PLEASE NOTE!! I've re-wrote a lot of this now and have at present stopped updating this book here so at present, this is closed for comments. Thank you for stopping by. Shahw X

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This sounds like an interesting idea for a story, but the first sentence is very confusing as written. To fix it, try using active voice. "Vengeance" suggests that the family did something to the enemies first, so maybe that's not the best word choice for this... unless of course the family did something to the enemies.

From the second paragraph, it sounds like Stella and Esta are sisters, but you never established names in your opening, so this too is confusing. I would name the little girl who is abducted so the reader isn't jarred when you name drop.

Best of luck.

Great start on to read more.

Shaw, this is just a fantastic pitch. Very impressive. It needs a little work on the grammer, but nothing huge, and it still pulled me in and captured me. Well done. Reading on now.

this sounds amazing i will definitely read it

Please not ive added a Prologue - please read it! Shah ,X

Pls NOTE:    I'M ON HOLIDAY FROM 5TH SEPT 2009 FOR ONE WEEK IN PORTUGAL... HURRAH: GIMMI THE SUNSHINE!


 ;-)


              SHAH                


                       XXXX

Super read... cont wait for the rest.... Write!! XX

This is a really interesting story.... and well written.

omg

Chapter 2 is ready to read. Many thanks. Shah. X

Revisions have been made and chapter one is good to go... Read at your leisure folks... and enjoy. Shah. X

Ranzi, thanks for your idea of stalling Stella's job title etc, i think youre right actually, i didnt think it would matter much at first because there is A LOT about Stella to find out about, beleive me. My imagination is full of interesting ideas. Infact i'm going to have to change the first chapter again... which will be irritating to those of you who read it for me. What i will advise is that i write it, and as i 'finish' each bit i put it on for appraisal. Foir now thought, many thanks for reading it for me and for your feedback...its a big ask expecting you to read a book online...i try but i gotta say its hard work... much prefer it on a page!

So.....Many thanks everyone as always. Shah. XXX

I think you have a great imagination and I like how you describe the scenes and your dialogue in chapter 2 and 3. However the only thing that needs improvement is the first paragraph of chapter 1 as in my opinion it is not always the best option to let the reader discover first hand who this character is and what she does.

"I’m Stella, a 25-year-old reporter for a local newspaper, from an old sleepy village called Snape in Northern England...."

Let the reader be curious about her, who she is and what her story is maybe a few pages into the novel. Its just one opinion but in the end you know what is best for your book.

cheers

Cool, but I'm not rreally allowed to read witchcraft stuff. Sorry.

Interesting storyline, Shah!

I look forward to reading through it as time allows.

intriguing...

This is very much the first draft, so all proposals to improve will be concidered seriously, and will be grately appreciated.