Book Info
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Project Leader:
MitraLane
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Participants:
The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
Project Leader Only (Closed) -
Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Sci Fi/Fantasy -
Language:
English
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The Nazarene
Darkened Fantasy...in no traditional sense. Redefine your perceptions of Good & Evil. Revive your passion for a damn fine hero's journey.
GIVE FEEDBACK
I really loved your detail you put in your description. A lot of care went into it. I think mine needs a better summary. Definitely like seeing how you did, its compelling to see what your first chapter is like too, I'm reading on..
This Feedback was...
> On their first day in the sunroom, Ramaeus gave Milas her first weapon and informed her that she would carry it with her at all times, upon the pains of near death.
- I've heard of "upon pain of death" - but never "upon the pains of near death".
Perhaps you can show this. Maybe you can show her turning it over in her hands and casually mention she was to carry it. Umm... have her show it to us, then let the narrator play facilitator and tell us something about it? Maybe?
> She immediately jumped off the main road and scrambled through some brush to a narrow footpath she spotted snaking off toward the roar of the waterfall. The pathway twisted through the rocky terrain, tight and well worn. She followed it without attention, easily lulled into the odd complacency bred of the binding spell’s instilled familiarity.
Squatty fern patches lined the modest soil banks not overrun with gnarled root structure. The footing was consistently spotty, but Milas wandered without stumble or loss of purchase, vaguely enamored with the natural surroundings.
(I really liked the idea of this scene - and wanted to see it. So I played around with it - maybe it's "wrong" in that it doesn't fit right, and probably because I've screwed it all up - but, I just wanted to capture the intensity and reveal the revelation a little more gradually.)
- Arms flailing, she scrambled off the main road, then ran at full gait through some squatty ferns until reaching a narrow footpath. Tight and well-worn, it twisted through the rocky terrain like a snake, and she followed its undulations until she paused to catch her breath. Winded, she leaned against a tree, and as soon as her panting subsided, her ears twitched. Lifting her chin, she listened in the direction of the rumbling and roaring of a waterfall somewhere up ahead. She felt like she already knew it was there, but didn't know how, then squinted in confusion, perplexed by this sudden familiarity with an altogether unfamiliar place.
Continuing along at a easier pace, she became aware by increasing degrees that although the path's footing grew more treacherous, she could nevertheless hasten along without fear of stumbling, as though each step was one she'd taken a hundred times before. Stopping abruptly, her eyes fell to the binding bracelets on her wrists. "These must be his memories," she pondered aloud.
(IDK - I've probably screwed it up. But the idea was to tease the reader a little with the reminder of the binding spell.)
Although I think there might be a contradiction.
-Here you suggest that she has a familiarity with her surroundings - the result of the binding spell "She followed it without attention, easily lulled into the odd complacency bred of the binding spell’s instilled familiarity."
-Here you suggest the opposite. "As she walked through the Old Wood for the first time since her arrival, it donned on her that she knew very little of the surrounding lands he now expected her to call home."
(I'm a little confused.)
> Such realization eroded her resolve before it had chance to settle into something absolute.
- Perhaps this is too abstract? If you were to show it on stage, what would it look like?
> Milas listened intensely as it meandered along the upper cliff, waiting for some small amount of intent to betray the stranger’s benign guise to the sight.
- Who's intent to betray who's guise now?
> Milas saw her chance to slip past the stranger’s path and back up the trail undetected, but before she could act the sounds of casual movement changed direction.
- Who's movement exactly? "the sounds of casual movement" is just a little too abstract as it stands.
> The cliff feature came abundant with convenient pocked handholds that increased her confidence in her sudden boldness enough to displace the threat of the raging water at her back.
- Confident in her boldness? A-ight.
Countless, convenient handholds in the side of the cliff lifted her spirits - the climb should have been easy. But taking hold of the rock, she winced as pain raced from the stubs of her severed fingers. (or something to that effect)
(Presuming years haven't passed, and presuming her fingers haven't been magically healed to perfection.)
> Thinking of Ramaeus made her will for the endeavor falter beneath the weight of her own stupidity. Her pacing stopped. She leaned against the base of a tightly bundled grove of aspen trees to regain her composure, without the mental chiding of a man she narrowly despised to further cloud her thoughts.
- Her pacing stopped. Dispirited, she leaned against the base of a tightly bundled grove of aspen trees to regain her composure, without the mental chiding of a man she narrowly despised to further cloud her thoughts.
> He began to move, (from) the tree grove and slowly toward her without looking up.
Overall: At times, the prose felt relaxed, and others it was a bit gnarled. That aside it certainly was nice to see this proactive behavior on her part. She indeed has the talent to elude. Though I'm not yet certain how the events in this chapter push the main plot forward, I'm guessing it must come down to this stranger she met - and I'm guessing we'll be seeing more of him. I'm also guessing that now Ramaeus will cut another finger off for having gone outside the palace, but then I'm also guessing she'll be spending more time out there.
- I've heard of "upon pain of death" - but never "upon the pains of near death".
Perhaps you can show this. Maybe you can show her turning it over in her hands and casually mention she was to carry it. Umm... have her show it to us, then let the narrator play facilitator and tell us something about it? Maybe?
> She immediately jumped off the main road and scrambled through some brush to a narrow footpath she spotted snaking off toward the roar of the waterfall. The pathway twisted through the rocky terrain, tight and well worn. She followed it without attention, easily lulled into the odd complacency bred of the binding spell’s instilled familiarity.
Squatty fern patches lined the modest soil banks not overrun with gnarled root structure. The footing was consistently spotty, but Milas wandered without stumble or loss of purchase, vaguely enamored with the natural surroundings.
(I really liked the idea of this scene - and wanted to see it. So I played around with it - maybe it's "wrong" in that it doesn't fit right, and probably because I've screwed it all up - but, I just wanted to capture the intensity and reveal the revelation a little more gradually.)
- Arms flailing, she scrambled off the main road, then ran at full gait through some squatty ferns until reaching a narrow footpath. Tight and well-worn, it twisted through the rocky terrain like a snake, and she followed its undulations until she paused to catch her breath. Winded, she leaned against a tree, and as soon as her panting subsided, her ears twitched. Lifting her chin, she listened in the direction of the rumbling and roaring of a waterfall somewhere up ahead. She felt like she already knew it was there, but didn't know how, then squinted in confusion, perplexed by this sudden familiarity with an altogether unfamiliar place.
Continuing along at a easier pace, she became aware by increasing degrees that although the path's footing grew more treacherous, she could nevertheless hasten along without fear of stumbling, as though each step was one she'd taken a hundred times before. Stopping abruptly, her eyes fell to the binding bracelets on her wrists. "These must be his memories," she pondered aloud.
(IDK - I've probably screwed it up. But the idea was to tease the reader a little with the reminder of the binding spell.)
Although I think there might be a contradiction.
-Here you suggest that she has a familiarity with her surroundings - the result of the binding spell "She followed it without attention, easily lulled into the odd complacency bred of the binding spell’s instilled familiarity."
-Here you suggest the opposite. "As she walked through the Old Wood for the first time since her arrival, it donned on her that she knew very little of the surrounding lands he now expected her to call home."
(I'm a little confused.)
> Such realization eroded her resolve before it had chance to settle into something absolute.
- Perhaps this is too abstract? If you were to show it on stage, what would it look like?
> Milas listened intensely as it meandered along the upper cliff, waiting for some small amount of intent to betray the stranger’s benign guise to the sight.
- Who's intent to betray who's guise now?
> Milas saw her chance to slip past the stranger’s path and back up the trail undetected, but before she could act the sounds of casual movement changed direction.
- Who's movement exactly? "the sounds of casual movement" is just a little too abstract as it stands.
> The cliff feature came abundant with convenient pocked handholds that increased her confidence in her sudden boldness enough to displace the threat of the raging water at her back.
- Confident in her boldness? A-ight.
Countless, convenient handholds in the side of the cliff lifted her spirits - the climb should have been easy. But taking hold of the rock, she winced as pain raced from the stubs of her severed fingers. (or something to that effect)
(Presuming years haven't passed, and presuming her fingers haven't been magically healed to perfection.)
> Thinking of Ramaeus made her will for the endeavor falter beneath the weight of her own stupidity. Her pacing stopped. She leaned against the base of a tightly bundled grove of aspen trees to regain her composure, without the mental chiding of a man she narrowly despised to further cloud her thoughts.
- Her pacing stopped. Dispirited, she leaned against the base of a tightly bundled grove of aspen trees to regain her composure, without the mental chiding of a man she narrowly despised to further cloud her thoughts.
> He began to move, (from) the tree grove and slowly toward her without looking up.
Overall: At times, the prose felt relaxed, and others it was a bit gnarled. That aside it certainly was nice to see this proactive behavior on her part. She indeed has the talent to elude. Though I'm not yet certain how the events in this chapter push the main plot forward, I'm guessing it must come down to this stranger she met - and I'm guessing we'll be seeing more of him. I'm also guessing that now Ramaeus will cut another finger off for having gone outside the palace, but then I'm also guessing she'll be spending more time out there.
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