Redemption's Dawn

A girl's choices lead her to the loss of her family and to a life in hiding to save her own life.

Melissa Heart, thought a life of drugs and partying was fun and completely harmless, but when her parents and little brother are murdered and her own life is also on the line, she can't help, but wonder if the choices she made got her in the mess she's in.
Now she must accept help from a Chicago Police Detective, and relatives she hasn't seen in years to help save her life and find her families killer, but Melissa soon discovers more than her life is at stake, for the killer is trying for an e ... more »

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Earlier Feedback

SerenaRivera

4/23/2012 2:40 AM PDT

Character Development:
I definitely like the idea of a vulnerable character trying to save herself from further falling in spirals and turning her own life around in order to give justice for her family.

Sketcha

1/14/2012 3:13 PM PST

General:
a couple of times you don't need to meantion the voice because you can go a couple lines without adding extras like "the voice was impatient" as the reader can figure it out a little.

I think this can be a really good story. Next chapter please

Plot:
Good. It's mysterious with this man answering the phone.

Structure:
More description in between the conversation or else it's too consistent and the reader goes in a trance. Maybe some backstory on the girl or the murder? Maybe say how this man answering the phone feels about killing people or how the voice feels frustrated at the girl not being there?

philohern

1/14/2012 9:29 AM PST

This sounds very interesting. One note: you are using too many commas. You probably should work on the punctuation some. But it sounds from the introduction like your story has a lot of potential. I will read and rate the prologue soon. Thanks. Keep writing!