by the parents because they were “dirty whores” and so they changes their stories. At first I was mad at the parents for their irrational behavior. But now that I am older, I understand. In my head, there are two Jamie Perrys. The one is the wonderful youth minister who taught me so much. The other is the monster that you really are. These parents knew no better.
 
            You got away with it. Good for you. I know that you will pay for your sins in the next world. God won’t let you go.
 
            I am finally healing. It has taken years and thousands of dollars worth of therapy. I wanted to let you know that I will no longer be your victim.
 
            I know you are working at the Bharatiya Temple in Troy. I keep an eye on you. I am not, by far, the only one. Keep your nose clean and keep your hands to yourself. You have a wife to take out your urges on.

Dear Future In-Laws,
        I know you probably thought that you would never hear from me again, but I wanted you to know that you haven't gotten rid of me. You need to know that regardless of the fact that you don't seem to like me (thanks for lying to me about that for the past year btw...) your son loves me. I bet you thought that you had won because he broke up with me and moved home, but you were wrong. Even though he hasn't found the right way to tell you that we still want to be together and that you have to try harder to accept me, I know that this is what he wants.
        I'm not sure what it is about me that you don't like. Is it because I am white? That I'm not Hindu? That you just don't think I'm the right one for your only son? I have tried so hard to be accepted into your family. I have gone to family gatherings, birthdays, weddings, and religious events in family homes and at the mandir. DId I do something wrong? Or not do something I should have? Why can't you just face facts and accept me based on your son's love for me. Obviously he knows me better than you ever will and knows enough to see that I'm the person he wants to spend his life with.
        Ultimately, you are the ones making a mistake. By not accepting the woman he loves, you are alienating your son. He doesn't tell you where he goes when he comes to see me, or he lies about it. He feels as though you don't listen to him where I am concerned and that his voice is overruled by your ignorance of our connection. I hate to see my Love so conflicted and feeling so helpless where his own future is concerned.
        I love your son with all of my heart and I would hate to have him choose between me and you because he would lose his family. I want to be like another daughter to you, but you are making everything a lot more difficult than it needs to be. Please learn to accept me, because down the road, I want you to be a part of your grandchildren's lives. I don't want to be the woman who steals your son away from you, but I won't let you take him from me either.

Please come to your senses,
Your Future Daughter-In-Law

Dear Kurt,
Boy, if you knew how much I loved you.  You would freak.  Obsessed would be a good word for it.  You are so un-godly attractive.  And oh, so charming.  My heart melts every time you say "I love you" to me.  If only you didn't have a girl friend.  Maybe for some, unrelated-to-me reason you two could break up.  That would just be the bees knees.  I wouldn't want you to break up on my behalf.  I'd feel terrible.  But to be with you would be absolutely amazing.  It makes my heart flutter every time we make eyes from across the room.  And when we sit together, we gravitate towards each other until some how, our faces are just inches apart as we turn to say something to the other.  The first time I played with your hair, my heart beat so fast it scared me.  I think my temperature actually rose.  I can't stop thinking of you.  I imagine every possible scenario of us together.  I can't stop talking about you.  My friends are all sick of it by now.  Why do you torment me?  You act as though I'm special to you, and yet I know you don't love me like you do your girl friend.  Do you treat all girls this way, or just me?  Do you tell every girl how hot or cute she looks when you see her and give her hugs that just don't let go and do you whisper in her ear that she's such a good friend?  Or just me?  Does your girl friend know?  Do you think of her when we're together?  I wish I could tell you to leave me alone.  Stop being so sweet to me.  Giving me hope.  It would be good for me.  Maybe then I could forget you.  But I don't want you to leave me alone.  I love when you smile and wink at me when we catch each other staring.  I love when you take me to lunch.  I love when you skip class with me just to go get coffee.  Please don't stop.  I love you.
Love,
Ann

Tricia,
YOU ABONDENDED ME BECAUSE YOU ARE SELFISH.
YOU WERE A MOM FOR LESS THAT SIX FUCKING YEARS.
What the hell am I going to tell my children? Oh yeah, your grandma hates you because all she wants to do is drown herself in substances. YOU MADE ME MISERABLE FOR FUCKING YEARS. YEARS. NEVER EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN. NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN. I have good women roll models now. No thanks to you. Oh yeah, you should stop worring Grandma Shirley. She is an amazing woman. She gave alot for you and your dumbass brother yet, you tear her apart. I would love to slap you. No wait, I would love to see you in jail. Maybe dad can work that out. You haven't ever paid child support. Meagan doesn't like you either. You make me cry. She loves me and hates to see me hurt. OH, AND THANKS FOR MY FUCKING DEPRESSION YOU CUNT.
-Brittney

Josh,
I wish I didn't think about you everyday. Was it love? Was it just all physical necessity? After over six months and a summer filled with depression , I still think about you. I know Sarah likes you and wishes you two would have happened. Josh, know that you want it too. It hurts. More than anything, you taught me quite a few things. Never give 110% in a relationship,sex is not the reason people get together,and well...never fall for someone that is good friends with your bestie.  I feel different now. I know you hate me now because I acted like a bitch after we broke up. There were reasons. I can't go on the next day and act like I am fine. There are too many pathetic girls that cry and cry. Besides, I don't think you would like me anymore. Being 20 is something I look forward to. Many say that I act older. You would probably hate that. Well, goodbye to you.
Oh, I hope you have fun with those boring good girls.

Dear God,

YES.

My Love,
You have changed my life as much as I have changed yours!  Never before did I ever think that I could find someone who would understand me and love me like I loved them until YOU! With you everything I do naturally is appreciated I don't think about it I just am able to be who I am and it works. The distance that we find between us will hopefully be bridged soon and we can walk across it to our hearts content. Your my LOVE, my SOUL MATE, my MISSING HALF, and I thank god everyday for having the oppurtunity to love you. 
Love Always and Forever,
Your Little One

My little one,
    You have changed my life, You have opened my eyes to what I have been missing. I didn't know that I could be this happy. I didn't know that life could be this perfect. Thank you for being you, thank you for just being.  I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!  LYMYNYWY.
Yours forever,
Me

Dear Linsy,
I love you. In the event that you should find this... I don't care. I still love you. Everything felt so right when we were dating... even though there were complications, it felt worth it. I'm sorry I made such a stupid mistake. I'm sorry I broke your heart.
We could have been something great, you know. We could have worked it all out and lived that fairy tale that you wanted oh so much. And I had to ruin it with my doubts... I can't believe some of the things I've done. But Linsy, I still love you. And despite being with her right now... my heart holds a rather large spot for you. It always will; I know it.
I don't know what else to say. I hope things can be better in the future. I'm glad we still talk, but behind every word is another left unsaid. That breaks my heart, and I know it does yours. One day... there's this song by Interpol that rings in my head called "The New"... I like to listen to it to remind me of you. That's silly, isn't it?

xx

Dear Brett,
I really like you. I really, really do. Every time I see you, I just want to run up to you and give you a huge hug. I know that you don't like me like that. You probably don't even know who the heck I am. But I want to be able to work things out so that we can be more than just friends.
Oh I really wish that you liked me the way that I like you. I look at your picture every day, wishing and hoping that we could be together. From the very moment I saw you, I knew that you would always leave a little part of yourself inside my heart but little did I know that, that little part would develop into something so big. I can't help but feel selfish because all I want is you and nobody else. Every time someone comes up to me, hoping that I can be theirs, I turn them down. I turn them down for you, Brett. I wish that you would do the same for me.
 You don't have to let her get in the way. I promise I won't let anybody steal you once your mine. Nothing will get in our way, we will be together forever.  You are with her more than anyone else in this world. Why oh why can’t she be me? What does she have that I don’t? Can’t you see my stress here?
No, of course you can’t see my stress; you don’t even know me. Next year, you and she will see. You will see ME. You will see who I really am. I want you more than anyone, Brett. I’ve tried to see other people, the people that I never turned down. Those people, who I thought I liked, are all jerks. Please, can’t you at least give me a chance?

Sincerely, a friend

Awesome idea! I really like it!

Dear myself,
I look at you every day in the mirror. You may think its totally stupid that i am sending a letter to you, but actually i dont give a damp. Just let me tell you how i feel. Maybe you can even relate to it.
I am angry, angry with my whole life,
angry at my guts,i hate my guts!!!!
Angry at the thought of making every leaving soul hell.
im not evil.Though every single thing tries to prick me to know how far i can go how far i can stand.......srew you and your constant bla bla bla.
I know you dont care, as a matter of fact i know you will not read it but, you will just have to face reality because after all we are the same, let me tell you better we are one. How i feel is how you feel. So at least, let us get on well with one another.
After all is you the only one i have, maybe the only one i will never had.
Let me tell you that my tears feel really heavy, so im wiping them with the tissue that is in the envelope.

PS: May life make you realize that i love you as much as i hate you

Dear Mom and Dad,

You have raised me with a solid set of values with which I can face the world and brave through any hardships in my path.  You made sure I remembered my heritage and remained fluent in the language of our people.  You were able to triumph over the poverty and cultural gap that bore down on our family when we arrived here.  You showed me how to be strong.  That is why this is so hard.

I may embrace most of the traditions you hold and you accept my life as an artist.  But I can't bring myself to let you into my world as much anymore.  It frightens you to think that I may drink and smoke.  Last Christmas I told you I've smoked cigarettes before and you were so disappointed in me.  I couldn't imagine telling you about the weed.  You think that homosexuals are unnatural and disgusting.  I could never tell you about the girls I've kissed or my biggest crush in high school.

I think it's the distance that makes things easier.  You never have to find out that I'm not a virgin until I get married.  You don't need to see my collection of pipes and bongs.  I can keep the vices from you.  You don't need to deal with the worry it would cause.  You have more important things to deal with like your business or helping with charities and tackling family issues.  I don't ever have to tell you.  Besides, most of it is probably just a phase.  But I want you to someday be a part of my life.  That is a part of our tradition, isn't it?  I want to honour you and respect our family.  I want to celebrate moon festivals with you. 

All I can say is that I hope that someday you won't be heartbroken by the simple things I do, because I don't find them wrong.  I hope someday to invite you to my home that I share with my long term boyfriend and that you won't be appalled by the fact that we live together at all.  I hope that you won't be too disappointed if I don't have children or if I choose to adopt.  I hope that you can be proud of how well I've learned to cook, sew and build my own tattoo gun.  One day, I hope you can see me for who I am and accept me.  I hope I'll have the courage to show you.

  M,
        I miss you, I love you. But I think Im going to try my hardest to forget you.

Dad,
I don't know anyone else whose dad tried to introduce them to his mistress as a surprise.  It was three days after Christmas last year.  It was a very unpleasant surprise because I had been looking forward to going to the casino with you and your friends and eating crab legs at the buffet, then I looked up from registering for the player's card and there she was. 

I was surprised that you could find someone that attractive who wouldn't care that you plan to remain married to my mom.  It was bad enough when you told me all about your affair when I first arrived home for Christmas but after the surprise introduction I haven't really thought of you the same way since.  I thought the best thing to do was to ask to leave immediately and at least you brought me home.  Mom was furious.

Since then you keep going on about how you and your mistress think the Bible says that your philandering is ok, it is "love" and Jesus would understand and even approve.  You say you two like to pray together.  You continue to teach Sunday School and though you rubbed it in your family's face I don't see you telling the people at church or your friends.  If you really think you are being a good Christian by having an affair, which you keep telling me and Mom, then why do you hide it from everyone else.

The Easter card you sent me with a bible verse made me want to puke and I trashed it.  I had stopped going to Church a while ago but talking to you leaves me with the desire never to return.  Religion has nothing to do with being a good person.

The thing that bothers me the most is that in your manner of rationalizing the affair and even believing it to make you a good christian and acting in God's love, I recognize the same distorted thinking patterns you used to justify your behavior when you abused me as I was growing up.  You always said you did it out of love and if you were guilty of anything it was loving me too much.

Well I will keep being polite to you keeping you at arm's length and I will probably never say anything like this to you because it would not make a damn bit of difference.

Sincerely,

Your daughter.

...

Hey Aaron.
Thanks for being so sweet and nice & perfect.
I was really looking forward to getting to know you better & cuddling & kissing. until your pregnant girlfriend called me.
Thanks for helping me remeber not to trust anyone. I won't forget.

Dear boy,

The way you look at me makes my heart beat faster, makes me feel light, like I could fly away. So you can only imagine what I felt like after you kissed me the exact way I have always wanted to be kissed. It may not have been our very first kiss, but it was the kiss that I had been anticipating for weeks. You literally left me speechless and dizzy. Fuck getting high. You're where it's at. You give me all the feelings that I've been  dying to experience again and even some new ones. You just absolutely do it for me. I want to be the person you think of when you listen to silly pop-punk songs about holding hands and falling for someone, 'cause when I'm listening to them, you're the warm feeling I get. Maybe it's lame that I wrote this letter you'll never read. Maybe it's awful and everyone who reads it will think I'm dumb. But I don't care. I wonder when the last time anybody else couldn't get their faces to do anything but smile.

J,

Running up and down those steep stairs with you, V and E drunk off my ass was, if not the best night ever, then at least the most fulfilling because in the end I got to jump you in the guest bedroom. By what I can remember. An action perhaps uncouth for a young lady but I was never one to much listen to society's gender-based rules. Just look at me four years ago, and you will find a girl in sweatpants and white t-shirts with little to no regard to looking good.

Now that I'm pretty, I don't feel like I am obligated to change my attitude toward life.

So if I in any way come off as whorish, I am not.

I just want you.
There is a difference.

I'll be damned if I didn't grin and show off your bites proudly, because that night I won, and the next morning I felt like a kid my age.

Circumstances didn't seem to want to keep us together in any way, however. And I somehow don't blame you for not telling me when you got back together with your ex, your relationship with whom still baffles me. (How can she put up with you?) And circumstances will probably never let us kiss again, but despite being summarily used by you for a month or so, I am not bitter.

And damn do you look good when you wear that leather jacket, you skinny bastard.

-Surrogate Snogger

Dear Craig,

I am currently writing this letter without shoes. WITHOUT SHOES MAN! I hate to point fingers but I have give credit where credit is due. You are the one who bought Gary and you are the one that has to feed him. Here I am, on my own, in the dark (Yeah the power got turned off too, thanks man.) typing this letter to you on what remains of the battery in my laptop. Yeah, thanks for leaving one bar of battery left on this thing, it really helps to express your feelings with the kind of uncertainty only felt when you know your laptop will die soon without warning. I keep saving this document every sentence for fear that I'll lose everything I've written while I'm in my dark place. Gary is still wandering the ventilation and I know that you don't care. Sometimes when i sit near a vent I can smell the thick putrid odor of his pee. He's peeing in the air supply for crying out loud! I could die from this, but you don't give a rat's ass Craig!
You have to fix this Craig, you have to. I don't even care if you're chilling with your friends getting high, I'm suffocating. The landlord IS going to throw my ass on the street next week. This is indisputable but where are you?! I have been out looking. Maybe if I toss some drugs into the street, you and your entourage will come crawling out of the woodwork towards it. If and when you come back, you are buying me new shoes since Gary messed up the other ones and then you are going to pay the back rent. Once that has all been taken care of we will each turn around and walk away like businessmen. Cool?

Regrettably Bob

P.S. You also will clean up all the big piss stains.

Dear Hal,

I can't remember a day when I never saw your face. We have a bond that would take years to form if someone tried to butt in. Best friends until the end.

C

Dear Whoever,
 
I owe a great deal of who I am to you, and because of who you are and what you meant to me I will never be the same. You brought some of the greatest joy into my life that I have ever known, yet you  also brought  the deepest sorrow. I never knew pain like that existed, even now it sends chills down my back knowing that you said you loved me, and knowing that you hurt me. I know that I did my share of hurt, and I am sorry, I wish that things didn’t end the way they did, but that’s how things worked out, and I’m sure its for the best. The year and a half we spend together  was wonderful, even at its worst it was still good.  I cherish the time we spent together and you will always have a chuck of my heart, I wish I had the courage to say these things to  you, or to actually send this, but  I don’t.  I know that all the heart ace I’ve gone though could have been prevented if I hadn’t have done the things I did, or said the things I said,  I just want you to know I never wanted to hurt you, or anyone else for that matter, I just wanted to be with you  and I didn’t care who got hurt in the process. What we has was real, and it was good, and I never knew love until there was you, when I think of us in my mind I never think the bad times, and its best that way, 50 years from now when I think back on my first love, I want to think happy thoughts and  memories, not the bad, so I am letting go of all the hurt, and all of the regret. I know in my heart that what we had was real, and that will always be enough for me. I wish you a good and happy life in all that you do. And if you ever need someone I’ll be there, because I know I can always count on you, I always could. I’ll never here the name Jimmy Paige, look at the Briarwood Track or see a red trans-am without you crossing my mind. Thank you  for all the good times, and I’m sorry for the bad. Saying all this, the more I think about it the more I miss you, the more I realize what we had and how real it was. I miss you. I miss you so much it kills me. I see a red car that  looks like it could be a trans-am I get chills. You pass me in the hall and I get butterflies.  Maybe I’m not over you, maybe I never will be. And I can live life fine knowing that, if your happy…but if your not you know-you know I love you always. And ill be here. I gave my heart to you along time ago, and never really got it back.

Love,

Oh, goodness. Clearly I was a little confused about how to do that. Will remedy. : )

Dear mama,
Please just let me come home. Just for a month. I don't want to stay here, and I can't do it just to make you happy. Please.

Lewi,
Why did you take those pills? Why did you have to drink... Why did it have to be that night. I'll never forget your screams. I won't and now I'm afraid I'm losing you again... To a life without me... It's so selfish. But I still love you... With every part of my self... I want us again... The way we were when we used to just hold each other in bed. Please... get better. Even if it means we won't be friends. Just please don't forget me...

Amy,

Hey. I know our last conversation wasn't really how either of us would want that to end. Hell, we didn't want it to end. At least, I didn't. But I couldn't stand anything about you anymore. I cannot think of one redeeming quality about you.

You, my dear, are a whore. There is honestly no other way to put that. you like to have sex with lots of people with zero regard for anyones feelings. You slept with the first guy that ever broke my heart, just a few short weeks after it happened. I still want to know if it was worth hurting you best friend. Because I can think of no way that he would satisfy anyone enough for that. And I've been there. You took many guys virginity. In high school, you need to remember that not everyone actually does want to sleep around, guys just aren't as inclined to say no.

All summer, and for quite a few months before, you treated me like shit. I've changed who I am. I realized that if I were to be an intolerable bitch for much longer, I would loose all my friends. So I changed. I'm pretty sure that you regressed. You went back to middle school Amy. Amy that thought she was everything, that everyone loved her. We all need a little humility. You should learn that you have to treat your friends well if you want to keep them.

You know, you should have thought before you called me a bitch. Because now, I'm going to be a bitch. People will know exactly what you are. Everyone. That starts with Jack. You may think he shouldn't have to know about how you've slept with 8 people by the time you were 17, but he does. He deserves to know what he's getting himself into before he does something stupid. Like sleep with you. That would be the most idiotic thing anyone could do.

Amy, you have left no reason for anyone to love you. You have fucked up your life to the point where no one can save you. Please, never try to be my friend again, I know it will only end in pain for me again. That's all you ever caused, pain.

Sincerely,
Meredith

Dear Brendan,
I know you prefer to go by your other name, but I always loved calling you Brendan. It was special, just for us.
I miss you, and I'm sorry we hurt each other, but it was too hard for me to see you struggling with your addictions that I know you've faught so hard to get past. You are the most beautiful person I've ever met. I'll always love you.
I wish you the power to fight to keep away from the drugs that hold power over you. I wish you the strength to stay true to who you are, and what you want. I want you to know, that even though you hurt me like you did, I'll always be your best friend. In another life, I'll be your beautiful hippy wife, and we'll raise beautiful hippy children, and you and me with have the most amazing dreadlocks.
I love you.
-Daisy

Dear Louis,

we're approaching weeks since the last time we really spoke or saw each other. when you tell me you miss me, and i reply the same- i don't really mean it. I'm doing just fine without you.

always,
DazedConfusion

Dear Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, Stravinsky, Rimsky-Korsakov, Mendelssohn, Debussy, Chopin, Vivaldi, etc. etc.,

This is my formal apology to all of you that we are the last. I am only twenty and too young to be writing an apology to composers long dead, but I feel that someone ought to, and maybe my combination of writing ability and classical training will let me be the one who apologizes best.

All my fellow classical musicians would agree, and would likely sign this apology too if they knew where it was and if I could find all the classical youth of the country (and the world) and have them write, too. I'm sure they too are sorry, so just accept it from them and from all of us. We never asked to be the last. We never asked to stand there in our youth orchestras humming concertos as we walked out of rehearsal and practice every night. We never asked to have countless people roll their eyes at us and demand why we haven't entered the twenty-first century and how we need to get our heads into the present and stop listening to dead composers and dead music. We never asked to be the last group of people who listen and perform classical music, and we never asked for the sadness that resides in each of us in that knowledge that after we go, so will you.

We never asked to stand and watch classical music die.

But we are.

And I'm sorry.

-T

Dear Vermillion,
I can't tell you how much I miss your smile. This place...it's beyond what I thought it would be. I honestly thought that I was doing something good, but I can't think that now. I can't believe that I ever thought that this was a good idea. I will admit it, you were right and I was a fool. I can feel my life draining away even as I dictate this, so I'll have to be quick. I love you and I wish you all the best.
Goodbye my love and I pray that the good I've done will outweigh the bad and I will see you again one day.

All my love,
Mark

Dear Corey,
I’m not going to keep apologizing to you because you already know how sorry I am and I hope that you know how much I enjoyed the time we spent together over the summer and this past fall. I would have never predicted that we would even talk past that night we met at the Fray Concert. But for some reason, you decided to pursue me and ignore your friends, and I decided to go with it and ignore my friends. I learned a lot from you and the time we spent together this summer. But I was still afraid. By now I’m sure that you know how hard it is for me to show that I care about someone even the least bit. So when it was that night before you were going back to school obviously I was too afraid to say anything. But I was so glad I finally got over myself and told you how I felt all along and I was so relieved that you told me the same thing. And I still believe in my heart, that even if you hadn’t felt the same way, I would’ve been okay with it because at that moment then I was being as real and honest with myself as I was ever going to be. At that point I wanted us. I wanted us for all the right reasons. I wanted us for the fact that you ignored your friends and kept seeing me, I wanted us for the fact I ignored my friends and kept seeing you, for you still wanting to see me after I told you “absence makes the heart grow fonder” when you were in the cape for one night, for me taking care of you when you were drunk and lost a shoe then finding your sandal for you the next day, for you saving my life at that awful country concert twice, for those days you would come to my room when my parents went away, for the nights you would stay at my house til almost morning, for that double date with bre and bowen, for you having to walk home from my house at 2am and still putting up with me, for walking around holding my hand all of the oar concert, for the first time we did anything more than kiss and me freaking out about it, for you making me feel better about it, for that night at your brother’s apartment, for me freaking out about that too, for you also making me feel better about that, for bunny, for me growing to love the nickname bunny, for the times I would drive you home at 2am and you wouldn’t keep your hands off of me while I was trying to drive, for that spot at Marina Bay, for bringing me back to the happy person I was that was lost somewhere along the way with Jon, and being the reason that all of my expectations of how great my senior year summer would be were surpassed. At that point, I thought it would all be worth it, but we both started to see that staying together was harder than we thought it would be. But I still wanted it, I liked talking to you during the week and looked forward to our sleepovers on the weekend. Obviously, I screwed it up and let all my doubts get in the way of just being together. I was selfish and thought I could tell you I wanted to see other people, but then just get back together like that. I was selfish and scared and I know I was the one who caused the start of all of our problems. And my behavior has just made it worse. Instead of talking to you, I distanced myself from you and just flat out ignored you. I guess that’s just how I deal with things when it gets too hard and I’m sorry for that. However, I’m not sorry we met and I’m not sorry that I feel so terrible now. Because even if we can never be together again and if you never give me another chance, I learned so much from us being together and from you. I learned that it is okay to let people know you care about them once in awhile. It’s okay to be scared but it shouldn’t get in the way of following your heart. Even if you just completely blow me off and never talk to me again, it’s okay. I didn’t wanna walk away from this without knowing I did everything in my heart and told you everything I had in my heart before I cut you out of my life completely. I can honestly say I am okay with telling you everything now and how I feel even though I know it’s not the same for you anymore, because I have never been as honest as I am now and I hope you can find some way to let me back in after all that I have done.
Meredith
p.s.-I miss bunny….

Dear Wendy,


First off I would like to apologise for my bizarre behaviour of late.
I know that from where you're standing you must think I am completely crazy. Perhaps you're right. I am seeking help and feel that I am making good progress. The counselling in particular is of great benefit to me I can tell. It feels good for my head to be at least a little clearer than it has been of late. The fog has lifted a little. One thing I must ask is 'Can you forgive me?Please I beg of you Wendy. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me for spit roasting your two sisters, blowing your dad in the kitchen, molesting your dogs large bollocks more than once, taking a shit in front of the home renovations shop, beating your disabled friend; Ricky up, lighting your house on fire all those times, and of course how can I forget the worst, of which I am truly so very sorry for Wendy. Something you don't even know about yet, I'm sorry. Yes, I Robert Banks apologise for killing you very shortly. I'm coming for you Wendy. Fucking watch out. You’re as good as dead bitch.
PS. I love you baby.

Love,
Rob xxx

hey,

there's been a lot on my mind lately.  i'm not really sure how i should approach all this, but i know it needs to be said.  we need to get all our thoughts out in the air so we can stop being pissed off at each other.  we need to sit down like we were friends again and forget all the stuff we added, because at the core you are my best friend.  there is no one else that i would rather confide anything to.  so here it is.

you need to move to germany.  you know it is best for you and so do i.  your parents will be able to help you pay for your school and you will be done with it.  it is an opportunity for you to see the world, and i know you would love it.  you can't let me hold you back though.  you can't take my feelings, thoughts, actions, or comments into consideration at all, because as a friend i know what is best for you, but as a boyfriend i love you with all my heart and know it would kill me for you to leave.

so then there is the subject of me.  i don't know what's best for me.  obviously i want to be with you, i want to move half way across the world and start over, i want to be able to up and leave because i'm still a kid and that's what kids are supposed to do.  i also know that i need to go back to school.  i know that if i don't go i won't have the life i want for myself.  in today's world it doesn't matter what you know or what you can do, it's what you can prove you know and prove you can do.  i can't just sit back and coast through on a retail salary if i want to do what i want to do.  if i move to germany i know i won't make the money to put myself through school.  i don't speak the language, and even if i did, i haven't gone to school, so my job options are already limited.  here, however, i have a good job and i have the ability to pay for my school.  i don't know what to do.  i know what i should do.  i should stay here and go to school.  i know what i want to do, i want to go with you. 

the most logical solution to this problem (go ahead and laugh) is for me to compromise, but how exactly do you compromise between here and halfway across the world?  i can't transfer my job overseas.  i can't rely on any jobs there.  i can't afford the debt of student loans.  and i can't stand to see you leave. 

if you left i would lose my motivation (no not mota-vation).  you are my i strive.  you wake me up in the morning and you give me something to look forward to tomorrow.  without you here i would work and sleep and i don't want to be that guy.  if i went though it would be hard.  i don't know if i would be able to get the money together to go to school, live, and all that jazz.  i'm not really one to turn down a challenge, but financial challenges on another continent aren't to be taken lightly. 

i could rant and rave all day about why i should or shouldn't move, but the one thing i have to look at is the future.  where, ultimately, do i want to see myself and what is the best way to get there.  and here, baby doll, is where i find my answer.  and that answer is that i can always go back to school, i can work 2 jobs to pay the rent, i can plot and scheme my way into money, and if all else fails i can play poker, but what i can't do is willingly lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.  what i can't do is let the one go who i know will always love me, unconditionally.  you are the most caring, loving, and truly the best person i have ever met.  you never think of yourself first, you are willing to give your all for an ideal, and this i can't let go.  i can't just love you with all my heart and let you leave me knowing it would never be the same.  i can't and i won't sit here and watch you leave.

with all my heart Mel, i love you

You're gone. You really left me. Oh my god I can't believe it. I'm losing my mind a little bit. Already lost my heart. You took it with you on that plane. If only I could lose my mind completely. And now I'm washing the dishes off because I know you hate it when I leave them in the sink with food on them. And I'm making up the bed because you told me to. All you really wanted was a little help around the house. Day late, aren't I?

And when I got to the house today, after leaving you at the airport, I knocked. Expected to see you in your black panties and my sweatshirt, unlocking the door for me, smiling and ready to kiss me and greet me home. I knew you weren't there. But I still called out "Baby? Baby! Where are you, Eliza?" ... Just because I wanted to explore the possibility that maybe I'm crazy enough to have hallucinations of you until you come back to me. Maybe they would keep me company in the mean time. I wouldn't be so fortunate to go completely mad, would I? I went from room to room looking for you, screaming, crying from the depths of my soul. Wishing you were there. Searching for something important of yours that I could hold ransom until you came back. You left your razor. Your fingernail polish. Your sneakers. And there's a shirt here but I don't know if it is yours or if you gave it to me. I'll say its yours.

Eliza you're not home. And I miss you. And I am mad at you. You took everything important. You took your purse. And you took your wallet. You took your cell phone. Everything that would be important enough to turn back for. But you forgot me! And now I'm so angry. Because everything that would smell like you is gone except these sheets. And now I can never get any rest because all I'll smell when I'm trying to go to sleep is your hair. Your scent. Your breath. And my sleepy mind might wake up thinking you're there, yet the cruel joke will be that I am really alone, and the warmth from our bed is gone. You always said I had cold hands and feet. God, you used to keep me so warm. But that's gone now.

I won't stop calling out your name when I come home. I'm still going to expect you to be there. This empty house that we slept on the floor of for so long is now a home. It wasn't the furniture we got, or the bed, or the sheets. It was you; you made it our home, Eliza. And while you were here, I never felt so safe. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, until I was in your arms. And now I'm here in this cold and empty house with no one to answer me when I call out her name. The colours are fading already. My heart has grown so sad.

I promised you that I'd keep on living after you've left. I'll live, but not happily. I'll go out like you told me to, but It's not the same when my fingers aren't interlocked with yours while I drive. Your hand isn't here for me to kiss the back of, when we're too mad at each other to speak. My slight gesture, to let you know that I love you, no matter how angry you can make me. I need you to hold me when I'm crying like this. Your soft shoulders arms and welcoming chest that once enveloped me in my sobs that day we lost our baby, that day we lost our Sophie... I'm needing that again. Because I'm feeling like I lost you. The empty house and cold sheets are not quite so comforting to me as you could be, when my loneliness is so overwhelming.

Eliza, I'm not changing these sheets until you come back. I'll sleep on the floor when I need rest, but I'm keeping these sheets to hold me when you're nowhere to be found. I'm not wiping your lipstick off the screen until I can have your lipstick on my cheek once more. I'm not deleting your messages, or changing the way you tie back the drapes. I'm saving those sneakers, even though they don't fit. Your side of the dresser will remain vacant for your clothes alone, and I'll keep your nail polish on the sink to remind me from time to time how your hands looked the day we met. And I'll breathe in deeply the smell of your pillow when I need to feel you close to me.

It's 9:05. You're somewhere in the middle of a Texas sky. And I wonder if you can hear me screaming your name down here...

I love you...

 

Jack

Dear R,

It's been five years since you went to jail after putting your fist through the kitchen window. I moved out before you came home. Did you forget how many times I told you I would be gone if you continued with your drinking? You didn't stop and the message to me was that you didn't care. I could not take the pain any longer, for myself or my children. You were angry when you found me gone, but then you begged for me to come back. Two years was enough time wasted, waiting for you to care enough to make things better.

I've moved on, and our friends say you are still waiting for me to change my mind and come back to you. I may as well jump off a cliff... it would be the same.

Please get help, let me go, and move on.

I wish the best for you,

~ K

If I was a boy, I could leave it at that. Maybe you would still fuck me, and act around everyone else, around your friends, like you could care less about me. It's funny how that's the way it felt at first. It felt like our little secret, that we could just fuck and be friends to everyone else. I liked that you said that's how things would be if I was a guy. Unfortunately, you'll never see me as one, and I can't act myself around you. I don't even know how to explain to you that for me to not be myself will crush everything I want to do.

Sometimes I wish you cared more about what I want to do, and less about what I should be doing that YOU want me to do. Still, I'm thankful that you've gotten me into all the things you've shown me.

I know that you say it's not just because of the sex, but I feel like it's been different since I said I wouldn't sleep with you anymore.

this is pretty cool

Dear K,

How long has it been since I’ve last spoken to you? I do believe it was nearly a year ago. But even then, not much was uttered. You were with him, and I was with my friends. It was just one of those conversations that two non-close friends separated for a long time therefore becoming absolute strangers, have when they bump into each other unexpectedly. Actually no, I take that back. Even two friends turned strangers would have lots to talk about.

Sadly, I have no idea what went wrong between the two of us. Did we not swear to each other that we would be best of friends till the end? So I guess the end came and I missed the memo, because we are barely even friends now. Maybe this just shows how distant we have grown to be. Maybe this just shows how we really were not meant to be best friends. Just two people keeping each other company until they found what they were looking for.

You found what you were looking for, but I haven’t. And I’ll let you in on a little secret, you left me to rot and I hated your guts for it. After you found your significant other, I was nothing but trash to you. I was just somebody who you could rant to, nothing more. But I’ve gotten through my hate for you. You’ve backstabbed me enough times for me to build a wall around myself. When everybody else called you a bitch, I stood up for you. I refused to believe what they had to say about you, because what did they know about you? I was true to you, but you took my trust, stomped on it a couple of times before flushing it down the toilet. I guess those people were right all along.

I’ve written you numerous letters, but only a couple were passed along to you. One of them even got lost along the way thanks to another friend of mine. But it doesn’t matter. I doubt that letter would have made much of dent in our galaxy of problems.

It was silly – our friendship. We were young and stupid; I didn’t know what the phrase “best friend” really meant until years later. I was weak and vulnerable, and you had so much knowledge on the world already, I just wanted to be a part of that knowledge.

I know it was silly. But I feasted on that knowledge; I feasted on the innocence that I held over everybody’s head. It was quite an ego-booster to have you “protecting” me from the cruel, cruel world. But did you know? It was because you “protected” me so much, that left me so defenseless when you left me. I had to fight the sudden onset of mind-numbing problems trying to get a hold of me.

Your protection caused my downfall.

But nevertheless, I do have to thank you. Because of everything you have done to me, because of all the pain you put me through, I have learned how to protect myself. I no longer need you – or anybody else for that matter – to protect me. I know how to fight my own battles.

So, I hope you live a nice life.
And maybe one day when you need me and realize I’m no longer there, you will finally feel what I have felt.
       
Wishing you the best,
        -- M

My Sweet!
Good early morning to you. I have so enjoyed the last three days and I am counting the days until we share the Eastern Autumn. I woke this morning thinking of how fortunate to have you completing my life.

I thought of how perfect we are for one another. I love how you are a girly-girl, so delicate like California orchid, so loving and caring. You enjoy spoiling me with wonderful words and relentless giving. I am grateful to have found you again in this vast and ever-growing universe.

You inspire me to write again and to take the time to pause and enjoy everything around me even more than I do now.

I am happy to have your daughter, Sara as part of my life. I am in awe of our little family. My children and our Sara are intelligent, enjoy discovering and learning about the world in which we live. They are achievers and have set goals to accomplish things that give back to the society in which we live.

Our children, although they were not born from our loins, have attributes and characteristics belonging to both you and I. As a result, we all fit hand-in-glove, a smooth transition for us all.

Danielle is a girly-girl like you and pursuing a degree in the Medical Field, aspiring to become a pediatrician, wanting to discover a cure for childhood diseases.

Sara, nonchalant about what people think of her, a free-thinker. Her interest in social issues and world politics, concerned about social injustice and world events, rings similar to myself. I so enjoy talking to her about these issues. Her aspirations of becoming an attorney to help right wrongs and meet social injustice head-0n is awe-inspiring.

Chris, he has everyone wrapped into one Being. Smart, dry-humored, curious, loves sports, very calculated and curious as well. He is easy going and enjoys people. He is a hard working child and willing to give of himself for the benefit of others. He loves to smile, but wants others to pull their own weight and be a team player. He knows that anyone can accomplish anything if they desire to do so.

With all of that said, it just lets me know that we have been together prior to this existence, as energy changes form, but never dies. We are a perfect match and will be together until our last breath on this rock we call Earth. I am anxious to live each day together as if it were our last. To receive from this life all we desire and to give back we are capable of. We have a great family and a love for one another that trancends time and space.

I love you, Cher, more than a moment ago, more than I love my breath, you give me life and without you I cannot breathe.

Always you heart,

See-Saw

I'm going to be honest here,
It's enough that I tolerate and put up with your arrogance, hypocritical nature and unsubtle sluttiness, others are clueless why on earth I do, but it's because you're my friend and I love you. But I draw the line when you act too proud and full of self-pride to show any remorse for performing actions which have caused me and our friends to suffer.  And I'm through waiting for you. Give me back the half my closet you took and stay the fuck away from us.

Sometimes I think about the time I spent with you and I wonder if it was real. Sometimes I am sure that it never really happened at all. Sometimes I feel like whole pieces of myself are still with you and it is so hard to know that I cannot easily retrieve them. Will I ever?  Sometimes I feel as though I have moved on too quickly and that I am letting your memory slip away. Sometimes I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you.

When we were dating you were so hot, people used to give me compliments. That's why it was really awesome to Google you the other day and discover that not only have you gotten fat, you married a chubby bitch too. And you named your kid after a car. It's amazing--this is the same guy I was devastated over when we broke up? Your hotness blinded me to what a pretentious douche you are, but it's a lot easier to see now that you're a fat yuppie with a kid named Bentley.

3 years with you. I've loved you, I've hated you. You are verbally abusive, and your the only woman I've ever been headbutted by...

I've begged you to find help. Face it. You;ve been told all your life you had something wrong with you. Theyre not trying to hurt you, theyre trying to help you.

Ive never had security with you. I never know if your going to be in this relationship when I wake up. Are you in love today or not?

I moved 9 hours away from my son to be away from you, and it wasnt far enough away.

So this is now my problem. Everyone that knows either of us tells me to leave you alone, but I dont want too. I know your history and I know that everyone that has ever been important to you has bailed on you.

I want to be different.

So I pray for you daily. I pray for a miraculous healing. I pray that you and I can have a future.

But for now I've got to stay away.

I see you. Your the woman that makes me break things.
I seek to repair whats been broken.

Give me your heart.

No.
 I don't want to get coffee with you.
Or drinks.
Or have lunch, dinner, breakfast, and anything in between.
Truth is, you had your chance.
Now it's gone.
Get over it.
I did.

J.M

Why did you do it to me? I just cannot get my head around exactly what you did to me, even though it has been 7months!
We were together for 4 years and engaged for 1 of those.
I planned my entire life around you, I put dreams and ambitions on hold for you and missed out on experiences that I will never get the chance to fulfill or experience ever again...and for what?! For the immense pain of having my hear torn from my chest and cut up into tiny pieces, death by a thousand paper cuts couldn't have been worse!
What went wrong, for 3 and a half years, we were the 'IT' couple, everybody wanted to be around us, people wanted to be just like us, we were amazing....as far as the eye could see.

But then, we had that fight, that one night walking home from the bar when you told me YOUR feelings, YOUR dreams, YOUR ambitions in life had changed, and you weren't sure if you wanted there to be an 'US' anymore, that night a corner was ripped off my heart, I knew it was the beginning but didn't want to admit it.
However, we stayed together, we will never know now what would have happened had we gone our seperate ways then rather than leaving it till later.

So battling on, I knew things were not going right, I myself was starting to question a future with you, was it really what I wanted? So we fought, argued, stormed off and caused pain.

But I thought we 'were meant to be' we had been friends since we were 3 years old, our families, our friends, our lives were intertwined from the start, and for what?! I thought I was your world, I can be sure that for 1277 days I was, and you were mine, we really were in love, I'm just not sure it was the love of which fairytales are made, fairytales are afterall fictious and based on storys of evil and sin!

So the time came, I knew it was the right time, It was I that approached the topic, sat crying on your sofa after yet another arguement and spilled out my soul and innermost worries to you. Hearing myself saying these things outloud shocked me, but the replies you gave left me without comfort.
The engagment was off!

The following day was like hell, I couldn't sleep or eat or drink, and it was the day of my 21st Birthday Party, what was supposed to be one of the most important and spectacular days of my life will forever be blemished! Stumbling upon you with her, that slag, that hussy, that soul-less bitch, i remember that feeling, it brings bile up into my throat and leaves a bitter taste that I don't think will ever leave me! You said there was no one else!

You didn't come to my party, we lay crying and hugging on your bed, as you told me that this was it, that I meant the world to you still, and you still loved me, but you were no longer in love with me. The moment my already fragile heart shattered, the one person in my entire life that had never made me feel bad, the one person I could always turn to, was now the one person I couldn't, your reliability evaporated.

I knew it was for the best, and we were still going to be best friends, but how often does that work out, especially when you waited all of 6 hours to go out and hook up with your friends ex, they had only split up the night previous, how shallow, and low are you..did I really mean that little to you, and on the night of my 21st for christs sake, grow up and take responsibilty, while I sat plastering on a charade of a happy face, secretly crying into my plastic cup, you had already moved on, and with her, the hussy that had bad mouthed me for the 6 months previous having never exchanged a single word with me, how dare she!

So 7months on, having seen you with her numerous times, kissing in a club, walking the dog hand in hand, looking happy, I wish I could say I am happy that you are happy, as that is what we intended. But you stitched me up John, played with my emotions, made me think there was a chance when there wasn't strung me along with how much you missed me, blah blah fucking blah. Only to turn round 4 months ago and ignore me, to turn your back on me physically with her in your eye line. 17 years of friend ship resulted in that, You made me feel like such shit, but I am stronger now, so much stronger. I thought I would crumble, I lost weight, I stopped laughing, I cried in the shower so no-one would hear or notice, but soon enough I realised it was a blessing in disguise, as all the ambitions and dreams I had kept locked away pretending I couldn't hear them whispering behind my back, pick me, pick me, I could finally release and live my life the way it was intended. I have an awesome life planned ahead of me, and with you in it is would have been suffocated and stifled!

Out of all the shitty mess, I met  guy, a great guy, of course I don't have to tell you this really, as you know him. D is so great for me, being older he understands me better and keeps me near enough to feel well loved but at arms length so I have flutter my wings and accomplish my dreams. I still dream about you weekly, seeing you the other day and to be acknowledged by you, that threw me completely, but you no longer have the power to rule over me. I ignored you, I hope that hurt you slightly.

I felt so lost, I still do feel lost, when I think of how much has changed since this time last year, but it has been a positive change. You don't deserve me, I'm not sure now that you ever did! Maybe you were right 'Maybe we should have just stayed friends' although I disagree, I wouldn't change any of those 3 and a half years, we had some amazing times, its just such a shame that after all the protection, devotion and doting you did towards me you left me, in the dark, alone, scared and vulnerable. I only hope that one day you will be hit hard sqaure in the chest with the realisation of what you have done to me, and when you see my work around, and I'm making money, living the dream and someone hurts you the way you hurt me.I want you to think, shit, what the fuck have I done, I gave away the best thing that ever happened to me, and now someone else has the privillege to call me his!

A sincere FUCK YOU John

Your biggest mistake 'Rainbows are rare, only the luckiest of people catch one'.
Jo

Its a letter to an alcoholic's former self. Enjoy. (fictional)


Stay

Where did you go? Are you gone for long? Why did you leave and let this thing take your place? I miss you. I miss the level head you had, and the laughs that filled the room. I miss the open heart and the understanding ways.
This thing has taken control of me, I answer every thought and believe every excuse. I wonder why I think this way and why I act the way I do.
 I've lost the strength you gave me and the willingness to change.

Everyday  there is a beer in one hand and a cig in the other as though they are a part of me. I am my own worst enemy, I've become what I hate. I feel as though I'm a 120 pund weight just covered in skin, theres no soul, no heart no conscience. I'm dragging my empty self to work and the pub without a care. Somehow, I feel my answer is at the bottom of this bottle, this can, this shot glass. I won't admit otherwise and I hope to find it soon.

My relationships have crumbled, I am now just an object. Will I ever be loved the way you loved me? I feel as though I'll never find peace in what I've done. I've ruined my life, my future and potential just to numb the pain of reality if only for a moment.

Will you ever come back to me? You promised I would never end up this way, you said I was different. I'm waiting for a miracle, something to pull me out of this dark place. I feel your presence near me, you send me hope and light. Tell me it will get better, don't lie to me, don't leave me, don't betray or desieve me. If the light chases away the darkness for one more hour, it will be over, my pain my confusion will fade away and there you'll stand, you'll knock the bottle out of my and and my cig out of the other. You will give me light and hold me until the storm subsides. 

Where did you go? Are you gone for long? Why did you leave and let this thing take your place? I miss you...

Stay.

L-
I wish you could make up your mind. Or maybe you have made up your mind, and I just can't tell. Why do you act like that if you don't want to be with me? And if you do want to be with me, just tell me already, please. Haven't I waited long enough? You're obviously over her so you can't use her as your excuse anymore. Do you have feelings for me or not? Because people who are just friends ACT LIKE JUST FRIENDS, and you don't. I know it's not that big of a deal in the long run. I won't even care in a few years, will I? Why does it feel like such a big deal right now, though?
-K

You

I'm not sure why the fuck I care anymore.  Despite my best efforts You seem determined to destroy this thing I love so much.  When I think about what you're doing what should be mine; this world we both share, something dark and horrible stirs inside of me.  It is not the ability to end life, only the will to.  The will to reach my hand out and grab the minuscule aspect of omnipotence before me.  The realization that my will, the thing that has kept me alive for so long, was only biding it's time waiting to collect on its debt in another's blood fills me with great sorrow.  I know I will not win this struggle against myself, I know I can not turn down the out stretched vial from my dearest friend's hand.  When I succumb, the death of me will be only a whisper in the foreground of a million screams.

Dear G,
I know we haven't talked in two years. I know that now you're into drugs and people who do them. But somehow, being around you still makes my heartache.

I'll have to start at the beginning: I was so happy when I met you in fourth grade. I may have had a silly childhood grudge about you "stealing Nick from us," but it lasted for all of four seconds. The minute you told me that Princess Mononoke was your favorite movie too, I knew we would be friends. Becoming friends with S was harder, but the group of friends that resulted was worth it. Do you remember how we used to talk of double dating when we got to middle school? Of course, it's all silly now, but at the time, I was so DESPERATELY in love with S, which will be important later. Do you remember how he made me cry all the time? Yeah, I don't really get it either. Maybe I'm a masochist. I always knew, even then, that YOU were the nice one.

Fifth grade was so lonely for me. Even though D rarely came to school for whatever reason she didn't, and you promised to play with me when she wasn't there, you were more interested in playing with the boys. I understood why, but I remember so many recesses walking the track all by myself. But whenever you and your mom would sign me out of daycare to come to your house, I was so happy. I fell asleep on your couch once while you were cleaning your room. You had a comfy couch.

Sixth grade was bad for me. S and I had drifted apart by then, and our relationship mostly hinged on us both knowing you. I was still in love with him at that point, even though I knew that he was a drug and sex obsessed pre-pubescent boy. By the way, I hated Ash. A lot.

Seventh grade was when it all just stopped. Going to the convention with you was fun. I was looking through pictures the other day. You were in some of them. I cried. I'm sorry. I'm glad we could have such a successful club as well. But that's when I found the cigarette in my brother's room. He was only fifteen. I think it was about then that you started acting like the other boys too. Teasing and such. Natural at that age, but you were different with me. Nicer.

Then that day... I'm sorry I ever asked what you and T were talking about. I'm so, so sorry. I think maybe I knew what you'd say, somewhere deep inside my brain. But the second you uttered "I kinda like you" I got so confused. I admit I don't remember the scene so well. But I'll tell you this: I was still in love with S. (A strong word for one so young, but true nonetheless.) But I think, I also liked you. A lot. Maybe it could have grown. But I was so SCARED. I was the macho girl, and you were such a good friend to me. I didn't want to lose you.

I think I said something like "I don't know whether to laugh or cry." You know I've never been good with words. I never explained to you: Cry because I knew I was going to lose you. No matter how I responded to you. I'm pretty sure I knew. Laugh because I was happy. I was genuinely HAPPY.

After that, you and S started walking home without me after school. The shift was gradual, but eventually it evolved into our current relationship.(or lack thereof.) Maybe it hurt me a little when you started dating N. I knew before you even confessed to me that she liked  you. (She actually dated another guy I liked after that.) I know I get jealous when I see you with that girl after driving class. It's stupid and I hate myself for it.

You got more attractive and I got less. But I'll tell you this. I don't know if you're doing drugs or not. I hope you aren't. They're destroying my brother's life right now. He can't even get himself a job. My mom saw B getting tobacco from that lady the other day, and we all know about S. Please get him to stop. He's still like a brother to me. And you...I don't know exactly how I feel about you, but it's definitely strongly. I hurt all over every single time I see you, and I never get used to it.

Just so you know, somewhere along the way I've gotten depressed. I'm not motivated about anything, and I can't even begin to count the times I've tried to think up plans to kill myself. I don't even tell my therapist that. And I do my best to keep other people from finding out. I'm more scared about the day when I stop caring about the secrecy, because that will be the day that I will buy the sleeping pills.

I miss you,
A

Whoo boy this is long. But it felt good. Everyone needs to cry once in a while.

Teddybear,

I wasn't really raped by him...I just wanted an excuse for when I didn't want to have sex...now that I know you better, I wish I never lied, it's driving me crazy but I'll lose your trust if I tell you now...

S

Hey,

I'll be honest:  I didn't think much about what I did two years ago.  I thought it would be easier on both of us (but especially on me) if I didn't just say it face-to-face.  I don't know why I couldn't do it:  I held the phone to my ear day after day, willing myself to say the words:  "It's not working out."  But I couldn't make myself say them.  So I just started to ignore the calls.  I avoided you in the hallways.  I said I had already made other plans.  Eventually, I guess, you got the message.  It wasn't until over a year later that we spoke again.  That short, awkward conversation on the last day of school got me thinking:  "Why was I such a punk to that sweet guy?"

And you were so sweet to me.  You even freaking called me to wish me a merry Christmas.  Back then, I thought it was creepy.  Now, I'm practically tearing up thinking about it.  You know, since then, I haven't had much luck with guys.  I had that one crappy relationship, and I ended it within a couple months.  Face-to-face, this time.  I wasn't gonna repeat my mistakes.  When I got back to school after that summer had ended, I panicked.  You were in one of my classes?  "Oh, man, how am I gonna face him?"  Well, as you know, it didn't take me long to find out.  One group project later, it seemed the past was truly behind us.  We kept up a normal conversation, and I don't think you realize how happy it made me to know that we could, just maybe, be friends again.

Now, a couple of months later, things have only gone up from there.  Heck, I'm even becoming friends with your girlfriend!  I'm so, SO glad that our story is gonna have a happy ending.  I just want to finish up by saying that whatever happens, I'm gonna be such a better person than I have been, and, well, I'll always be here for you.  Maybe I should say all this to you myself...  But you know I've always been a coward.

Love,
Skip

A.

I came across a quote today that said, "Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to try to hurt yourself putting it back together." I am finding that to be more and more true everyday. I know that we love each other but is the love really worth all the pain we go through to fix our relationship?

You mean the world to me but there are days when I just can't handle your hands all over me like a greedy child searching for his mother's breast. There are days when you are so sexual that I feel at any moment you'll decide I don't put out enough.

I know you love me, and I love you dearly, but is it worth it? Why are we still torturing each other?

D,

I won't thank you for ignoring me when we were together, breaking me down, and making me feel unworthy. I know you didn't really love me, I told you over and over love is an action not just words, and you showed no action. Ignoring someone who loves you for weeks is not love. Acting as though a ten minute drive is a horrid burden is not love. Laughing at me when I have a anxiety attack is not love. Turning me into the bad person after being 'just friends'  for five months is not love. Verbally berating me for finding happiness in someone new is not love. Nor is pointing out all my flaws as though you are perfection.

She is love. She makes me happy. She makes me feel worthy of her love. She makes me value myself as I should. She builds me up and holds me tight. She drives an hour to get take me home with her every weekend, and then drives me back. She asks nothing in return for her affection, and thinks me delusional for finding perfection in her. I am lucky for her to be in my life. She fixed what you broke.

I am not perfect, but I am a better person. I never broke a promise to you. I never left you waiting for two hours and then break plans. I never hurt you the way you hurt me. You seem to think I shouldn't tell you how you hurt me, because it hurts you to hear it. Fuck no. You think I should still be friends with you a talk to you.  Fuck no. I gave you more chances than I care to admit, and I am through with all the insults. I gave our relationship my all, you gave it nothing. You admitted to not trying, and expect more forgiveness? I am no saint, I couldn't do it again.

So call me the bad guy. Say I was in the wrong. Say I got your hopes up for no reason when I didn't. Alienate me with our shared friends. They know what happened, and they know I am not wrong. I gave you the freedom you seemed to long for, and I won't be in your way. In fact, I will not be there at all. I told you this the last time we spoke, did you think I was joking? You bring with you so much baggage and sadness, I don't want that. You live your life, and I shall live mine.

But know this, if you ever cross my path, or that of my dearest love, or that of my dearest friends, you would do best to run the other way. They know the very worst of what you've done, and they loathe you more than even I can imagine.

In some strange way I bear you no ill will, in fact I hope the best comes to you. I hope you live to become a better person. I hope you live to find someone to complete you. I hope you live to learn how to love. I hope you live.

I know I am.
A

J,

I don’t know why I always insist on trying to save you. You refuse to take my advice but act as if I hold all the answers in the world. You come running when something happens and sit there, nodding in agreement, as I repeat myself in listing your husbands dangerous faults and your  naivety.  Remember what we use to say? That we’ve been there for each other since the womb and that’ll never change? I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I’m a nervous wreck; watching as you destroy your life over and over again. I have supported you these past 5 years- emotionally and financially. Your husband has been in and out of jail, doing drugs, cheating and mentally abusing you. 

And what of your son? Your beautiful, intelligent, hysterical boy? Do you honestly want him to grow up like his father? A dead beat who will never change and never care for anyone but himself? Because he will. You let him live around that man long enough and he will grow up acting just like him. It may take years for him to realize that his father was a bad man, but by then the damage will be done. Your son has witnessed too much. But you could still save him. You could still save yourself.

I’m starting to realize that you don’t want to. I don’t know if your scared, or if it’ll be too hard, but you don’t want to change. You say you want to better your life; you say you want to not live in poverty, but what do you honestly expect when your husband can’t hold a job for more then a month? What do you expect when you blow money on pot or alcohol or flat screen Tvs?

I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself. I have told you that if you go back to him then I am out. And that’s what you did. Moved 2 hours away with my adored nephew so you wouldn’t have to work hard to make a life without that man. I told you about the options, I told you about the jobs, about the apartments, but you decided that he could change. That he would get help for his mental problems. And now all I have is phone calls where I still hear him yelling in the background and you singing his praises. It makes me sick and I no longer know what to do. I can’t leave you, I can’t leave my nephew, but I can’t just sit and watch anymore.

I’m addicted to you. I know I will never leave you. I can’t. I don’t know if it’s because we shared an egg or if I am just too dumb to know when to give up.  I’ll always be here for you, even though it’s slowly killing me inside. Do you even realize this? 

J.

October 15, 2007

Hey Big Brother,

    Not much going on around here. Since I last talked with you I left the radio business, maybe for good but you never know. There are lots of businesses that need people well versed in public speaking, releasing press packets and such, voice-over for commercial and, dare I add, on-screen acting. If you think my face no longer poses a threat to the continuance of mirrors and clocks, I may try it.

   The wife and I couldn’t be happier working at the same place now. Working at a college has definite pluses. For one thing, I get free passes to all the campus sporting events. Of course, it helps if we have a good season.

   The babies are doing well. They’re not exactly babies anymore, but there’s still a lot of fun stuff going on with them. They’ve discovered the Firesign Theatre, just like you introduced them to me all those years ago. They love ‘Nick Danger’. You’d be proud of the munchkins. Your nephew listens to the Beatles every night, while your niece saw a picture of a prism and instantly knew it was the cover to Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’.

   One thing, though...you gave me a lot of little acorns to grow into some pretty big oak trees in my life…Led Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, those 'Destroyer' novels, horror movies, comic books and, oh yes, smoking. Thanks a lot for that last one (yes, I’m being sarcastic).

   Just so you know, your daughter’s working at a city college about 20 minutes from here and doing just fine, thank you. You’d be proud of how she has pulled herself up and made a go of it. I haven’t heard from the boys in a while. I hope they’re okay.

   It’s been so long since I had a chance to think back to what we were like growing up. I remember you wearing your hair like Barnabas Collins. Naturally, that was a far cry from when you and Rusty went trick-or-treating in drag that one year. That’s one little aspect I didn’t mind when I outgrew your hand-me-downs (I do miss the macrame sash, though).

   Remember when you and I beat him and David in that football game at Rusty’s house? That still stands out as one of the highlights of my life. I still remember the sheer elation of making that final touchdown pass from you and beating David into the end zone (i.e. the big pine tree). I also still think of playing in the Snow-Bowl. Of course with all our brothers and sisters, we were always our own team. I would love to be in Springdale during a snow session. With all our nieces and nephews, we would kill on Big Sis’s front yard. I still have that card you made for me when I broke my arm. I miss being the 'star player'.

   You know how everyone was always teamed up with some chore or other. The girls were always together for something and our little brothers were paired as well. It was always you and me, especially with the paper route. I miss that. I even miss the late-night session playing 'The Godfather Game' or 'Midway' and then taking a one-hour nap before the route began at 3 a.m.

   About a year or so ago, I recorded that movie we watched on our trip to Six Flags. Do you remember what it was? It was ‘After The Fox’ with Peter Sellers and Victor Mature. I just got the soundtrack because I wanted that theme song with the Hollies.

   Do you suppose the hotel staff put that door back up yet?  

   I don't remember ever thanking you for taking me to the Kiss concert in '79, even though we missed the opening act, Bob Seger (what were you smoking that night?).

   I hope you don’t mind, but I put all those Bruce Lee magazines to good use a while back. They were tearing up and I just cut out all the pictures and made a collage out of them. The centerpiece is the movie poster for ‘Return of the Dragon’ with Chuck Norris. I think you’ll like it.

   I also got hold of a DVD of ‘Billy Jack’. You know, it just doesn’t seem the same. It’s not the same to see every pithy nuance of the Ice Cream Parlor scene. You just miss those little crackles of the film in the projector. Just like the hiss and pop of a vinyl album over the clarity of a CD or MP3. Hope I’m not talking over your head.

   You were always standing up for me, whether it was Dad, that one bully in high school or some of your army buddies when I returned that gold ring I found on the street. I've done a little growing since then. I think you'd be proud.

   I think that's just one of several things about you I still don't get. For so long you were the quintessential hippie, tossing out peace signs like they were Nolan Ryan fast balls, yet the last time I saw you, you were in an army uniform. What prompted that decision? Was it a 'fight from the inside' mentality or an 'if you can't beat them...' thing?

   I saw our friend…okay, your friend, my classmate…Randy at the last class reunion. He took one look below where it said ‘Hello, my name is…’ and nearly popped a gasket. I remember having all those kung-fu mock fights at his house. Of course, Mom still remembers when he sent you to the emergency room with that knife. You never did tell me what move you were trying to do where that thing was involved.

   I want to apologize for the last time we talked. I was running late for work and I knew you had more on your mind that just chewing the fat. I just never knew how much. Now that I think back on it, I don’t know if there was anything I could have said or done that could have changed what happened. I’m a good listener, I know, but I'm pretty sure what you had in mind wouldn’t have meant squat no matter how long I stayed on the phone. All I can say is…I’m sorry I wasn’t there the one time you needed me.

   I do hope things are better for you now. Everyone misses you and you know we’ll see you again.

   I guess I am a little jealous. Here it is, on what would have been your 50th birthday, and instead you'll be 28 forever.

   Happy Birthday!  I love you.

Dear Shannon,

Some day all the pain and anguish you caused me and my family will smash you tenfold. I hate you with my whole being so you better not accidently bump into me. Thanks for the betrayal and stealing my childhood, greatly appreciated.
Patiently waiting for the day of your utter shameful and pitiful act to be brought to light for all those who you love and cherish to see. For them to witness just what a disgusting and shallow monster you really are.

Happy Days,
Ur ex step daughter

Dear Cade,

It's weird, the way that I feel towards you. It's almost as though theres a void in that place that you used to hold in my heart. Somedays, I wake up, and I'm so full of rage towards you that I can't even think straight, but then another day, I'll just sit and cry, wondering if you ever did the same for me. It's amazing-what you did to me. It's so hard for me to even trust guys anymore, and I'm not sure if you realize that or not. I'm not really sure how to really write this because this feeling is so complex. I've blocked thoughts from you up until now and it wasn't until now that it's started to bother me. I can't forgive you for this, even if you do, someday come back to me as you've promised for the last 3 years now, I don't think that I could even look at you the same as I used to. I do hope, that you'll become man enough to talk it through with me someday though, that way, I'll KNOW how to feel about this. Whether I should wait, or give up. Cause I'm tired of being wish washy, I'm tired of crying at night just because I thought of our old conversations and the things we used to do. I'm sick of having dreams about you coming back, but then waking up and realizing that I have to face the day knowing that it was ONLY a dream. I'm sick of it all. Just the thought of you makes me sick.

Dear K,
You're a total whore, and thank you for trying to steal my boyfriend, cause now we're closer. Soooo, thanks a bunch! I hope you're the one whore who doesn't get AIDs.


Daddy,
You're my hero in life, honestly I want to be just like you. <3
I love youuu. <3


That stupid Ho at Frontier City,
I don't know WHO you think you are, but you are most definately NOT my mother, and you can't fucking push me around like that. ^-^
If I see you again,
I WILL sock you in the face. :D


Thank you.
I really like this Idea!
:D

Dear Karyn,

I'm lost in a void. Even writing this letter feels wrong because it's like I'm the only one who understands. I guess, I'm truly writing this only to vent my feelings which you care nothing for, but deep down I still hope that you'd understand. It hurts so much to say that you don't, and I can't bring myself to believe, no matter how true it may be. My gut insists otherwise. In my life, I've never met anybody like you. I've met other people who are similar, and I've met people who share qualities with you, but you're the only one I've ever met who shared so much in common with me. I felt such a strong connection with you,  like we were a split soul reuniting. Only it seems I'm the only one who feels this way. You say you don't, and maybe that's true, but how can you know if you never give things a chance. Never tried to explore the possibility. It's such a wondrous thing, and if only to see if it was true should be reason enough to take a chance. But you couldn't bring yourself to. In fact, you flat out resisted. Your shyness and inexperience kept me from getting close, and I apologize for not having the experience myself to set your heart ablaze. I know one day I will, and I wanted that day to come with us together so it could be you who I loved, and you alone. Now, I am removed from you, and against the wishes of my heart, my mind tells me to leave you be and forget about you. It knows that I only get my hopes up around you, just to have them replaced with sadness and despair. Just being near you, or hearing your name spoken to me reopens the wounds, and my feelings go out of control. I can never be with you, not how you are now. You don't see me as more than a friend, and instead look to other guys who simply look different to be your one. It disheartens me so to realize how shallow you are, and to hear of such things makes my heart sink to the ground where it is easy to be stepped on. I feel miserable, and I want so badly just to forget about you. My heart won't let me. And so I sit, everyday, in deep thought, wondering what if. At night before I fall asleep, it is you who fills my mind. And in the morning when I come out of slumber, I must find the energy and motivation to begin a day with no hope of there being an "us". For when I'm awake the sadness returns and the facts seep in, reminding me and playing my thoughts from the back of my mind.  I am a man adrift at sea, after the wreckage of a vessel. Hopeless and praying that someone or something will come and rescue me from this hopelessness and begging God to help me find a better tomorrow. It is only in my dreams that I can find solace, and still there you pervade and cause grief and anguish. So this is how it stands, and you find sleep comes easy. I envy you and wish I could be more like you. Alas I cannot, and I will continue to drift, hoping that somehow, someday, I will find the strength to save myself, and that you will be able to enter my thoughts without befalling me with pain. Until then, I do not wish ill upon you, and hope that you'll forgive me for my emotions. If I ever see you again, I hope it will be in good standing and that we will be able to respectfully recognize each other.

yours in waiting,
Chris

Dear S,
I am happy now; happier than I was with you. It's been two years since we've has a real conversation and I still think of you everyday. I think about how you bought a house, and how you're soon to be engaged to the girl you started dating a week after our four year relationship ended. The funny thing is I'm not upset about it. I just feel a void where I should feel some emotion. That void is your fault. You hurt me so much that in response any feelings regarding you are almost non existent. The most hateful thing you've left is that you've forced me to not feel anything except contempt for you. After you criticized me, after you betrayed me, treated me like an old newspaper to be thoughtlessly discarded my only course of action was to have my emotions ooze all over everything in my life. After everything settled, all the anger and the despair, the hurt, and disgust faded, after all of that I feel nothing. Nothing for you that is. You robbed me of feeling any real emotions for someone who I loved so deeply. I could accept the end of our relationship, that I was ready for. I was not ready to be so easily discarded and replaced. It's like I meant nothing to you at all. Finally after years, you have done the worst thing imaginable. You turned me into you. You have made me heartless. Loveless. But, only when it comes to you. 
-K

Dear Self.
   Why do you always do this to yourself? You've gotten help for one problem and now your picking up another bad habit. Once things start going good you get to afraid and become to vulnerable to everyone and everything around you and that's why you always end up hurt, literally. Tonight for example, you could cry like everyone else, you tried i know but the tears are getting to be at that point where they don't fall anymore. I know your going into your numb stage again but try not to get to deep into it, you have a lot that is still good and that's what is keeping you going now. Your boyfriend is amazing, the best guy you could ask for, you should be the happiest girl all the time knowing this but for some reason your heart is always getting the blood squeezed out of it. I still don't understand why you do this to yourself though. I know you feel better after you do it but it's not healthy and you know it but yes the feeling of the pain makes you neutral again but i don't want this great feeling of pain to go anymore worse than what it has become now. It scares me. Think your scaring yourself, that's a person's biggest weakness, when they scare themselves so bad that do something stupid.

Think about it someday. Write about it like you used to. Don't push it aside and let it build up inside you do worse, trust me, yourself.

Alyssa.

Jory,

I still love you. More than anything.

I know you thought that this was the best thing, but it's not. You made me feel like a beautiful person for the first time in my life. You made me feel loved, and for for first time, I thought that maybe there was someone for me. You.

Ever since we broke up, our friendship nearly died so many times. And yet we keep pulling it back together. We're irrevocably entangled in each others lives, and I can't bear to tell you how much I miss our relationship. How much I still love you, because when we broke up, it clearly meant you didn't want me anymore. I don't want to ruin our friendship, because having you as just a friend is better than not having you in my life at all.

But I think... as part of my anxiety, I'm stuck in a world of "what ifs." What if you'd thought about it? You've certainly been sending the signals for me to think that. Saying perhaps the long distance wouldn't have made our relationship unsustainable. That long, abrupt kiss before I left for school hours away. What if I never tell you? What if you did? but what if I tell you how I feel, and you walk out of my life forever. What then?

College is lonely. I don't see you, I haven't met more than 3 new friends, and I don't even know them well enough to make a FRACTION of the support system I had at home... and all of those people are too busy for me now, save you. You're still so involved in my life, as much as you can be, from so far away.

And yet I look at the others around me, and not ONE of them holds any of the charm you did for me. Not one of the men I've gotten remotely close to looks at me like you used to. Like my plain self was the most beautiful thing on earth. To these men, I'm leftovers, last place, last resort, if that.

My biggest what if is... What if you were my "one?" What if you were the only man I'll meet in this life that treats me like I'm worth something?

I don't care if you  don't want me anymore. I just need you to know I love you. I still love you. I think I might always, at least a little bit. I wish you still loved me back.

-Twilight

Dear Valerie,
I can never forgive you, as much as I would like to, I just can't. I wish I could just stop thinking about it and move on with my life, stop living in the past. I wished you hadn't betrayed me like that, it hurts so much; everyday still. You were my best friend. You were the person, besides Greg, who I trusted the most. The two people who I loved and trusted the most completely back-stabbed me. I honestly don't know why I'm still with Greg and why I can forgive him. Maybe it's because he fessed up to it and he didn't try and lie about it after he was caught. I can't believe you sunk so low to play the rape card. It still gets me so riled up and upset. I know I've said this all to your face anymore, it just feels like maybe it'll help more if I write it all down. I don't know what to do.
I hate you,
 Brittany.

Dear Lanny,  I often look back to when we were married and think of all the things we did, the trips, the fun, laughter and tears.  Now here I am in a strange town, miles and miles away from you and even though we've been apart for 16 years, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Oh, how I did love you.  But....the whole time we were married and I THOUGHT we were happy, I find out that you were doing your first wife.  Well thank goodness I didn't find out all this until after we were divorced.  Hope you are well
Love, geegee

Dear Theater Class,

I love all of you. I really do; but, since i have spent night and day with you for the past 8 weeks, i have become a little tired of your ... personalities. I will get over myself, i promise, but i just want to say a quick word to some of you.

Selfish Boy: I hate your high singing voice. I know you can sing well, but for the past weeks, you have been singing really really high and it is horrible. I know its probably just me that dislikes it and I'm sorry. Why do you not want me to get ahead? is it because you didn't start this last year and now your upset because I am? My life has nothing to do with you so just stop talking to like I'm stupid. its retarded. I really don't think you will get as much as you want.

Dont wear shorts or flip flops dude: I used to like you, like, like you like you. And I kinda still do. but I'm getting over it because i don't have time for a male figure in my life. But please, you are good at what you do. If you don't get a parts, its because you didn't fit the role. Stop being so self absorbed.

MmM: thank you. you have change my life for the better. I have learned so much from you "uncle". I hope to learn a lot more. you have no idea how much you mean to me in my life as a mentor or just as a teacher.

ms. rumple: my mother. my friend, tell me what I'm doning wrong!! I want to learn so I can get better!! and i made the brownies.

the 3rd.: your the nicest guy i have ever met. thank you. you the person i want to come to for help and understanding. i dont have any feeling for you at all if you believe i do. your cute but not my type

your fat: yes yes you are. I lied when you asked me. you need to lose wieght. i hated your pants when you were on stage you looked like a black lollipop. i didnt know how it could be possible that someone could look so much like that. stand up straight oyu would look alot better.

hip hip.: tell me what is wrong!! what have i done? i want ot help you. I am your friend.

flame: you need to stop now. its not cool. you dont smoke. you are too good for her. being mean is not cool. stop trying to impress selfish boy. you are way better than that. you are my best friend.

black: i dont even know what to say to you. i have done nothing to you. you are a horrible actress and i hate your personality when you are trying to be dumb.

short hair girl: your not that good as well. sorry. i am better than you and i know it. you just have the right hair at the right time.

thank you for dealing with me. I know I have probably been really annoying lately. but i love all of you very much.

love - the wierd girl who like theater too much.

daeva:

i like it. couldv'e been sent (minus 2nd P) to a former friend of mine!
:(

A

Dearest Sarah,
You know I can never break my promises to my wife.
But I love you. I think I always have.

Dear 'Buddhaface',

I just have one thing to say to you:

It's not fair.

It's not fair that you allow me to get so close to you; you make our friendship one that was deep and unbreakable.  I even trusted you, when it's my nature to trust no one (and this is exactly damn why).  How could you destroy it like you did?

You'd rather do what you think your peers want you to do than a single ounce of anything in my favor.  You've done so many things; drinking, drugs, tobacco, vandalism.  You've acted like a delinquent; you've backstabbed, betrayed, and abused the trust of your friends enough to be placed on the eighth level of hell. I gave the best years of my life to you, and you ruined the rest of mine. 

And now that I've finally detached myself, you have your little tantrum- but let me make something very clear to you:

You do not have the power to control me anymore.

I won't allow myself to be used and abused and mistreated like you've done to me, 'best buddy'.

So suck it up and move on to the next weakling.

I've become strong.

Goodbye, 'Soulmate Bruddah'.

dear bill,
i love you.  i hope you're not gay.

Dear  Unknown,

I never got the chance to feel you move
or listen to your heartbeat for the first time.
I never got the chance to anticipate your arrival
or hear your first cry.
I never got the chance to see your smiling face
still I imagine it every day.

Dear John,

You deserve to know why I am upset with you, but I have been asked not to tell you because doing so may cause more problems. I am upset for two reasons.

The first reason is a bit selfish. I offered you my friendship. You took the gift of my time, my ear, my advice. You gave nothing back. You don't even use my name. I am "the girlfriend of your friend." Even after I told you how that made me feel, you still persisted. You refer to the others as "mutual friends," and to me as "the neutral party." Maybe that was only poor wording on your part, but still... it seems you only care to call me when you are bored or lonely or have something on your mind. It was always about you, and I let it be that way. You hurt me over and over, but I was willing to let it pass. I defended your actions (listed in part below). I told people you were just going through a rough time and you would snap out of it. I stayed your friend even though you weren't acting like mine.

The second and primary reason I am upset is because you ditched your best friend. How is this my business? One, he's my friend too, so I get to see the fallout (and the long, whiney email you sent him). Two, because he is also my friend, we can no longer all be together comfrotably in the same place. Now, if my boyfriend and I want to do something as a group, we have to decide which of you to invite. We had a feeling of family, or brotherhood. That's gone now. Three, how do I know you won't do the same to my boyfriend? You can't be trusted. You don't dump your best friend of six years over hurt feelings. All he wanted to do was care for his girlfriend and baby boy. All you wanted to do was feel hurt over not being able to spend as much time discussing games and movies with him.

It comes down to loyalty. True friends are loyal to each other. You should look into that.

I hope you can grow up and apologize before this whole mess is too far gone. I hope you can figure this out without someone telling you to your face. I hope you can get over your defensiveness and admit that you are in the wrong.

I've spent a good amount of time thinking about my own position in this quagmire. I don't know if I'm doing the best thing. I've tried and failed to find a path that I can feel good about. So it goes.

Goodbye, John.

Dear Nancy,

This is a letter I should send you, I should email you, I should somehow get to you but I doubt I ever will. See, I'm one of those people who, when it comes to thinks sentimental and sappy, tend to seclude them in my journal or computer and never let them see the light of day. I think you're the same in terms of sentimentality...you were never the type to like anything drippy and sickeningly sweet and happy. So maybe that's one of the reasons you'll never get this letter. The other is that I'm a terrible correspondant and have been from the start, even though I sat there in the beginning of college two years ago wanting nothing more than you and your advice...and recently, though we've not spoken or seen each other in two years, there are days I sit in my car (I'm driving now, safely, too) and still want your advice, and get mad at myself for not keeping up contact with you when I know I should have.

You were, still, the greatest teacher I've ever had, Dr. Carr nonwithstanding. You were down to earth and stable, you never looked with condescention on your students. You were older yet one of us, you understood the tumultuous times we were going through and didn't scorn them or use the typical adult line of "oh that's nothing, just wait until you're (enter age here) and have real problems." No, you knew our problems were real to us and gave us real advice. Most adults forget adolescence. You never did. Maybe that was one of the many reasons why you were such a great teacher, why I looked at you with admiration occasionally bordering on hero worship and wished maybe someday I could be half the oboist and teacher that you were.

Last year things went to hell in orchestra and I wished I could have talked to you, because I'm sure you'd experienced that before and provided at least a sympathetic ear if not more...but you would give more, because you always did and you always knew. It's been two years and I still can't make reeds and I wonder if maybe that's part of why I haven't emailed you...I'm really, really bad at making reeds and you encouraged me to make them and two, three years later I STILL stink at it.

You were the teacher that every teacher should be. You were a mentor, a superior who never acted that way. You were level-headed and down to earth and the sort of thing that every therapist should be but never is...I think you'd have been (and were, at the time) the greatest therapist of all.

That's why I can't send this letter. See, it's too sappy and sentimental to tell you that you were one of the most wonderful people I've ever met and impacted my life forever, that you're one of the reasons why I want to be a teacher someday (see? ack, that was cheesy!) and if every teacher and oboist was like you, we'd have a much happier musical world. I can't write to tell you that I don't think I would have survived that time without you and when things got worse last year (worse than they did back then, if you can imagine) there were times when I was alone in the night shivering and wishing I still had you to talk to because you would have known and been able to make sense of the chaos.

I suppose, in short, I miss you.

-T

Dear sir..
I know you don't care anymore..
If you cared you'd be here.
I'd like you to know, we still want you
if you ever decide to return.
It would be decent of you,
if you don't intend to,
at least to inform us as such.
If you do.. eventually... intend to return,
but have for various reasons not had the time/will to do so,
it would be nice to be told anyway..
your prolonged unexplained absence hurts somewhat.
I miss you,
I love you,
I'm sorry if we were boring or smothering
or patronising or simpering...
we probably won't change..
I will change if you want,
but I cannot speak for everyone in this circumstance.
I don't know how to be,
but if you tell me how to be...
it wouldn't be me, would it?
I'm so sorry I've failed you.
You are so important to me..
I wish I knew how I could become an individual
whose company you enjoy.
Love, sasha

My Dear Honey,

Right now, it's past 4 A.M and I haven't slept yet. You've long gone to bed with that cold you've caught, and I am slightly concerned. My sleeplessness has nothing to do with that however, and I'm content to know that you're resting well.

Before anything else I would like you to know that I love you. I do, truly. I love you like I've never loved anybody or anything else before. I love you, and trust you completely. I feel at ease beside you, and your embrace completes me. I wish with all my heart that I could, the Universe allowing, happily spend the rest of my life with you.

There is however, something I should tell you. I've kept this from you because I don't really see why I should share everything with you to be able to spend the rest of my life with you. We can be happy together. You are my happiness. You don't need to be troubled by this. I have no intention of troubling you further, beyond my mischief and 'quirks' as you call them. But you deserve to know why things have changed, why I've been behaving differently, and why I've been so troubled in these past couple of months. You deserve the truth.
But I'm not ready to face you yet.

So I write you this letter instead.

Do you remember that hot summer night? That night when you crawled into bed in your birthday suit, and I broke down in a panic for no apparent reason?

When you crawled in under the sheets, and your limp member brushed against my bare leg, I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of fear. I didn't know what to make of it at first. I just knew it was scaring me and I yelled at you to stop. You moved away slightly in surprise as my mind raced with a million and one thoughts. I racked my brain for a possible explanation, nagged my self for this random irrationality. I was so confused, and you didn't understand either. You thought I was teasing, joking around, and so continued to hug me. Remember how I went rigid, started to hyperventilate, and shut my eyes really tight?
You were so confused and I was panicking. I knew that you were thinking I was disgusted by you, wondering what wrong could you have possibly done? I was so angry with myself. I was hurting you! I was so afraid to look at you. So afraid to see your heart break. I didn't know what was going on either. You asked and asked, but I couldn't provide a sensible explanation. I assured you it wasn't you, that I didn't know what was wrong with me. But you were slowly becoming more convinced that it was you, and I could sense it. So I told you I loved you and that it was ok to come near. But the instant your skin touched mine, I froze, panicked, and practically screamed. We'd slept together, naked, before. We'd made love many times before. I didn't know what was going on. It felt like everything was spiralling out of control. I don't remember what else happened but I started to sob uncontrollably, the sobs turned to wails, and you were grasping for some sort of an understanding that I couldn't provide. You were so lost, I'd wanted to be there for you. But you felt so far away as you held me close, trying to calm me down.

That night, something was triggered in me. Something I didn't understand. It's too hard to explain. But this is what I know. The second time your skin touched mine, this image of a dark figure leering over me was suddenly seared into my brain and it came over and over in my head. I could see the top bunk of a bunk bed over his head, and the far wall behind him looked white, reflecting the light from outside. It looked purple-ish pink, like at dawn or after shortly sunset. It wouldn't stop. I tried to blink it away, but when I closed my eyes it was there, and when I opened my eyes, I was still more conscious of the image than our room. It was scaring me. Fear that I never knew excisted. It wasn't anything like the fear of mirrors and TVs after I'd seen the Ring. It was a very strong fear. I was so scared and overwhelmed by everything that was happening too fast and even more scared because I was scared of you. You of all people! The only person who's ever been entirely good to me. I was so scared of you then. I didn't want you to touch me.

I was petrified with your presence - and I didn't know why. I was so confused and scared. I knew it was you - I was unwilling to fear you, but my body was reacting differently. I flinched when you touched my arm. I fought it so hard, the urge to run away from you. I've hurt you enough and I was scaring you with my erratic behaviour, I knew. So I endured your presence, let you try to comfort me. But even when I'd stopped crying, and when you've managed to fall asleep, the image was still there. I fought the intense fear that night. But even in my sleep it followed me. Only now, months later, have I started to slowly get over it. I kept waking up, feeling scared of your peacefully sleeping figure next to me.

I'm sorry Honey. I think I was abused. I'm sorry, because I don't know for sure, but I truly feel violated. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I can't admit to the abuse to your face. I can imagine the weight you'd bear once you find out. I keep telling myself it was just a nightmare, but it's too persistent.

I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night so deathly afraid of you. I love you so much, and I don't want to push you away because of this. I don't want you to think I'm pushing you away. You are my biggest comfort and I've put you through so much. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I can't protect you from my evil monsters... I hope so much this doesn't push you away. I wish I knew how to be back to normal. We haven't made love in so long... And it's unfair to you, but you've been so patient and caring. It's breaking my heart. It breaks my heart, knowing what I'm putting you through... But Honey, I'm clueless. I don't know what to do.

I love you. I know you love me.
I'm just scared you would suddenly stop lowing me.

I'm sorry,
-k

Dear Outlaw,

I don't know why I ever let her talk me into going out with you.  Yes, at first everything seemed fine, but what did I know?  You were my first boyfriend...the first person I THOUGHT I loved.  So why would you treat me like that?  Why would you hurt me when I didn't know any better?  And then you become the coward and break up with me through the one who started all of this.  What kind of a man can't even end a relationship the way it should be ended?  What kind of a man are you?

It took me three years to say this and you're not even going to read it, but, you have no idea how much you hurt me.  But through everything that has happened I have to thank you.  Thank you for showing me the kind of man I DON'T need in my life, and for helping me find the kind that has made my life worth something.  Yes, because of you I decided to go to school in NC, and I met someone who is more than perfect.
So here's to you.  Have a nice life, and I hope I never see you in mine.

Sincerely,
Eryn

Dear Best Friend/Secret Crush,

I see how you smile when you watch her face smile back. I see how you glow happiness as you hug her in the hallways. I see how your face shows apology as you walk past me, without a second glance. But I can't help the questions and the want for their answers.

We were such good friends, I thought. An unbreakable bond, I assumed. A 'best friend' I called you. But of course, I should have known, you would betray me for her. Your love.

You used me, and I revult at those thoughts. You stabbed my back with your bloody sword of betrayal. You broke my heart so many times duct tape couldn't repair the shards and make me whole.

And yet, all I want, is you to be happy. To have a smile on your gorgeous face. And if that means no interference from a jealous friend ... then I will do so.

Your Broken Ex-Friend

Dear Friend,

So many times i have thought about you and how you have always been there for me. When i hear the song Teardrops on My Guitar by Taylor Swift, it makes me think that it was written about me and how i feel for you. I told you once how i felt but you said we'd be just friends and you didn't want to change anything. i love you as a friend, as a brother, as something more... but when i think of how great it has been being your friend, i'd rather be with you as a friend then not at all. And i wanted to tell you i will always love you but that i'm glad you found someone who you want to be with because she's great. You two are great together and i know she loves you. I'm happy for you and i hope to find someone myself as great as you.

Love always,
Ashley

Dear Sebastian,

i want to tell you something, that ist on my mind all the time. I like you. I like you very much in fact, but I'm sorry, I don't love you. Sometimes I wanna hug you and kiss you and thank you for all you have done to me. It's not much, of course, but i treasure it.
I have to apologize. I dunno, if you like, or even love me, but if, I really made a mistake. I should have told you much earlier, but now it is to late. We should have been best friends, soulmates. I hope you forgive me.

Yours truly,
Suzan

Dear Mr. Pile,

Having you as a music teacher in grade seven and eight changed my life. I'm now on the road to happiness, and I'm going to school for what I love to do: Music.

Thank you so much,

Alex

dear douchebag,

i wish you would stop being such a dick and let your son come home without any of your senseless guilt trips.
  i believe he talks of marrying ME,not YOU.

i should have poured Nair in your shampoo bottle when i had the chance, you selfish son-of-a-bitch.


:)

To my third grade teacher;

Just thought you might want an update on one of your more inconvenient students. I am currently attending the best university in the state, and I got an AB in first semester calculus. Turns out I could do math.

Sincerely,
Kaitlyn

P.S. Nah.

Dear, Mr. Threepwood
I wish i could tell you how much i really cared.
But after last time i kina just gave up.
I hope she is everything you wanted and
i am sad to say that i am greatly missing my first mate.
Don' t forget to look up at the stars
and i'll play scrabble with you anytime!!!

i love you forever and always
Elaine

Dear Adam,
How did I miss the signs?
I thought we were happy. I thought i made you happy.
I thought we were going to be together forever.
Silly me to think such thoughts
To think we could stay happy forever.
At least now you could be happy, even if its without me.

I love you and always will. Just like I will always think those wrong thoughts.

Dear Clint,
You just have no idea do you?  'Cause if you did I wouldn't be sitting here and you wouldn't be sitting there?
I long for the past.........where are you??    So close, yet so far, just too, too far.

Miss ya!!
Waterbaby

Dear anti-depressant
You have made my mind wonder to places that it has not ever been before and i have often wondered where the path will end! It took me awhile to acknowledge what you have made my life become and now that you have freed me i shall relive and over come

Dear off-brand crayons,
I like to support the small companies, but in this case I will stomache the huge brands. No wonder crayola is more successful, their crayons have probably half of the wax yours do. How can I stay inside the lines if your copious amounts of wax keep sliding me out?

Sincerely,
Angry child

dear dinosaur,
it's my fault and we both know it, though i doubt either of us would ever say it. anyways, i'm sorry. the potential of the situation carried me away and i quit thinking clearly. forgive me and i will pretend like nothing ever happened. we can go back to the way it was in may.
see you, ethel

Dear Sam,

I thought of you today and i felt a shiver come over me.

Yesterday I did nothing but lay in bed and think of all the possibilities.

Wondering why your life had to end so soon.

We were good together and we would have been great together. Oh Sam i wanted a stolen moment in your arms just this once to say how much I adored your creativity. Your energenic light.

I remembered all the times i called you late night to vent about school and about my lover and about the times we should make out. that brought a smile to y face as i lay her and think of you.

I am still thinking that one day soon I'd visit you up in Vermont, but  Sam that day will never come because a drunk driver stole you from me.

Will you watch over me Sam, make sure that the next person I love dearly makes me feel love like you did.

Love Kori

That was perfect! Well said!

Dear Glass of Milk,
i know you willl make me strong
my bones will  stay but i will be old
my theeth will be white but the shine will be gone
but still you will make me strong
so i will drink you down

from some one who wants to be strong but still is lazy

Dear  Just a friend,
It is hard to let go. I am sorry for the thing i said and done. Love hurts when you are the only one in it. I want to be your friend but it breaks my heart to see u or hear you. Thoughts of make love to u makes my body go into withdrawl. I wish u could see what I see, but I can't make u love me,

Love with everything I got,
Sunsetlove

Dear Stop Sign,
You are a stop sign and I am a
cinder block. Therefore I think
we should break up. I hope we
can still be's friends.

Love Always,
Cinder Block

Excellent way to let go.  Writing is one step closer to facing the person you wish to address. Hope writing empowers everyone.

i like the idea!!!!!!

I like! :P

Good idea =D

Ooops... Not sure how that happened. I put that comment in 'An Open Letter To A Closed Mind'.

WOW! You've said EXACTLY what I sometimes wish to have the courage to say to a PARTICULAR man (ex)! Bravo, and I hope you felt much better afterwards. :D