Community picked writing
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Project Leader:
LODY
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The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
Project Leader Only -
Category:
Poetry -
Genre:
General -
Language:
English
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Poetic Trifecta
GIVE FEEDBACK
8/31/2009 8:39 PM PDT
this Man is an awsome author and should be published
This Feedback was...
8/31/2009 1:14 PM PDT
Jewelry Box Dancer
Really like the image of a romantic guy who loved her so much, his heart is hers forever.
Forevermore
Great image of flying into anothers dream and it was so strange and troubling, you never want to go there again.
Heavy is the Head.....
Reallys hilight the burdens carried by the soldier and how his only hope is to seek excape in drinking alcohol.
Really like the image of a romantic guy who loved her so much, his heart is hers forever.
Forevermore
Great image of flying into anothers dream and it was so strange and troubling, you never want to go there again.
Heavy is the Head.....
Reallys hilight the burdens carried by the soldier and how his only hope is to seek excape in drinking alcohol.
This Feedback was...
8/31/2009 9:44 AM PDT
I liked your poems, I think they are well written. Sometimes the more simple and to the point type of poems are the best.
This Feedback was...
8/31/2009 9:37 AM PDT
coool....thats surprisingly easy going yet enchanting n hard 2 write i guess...
This Feedback was...
8/31/2009 8:12 AM PDT
Musicality:
Wow you are so talented! your poetry is so heart felt and moving!!! u have my Vote!!! b e a u t i f u l
Wow you are so talented! your poetry is so heart felt and moving!!! u have my Vote!!! b e a u t i f u l
This Feedback was...
8/31/2009 4:47 AM PDT
Voted good look... Shahw X
This Feedback was...
8/31/2009 2:42 AM PDT
Good luck with this! You really have something different going on here!
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 10:39 PM PDT
I really liked your work
great job keep writting!!!
great job keep writting!!!
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 10:16 PM PDT
Content:
I think tehe reason jewlery Box Dancer impacts a great deal of people is because we are always waiting for the special someone to call or even notice us. If is it a child coming home from the school after being away for a semester, a spouse in the military, .... this is how the poem impacted me we tuck ourselves away until that moment arrives and when it does we are dancing on air but when the special person isn't there whether they are away or have passed on, it someitmes feels like the music ends..... Thank you for sharing this poem with me...
I think tehe reason jewlery Box Dancer impacts a great deal of people is because we are always waiting for the special someone to call or even notice us. If is it a child coming home from the school after being away for a semester, a spouse in the military, .... this is how the poem impacted me we tuck ourselves away until that moment arrives and when it does we are dancing on air but when the special person isn't there whether they are away or have passed on, it someitmes feels like the music ends..... Thank you for sharing this poem with me...
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 8:55 PM PDT
This is extremely depressing. Well written.
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 6:57 PM PDT
Hello!
So, I liked the jewlery box one the best, and that's the one I voted for! I think it is well written and has depth. Good job!
Mar
So, I liked the jewlery box one the best, and that's the one I voted for! I think it is well written and has depth. Good job!
Mar
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 6:39 PM PDT
I love that you present this from the viewpoint of the figurine in the jewlery box. Great job!
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 12:39 PM PDT
These all have splendid rhythm and feeling sewn right in! Simply wonderful. I don't know what more to say!
VOTING
~Courtney
VOTING
~Courtney
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 11:30 AM PDT
you have my vote. all three were well written and unique, although i'd say Jewelry Box Dancer is my favorite of them. :) i can't explain exactly why but it just is the best in my opinion...
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 10:11 AM PDT
Jewelry box dancer is absolutely beautiful, i particularily liked the phrase " My life slowly spins in circles though I go nowhere at all." I can relate to this so well and I really enjoyed reading all these poems :) I hope u get them published :D
~Karlene
http://www.webook.com/project/The-best-of-karlyJoyce
~Karlene
http://www.webook.com/project/The-best-of-karlyJoyce
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 9:16 AM PDT
Good job! Publish.
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 8:24 AM PDT
Jewelery box dancer is my fave, you have quite a gift I hope to see your work in print my friend. Congrats.
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 6:51 AM PDT
General:
I truly loved this poem and all the others you have submitted. Please continue to write poetry. It's absolutely wonderful. I wish you all the bes and all the luck ever! All of your poems deserve to be published. Good luck!
-K
Content:
I truly felt connected with your last lines:
"The song in which I'm dancing to
Only starts when you're around
Just open up your jewelry box
for that's where I am found."
It show just how much you need this certain someone around you to live your every day life and without them, life wouldn't move it would forever be frozen. Just like the little dancer is when you call a jewelry box. She stops moving until you open the box up again. I truly loved this entire poem.
Imagery:
You really got me going with the music box theme. I truly lovd how I could actually see the "little dancer" twriling in its box, waiting for someone. You have a way with words.
I truly loved this poem and all the others you have submitted. Please continue to write poetry. It's absolutely wonderful. I wish you all the bes and all the luck ever! All of your poems deserve to be published. Good luck!
-K
Content:
I truly felt connected with your last lines:
"The song in which I'm dancing to
Only starts when you're around
Just open up your jewelry box
for that's where I am found."
It show just how much you need this certain someone around you to live your every day life and without them, life wouldn't move it would forever be frozen. Just like the little dancer is when you call a jewelry box. She stops moving until you open the box up again. I truly loved this entire poem.
Imagery:
You really got me going with the music box theme. I truly lovd how I could actually see the "little dancer" twriling in its box, waiting for someone. You have a way with words.
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 6:05 AM PDT
General:
You were right that I would like your poetry. The first stanza gives forevermore away as a homage to EP. I really enjoyed it- he mastered creating suspense through meter. My favorite was "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown." I really liked these and you did get a vote from me to publish!
Form:
All three seem impeccable in use of rhyme, meter, and stanza construction. Well done.
Content:
The content on all seems fully developed. I have enough story for all three to get the points.
Imagery:
The imagery on "Jewelry Box Dancer" seems the most refined, although "Forevermore" is excellent. My only thought on "Forevermore" is a physical description of the man to whom the narrator speaks. In EP's poem the Raven creates an instantaneous image of dark and mysterious forces. As a reader I wanted more of an image of the man to whom the narrator speaks. Not necessary though- a great piece without that imagery!
I have to wonder if the crown and bottle reference in "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown" was intentional with Crown Royal... just a thought.
You were right that I would like your poetry. The first stanza gives forevermore away as a homage to EP. I really enjoyed it- he mastered creating suspense through meter. My favorite was "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown." I really liked these and you did get a vote from me to publish!
Form:
All three seem impeccable in use of rhyme, meter, and stanza construction. Well done.
Content:
The content on all seems fully developed. I have enough story for all three to get the points.
Imagery:
The imagery on "Jewelry Box Dancer" seems the most refined, although "Forevermore" is excellent. My only thought on "Forevermore" is a physical description of the man to whom the narrator speaks. In EP's poem the Raven creates an instantaneous image of dark and mysterious forces. As a reader I wanted more of an image of the man to whom the narrator speaks. Not necessary though- a great piece without that imagery!
I have to wonder if the crown and bottle reference in "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown" was intentional with Crown Royal... just a thought.
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 4:08 AM PDT
yours were three lovely poetic pieces........esp the head that wears...
you have my vote.
and i guess u might like one of my submissions too....so if you have time ....
my project is Melancholy Solitude.
http://www.webook.com/project/Melancholy-solitude
you have my vote.
and i guess u might like one of my submissions too....so if you have time ....
my project is Melancholy Solitude.
http://www.webook.com/project/Melancholy-solitude
This Feedback was...
8/30/2009 1:26 AM PDT
You guessed it right when you guessed I would like your poems. So you have my vote. I liked all three poems, but "Nevermore" is my favorite. I like the use of metatextuality-it is an original idea an a kind of homage to E.A.Poe. All your poems are neat and polished as far as form is concerned. You handle rhyme and rhythm very well.
Good luck with this contention!
Good luck with this contention!
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 11:03 PM PDT
Voted.
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 9:51 PM PDT
Very good work. I liked how the rhyming patterns changed between the three poems.
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 8:21 PM PDT
Very, very nice work. Well done
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 7:29 PM PDT
Once again wonderful work here. My favorite is a "Heavy Is the Head that Wears the Crown", I think mostly because I was in the military and can relate to this quite well. Tons of memories.
The second one to me - as I'm sure you realize - related directly to Poe and was very good but a bit long-winded to me.
The first one was visual in its simplicity and invoked images of jewelry boxes and the magic they hold for little girls everywhere who open them to see the ballerina twirl. Nicely done.
A definite yes to publish from me.
The second one to me - as I'm sure you realize - related directly to Poe and was very good but a bit long-winded to me.
The first one was visual in its simplicity and invoked images of jewelry boxes and the magic they hold for little girls everywhere who open them to see the ballerina twirl. Nicely done.
A definite yes to publish from me.
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 7:26 PM PDT
This is my kind of poetry. You are one of the few poets on here whose poems I understand the first time I read them. Loved all three of them, but especially the first two.
Louise
Louise
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 7:22 PM PDT
Wonderful. Move over Edgar A. Poe.
Louise
Louise
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 7:04 PM PDT
I voted and wish only I could vote again and again! These are fantastic poems. I loved forevermore the first time I read it, and thought it would be my favorite here, but then I read "Heavy is the head that wears the crown" and that was a brilliant, beautiful piece that I really hope to see published; it most certainly deserves to be. Fantastic job; you are a very talented poet. Good luck!
=) lucy
=) lucy
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 6:46 PM PDT
This is really good. I like it. Keep it up.
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 5:56 PM PDT
These were fantastic. I love Poe and really enjoyed reading Forevermore with the Raven's pov. Good luck with the contest!
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 5:53 PM PDT
I loved this, you're really good at the whole rhyming thing and your flow of words is unique. I guess you know what my vote was. ^^
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 5:32 PM PDT
I cannot leave any deep or worthwhile feedback, but I very much enjoyed your work. G'Luck
jfx
jfx
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 5:27 PM PDT
Your work is amazing.
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 5:25 PM PDT
Your poems are amazing! The words flow easily and the emotion behind them are clear. Your a great writer so keep it up!! ^_^
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 3:47 PM PDT
Wow......just....wow. They all have such a rhythm that just flows off your tongue as you read. My personal favorite was "Forevermore", being a Poe fan. But i did enjoy the others as well. You have quite a talent when it comes to rhyming schemes it seems. Lol. Anyways, very well done. I hopw you create so more later on down the road. I would love to read them.
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 4:36 AM PDT
Wow, I love them! I think I liked Jewelry Box Dancer the best! Keep up the good work! You've got my vote!
If you have the time....http://www.webook.com/project/Simple-3
Thanks!
If you have the time....http://www.webook.com/project/Simple-3
Thanks!
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 4:02 AM PDT
These are all beautiful poems telling stories masterfully. The language is both painterly and emotive.
I thought the story of the jewellery box dancer was lovely - possibly metaphorical? Lots of possibilities if it is.
'Forevermore' particularly struck me - I know it's a good poem if it makes me want to know the story behind it. Any hints? Who's the man? Who's Lenore? Anymore details about the setting? It always makes for a more memorable poem if there are so many questions after reading.
As for the head that wears the crown, that was very moving and poignant. I think the fact that it only touches on the subject of war as opposed to being a full-blown tirade makes it more powerful. It's painting the picture of reality rather than dictating the thoughts of the reader by overwhelming them with your true opinion. It easy to feel strongly enough about something to write about it and yet remain objective, but I think you managed it really well.
These are three beautiful poems and you certainly have my vote.
I thought the story of the jewellery box dancer was lovely - possibly metaphorical? Lots of possibilities if it is.
'Forevermore' particularly struck me - I know it's a good poem if it makes me want to know the story behind it. Any hints? Who's the man? Who's Lenore? Anymore details about the setting? It always makes for a more memorable poem if there are so many questions after reading.
As for the head that wears the crown, that was very moving and poignant. I think the fact that it only touches on the subject of war as opposed to being a full-blown tirade makes it more powerful. It's painting the picture of reality rather than dictating the thoughts of the reader by overwhelming them with your true opinion. It easy to feel strongly enough about something to write about it and yet remain objective, but I think you managed it really well.
These are three beautiful poems and you certainly have my vote.
This Feedback was...
8/29/2009 12:31 AM PDT
Marvellous, you are a creative genius, love Wennie xxxhugs
This Feedback was...
8/28/2009 4:06 PM PDT
Wow nice!
This Feedback was...
8/28/2009 12:37 PM PDT
All very good poems, I vote to publish. Good luck.
This Feedback was...
8/28/2009 8:54 AM PDT
Your first piece is sad but beautifully written with the imagery and comparison you used. The second, well, Poe would be proud. All I can say about the last one is WOW! The insight in this poem is absouletely amazing, powerful, and strong.
If you are as powerful behind the gun as the pen- truly, you are a force to be reckoned with.
Nice work, and best of luck!
If you are as powerful behind the gun as the pen- truly, you are a force to be reckoned with.
Nice work, and best of luck!
This Feedback was...
8/28/2009 8:01 AM PDT
wow, these were amazing. I could understand them clearly but they hold so much symbolism and just flow so sweetly... I very much enjoyed them and hope they do get published :)
plz check mine out as well :)
http://www.webook.com/project/The-best-of-karlyJoyce
you definently have a talent for poetry, keep writing, i hope to read more of your work soon :D
plz check mine out as well :)
http://www.webook.com/project/The-best-of-karlyJoyce
you definently have a talent for poetry, keep writing, i hope to read more of your work soon :D
This Feedback was...
8/27/2009 2:34 PM PDT
i enjoyed all of your poems, but being the poe fan i am...i love the fact that you wrote from the other perspective. outstanding.
This Feedback was...
8/27/2009 9:13 AM PDT
General:
"Jewerly box dancer" - is simply EXCELLENT! I loved everything about it :) I vote PUBLISH as I would want to read this poem again & again!
"Forevermore" - A bit too long for a poem, I got a little lost on the way. This is an excellent write though...I'm not being negative! May-be break this one down into 2 poems.
Good luck :)
From the UK - Mahoney X
Imagery:
"Jewerly box dancer" - "What a lovely story to tell"..... I could see everything in this poem :) Fantastic my friend!
"Jewerly box dancer" - is simply EXCELLENT! I loved everything about it :) I vote PUBLISH as I would want to read this poem again & again!
"Forevermore" - A bit too long for a poem, I got a little lost on the way. This is an excellent write though...I'm not being negative! May-be break this one down into 2 poems.
Good luck :)
From the UK - Mahoney X
Imagery:
"Jewerly box dancer" - "What a lovely story to tell"..... I could see everything in this poem :) Fantastic my friend!
This Feedback was...
8/27/2009 7:46 AM PDT
I vote to publish
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 10:38 PM PDT
Carefully and well-crafted poems. My favorite is Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown. I vote for that.
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 5:38 PM PDT
Great poetry. Nice job and good luck with the vote
Here's the link to my poetry if you haven't vote for me please take a look
http://www.webook.com/project/Oppression-Hope-Freedom
thanks
Here's the link to my poetry if you haven't vote for me please take a look
http://www.webook.com/project/Oppression-Hope-Freedom
thanks
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 4:49 PM PDT
Good read, thx Lody
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 4:03 PM PDT
Enjoyed all three poems. A yes vote from me.
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 3:31 PM PDT
I like the Jewelry box dancer it was really sweet and the poem had a nice flow to it. Forevermore was a lil too long, but it did have great imagery. And the last, Heavy is the head that wears the crown, was pretty good and emotional. I vote yes for all three!
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 3:26 PM PDT
I loved all three, but my favorite by far has be forevermore. Very well done you have my vote!
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 3:11 PM PDT
all three, well done.
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 2:37 PM PDT
my vote is in. nice project. check out my project.
http://www.webook.com/project/Three-Verses-of-Gold
http://www.webook.com/project/Three-Verses-of-Gold
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 2:16 PM PDT
I like these a lot you have my publish vote :)
if you have time please check mine out :)
http://www.webook.com/project/Poetic-Chills
if you have time please check mine out :)
http://www.webook.com/project/Poetic-Chills
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 2:15 PM PDT
My favorite is "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown",
especially its first line:
Helmets for war are the modern kings' crowns
I voted publish.
especially its first line:
Helmets for war are the modern kings' crowns
I voted publish.
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 1:45 PM PDT
Form:
You definitely have some of the better poems with regard to rhyme schemes. I don't feel like I am cheated or forced into believing the rhyme.
Imagery:
I think the best image you deliver is the jewelry box dancer. I can picture it perfectly, even though there are no concrete images that describe the dancer itself.
Musicality:
Good use of meter, not many people are aware of it, especially with rhyme schemes.
Good luck!
http://www.webook.com/project/The-Romantic-the-Sucidial-and-the-Tortured-Soul
You definitely have some of the better poems with regard to rhyme schemes. I don't feel like I am cheated or forced into believing the rhyme.
Imagery:
I think the best image you deliver is the jewelry box dancer. I can picture it perfectly, even though there are no concrete images that describe the dancer itself.
Musicality:
Good use of meter, not many people are aware of it, especially with rhyme schemes.
Good luck!
http://www.webook.com/project/The-Romantic-the-Sucidial-and-the-Tortured-Soul
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 1:22 PM PDT
You have my vote
I love your first poem much as it brought such different images to my head, your imagery with words is lovely :D I espechially (sorry my spelling haha) loved this bit:
My life slowly spins in circles
though I go nowhere at all.
I just stay here in this box
and wait for you to call.
It just made such a wicked image i had to say!
And i also liked your rhyming with certain words it made the poetry flow better :D
So well done and keep up the writing and poetry and as i said before you have my vote!! x Good luck in the competition!!!
I love your first poem much as it brought such different images to my head, your imagery with words is lovely :D I espechially (sorry my spelling haha) loved this bit:
My life slowly spins in circles
though I go nowhere at all.
I just stay here in this box
and wait for you to call.
It just made such a wicked image i had to say!
And i also liked your rhyming with certain words it made the poetry flow better :D
So well done and keep up the writing and poetry and as i said before you have my vote!! x Good luck in the competition!!!
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 1:21 PM PDT
Grand work, brillaint. Jewelery Box Dancer is my fav.
Cheers
Colleen
Cheers
Colleen
This Feedback was...
8/26/2009 1:15 PM PDT
Very good! Excellent in fact! my favorite was Jewelery Box Dancer was my favorite! Good Luck in the cometition!
This Feedback was...
8/24/2009 2:30 PM PDT
You know my feelings from when I reviewed them before so will not go all over them again. Suffice to say, I love them!!!!
The best of luck with the comp.
http://www.webook.com/project/My-3-Emotive-Entries
The best of luck with the comp.
http://www.webook.com/project/My-3-Emotive-Entries
This Feedback was...
8/22/2009 8:24 PM PDT
Excellent. A Raven's answer to Poe's poem. No-one could have done it better.
I vote publish, publish, publish.
I vote publish, publish, publish.
This Feedback was...
8/21/2009 12:39 PM PDT
Lody you are well amazing glad to have you as a friend!! Im the lucky one!! Why cant i be younger!!!! But lets go to sturgis!!!!
This Feedback was...
8/19/2009 10:44 AM PDT
Wow! Forevermore is AWESOME! It's clear that you are answering "The Raven" from the viewpoint of the Raven. No one has thought of this before, and it is interesting when you put a very different twist on the thoughts of this bird that has never before had a voice. Loved it!
This Feedback was...
8/18/2009 8:33 AM PDT
I loved Jewelry Box Dancer, it made me think so much and brought many passed memories.
This Feedback was...
8/18/2009 7:21 AM PDT
Yet again I loved the chance to read your work.
Will say that Jewelry Box dancer was cute - I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if you wrote it in thoughts of having it really relate to people but I was able to read it and it automatically reformed into a life situation for me. Not including a music box but the feelings of being somewhere and only being affected when that one person/thing is there. I loved it.
Then I saw Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown. It is another win in my mind being I've seen that one before. Back when I first read that one it really stuck out to me and yet still stood out this time around. It's simple yet sends out such a powerful message!
I hope things work out and things get published! You really deserve it and absolutely have my vote! :]
Will say that Jewelry Box dancer was cute - I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if you wrote it in thoughts of having it really relate to people but I was able to read it and it automatically reformed into a life situation for me. Not including a music box but the feelings of being somewhere and only being affected when that one person/thing is there. I loved it.
Then I saw Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown. It is another win in my mind being I've seen that one before. Back when I first read that one it really stuck out to me and yet still stood out this time around. It's simple yet sends out such a powerful message!
I hope things work out and things get published! You really deserve it and absolutely have my vote! :]
This Feedback was...
8/17/2009 11:57 PM PDT
Three very different poems.
considering how long for ever more is I thought you did really well to write such a nice poem of that length
publish and good luck
considering how long for ever more is I thought you did really well to write such a nice poem of that length
publish and good luck
This Feedback was...
8/17/2009 9:12 AM PDT
Lovely. Here's my vote
This Feedback was...
8/14/2009 5:47 AM PDT
Really loved "Jewelry Box Dancer". Forevermore was also a good tribute to EAP (if that was the intention). Best of luck.
This Feedback was...
8/13/2009 6:57 PM PDT
I really like "Jewelry Box Dancer." But "Nevermore" seems to me like a rip off of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven"... or is it supposed to be like a variation of the same story? Other than that, it's good stuff. I like your style of writing. You got my vote. =)
This Feedback was...
8/12/2009 5:43 PM PDT
I think my favorite poem of yours is Forevermore, but they are all very well-written poems. Keep up the great writing! I hope your pieces get published!!!
This Feedback was...
8/12/2009 5:43 PM PDT
Heavy is the head that wears the crown-
Shakespeare's Henry IV. Part II, 1597
Wilt thou upon the high and giddy mast
Seal up the ship-boy's eyes, and rock his brains
In cradle of the rude imperious surge
And in the visitation of the winds,
Who take the ruffian billows by the top,
Curling their monstrous heads and hanging them
With deafening clamour in the slippery clouds,
That, with the hurly, death itself awakes?
Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose
To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude,
And in the calmest and most stillest night,
With all appliances and means to boot,
Deny it to a king? Then happy low, lie down!
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.
I thought your thinking seemed familiar; you must like a lot of the old poets because you have a very good knack at grabbing there wit for words. Any one who can do this; this well; should really keep writing.
Bravo
John McKinley Pride Jr (The Bear, The Devil and The Invisible Sun)
Shakespeare's Henry IV. Part II, 1597
Wilt thou upon the high and giddy mast
Seal up the ship-boy's eyes, and rock his brains
In cradle of the rude imperious surge
And in the visitation of the winds,
Who take the ruffian billows by the top,
Curling their monstrous heads and hanging them
With deafening clamour in the slippery clouds,
That, with the hurly, death itself awakes?
Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose
To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude,
And in the calmest and most stillest night,
With all appliances and means to boot,
Deny it to a king? Then happy low, lie down!
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.
I thought your thinking seemed familiar; you must like a lot of the old poets because you have a very good knack at grabbing there wit for words. Any one who can do this; this well; should really keep writing.
Bravo
John McKinley Pride Jr (The Bear, The Devil and The Invisible Sun)
This Feedback was...
8/11/2009 9:14 AM PDT
The Jewelry Box Dancer is a poem that a lot more people can relate to and so I think it makes that one the best. The third poem is very good as well. The second poem is good, but a little long. Fantastic job overall!
;)Brooke
;)Brooke
This Feedback was...
8/11/2009 9:05 AM PDT
I love this poem! It is so sweet and simple! Awesome job!
;)Brooke
;)Brooke
This Feedback was...
8/10/2009 6:34 PM PDT
Triumphant words as always
This Feedback was...
8/10/2009 4:58 PM PDT
General:
Beautiful
Form:
Your form was well written in this poem. Your style is a bit different but however I liked it.
Imagery:
Paints a picture of a managerie.
Tone:
Sadness and lament, but rejoiceful in the fact of having known the person.
Beautiful
Form:
Your form was well written in this poem. Your style is a bit different but however I liked it.
Imagery:
Paints a picture of a managerie.
Tone:
Sadness and lament, but rejoiceful in the fact of having known the person.
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8/10/2009 3:20 PM PDT
Well done! More than any other poetry I've read anywhere else, this reminds me of Robert E Howard's criminally underrated work in that area (if you haven't already, see if you can find "Life" and "The Legacy of Tubal-Cain"; both are a good fit for your work here). This is the simple straight poetry of a soldier. What it lacks in pretty, it makes up for in honesty. Personal favorite would have to be "Heavy Is The Head That Wears The Crown", which does a good job of equating the pain of soldiering with the past obligations of kings. "Forevermore" is a good, haunting take-off on Poe's most famous poem, capturing the same sense of despair in a completely modern context. Finally, "Jewelry Box Dancer" is a prayer of hope, which its narrator going in the face of utter hopelessness. You've got my vote. YES
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8/10/2009 1:56 PM PDT
This writing is beautiful. My favorite was "Jewelry Box Dancer." I loved all the symbolism in it. You show a true range of emotion and a flair for rhyme.
And by the way, the people telling you that all your rhymes aren't right should read some more poetry. Those are called slant rhymes (like unrest and mess) and are perfectly acceptable.
Good Work and Good Luck!
And by the way, the people telling you that all your rhymes aren't right should read some more poetry. Those are called slant rhymes (like unrest and mess) and are perfectly acceptable.
Good Work and Good Luck!
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8/10/2009 1:22 PM PDT
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8/10/2009 10:33 AM PDT
A great trio of poems that show you can write to a range of themes and styles.
You get my vote.
You get my vote.
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8/10/2009 9:53 AM PDT
This is some great stuff you have written. I voted publish. You have a way with rhyming words (which I tend to lack, LOL! I rhyme some time, but it doesn't have the same effect as your words do.). Keep up the great work.
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8/10/2009 8:19 AM PDT
I read all of your poems and voted publish.
The one that touched my heart the most is "Heavy is the head that wears the crown".
I wish you good luck, you should get published.
The one that touched my heart the most is "Heavy is the head that wears the crown".
I wish you good luck, you should get published.
This Feedback was...
8/10/2009 7:49 AM PDT
General:
You've got a great knack for looking at things from another perspective. For that alone, you should continue your work.
I thought the first line of the last stanza was awkward and that led me to:
The songs that start my dance
only play when you're around
Just open up your jewelry box
It's time to hear that sound
Form:
I might consider changing the title so that it is not obvious until the last stanza that you are talking about a jewelry box figure. Perhaps "Boxed Dancer" or "Dancer in a Box"
You've got a great knack for looking at things from another perspective. For that alone, you should continue your work.
I thought the first line of the last stanza was awkward and that led me to:
The songs that start my dance
only play when you're around
Just open up your jewelry box
It's time to hear that sound
Form:
I might consider changing the title so that it is not obvious until the last stanza that you are talking about a jewelry box figure. Perhaps "Boxed Dancer" or "Dancer in a Box"
This Feedback was...
8/10/2009 7:36 AM PDT
General:
To discover what it’s burning for.
I'd write:
To see what things it bore.
If only I would not have came" 'have came" should not be used.
I surely know what would be the best
If I now leave forevermore
May I suggest:
I surely know what'd be the best
If now I leave forevermore.
His mind in dream, is still a mess
May I suggest (only because I'm anal about endings--no pun intended):
His mind in dream, a horrid fest
Content:
Excellent creative take on the Raven's viewpoint. It's one of the few poems I ever memorized and you did it justice except that Poe didn't take as many liberties as you did with your rhymes.
Musicality:
Although, in speech, we often leave out endings, poetic rhymes call upon us to pronounce everything that the dictionary tells us to pronounce. Of unrest, mess, and best, mess doesn't cut it. There are other non-standard rhyming which, IMHO, should be corrected.
To discover what it’s burning for.
I'd write:
To see what things it bore.
If only I would not have came" 'have came" should not be used.
I surely know what would be the best
If I now leave forevermore
May I suggest:
I surely know what'd be the best
If now I leave forevermore.
His mind in dream, is still a mess
May I suggest (only because I'm anal about endings--no pun intended):
His mind in dream, a horrid fest
Content:
Excellent creative take on the Raven's viewpoint. It's one of the few poems I ever memorized and you did it justice except that Poe didn't take as many liberties as you did with your rhymes.
Musicality:
Although, in speech, we often leave out endings, poetic rhymes call upon us to pronounce everything that the dictionary tells us to pronounce. Of unrest, mess, and best, mess doesn't cut it. There are other non-standard rhyming which, IMHO, should be corrected.
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8/10/2009 7:13 AM PDT
Excellent analogy. Very dramatic poem of what it means to be engaged in another's war. I'll pass it along to my nephew who made it back with 'heavy burdens.'
I would write: The secrets you keep WOULD shock and astound, and it'd be more careful about the rhymes. Your rhymes are OK in a song but not in a poem. Give it more polish time and you'll come up with the right endings.
I would write: The secrets you keep WOULD shock and astound, and it'd be more careful about the rhymes. Your rhymes are OK in a song but not in a poem. Give it more polish time and you'll come up with the right endings.
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8/10/2009 6:41 AM PDT
Clever, rewriting Poe's "The Raven" put an interesting twist on a good piece of literature. Especially liked "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown", its like a piece of triboulet poetry but reversed in a sense. You have my vote, good luck.
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8/10/2009 5:49 AM PDT
Very nice trio of poems, the forevermore one was my favourite, great piece of writing, deserves to be published. The others weren't far behind mind you.
Good Luck :)
Good Luck :)
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8/10/2009 5:32 AM PDT
An excellent trio, each very different in tone and mood. You have my vote.
Traci
http://www.webook.com/project/Communion
Traci
http://www.webook.com/project/Communion
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8/10/2009 4:45 AM PDT
Loved forevermore
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8/10/2009 1:34 AM PDT
these are nice, you get my vote :)
goodluck
goodluck
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8/10/2009 1:07 AM PDT
Wow I love your first poem :D Its really good :)
Amber :)
Amber :)
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8/9/2009 10:07 PM PDT
Three excellent choices! I've commented before on how much I like Forevermore (with a nod to Poe). What a great idea to write a poem from the perspective of the raven! Your rhyming and imagery are outstanding. Good luck on the vote!
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8/9/2009 9:57 PM PDT
Your poems are very beautiful, and I especially like the first two. So I clicked on publish.
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8/9/2009 8:37 PM PDT
General:
The poem leaves me looking back on stuff in my own life and waondering about many things. i do like this peom though it leaves bitter feeling in my own life about my past. But as a reader i give you a good job because i reachs out to people.
Form:
I think on the form i like the words used but i think you should check out the idea of shape to a poem i think you should let loose and try the stylex stuff it might draw the eye. But the stylez for this poem you did very well.
Content:
It obvious as a reader and writer you've poored alot of your time and efforts into your writing and it shows in your writing.
Imagery:
I could follow the thoughts and imagine the poem happening in front of me like small clips of the persons memories. it was very art ful.
Tone:
The tone seemed sad and i has alot of meaning put into it. The tone is of someone alone and waiting. I say good job on conveying that.
Musicality:
I have no idea what Musicality but if it mean to make the peom into a song maybe but if it means to make it into a musical.. Well i don't think thats what it means though good job.
The poem leaves me looking back on stuff in my own life and waondering about many things. i do like this peom though it leaves bitter feeling in my own life about my past. But as a reader i give you a good job because i reachs out to people.
Form:
I think on the form i like the words used but i think you should check out the idea of shape to a poem i think you should let loose and try the stylex stuff it might draw the eye. But the stylez for this poem you did very well.
Content:
It obvious as a reader and writer you've poored alot of your time and efforts into your writing and it shows in your writing.
Imagery:
I could follow the thoughts and imagine the poem happening in front of me like small clips of the persons memories. it was very art ful.
Tone:
The tone seemed sad and i has alot of meaning put into it. The tone is of someone alone and waiting. I say good job on conveying that.
Musicality:
I have no idea what Musicality but if it mean to make the peom into a song maybe but if it means to make it into a musical.. Well i don't think thats what it means though good job.
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8/9/2009 7:41 PM PDT
Amazing writting, I could feel all the emotions come through in your poetry. You have my vote! ^__^
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8/9/2009 7:09 PM PDT
General:
These were absolutely amazing my friend.
Imagery:
I have to say Forevermore had the best imagery in my case.
Tone:
great tone in each its own. You have my vote.
~A.J
These were absolutely amazing my friend.
Imagery:
I have to say Forevermore had the best imagery in my case.
Tone:
great tone in each its own. You have my vote.
~A.J
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8/9/2009 7:07 PM PDT
Voted.
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8/9/2009 6:51 PM PDT
Here is my submission to read if you would be so kind.
http://www.webook.com/project/My-best-3-809-jwd
http://www.webook.com/project/My-best-3-809-jwd
This Feedback was...
8/9/2009 6:49 PM PDT
an enjoyable collection to read
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8/9/2009 6:40 PM PDT
General:
These are all great poems! Keep up the good work!
http://www.webook.com/project/Reminiscences
Content:
You have a way of choosing a subject other than yourself that is very interesting. I like the way 'Forevermore' leaves the reader guessing as to the subject speaking but the poem is still very powerful.
Imagery:
the imagery is beautiful! I like the snow on the windowsill in 'forevermore' and the whole poem of 'heavy is the head that wears the crown' leaves the reader with strong images both literally of someone wearing a heavy crown and each stanza weighs on the reader making them feel the pressures and weight that they carry.
Musicality:
your words are chosen very well and all your poems have a very nice flow making them very easy and enjoyable to read.
These are all great poems! Keep up the good work!
http://www.webook.com/project/Reminiscences
Content:
You have a way of choosing a subject other than yourself that is very interesting. I like the way 'Forevermore' leaves the reader guessing as to the subject speaking but the poem is still very powerful.
Imagery:
the imagery is beautiful! I like the snow on the windowsill in 'forevermore' and the whole poem of 'heavy is the head that wears the crown' leaves the reader with strong images both literally of someone wearing a heavy crown and each stanza weighs on the reader making them feel the pressures and weight that they carry.
Musicality:
your words are chosen very well and all your poems have a very nice flow making them very easy and enjoyable to read.
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8/9/2009 6:33 PM PDT
Really good stuff that's incredibly rhythmic and meaningful. It rhymes and manages to capture that musicality without sounding silly or childish at all; quite the opposite. The poems are solem and deep but a good read that I really enjoyed. You have my vote!
http://www.webook.com/poetry.aspx?p=48d1005587754888aa7317289a6909d9&sit=fb986093d902480da6e4eaf4d867f02f
http://www.webook.com/poetry.aspx?p=48d1005587754888aa7317289a6909d9&sit=fb986093d902480da6e4eaf4d867f02f
This Feedback was...
8/9/2009 6:33 PM PDT
could you take a look at mine?http://www.webook.com/project/Give-Up
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8/9/2009 6:30 PM PDT
You have my vote. Good luck.
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8/9/2009 6:30 PM PDT
All of these are great poems and I think you have fantastic views on things. I love your style and you have a yes from me.
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8/9/2009 6:30 PM PDT
publish! :)
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8/9/2009 6:19 PM PDT
I agree with Mr. Morrow. Your two shorter poems are very well written, and I enjoyed them very much. I hope my vote helps. Good luck!
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8/9/2009 6:05 PM PDT
You definitely have a way with words! I especially enjoyed "heavy is the head that wears the crown!" It was almost seamless in every aspect! However, your second poem, "Forevermore," runs a bit too long and feels like you didn't know how to stop; it seems like you couldn't decide whether to make it rhyme or be a free verse. So this interupts the flow from time to time. Good work in all! Keep it up!
This Feedback was...
8/9/2009 5:49 PM PDT
I voted publish. Great job!
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8/9/2009 5:49 PM PDT
You got my vote.The last is my favourite.
http://www.webook.com/project/My-Top-Three
http://www.webook.com/project/My-Top-Three
This Feedback was...
8/9/2009 5:19 PM PDT
These are really nice poems. I totally vote that you get these publish. They are really emotional. Awesome job.
Yes to publish!!!
Best of wishes,
Ana
Yes to publish!!!
Best of wishes,
Ana
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8/9/2009 1:25 PM PDT
Brilliant. Got my vote :D
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8/9/2009 12:29 PM PDT
good luck :)
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8/9/2009 11:46 AM PDT
Excellent! Beautiful poetry! You got my vote!. Good luck.
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8/9/2009 11:39 AM PDT
i'm not a big fan of rhyming as i overused it years ago to the point that i can hardly stand it now, but your poems seemed sweet. and it's just a personal style preference thing, so i'll give you a vote.
have a great day! :)
have a great day! :)
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8/8/2009 9:40 PM PDT
Lody,
My impression after reading your entries is an improved and more mature form of writing since the last voting cycle. It seems you have taken some of the edge off of your phrasing and for me this brings the themes into a perspective that is easier for me to empathize with, so, great work!
Omanh
My impression after reading your entries is an improved and more mature form of writing since the last voting cycle. It seems you have taken some of the edge off of your phrasing and for me this brings the themes into a perspective that is easier for me to empathize with, so, great work!
Omanh
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8/7/2009 2:31 PM PDT
Of coarse "Forevermore" should be published!
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8/7/2009 2:15 PM PDT
I loved your poem, "Forevermore". It was the first long poem of Lody's I read. It reminded me a lot of a fresh, new spin on Edgar Allen Poe's works: "Lenore", "The Raven" and a bit of "The Tell Tale Heart." The form was ingenious! You may want to watch some grammatical areas though. Could the poem also be classified under short stories? Some of Poe's poems I mentioned were classified as such. It's a good length. Check out the prerequisites. You will be the first to enter a short story and possibly get published.
This Feedback was...
8/7/2009 11:56 AM PDT
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8/7/2009 11:39 AM PDT
another rare beautiful word grouping. again i commend you!
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8/7/2009 11:37 AM PDT
the first poem was nice and sweet, however, this second poem is fantastic. congratulations.
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8/7/2009 11:30 AM PDT
LODY,
this is a very good poem.the tenderness of romance is beautiful.
this is a very good poem.the tenderness of romance is beautiful.
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8/6/2009 1:34 PM PDT
i like these a lot, these are my kind of poetry, i vote yes, good luck in the vote
http://www.webook.com/project/My-Poetic-Thoughts-and-Rambles
http://www.webook.com/project/My-Poetic-Thoughts-and-Rambles
This Feedback was...
8/6/2009 12:17 PM PDT
These three pieces are excellent representations of your talent. Being a real Poe fan I loved "Forevermore".... it does true justice to the great poet and his raven.....
if you have the time...
http://www.webook.com/project/Three-of-my-best-Poems
if you have the time...
http://www.webook.com/project/Three-of-my-best-Poems
This Feedback was...
8/6/2009 11:59 AM PDT
General:
Your approach is wonderful and refreshing, I like your style. You used form in your poems. I liked that.
Form:
The forms you used, what were they? I also liked the syllabic count, very nice.
Imagery:
The imagery was fascinating, I enjoyed that thouroughly, the raven, one of my favorite poems. smiles. Nica
Tone:
The tone was very interesting, I felt I was reading a book all ready, I like that, Publish for sure!
Your approach is wonderful and refreshing, I like your style. You used form in your poems. I liked that.
Form:
The forms you used, what were they? I also liked the syllabic count, very nice.
Imagery:
The imagery was fascinating, I enjoyed that thouroughly, the raven, one of my favorite poems. smiles. Nica
Tone:
The tone was very interesting, I felt I was reading a book all ready, I like that, Publish for sure!
This Feedback was...
8/6/2009 7:50 AM PDT
what a wonderful poem i wish you all the luck in the world
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8/6/2009 6:36 AM PDT
Man I wish I ha all of your readers. You have got talent my man. Send some of your readers my way. LOL
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8/6/2009 6:34 AM PDT
I loved "Heavyis the Head that wears the Crown". That is wonderful
Jewelry Box Dancer is nicely sentimental. Nothing wrong with that.
Forevermore is very ambitous, It needs more time. Reread Poe and feel it's meter and rhyms. You are very close on that one being great.
I still vote for publish
Jewelry Box Dancer is nicely sentimental. Nothing wrong with that.
Forevermore is very ambitous, It needs more time. Reread Poe and feel it's meter and rhyms. You are very close on that one being great.
I still vote for publish
This Feedback was...
8/6/2009 4:01 AM PDT
A vote yes.
``Forevermore`` is brilliant.
Seen through the eyes of the raven, this ode to Edgar Allan Poe`s poem is truly magnificient.
Good luck in the vote:)
``Forevermore`` is brilliant.
Seen through the eyes of the raven, this ode to Edgar Allan Poe`s poem is truly magnificient.
Good luck in the vote:)
This Feedback was...
8/6/2009 2:36 AM PDT
poems 1 and 3 were my favourites, well done, a yes vote
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8/5/2009 11:18 PM PDT
Dan, you know how I feel about your poetry, keep it up, your hard work WILL pay off! The Jewelry Box Dancer is new and I love it!
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8/5/2009 10:19 PM PDT
General:
Don't get me wrong the poem I reviewed is your first tone. I read all three. Your second one is a bit long and hard to read, but your last one about the crowns, I liked very much. (Vet.) You did a super Job, I voted to Publish for that that one alone.
Yep I voted a thumbs up. I could not resist critiquing your weakest link.
Form:
very simple and sweet love poem. To someone skimming through poetry works or just light reading to pass the time, this poem is fine. The rhymes are very neat.
Content:
I don't understand if the writer is missing his girl or that he lives in her presence through her trinkets? Time stands still when she is not around but she doesn't have to be around to be around. And though the beauty in the old pictures fade he still holds a warm affection for their memories. The writer seems content to focus on the limiting circumstances of the box, by taking refuge in a sentimental keepsake. I am wondering about the reunion that would be a nice stanza.
Imagery:
imagery is not as strong as it could have been but adequate.
Tone:
this poem has an incredible feel to it. The poem works if for no other reason than the writers ability to convey his emotion; even when the descriptives do not always make the most sense, I think the emotions still come through amazingly well.
Musicality:
great rhythm and rhyme. Very good job!
Don't get me wrong the poem I reviewed is your first tone. I read all three. Your second one is a bit long and hard to read, but your last one about the crowns, I liked very much. (Vet.) You did a super Job, I voted to Publish for that that one alone.
Yep I voted a thumbs up. I could not resist critiquing your weakest link.
Form:
very simple and sweet love poem. To someone skimming through poetry works or just light reading to pass the time, this poem is fine. The rhymes are very neat.
Content:
I don't understand if the writer is missing his girl or that he lives in her presence through her trinkets? Time stands still when she is not around but she doesn't have to be around to be around. And though the beauty in the old pictures fade he still holds a warm affection for their memories. The writer seems content to focus on the limiting circumstances of the box, by taking refuge in a sentimental keepsake. I am wondering about the reunion that would be a nice stanza.
Imagery:
imagery is not as strong as it could have been but adequate.
Tone:
this poem has an incredible feel to it. The poem works if for no other reason than the writers ability to convey his emotion; even when the descriptives do not always make the most sense, I think the emotions still come through amazingly well.
Musicality:
great rhythm and rhyme. Very good job!
This Feedback was...
8/5/2009 10:01 PM PDT
A very personable trilogy of poems. To me, (even without your picture) I would have thought you were in the military. Your poetry screams for a safe haven where the demons will leave you alone. Only you keep inside the price paid for wearing that heavy king's crown. Afraid to share because others might think you the monster instead of you fighting the monsters that threaten everyone. I may be off base but that is what I see in these.
Niyah
Niyah
This Feedback was...
8/5/2009 8:43 PM PDT
Awesome i like your project, good luck i voted for ya buddy.
This Feedback was...
8/5/2009 7:48 PM PDT
I loved 'Jewelry Box Dancer' the most. I could most identify with it. You are a great poet, keep writing, you are very good. Please go to my page and read my poetry and critique me. Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Tamara Lesley
Sincerely,
Tamara Lesley
This Feedback was...
8/5/2009 7:23 PM PDT
nice job. its a yes for me.
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8/5/2009 6:34 PM PDT
I liked all three poems, however I would have to say that "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown", was my favorite.
Publish!
Publish!
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8/5/2009 6:04 PM PDT
Yes vote for all three
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8/5/2009 5:57 PM PDT
Well done.
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8/5/2009 5:39 PM PDT
Its good, I liked it I vote to publish!
http://www.webook.com/project/My-Top-3-By-Ben
now can you have a look at mine
http://www.webook.com/project/My-Top-3-By-Ben
now can you have a look at mine
This Feedback was...
8/5/2009 12:26 PM PDT
Good form my friend....You got some real talent bro. You can take this to new heights
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8/4/2009 9:41 PM PDT
three well written pieces of poetry, that give you a small idea of this authors spectrum of talent. there is no option this work deserves and should be published. If this contest has any credibility then this one should be in the top contenders. Russ♫♪♫♪♥♥♥
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8/4/2009 6:03 PM PDT
Truly inspiring. Well crafted. You have my vote.
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8/4/2009 4:06 PM PDT
Three excellant poems. I have already left feedback for them previously. Just to say you have my vote. They deserve to be published. Well done.
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8/4/2009 3:26 PM PDT
First off I just wanted to thank you for asking me to read these. They are just amazing.
I loved the first one about the jewlery box dancer. It reminded me of my own jewlery box that i had as a child.
Forevermore, was fantastic. I'm not quite sure if it's what you meant but I kept getting the sense that it was "The Raven" by edgar allen poe from the ravens perspective. If that's what you were going for you hit it on the head.
Your last poem here, about how heavy the head who wears the helmet is. It's just great! I know I've never served in combat, but I have a brother who has, and you can tell that there are things he has experienced while wearing that "crown" that just eat him alive.
The verse in all of them are great, they're set up in really good form. Your imagery is just spot on. They're just all great. You should totally publish these.
I loved the first one about the jewlery box dancer. It reminded me of my own jewlery box that i had as a child.
Forevermore, was fantastic. I'm not quite sure if it's what you meant but I kept getting the sense that it was "The Raven" by edgar allen poe from the ravens perspective. If that's what you were going for you hit it on the head.
Your last poem here, about how heavy the head who wears the helmet is. It's just great! I know I've never served in combat, but I have a brother who has, and you can tell that there are things he has experienced while wearing that "crown" that just eat him alive.
The verse in all of them are great, they're set up in really good form. Your imagery is just spot on. They're just all great. You should totally publish these.
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8/4/2009 1:42 PM PDT
Lody,
Real talent, my friend. Your discipline with rhyme and meter is noted and appreciated as well as the import of the messages. Your knack at forming the background and then introducing the subject is unique and wonderfully done. You have my vote to publish, my new found friend.
Please stop by and give my project a look see...
http://www.webook.com/project/penbuddys-best-3-poems
blessings, bud
Real talent, my friend. Your discipline with rhyme and meter is noted and appreciated as well as the import of the messages. Your knack at forming the background and then introducing the subject is unique and wonderfully done. You have my vote to publish, my new found friend.
Please stop by and give my project a look see...
http://www.webook.com/project/penbuddys-best-3-poems
blessings, bud
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 1:10 PM PDT
I am not a competent critic of poetry. My attempts at poetry were influenced by the Romantics and the Victorians and were terrible attempts I can assure you. That said, I did enjoy your work because I sense a story in them. I am a novelist, so I am interested mostly in story.
In "Jewelry Box Dancer" I got a POV I did not expect; why not fantasize about what the dancer make of his/her place and the world around them. I would say that I sensed we are all dancers on a music box trying to make sense of our life and the moment we are in.
"Forevermore" is another point of view that surprised me. I never thought of the raven in Poe's poem as having a life or an observation. But why not? In the same vein I would like to see Prince Charming's POV; was he raised to be charming and nothing else?
"Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown" led me to know you were a soldier. You have worn that "crown." Another very intriguing POV. I have never been a soldier, yet I felt the weight of that helmet/crown you describe.
One point about punctuation in "Forevermore": you might employ punctuation to isolate ideas and phases you want to punch. I found it a tad hard to follow.
I sincerely hope you get published.
In "Jewelry Box Dancer" I got a POV I did not expect; why not fantasize about what the dancer make of his/her place and the world around them. I would say that I sensed we are all dancers on a music box trying to make sense of our life and the moment we are in.
"Forevermore" is another point of view that surprised me. I never thought of the raven in Poe's poem as having a life or an observation. But why not? In the same vein I would like to see Prince Charming's POV; was he raised to be charming and nothing else?
"Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown" led me to know you were a soldier. You have worn that "crown." Another very intriguing POV. I have never been a soldier, yet I felt the weight of that helmet/crown you describe.
One point about punctuation in "Forevermore": you might employ punctuation to isolate ideas and phases you want to punch. I found it a tad hard to follow.
I sincerely hope you get published.
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 12:51 PM PDT
General:
Nice job with "Nevermore." -- PUBLISH!
It's been awhile since I read Poe's version, but from what I recall, you've covered "the other side of the looking glass" quite effectively. Well done.
Tone:
Jewelry Box Dancer is a nice counter-point to your other more serious poems.
Musicality:
Good cadence throughout most of "Nevermore," - here and there I got snagged on an "extra" syllable that threw me off a bit. Nothing major though -- especially given the clever idea behind the poem.
Overall, strong candidates. Good Luck.
Nice job with "Nevermore." -- PUBLISH!
It's been awhile since I read Poe's version, but from what I recall, you've covered "the other side of the looking glass" quite effectively. Well done.
Tone:
Jewelry Box Dancer is a nice counter-point to your other more serious poems.
Musicality:
Good cadence throughout most of "Nevermore," - here and there I got snagged on an "extra" syllable that threw me off a bit. Nothing major though -- especially given the clever idea behind the poem.
Overall, strong candidates. Good Luck.
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 9:50 AM PDT
I have written about soldiers that I taught. They became the subject for one of my Webook projects. I appreciate the burden you highlight in "Heavy is the Head..." You do it justice in so few words!
I also liked "Jewelry Box Dancer" very much. I think your work should be published.
I also liked "Jewelry Box Dancer" very much. I think your work should be published.
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 9:27 AM PDT
I checked your entryt poetry last week and left my feedback so this is me just popping on to vote for you. Good luck. Your stuff is really deep and well written, i am sure you will do great.
Sarah
Sarah
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 8:51 AM PDT
DEEP!!!YOU HAVE MY VOTE MAKE SURE U VOTE FOR MINE AS WELL
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 7:48 AM PDT
you have my vote.
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 7:19 AM PDT
I like the comparison, very clever
This Feedback was...
8/4/2009 2:57 AM PDT
I have re-read all your poems. They are in depth and very well expressed - I just do not know how to give my best compliment. But - I VOTE for you. Best of luck.
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 8:24 PM PDT
General:
All the poems are very well written. I have not found a poem by this author that I haven't liked they are all excellent and moving. Thank you Lody for your gifted poetry.
Form:
The form is of the ballad in all the poems with perfect rhyme and flow. The words used are moving and thought provoking.
Content:
In the content the author explores human nature, honor, pride and discontent due to battles fought both in war and in the average everyday existance. But love also is expressed and hope for better things to come.
Imagery:
The imagery is marvelous and is reminds me of the master poets of the 1800's. I especiall enjoyed Forevermore but the Jewel Box was beautifully written.
Tone:
The tone was somber in the last two poems and wishful in the first and full of love as if sent to a sweetheart back home while in a war zone.
Musicality:
The first was musical but the last were not but they were all wonderful poems by a very talented write.
All the poems are very well written. I have not found a poem by this author that I haven't liked they are all excellent and moving. Thank you Lody for your gifted poetry.
Form:
The form is of the ballad in all the poems with perfect rhyme and flow. The words used are moving and thought provoking.
Content:
In the content the author explores human nature, honor, pride and discontent due to battles fought both in war and in the average everyday existance. But love also is expressed and hope for better things to come.
Imagery:
The imagery is marvelous and is reminds me of the master poets of the 1800's. I especiall enjoyed Forevermore but the Jewel Box was beautifully written.
Tone:
The tone was somber in the last two poems and wishful in the first and full of love as if sent to a sweetheart back home while in a war zone.
Musicality:
The first was musical but the last were not but they were all wonderful poems by a very talented write.
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 7:50 PM PDT
Forevermore is well done. It's not important to the reader how a bird can speak or think, that's part of the mystery. That said, there is no cause as to why the bird guesses at the word Lenore. In The Raven we can guess that the man has gone mad, but here we are given cause for all the rest, just not the first guessing of the exact name that means the most to the man. Also you mix present and past tense and let the meter slip a little in spots, dropping syllables, but it builds tension nicely and is a very good read.
A teacher I once had felt that poems from an animal's or a music box's point of view were overly sentimental, but it never bothered me as much.
My brother is in the Army so I appreciated the soldier poem as well. Good stuff.
A teacher I once had felt that poems from an animal's or a music box's point of view were overly sentimental, but it never bothered me as much.
My brother is in the Army so I appreciated the soldier poem as well. Good stuff.
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 6:06 PM PDT
@.@ Forevermore rocks @.@ what a twist jojojo never expected to read the other side @.@ thanks a lot for the experience =D good luck =D
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 5:39 PM PDT
It is so beautiful that I can hear the tingles of the jewelry box, and I can feel such great love.
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 5:21 PM PDT
Publish. I love forevermore. CF
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 4:51 PM PDT
Good God Almighty, son! How old are you? This in one of the most enigmatic and mesmerizing poems I have EVER read. This poem reminds me of the poets in the golden age, a Robert Frost, Edgar Allen Poe sort of mixture. I absolutely loved it.
There is secret meaning there that belongs only to you. Yet you have given me the desire to find out what that meaning is. I will ponder this one for some time. That's what great writing does, leave the reader wanting more...
You got my vote, BTW, and I am honored to accept your invitation of friendship.
Tell me, when were you, or are you still, in Iraq? This I only assume from the pics you have chosen to post of yourself.
If so, let me know...I have questions as to how you can write so beautifully surrounded by chaos. Or maybe that's your salvation?
Respond when you feel like it.
I got selected in the vote too, but I've heard it's really a lot of backs slapping other backs.
This is not the case here. You deserve my vote, as far as I'm concerned.
Take care,
Susan
There is secret meaning there that belongs only to you. Yet you have given me the desire to find out what that meaning is. I will ponder this one for some time. That's what great writing does, leave the reader wanting more...
You got my vote, BTW, and I am honored to accept your invitation of friendship.
Tell me, when were you, or are you still, in Iraq? This I only assume from the pics you have chosen to post of yourself.
If so, let me know...I have questions as to how you can write so beautifully surrounded by chaos. Or maybe that's your salvation?
Respond when you feel like it.
I got selected in the vote too, but I've heard it's really a lot of backs slapping other backs.
This is not the case here. You deserve my vote, as far as I'm concerned.
Take care,
Susan
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 4:44 PM PDT
interesting work I give it a yes
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 8:23 AM PDT
Good stuff I like all of your poems!
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 7:32 AM PDT
Forevermore is such a good piece...
This Feedback was...
8/3/2009 2:42 AM PDT
good job you got my vote
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 9:37 PM PDT
Great job, you got my vote!!
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 9:02 PM PDT
All the best Lody :)
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 7:44 PM PDT
good luck
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 7:40 PM PDT
hope you get the votes u need, good luck!
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 7:37 PM PDT
good luck Dan!
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 4:03 PM PDT
yes! Love them.
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 12:28 PM PDT
Good luck Dan!!!!
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 1:09 AM PDT
A yes vote.
This Feedback was...
8/2/2009 12:19 AM PDT
my vote is in good luck
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 7:18 PM PDT
The second poem was my favorite. I am a huge Poe fan, and yet the thought has never crossed my mind to hear the ravens side of the story. This was absolutely brilliant! You have my vote, forevermore!
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 4:39 PM PDT
all are good but this one Heavy is the head that wears the crown
is the best, great form, theme isstrong, emotions pure and vital.
is the best, great form, theme isstrong, emotions pure and vital.
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 3:48 PM PDT
voted...
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 3:34 PM PDT
Got my vote, mainly based on my favorite of yours: "Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown."
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 3:17 PM PDT
well derka derr!!! Of COURSE I'd give you a yes vote, I LOVED your poems! :)
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 1:54 PM PDT
Terrific.
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 12:26 PM PDT
Voted. Good luck. Please vote for me, too.
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 10:03 AM PDT
You've got my vote...luck
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 5:17 AM PDT
My favorite is "Forever more" .Wish you luck! Voted
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 4:52 AM PDT
DONE! good luck!
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 3:20 AM PDT
voted
This Feedback was...
8/1/2009 2:34 AM PDT
You have my vote. Well done, fellow writer—and good luck.
Keep up the awesomeness, indeed.
Keep up the awesomeness, indeed.
This Feedback was...
7/10/2009 12:53 PM PDT
I got off work early...Yeah! Now I can take look at your stuff.
This Feedback was...
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