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Project Leader:
Shellie025
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Participants:
The WEbook community -
Who Can Write:
Project Leader Only -
Category:
Fiction -
Genre:
Mystery
Horror -
Language:
English
book_central
The Victim Behind The Mask
Prologue
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“We have been friends for over three years now.”
What did I do to deserve this? I have been a good friend to him since our freshman year. If you want to live you have to think what you did wrong between your freshman and junior year to make him change like this. Why do his eyes look so dark and evil?
“Are you going to hurt me?”
“Why in the hell aren’t you answering me, let me out of here I want to go home!”
Slap!
“You stupid tease, shut ... more »
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“We have been friends for over three years now.”
What did I do to deserve this? I have been a good friend to him since our freshman year. If you want to live you have to think what you did wrong between your freshman and junior year to make him change like this. Why do his eyes look so dark and evil?
“Are you going to hurt me?”
“Why in the hell aren’t you answering me, let me out of here I want to go home!”
Slap!
“You stupid tease, shut ... more »
GIVE FEEDBACK
1/10/2009 8:09 AM PST
wow....this is really good. is there a complete novel?
1/9/2009 2:06 PM PST
This story is more than worthy of being published. I hope you continue to write
1/7/2009 9:46 AM PST
omg i love it's something you can't stop reading it's like you have to keep on reading because your anxious to know whats going to happen. Keep writting =)
1/2/2009 1:32 PM PST
This was amazing...
11/18/2008 9:51 PM PST
NICE job... this book is amazing
11/18/2008 12:46 PM PST
i love its something i would buy
11/18/2008 6:00 AM PST
this book mus be published!!!!!!!!!!!!! its a page turner, i've never read anything like it. totally LOVED IT!!!!!!!!
11/17/2008 6:09 PM PST
Fantastic! Love the "Saw-esque" type of writing!
11/17/2008 5:44 PM PST
Very good work, Shellie. Best of luck.
11/17/2008 4:58 PM PST
Good job, what I read of it. Very well written.
11/17/2008 4:22 PM PST
love this great job
11/17/2008 12:18 PM PST
GREAT BOOK
11/17/2008 11:08 AM PST
I hope you win hun
11/17/2008 10:02 AM PST
Shellie --
While you appear to be a talented writer, this book does need more work in places -- including the start of Chapter 2, located right in the middle of your Vote Zone.
Current:
Jeffries walked into his office early Monday morning, exhausted from his long night he previously had. After Ms. Richardson left he went over his haunting old case file at least five more excruciating times. Each time he was thinking there had to have been something he had missed.
Consider:
Jeffries walked into his office early Monday morning, exhausted from the previous night. After Ms. Richardson departed the premises, he pored over his case file, repeatedly, examining each fact, figure, and photograph, in a futile attempt to discover something he had overlooked during his earlier study of the same material. And still . . . nothing!
Write on! Good Luck! nancy
While you appear to be a talented writer, this book does need more work in places -- including the start of Chapter 2, located right in the middle of your Vote Zone.
Current:
Jeffries walked into his office early Monday morning, exhausted from his long night he previously had. After Ms. Richardson left he went over his haunting old case file at least five more excruciating times. Each time he was thinking there had to have been something he had missed.
Consider:
Jeffries walked into his office early Monday morning, exhausted from the previous night. After Ms. Richardson departed the premises, he pored over his case file, repeatedly, examining each fact, figure, and photograph, in a futile attempt to discover something he had overlooked during his earlier study of the same material. And still . . . nothing!
Write on! Good Luck! nancy
11/16/2008 7:15 PM PST
Excellent writer......
11/16/2008 2:21 PM PST
This is an amazing story.
11/16/2008 12:39 PM PST
great book!
11/16/2008 10:06 AM PST
You are the best. I believe that.
Good luck friend (L)
Good luck friend (L)
11/16/2008 8:21 AM PST
good work
11/16/2008 7:59 AM PST
hope for u the best :D
11/16/2008 3:17 AM PST
Shellie, you have something really interesting here. I can see this unravelling nicely. Plenty of dialogue too which is always good to see. Most of the time readers don't want to be having to wade through too much description. Also very atmospheric, you could feel yourself in the middle of the interview which is sign of good writing skills.
Good work and good luck!
Voting now.
Good work and good luck!
Voting now.
11/15/2008 5:23 PM PST
Dialogue = I was once told there's no such thing as 'too much' but it does have to be good dialogue, not just any old poo. Also dialogue is a good one when it comes to writing the screen play.
Just saying.
Just saying.
11/15/2008 12:49 PM PST
We can say we "...knew you when..." !
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
11/15/2008 10:11 AM PST
Great job!! Hope you get published!! Good luck!!
11/15/2008 8:22 AM PST
awesome job on this story
11/15/2008 7:34 AM PST
This is a great book great reading material. Different then any book I have ever read. I love the plot. I hope it gets in the stores soon as I would love to buy it. Great job!
11/14/2008 8:02 PM PST
I think this book has a lot of promise. I have really enjoyed reading the first few pages that i have read, and cant wait to read more. This should deffinitly be published. I cant wait to read the whole thing. <3
11/14/2008 7:35 PM PST
Hey...it's not bad! I vote YES! Good Luck!!
11/14/2008 4:03 PM PST
An exciting read.
11/14/2008 2:37 PM PST
I really like it:)
11/14/2008 1:40 PM PST
good :)
11/14/2008 12:52 PM PST
great book just finished the last chapter
11/14/2008 11:04 AM PST
You have my vote!
11/14/2008 7:15 AM PST
You got my vote!! Awesome job done!! I wish you lots of success !~
11/14/2008 7:11 AM PST
Very nice! I like it!
11/14/2008 6:41 AM PST
you are a really good writer..... i love to read more of it.
11/13/2008 9:41 PM PST
I'm afraid I've only read the first chapter, but I'll share my impressions.
In general, I got a cool, film noir vibe from the beginning. I love a good, classic mystery.
At the very beginning, when you say "barricaded himself in his small rundown office," I got an image of him barricading the door. Whoops. (And you need a comma after "small.")
Ms. Richardson's dialogue, in particular, doesn't sound all that natural. I'll see if I can't help in some areas. (I'm no master, of course, but I'll point out what sounds a little off.)
The last sentence here:
“Nancy is twenty-one years old, and about my height, maybe two inches taller, and has long brown wavy hair and brown eyes. By the way you look familiar and how can you help me, who are you?”
First off, I think you need a pause before this sentence. In general, you don't do a lot to describe HOW your characters are speaking. People tend to pause before changing the subject dramatically like that, for example. (Maybe she didn't, but it's something to keep in mind in the long run.) Second, make sure your sentences sound natural. I recommend reading your dialogue aloud in character to see if it still sounds like something someone would say.
Here:
“Actually, both. You see, it’s like this. Nancy’s father died of a brain tumor a couple years back and it’s just been the three of us recently. On my salary I can’t afford to put Nancy through school. Nancy did get some scholarships, but you know how it is.”
Another dimension of dialogue is emotion, and while you describe Ms. Richardson's emotional state very well, it's not really evident in what she says. Again, you can help this a lot if you describe how she is speaking.
I was really impressed with your prose ability, though. There are some awkward sentences (also can be fixed by reading aloud to people--almost everyone has this problem), but all in all I liked it. There were some really good lines that stood out, and that's a sign of good writing as far as I'm concerned.
In general, I got a cool, film noir vibe from the beginning. I love a good, classic mystery.
At the very beginning, when you say "barricaded himself in his small rundown office," I got an image of him barricading the door. Whoops. (And you need a comma after "small.")
Ms. Richardson's dialogue, in particular, doesn't sound all that natural. I'll see if I can't help in some areas. (I'm no master, of course, but I'll point out what sounds a little off.)
The last sentence here:
“Nancy is twenty-one years old, and about my height, maybe two inches taller, and has long brown wavy hair and brown eyes. By the way you look familiar and how can you help me, who are you?”
First off, I think you need a pause before this sentence. In general, you don't do a lot to describe HOW your characters are speaking. People tend to pause before changing the subject dramatically like that, for example. (Maybe she didn't, but it's something to keep in mind in the long run.) Second, make sure your sentences sound natural. I recommend reading your dialogue aloud in character to see if it still sounds like something someone would say.
Here:
“Actually, both. You see, it’s like this. Nancy’s father died of a brain tumor a couple years back and it’s just been the three of us recently. On my salary I can’t afford to put Nancy through school. Nancy did get some scholarships, but you know how it is.”
Another dimension of dialogue is emotion, and while you describe Ms. Richardson's emotional state very well, it's not really evident in what she says. Again, you can help this a lot if you describe how she is speaking.
I was really impressed with your prose ability, though. There are some awkward sentences (also can be fixed by reading aloud to people--almost everyone has this problem), but all in all I liked it. There were some really good lines that stood out, and that's a sign of good writing as far as I'm concerned.
11/13/2008 6:15 PM PST
very good ! publish ! Tanu
11/13/2008 3:07 PM PST
Not my cup of tea in a novel, but just because I do not care for the genre does not mean I cant be subjective in the voting process. I vote yes. Good work. Also, to those who have blasted the author about the chapters being nothing but dialogue between characters, I think that in this specific genre, it is perfectly acceptable since it keeps the read abreast of who is who and what is going on. This way, the book plays out in your mind almost like that of a drama movie would. Again, Good work and good luck
11/13/2008 10:25 AM PST
You have my vote!! Great work!
11/13/2008 9:00 AM PST
i want a free copy
11/13/2008 8:51 AM PST
Great diction that keeps me captive and wanting to read forever
11/13/2008 8:42 AM PST
Awesome book, keeps you on the edge and cannot put it down!!
11/13/2008 7:31 AM PST
it sound like a very good book.
11/13/2008 7:21 AM PST
Good luck Shellie, your hard work & dedication deserves the highest praise.
11/13/2008 7:20 AM PST
i like it i wanna read more of it...u caught my action of the fudion of genres romance and thriller..but i hope that it doent just follow the lines of others in the genres
11/13/2008 5:09 AM PST
Very well written,very interesting!
11/13/2008 1:41 AM PST
Listen, your writing is very good, you caught my attention immediately, you should be proud of that however, I am going to tell you something that people always tell me. From what I could tell most of your chapter was dialogue, this is my main concern. Perhaps you could shorten it but other than that the plot was completely interesting. See the problem for a writer isn't really the plot but the way it is presented i.e. the way you word your sentences. Your description is truly sensational I could actually imagine the scene taking place and I don't know about other people but usually that is my main problem. Despite this I do not think that it is completely ready for publishing do not be discouraged just minimize the amount of dialogue and I'm sure people will be crowding just to purchase it once it has been published. If you don't intend to alter your work then you seriously won't learn however, for this particular piece it would not be considered a 'sin' so don't worry, it was just a suggestion-Good work :D
11/12/2008 10:33 PM PST
Seems like a really good book and I think it should be publiched.
Snuggers
Snuggers
11/12/2008 9:27 PM PST
I haven't read the chapter yet but I promise I will, anyway, the fact that you are in the process of writing a book is awesome some people may think its bad but hey its a work in progress. I now this may be a random comment but please whoever you are if you have got something to say and this book is your way of saying it then keep trying to get it published! We need a new generation of literature, I am sick of cliches. :D
11/12/2008 8:10 PM PST
Yes give it a chance!! :)
11/12/2008 7:38 PM PST
I normally dont read books like this but i think this is a pretty good book...I say Publish
11/12/2008 6:35 PM PST
It sounds very moving, good work!
11/12/2008 6:01 PM PST
I say publish it, because it tells a good story. I dont care about the editing nonsense.. A book is written to tell a story, it doesnt quite matter to me how we got there as long as that point is gotten across.
Good job!!! =]
Good job!!! =]
11/12/2008 1:26 PM PST
It's not really my kind of book but it seems to be on track. The change of font all the time made it hard for me to focus. I don't feel qualified to say whether it should be published or not. I say go for it. Everyone needs to start somewhere. Kudos for having the guts to try.
11/12/2008 12:15 PM PST
love it
11/12/2008 8:19 AM PST
A friend told me about this book, she said it was really good. I have to agree with her. I really liked it. I am just starting out, my friends say I should write a book, but I don't know if I can compete with anything like this. Good Luck and I hope they publish your book. Just forget the idots that give crappy feedback they are just jealous that they don't have half the talent you have!
11/12/2008 7:57 AM PST
I never asked for your help, I just nt you to leave me alone
11/12/2008 7:07 AM PST
I haven't got anything to be spiteful for, except the thrashings I receive for telling the author that the work is not ready for publication. Works up for the vote were supposed to be finalized and edited up to a specific standard that this work does not meet, and i the author wants more feedback than that obviously cursory comment, then she needs to write me and ask, but i'm not going to write an essay about each and every thing I find. I get enough o that at work. I just don't and have never felt this is ready, and it boggles my mind that so many people do. it makes me wonder.
11/12/2008 4:12 AM PST
great work ,
do not let those who are just being spiteful discourage you,ignore them and concentrate on the positive, you have a great way with words yes it does need a little editing but keep it up,
i vote to publish
do not let those who are just being spiteful discourage you,ignore them and concentrate on the positive, you have a great way with words yes it does need a little editing but keep it up,
i vote to publish
11/12/2008 1:55 AM PST
Oh and Shep, what's your beef, like Domunique your going crazy even though i commented positively on your work. No taste? The ones I liked, you liked. The only difference is that while I went and told people i disliked their work, you did nothing but shoot sugar up their noses. Some of these works are bad. hands down. This is not as bad as some, but it is still poorly edited and not up for the vote. God damn it people, when will you take the hint tht I don't hate you, I'm just trying to point out that you should go back and do some more editing. If it's a taste issue then i'm sure this author has encountered many agents/editors/publishers that will represent thei work as is. Good luck with that.
11/12/2008 1:28 AM PST
Lots of hard work and sweat WILL pay off...keep trying and you will succeed. Remember success is not measured by anyone's idea of greatness but your own. Put your heart and soul into anything your are passionate about and you have succeeded. Success and Greatness is making it to the finish line because succeeding is truly great!
11/11/2008 11:33 PM PST
Great story,loved it.
11/11/2008 10:57 PM PST
So far so good. I am enjoying your work. Great job! Keep up the good work!
11/11/2008 10:53 PM PST
Thanks Alex the Great.
You're obviously cheating, or someone is doing it for you. it doesn't matter to me how you get the votes, which is why I never said anything about the blank profiles like jasefreedman or alex did. I KNOW it won't matter if you cheat, I just wanted you to know that it's obvious that you're cheating. Your work is terrible. I've said it now many times. If you would like I can go through and CONSTRUCTIVELY critique it. I am happy to do this as I said from the get go. I'm sure there are others who'd do the same, I've been as nice as I'm going to be. you se this is not my work. I do not have to defend it. That burden falls to you, and all I need do is quote your own work back at you. It needs editing, I'm sorry. I can't help it if you can't accept that.
You're obviously cheating, or someone is doing it for you. it doesn't matter to me how you get the votes, which is why I never said anything about the blank profiles like jasefreedman or alex did. I KNOW it won't matter if you cheat, I just wanted you to know that it's obvious that you're cheating. Your work is terrible. I've said it now many times. If you would like I can go through and CONSTRUCTIVELY critique it. I am happy to do this as I said from the get go. I'm sure there are others who'd do the same, I've been as nice as I'm going to be. you se this is not my work. I do not have to defend it. That burden falls to you, and all I need do is quote your own work back at you. It needs editing, I'm sorry. I can't help it if you can't accept that.
11/11/2008 10:39 PM PST
hey dude surfs-up man love the new book we really should catch some waves man. love the crime side dude. love the sex very hot sizzling man. Jive people
11/11/2008 10:26 PM PST
I like loved your style of writing; I found your characters vibrant, full of life and believable. The story itself inviting and intriguing full of mystery, suspense Wow how it grabs you and won’t let you go... As I read the chapters from the beginning to the end I loved the journey It took me on and the world that opened up for me, and the craving of madness of a killer not to forget the behind the scenes romance which was HOT so hot it must burned the key board. I was amazed, dazzled by it s brilliants and the adventure of plots as I followed the detectives and his victims. The only regret was can’t think of any except that killer got off to easily, need to suffer more like his victims times 1000 or more. A standing applause for a work well done, as I take breath and a bow and wait for your next book which I hope will be soon, because I need more and look forward to it eagerly. Please get writing. Oh yes love the ending about their proposal it couldn't have been more deserving.
people really need to vote this book not just because it awesome which it is. they need to vote for it because sick people like Lightbrite has no taste when comes to reading Perhaps they should stay in grade school where bullies like themselves belong. This place is for people like Shellie025 that have earned this, not for cyber bullies like them with no class.
you go girl
people really need to vote this book not just because it awesome which it is. they need to vote for it because sick people like Lightbrite has no taste when comes to reading Perhaps they should stay in grade school where bullies like themselves belong. This place is for people like Shellie025 that have earned this, not for cyber bullies like them with no class.
you go girl
11/11/2008 9:40 PM PST
So far so good, I'm just getting started maybe when I'm up and running you can help me with mine, many thanxs xoxo
11/11/2008 8:41 PM PST
Hi Shellie
You have the makings of a great story here I am in to Thrillers myself but the romance part isn't for me so I won't comment on that but I have always loved a great Mystery and this is one very well crafted story that is definately a real page turner.
You have the makings of a great story here I am in to Thrillers myself but the romance part isn't for me so I won't comment on that but I have always loved a great Mystery and this is one very well crafted story that is definately a real page turner.
11/11/2008 8:40 PM PST
Look there is a difference in feedback and bashing, webook is for feedback
11/11/2008 8:35 PM PST
as blank as your profile, what are you a double agent for the bashing brothers
11/11/2008 8:28 PM PST
I came to WEbook to vote for a work to be published that I had previously read on another literary web site. Over the course of voting here on this site, I have seen many of the works in contention for publication, including yours, suddenly spike up in votes seemingly overnight. While you have every right to get the vote out for your work here, I find it questionable that earlier today most of the people leaving you comments and feedback here had no profiles whatsoever, and now after having been pointed out by lightbrite, the majority of those now have pictures, many only hours later. While you might be under the assumption that WEbook will choose works to publish based only on votes, there is still the factor of the quality of the work that will ultimately win the publication. All the blank profiles in the world registered to the same IP address won't make a difference in that department.
11/11/2008 8:12 PM PST
Ok your work is FANTASTIC!!! so go get it published!!! Go on! I'm sure it needs absolutely NO WORK WHATSOEVER!. I'm sure that's why you've had such success.
11/11/2008 7:40 PM PST
I am not delusional!
11/11/2008 7:24 PM PST
I've given my feedback as constructively as possible to someone who is obviously delusional. I have said it multiple times on here, check the comments, and I'm not the only one. Oh and btw, I would like to say that I've read the webook.com contract. it's HORRIFYING. My advice is to NOT publish your work here.
11/11/2008 7:13 PM PST
No you are wrong, you shouldn't assume. I have been "campaigning" asking people to look at my work they vote how they want from there, I have communicated with several people, You are a cruel person not giving feedback but out to destroy people which is obvious. I am not worried and you and your attacks won't affect me. Go try someone else.
11/11/2008 6:35 PM PST
It's so obvious from watching the vote that this person has received in one day a ton of votes, mostly from blank profiles. We're not stupid. There is NO WAY that this work is receiving votes based on quality! This needs massive amounts of editing and I would like to say that this kind of vote fraud is ridiculous, do you think that the high vote count will make webook publish you in spite of the obvious flaws in your book? No. Webook will take one look at it and immediately alter their voting machine to reflect IP addresses, so that authors cannot fake votes, then they'll sigh in disappointment and say not one damn thing to you about your book. You won't get published by cheating, because the work will still be bad. However, if you go back, accept the negative criticism and then perfect your craft, you might be able to get published without the need for a competition, i.e. taking it to agents or publishers in a traditional fashion. I'm sorry to be so mean, but this has been bugging me for like three days. There's just no way this is even possible. I'm sorry, you're obviously faking the vote, enough said. Oh and, changing the profiles after I've said this to reflect an assumed identity does not in fact help.
11/11/2008 6:27 PM PST
Really ash_182, you've had that problem with your uploads? And what uploads would those be, you have no projects, and no submissions.
11/11/2008 5:50 PM PST
Great job!
11/11/2008 5:43 PM PST
Love to see the dialogue simplified to sharpen the content. The interaction between characters feels awkward because the dialogue is forced....still, the content through three chapters is compelling.
11/11/2008 5:28 PM PST
I love it, you are having the same problem I did when i tried to upload somethin, it changes font on you, and you can't fix it. That didn't take away from the story for me, I still loved it, i'm on chapter 9.
11/11/2008 5:08 PM PST
I too, love a great mystery. But, I have to agree with jasefreedman there are some inconsistencies in the writing that make it diffuclt to read and the changing from past to present was a little confusing. Good luck though, I admire you're bravery in submitting something for voting. I haven't got the brave yet.
11/11/2008 4:56 PM PST
Yeah, the inconsistent tense does make it difficult to enjoy. Also, there are just typos and hard-to-read sentences:
"Hamilton thought back to his interview with Elizabeth to think if there was something he missed but all the got out of her was that she unlocked her chains when he took Donna to the van."
Also, what is with the use of multiple fonts? I'm viewing on a linux machine, but it appears that there are at least 3 fonts...at first I thought the fonts were encoding some information, but I can't see any pattern in their use.
I couldn't tell if the story/idea was compelling because I just didn't get through enough of it. Evidently lots of people love it to bits. Has anyone read it all the way through? Does it hold interest?
"Hamilton thought back to his interview with Elizabeth to think if there was something he missed but all the got out of her was that she unlocked her chains when he took Donna to the van."
Also, what is with the use of multiple fonts? I'm viewing on a linux machine, but it appears that there are at least 3 fonts...at first I thought the fonts were encoding some information, but I can't see any pattern in their use.
I couldn't tell if the story/idea was compelling because I just didn't get through enough of it. Evidently lots of people love it to bits. Has anyone read it all the way through? Does it hold interest?
11/11/2008 4:39 PM PST
Good plot. Has potential for publishing but needs editing and fine tuning. I found it changes from past to present tense quite a bit.
11/11/2008 4:06 PM PST
I love the way you use your words very discriptedly, good job.
you have my vote.
you have my vote.
11/11/2008 4:05 PM PST
WOW very interesting..mystery is great!
11/11/2008 3:36 PM PST
I love crime novels, and I am working on a mystery/thriller myself, what a great inspiration.
11/11/2008 3:02 PM PST
I heard about this from one of my friends and totally agree that it is a great read! Good Job!!
Best of luck with the vote!
Best of luck with the vote!
11/11/2008 1:30 PM PST
Great work,
Keep going,don't let any one who attempts to be a bull'yrag, intimidate,interrupt your creative flow,look at all the positive feed back and ignore them,people hate to be ignored,it takes all their power away.They are sadly so intoxicated with their own self power,really they don't have any.
Feel sorry for them,leave them and their petty ,nit,picking ,jealousy,in the Lord's hands.
They are entitled to their opinion & the rest of us ours.Most love your work,
(A bit of advise!Be very careful what you put out there?As some mis-understand what we writers are saying,and turn & twist it from what we have meant,to suite their warped minds.)Sad,but that's the way it is with some.
Take care,Blessings,I leave you in the Lord's hands.keep your ink flowing,great work.
You know the saying,what goes around comes around.
Keep going,don't let any one who attempts to be a bull'yrag, intimidate,interrupt your creative flow,look at all the positive feed back and ignore them,people hate to be ignored,it takes all their power away.They are sadly so intoxicated with their own self power,really they don't have any.
Feel sorry for them,leave them and their petty ,nit,picking ,jealousy,in the Lord's hands.
They are entitled to their opinion & the rest of us ours.Most love your work,
(A bit of advise!Be very careful what you put out there?As some mis-understand what we writers are saying,and turn & twist it from what we have meant,to suite their warped minds.)Sad,but that's the way it is with some.
Take care,Blessings,I leave you in the Lord's hands.keep your ink flowing,great work.
You know the saying,what goes around comes around.
11/11/2008 1:13 PM PST
i LIKE THIS TYPE OF WORK....GOOD JOB!
11/11/2008 1:02 PM PST
hey u got my vote
11/11/2008 12:46 PM PST
From what I had time to read it's great so far. Could you take a look and vote for the anthology I'm a part of The Looking Glass and Please Listen To What I'm Not Telling You is my own anthology.
11/11/2008 11:41 AM PST
it's captivitating- didn't want to stop reading.. Great job!
11/11/2008 11:18 AM PST
GREAT WORK!
11/11/2008 11:00 AM PST
I love it and I will love to see it
be publish
be publish
11/11/2008 10:34 AM PST
I believe that this is certainly worthy of its top ten rated projects. Well done and keep writing, This has every chance of getting published!
11/11/2008 10:31 AM PST
Great plot, i enjoy a good thriller.
11/11/2008 10:24 AM PST
Love it, I could read this over and over again.
11/11/2008 10:11 AM PST
Okay great plot and story line so far! The only problem I see is that the dialouge is NOT natural and doesnt really flow. For instance when donaldsons or whatnot said
"I will be right there..."
Yeahhh 18 yr olds dont really talk like that
"I'll be right there."
Would have been LOADS more realistic.
I mean bloody hell no one talks proper english anymore! I helpful thing i do when ever i write dialouge is talk it out loud to see how it flows. If YOU feel funny saying it chances are ur character is gonna be blimy awkward as well. So memeber keep the dialouge REAL!
"I will be right there..."
Yeahhh 18 yr olds dont really talk like that
"I'll be right there."
Would have been LOADS more realistic.
I mean bloody hell no one talks proper english anymore! I helpful thing i do when ever i write dialouge is talk it out loud to see how it flows. If YOU feel funny saying it chances are ur character is gonna be blimy awkward as well. So memeber keep the dialouge REAL!
11/11/2008 9:51 AM PST
i love the story it makes you want to read more.
11/11/2008 9:50 AM PST
Great work!
11/11/2008 9:33 AM PST
It seems a very interesting story.
11/11/2008 9:06 AM PST
This is really good
11/11/2008 8:44 AM PST
Wonderful story, I love mysteries...keep up the good work! There is a lot going here for you, really liked it!
11/11/2008 8:23 AM PST
I agree with Moonerva-great potential but needs a bit of fine tuning,love the pace of the story-it just pulls you in and makes you want to read more! good luck! x
11/11/2008 8:07 AM PST
This really is good work, I wish you best of luck!
11/11/2008 7:52 AM PST
This story has potential but needs editing and fine tuning before being published.
11/11/2008 7:13 AM PST
I love the story, great job
11/11/2008 7:07 AM PST
Well done, I like the plot it drags me into what's going on.
11/11/2008 6:59 AM PST
I love cop books, this takes it a step further though, well done.
11/11/2008 6:13 AM PST
Great work, I read it and loved it! publish so I can buy it.
11/11/2008 3:50 AM PST
With every book there is always negative and positive reactions, not all works will appeal to everyone, wouldn't that be a boring world. Don't be discourage by the negative, feed off the positive. I have been unable to read every chapter of your book, what i have read i am certain your book will appeal to a wide audience. Well done for even attempting to write online and opening your self up to peoples reactions. Very commendable!!!!
11/11/2008 12:05 AM PST
Based on the first chapter (sorry, very little time):
The idea is fine but the execution needs work. First, you start with a heap of description and no action at all: hard to keep the spoiled reader's attention. Always start with the victim! Second, you have way too much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. Third, the cliché characters, situation and expressions are somewhat funny at first, before they start to annoy.
All challenges you can work on, though.
The idea is fine but the execution needs work. First, you start with a heap of description and no action at all: hard to keep the spoiled reader's attention. Always start with the victim! Second, you have way too much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. Third, the cliché characters, situation and expressions are somewhat funny at first, before they start to annoy.
All challenges you can work on, though.
11/10/2008 11:42 PM PST
This is webook! a site for writers to get their work published where WE have the opportunity to uplift fellow writers through constructive criticism and comments! I am appalled by those leaving discouraging remarks! Keep writing and growing Shellie!
11/10/2008 11:12 PM PST
Nope, right book. I'm not going to write reviews any more, just quote the authors back to them. What's wrong with this paragraph:
"Jeffries ran his hand through his hair and loosened his tie as he always does out of nervousness."
For the love of god, the bloody tenses are mixed. This needs serious editing before it's publication ready.
"Jeffries ran his hand through his hair and loosened his tie as he always does out of nervousness."
For the love of god, the bloody tenses are mixed. This needs serious editing before it's publication ready.
11/10/2008 9:39 PM PST
you must have read the wrong book
11/10/2008 9:27 PM PST
I'm going to have to agree with thursias. This book doesn't have a chance.
11/10/2008 9:17 PM PST
This is one of the worst books up for vote. What are you people talking about? You can't have read it...
11/10/2008 9:17 PM PST
I just finished your book. i am glad i got the opportunity to read it and i am sure you will be successful with it.
let me know when you have the next one ready for feed back.
james
let me know when you have the next one ready for feed back.
james
11/10/2008 8:26 PM PST
this is good
11/10/2008 7:16 PM PST
is really a good and interesting writing,keep it up.
11/10/2008 6:44 PM PST
sounds resl good from the small intro- 46 chapters is a long read... maybe I should do more than 13 chapters, but 13 is the no. of the DOGS... MMM... I will read more in the future, but have no time to spare right now.
11/10/2008 6:34 PM PST
WOW!! You got my attention! Thanks for inviting me to read awesome work!!
Froschfeuer
Froschfeuer
11/10/2008 6:08 PM PST
Good luck Shellie
11/10/2008 5:30 PM PST
A thumbs up for you! Good luck.
11/10/2008 5:24 PM PST
This is a fantastic mystery, you know how to tell a story very well. You are a great writer that knows how to keep one's attention.
Thank you for the invitation to read your novel. It is brilliant and wonderful. Sincerely, Tamara0449
Thank you for the invitation to read your novel. It is brilliant and wonderful. Sincerely, Tamara0449
11/10/2008 5:13 PM PST
love it!
11/10/2008 5:09 PM PST
oooo it was pritty tastey...
11/10/2008 5:06 PM PST
I really liked it!!
11/10/2008 4:37 PM PST
I liked it. good job.
11/10/2008 4:17 PM PST
wow this is really good...i'll definately keep reading....would you mind looking at mine? keep writing God has given you a great talent
11/10/2008 4:05 PM PST
I read a bit and it was good!
11/10/2008 4:03 PM PST
One request: Please PUBLISH! I loved every minute of it.
11/10/2008 3:46 PM PST
not bad, its really good! PUBLISH!
11/10/2008 3:41 PM PST
Very good. Could use some editing but great all around.
11/10/2008 3:41 PM PST
Great Work
11/10/2008 3:11 PM PST
Very Good - Lots of Luck!
11/10/2008 3:08 PM PST
Great work
11/10/2008 3:04 PM PST
Love it, it had me on the edge of my seat!
11/10/2008 3:03 PM PST
not bad! I think people would be interested if this were published. :-)
kara ann
kara ann
11/10/2008 3:00 PM PST
This should be published, it's a must read!
11/10/2008 2:56 PM PST
Really amateurish. Allow me to quote from the first chapter, the initial description of the 'hero':
"Looking at Jeffries now, one could see the case that got away from him lies heavily on his shoulders and the pain is still inflicted in his eyes. Jeffries always blamed himself, claiming he should have worked longer or harder even though his Chief explained he worked harder than anyone else would in that department, which is why he got the case."
A much better use of tense could make this flow. As it is, yikes. Flow it does not. Definitely not publishable.
"Looking at Jeffries now, one could see the case that got away from him lies heavily on his shoulders and the pain is still inflicted in his eyes. Jeffries always blamed himself, claiming he should have worked longer or harder even though his Chief explained he worked harder than anyone else would in that department, which is why he got the case."
A much better use of tense could make this flow. As it is, yikes. Flow it does not. Definitely not publishable.
11/10/2008 2:50 PM PST
50 50.
11/10/2008 2:20 PM PST
publish now....
11/10/2008 2:14 PM PST
Nice work :)
11/10/2008 2:09 PM PST
I'll be expecting this!!! Thanks for sharing, good luck!!=)
11/10/2008 2:08 PM PST
I would buy this at the store!
11/10/2008 2:06 PM PST
Great work, Publish publish publish!!!
11/10/2008 1:48 PM PST
hey, so far so good. I do feel that a little streamlining would be good, don't really feel that I can add more than what has already been said though. as I get time I'll go through the rest. good luck
11/10/2008 1:42 PM PST
awesome work!
11/10/2008 1:29 PM PST
great job babes!
11/10/2008 1:19 PM PST
good job. Good very good.
11/10/2008 12:31 PM PST
Good
11/10/2008 12:11 PM PST
Thumbs Up! ^.^
11/10/2008 11:54 AM PST
i gave you a thumbs up two days ago. in my haste to evaluate everyone's project i failed to leave behind a notation.
but great work!
but great work!
11/10/2008 11:48 AM PST
Other than some editing issues, this has great backbone. I thought it had a lot of feeling and potential. Nice work!
11/10/2008 10:49 AM PST
Hey, i recon this book is really good and deserves to be published =)
You should check out my book, its no where near finished tho. but i would really apreciate some feedback. =)
xx
You should check out my book, its no where near finished tho. but i would really apreciate some feedback. =)
xx
11/10/2008 10:46 AM PST
Your descriptions are brillllllllllllllllliant. I thought that I had great descriptions but u. Well it looks like there'll be a new Agatha Christie in town! Keep writing!
11/10/2008 10:14 AM PST
So far of what I've read, I've like the story. I do think that it needs some work editing for spelling, formatting, punctuation... The thing that I noticed here is the internal dialogue, some of it feels unnatural or maybe it needs to have addition description added to it to make it feel more natural.
Another thing that I notices is sometimes it is hard to match the dialogue to who is talking. For example: In the last chapter, the phone conversation with the FED was a little confusing.
If you would like help editing or want any ideas for the dialogue let me know, I would be happy to give you a hand.
Another thing that I notices is sometimes it is hard to match the dialogue to who is talking. For example: In the last chapter, the phone conversation with the FED was a little confusing.
If you would like help editing or want any ideas for the dialogue let me know, I would be happy to give you a hand.
11/10/2008 9:31 AM PST
BRILL!!!!!!!!
11/10/2008 8:54 AM PST
Great work! I loved it, thumbs up:-)
11/10/2008 8:53 AM PST
Ripe for editing, it seems. Lots of effort has gone into this, but it's not polished enough for publication. Your dialogue is stilted in some places--not realistic enough yet. Do not give up!
11/10/2008 8:44 AM PST
Still a good story in the making but I find it needs to be worked on some more. I would suggest copying it into word and using spell check to begin with. Then read it carefully to weed out the spelling mistakes and correct the punctuation errors. Oh, yes, and try to get it all in the same font. I wouldn't give up on it though, it's still a good novel in the making.
I'll come back after you've tidied it up some. Interesting read.
I'll come back after you've tidied it up some. Interesting read.
11/10/2008 8:41 AM PST
smell of stale coffee seeping in through the bottom of his office door
I imagine that his coffee pot sits in an adjacent room or in the
hallway.
************************************************
There was a decision to be made a lesser of two evils of sorts.
Nit-pick.
Shouldn't there be a comma inserted here?
There was a decision to be made, a lesser of two evils of sorts.
*****************************************
Jeffries marriage has been failing for the last five years.
Nit-Pick.
Jeffries marriage has been failing for the last five years.
How do you indicate possession for a name that ends in "s"?
**********************************************************
Jeffries always blamed himself, claiming he should have worked longer or harder even though his Chief explained he worked harder than anyone else would in that department, which is why he got the case. Not only did he get the case but he got the brightest rookie of the bunch, Ethan Hamilton. Hamilton was young but brilliant. Hamilton scored perfect on his entrance exam and had been the model officer ever since.
The above is written in summarily or synopsis mode.
There is opportunity to expand the story here. However,
I guess you are summarizing here because your real story is later.
**************************************************
Instead of shutting down he fed off of his anger and made Jeffries a promise he will never forget. One day maybe Jeffries will call him up on that promise but today didn’t seem to be one of those days.
I notice that many good writers do make partial revealations
which are important to the story. Personally I try to avoid these "necessary" partial revelations.
I prefer more subtle foreshadowing.
*******************************************************
The business card from a real Detective seemed to hit her in the gut, knocking the wind out of her. This is for real. Her Nancy is missing.
You can illustrate her feeling more graphically. This would
strengthen your novel.
What does she say when she sees his card?
How does she say it.
What facial contortions does the detective see?
***************************************************
Rita nodded slowly, just a single nod. Rita was growing weaker by the minute and if she lost her Nancy she wouldn’t even be able to muster a single nod to anyone for any reason.
A question of style?
I would suggest that you not explain Rita's emotions, but simply
illustrate them in a way that the observer would know what
they were.
**********************************************************
“I apologize, my oldest daughter Stephanie, she doesn’t go to school though. She just does her own thing.”
Does this illustrate that Rita is ashamed to admit that
her daughter Stephanie just hangs around the house,
and is unable to get work?
Does Stephanie, later, play a part in the story?
****************************************
Rita started to nervously play with the tissue she had in her hands. Tears stung Rita’s eyes again, as she realized the possibility that she might not get to see Nancy receive her college diploma.
The tears and nervously playing with the tissue is good.
I suggest some other way to illustrate her thinking she might
not ever see Nancy graduate.
"Graduation. Will I even get to see her graduate?" Her words were barely discernible through her sobs.
***********************************************************
Jeffries cut the Chief off mid sentence. He had to explain, make him understand how important this was and how extra help was needed immediately.
Suggest you figure out a way to illustrate this.
******************************************************
"Jeffries give me a break, you are getting way ahead of yourself. Now, I am going back to bed, we will continue this in the morning, which let me remind you is Monday morning, so Nancy will probably be sobered up and call back her mom by then. Good night.”
This paragraph is good. It illustrates very well the chief's feelings.
************************************************
I imagine that his coffee pot sits in an adjacent room or in the
hallway.
************************************************
There was a decision to be made a lesser of two evils of sorts.
Nit-pick.
Shouldn't there be a comma inserted here?
There was a decision to be made, a lesser of two evils of sorts.
*****************************************
Jeffries marriage has been failing for the last five years.
Nit-Pick.
Jeffries marriage has been failing for the last five years.
How do you indicate possession for a name that ends in "s"?
**********************************************************
Jeffries always blamed himself, claiming he should have worked longer or harder even though his Chief explained he worked harder than anyone else would in that department, which is why he got the case. Not only did he get the case but he got the brightest rookie of the bunch, Ethan Hamilton. Hamilton was young but brilliant. Hamilton scored perfect on his entrance exam and had been the model officer ever since.
The above is written in summarily or synopsis mode.
There is opportunity to expand the story here. However,
I guess you are summarizing here because your real story is later.
**************************************************
Instead of shutting down he fed off of his anger and made Jeffries a promise he will never forget. One day maybe Jeffries will call him up on that promise but today didn’t seem to be one of those days.
I notice that many good writers do make partial revealations
which are important to the story. Personally I try to avoid these "necessary" partial revelations.
I prefer more subtle foreshadowing.
*******************************************************
The business card from a real Detective seemed to hit her in the gut, knocking the wind out of her. This is for real. Her Nancy is missing.
You can illustrate her feeling more graphically. This would
strengthen your novel.
What does she say when she sees his card?
How does she say it.
What facial contortions does the detective see?
***************************************************
Rita nodded slowly, just a single nod. Rita was growing weaker by the minute and if she lost her Nancy she wouldn’t even be able to muster a single nod to anyone for any reason.
A question of style?
I would suggest that you not explain Rita's emotions, but simply
illustrate them in a way that the observer would know what
they were.
**********************************************************
“I apologize, my oldest daughter Stephanie, she doesn’t go to school though. She just does her own thing.”
Does this illustrate that Rita is ashamed to admit that
her daughter Stephanie just hangs around the house,
and is unable to get work?
Does Stephanie, later, play a part in the story?
****************************************
Rita started to nervously play with the tissue she had in her hands. Tears stung Rita’s eyes again, as she realized the possibility that she might not get to see Nancy receive her college diploma.
The tears and nervously playing with the tissue is good.
I suggest some other way to illustrate her thinking she might
not ever see Nancy graduate.
"Graduation. Will I even get to see her graduate?" Her words were barely discernible through her sobs.
***********************************************************
Jeffries cut the Chief off mid sentence. He had to explain, make him understand how important this was and how extra help was needed immediately.
Suggest you figure out a way to illustrate this.
******************************************************
"Jeffries give me a break, you are getting way ahead of yourself. Now, I am going back to bed, we will continue this in the morning, which let me remind you is Monday morning, so Nancy will probably be sobered up and call back her mom by then. Good night.”
This paragraph is good. It illustrates very well the chief's feelings.
************************************************
11/10/2008 8:38 AM PST
Hi again Shellie. I have the same concerns as before. It's a good, suspenseful story but it is weakened by missing punctuation marks, misspelling and now I'm noticing cliches.
It still holds my interst though but needs to be tidied up some more.
It still holds my interst though but needs to be tidied up some more.
11/10/2008 8:06 AM PST
Great work! Keep up the good
work!
work!
11/10/2008 8:01 AM PST
I think there are a few wording issues (roundabout ways of saying things and unnecessary adjectives) and character tone disagreements here (Ms. Richardson uses phrases that I wouldn't expect of a mother, hysterical/distraught over the disappearance of her daughter). If you use all the stuff you learned from journalism school, they should clean up pretty nicely. A breeze of ease to read :)
11/10/2008 8:00 AM PST
yeah I like this, very interesting work. Love the characters.
11/10/2008 7:34 AM PST
i like detective novels and this ones really good
11/10/2008 7:18 AM PST
so far its turned out to be great read! of classic detective tale.
I've forgotten how much i use to love to read this stuff.
i like it!
I've forgotten how much i use to love to read this stuff.
i like it!
11/10/2008 7:10 AM PST
Nice! Captivating.
11/10/2008 7:09 AM PST
There is too much dialog here. It would do better as a movie script. Either that or work on putting in more descriptive writing. Readers of a novel want to know all about the characters' appearance, motivation, flaws, etc.
Also, I agree with the comment about your lack of commas.
Judging by the other comments, there appears to be a group of readers who like a story heavy on dialog. Nevertheless, I would always prefer comments more like Chromatoast's if I had submitted a novel.
Also, I agree with the comment about your lack of commas.
Judging by the other comments, there appears to be a group of readers who like a story heavy on dialog. Nevertheless, I would always prefer comments more like Chromatoast's if I had submitted a novel.
11/10/2008 7:09 AM PST
Of course, you can have my vote. Love it, you are very talented. I really like. Good Luck.
11/10/2008 6:58 AM PST
Quick scan on the first chapter in the vote zone.
You have a talent for this type of genre. Think about continous "tweeking" in the future when you write the first chapter, so as to hook the reader in more. Better yet, write the ending first. Go to storymind.com for some great ways to weave story structure with your wonderful imagination.
Best of Luck
DanO
You have a talent for this type of genre. Think about continous "tweeking" in the future when you write the first chapter, so as to hook the reader in more. Better yet, write the ending first. Go to storymind.com for some great ways to weave story structure with your wonderful imagination.
Best of Luck
DanO
11/10/2008 6:53 AM PST
yes you have my vote good luck
11/10/2008 6:47 AM PST
Good stuff!
11/10/2008 6:27 AM PST
i must say i don't really like crime and detective stories but i really like this this is good
11/10/2008 6:03 AM PST
Shellie this is a very good book, and I hope you can get it published through Webook. Good luck g/f.
Hugs,
Barbara
Hugs,
Barbara
11/10/2008 5:51 AM PST
getting even better!
11/10/2008 5:43 AM PST
I love this and can't wait to read more! you are very talented, and you have my vote! Good Luck!
11/10/2008 5:42 AM PST
You have done very well with the composition and the story line.
I hope you get your work published. I will read more later. Of course I voted yes. I like a good mystery. Thanks for pointing me to your story.
I hope you get your work published. I will read more later. Of course I voted yes. I like a good mystery. Thanks for pointing me to your story.
11/10/2008 5:26 AM PST
I must admit that I have a weakness for good detective stories, and this one certainly gets my vote for publication.
11/10/2008 4:24 AM PST
Wow! Awesome story, I love it so far! ~angela
11/10/2008 4:19 AM PST
hmm... sounds most interesting.
11/10/2008 3:45 AM PST
Hi Shellie,
I read a lot of crime noir, like Andrew Vachss, Rex Miller, etc.
I don't think it's fair to compare your work with theirs, as we are in Raymond Chandler or Dashiell Hammet territory there. I can't claim to belong amongst such superluminaries as a fiction writer, so take my advice with several grains of salt. I like your direct approach, but I'd like to see a few more personal, particular details about the secondary characters that flesh them out a bit. Also, watch your use of commas, or rather, the lack of them. I don't have time just now to go through the MS and point out where there should be commas, but their lack, when they should be there and aren't, are a bit jarring. HOWEVER, that's what copyeditors are for, eh? I think you have something good going here; it just needs a little polish. Thanks for asking my opionion.
C Ra
I read a lot of crime noir, like Andrew Vachss, Rex Miller, etc.
I don't think it's fair to compare your work with theirs, as we are in Raymond Chandler or Dashiell Hammet territory there. I can't claim to belong amongst such superluminaries as a fiction writer, so take my advice with several grains of salt. I like your direct approach, but I'd like to see a few more personal, particular details about the secondary characters that flesh them out a bit. Also, watch your use of commas, or rather, the lack of them. I don't have time just now to go through the MS and point out where there should be commas, but their lack, when they should be there and aren't, are a bit jarring. HOWEVER, that's what copyeditors are for, eh? I think you have something good going here; it just needs a little polish. Thanks for asking my opionion.
C Ra
11/10/2008 2:26 AM PST
cool!!! keep up the good work!!!
11/10/2008 1:51 AM PST
wow awesome story- well done =]
11/10/2008 1:26 AM PST
I have read all three chapters that you wanted to be voted on, I have done so and I think that it should be published.
~Aerith
~Aerith
11/10/2008 12:53 AM PST
SHELLIE025,
WHEN I BEGIN READING FORTY CHAPTERS AGO I DID NOT REALIZE HOW GOOD THIS STORY WAS GOING TO BECOME. LET ME BE THE FIRST TO CONGRATULATE YOU. I AM SURE YOU ARE ABOUT TO BECOME A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. I MUST FINISH THE OTHER SIX CHAPTERS NOW AND THEN I WILL TELL YOU MY FINAL OPINION.
WHEN I BEGIN READING FORTY CHAPTERS AGO I DID NOT REALIZE HOW GOOD THIS STORY WAS GOING TO BECOME. LET ME BE THE FIRST TO CONGRATULATE YOU. I AM SURE YOU ARE ABOUT TO BECOME A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. I MUST FINISH THE OTHER SIX CHAPTERS NOW AND THEN I WILL TELL YOU MY FINAL OPINION.
11/10/2008 12:07 AM PST
i do like it. i would deffinately say publish it. good luck with that. i have been trying to publish for the past 7 years but to no avail, i've not aquired an agent of a publisher. woe is me...seriously, do it! i would buy it.
11/9/2008 11:24 PM PST
That was great! I loved everything about it, it kept me reading it and normally i don't like reading, just writing, but that was great! I love it!!!!
I'm up to chapter two though, but right now i what to read the whole thing! I love it!
You have definetly got my vote!
How far are you now, little wing? lol.
I'm up to chapter two though, but right now i what to read the whole thing! I love it!
You have definetly got my vote!
How far are you now, little wing? lol.
11/9/2008 10:16 PM PST
Really Great
interesting read
flows just right
Very Enjoyable read
Great Job !
Wishing you great success :)
interesting read
flows just right
Very Enjoyable read
Great Job !
Wishing you great success :)
11/9/2008 10:05 PM PST
Great writing , sounds intriuging shellie.
Fantasia
Fantasia
11/9/2008 9:52 PM PST
It's a good way to start off with her gone missing and now she's putting down the names of the one's that she might know, though I have have to say that I'm surprised that Jefferies is taking it with her calmest way. Most mothers would freak at that sight of their babies missing. Anyways, keep up the good work.
11/9/2008 9:30 PM PST
your intro is awesome keep up the good work
11/9/2008 8:56 PM PST
you've got my vote as well, it's wonderfully written.
11/9/2008 7:33 PM PST
It's a good story. You paint the picture of the gritty police department well. It's got the feel of great police procedural of the McBain style. Keep after it!
11/9/2008 7:26 PM PST
You've got my vote, dear. You did quite a good job.
11/9/2008 6:14 PM PST
awesome book I love it you've got my vote on this one it should definitely be published!
11/9/2008 6:06 PM PST
great story!
Sara
Sara
11/9/2008 5:57 PM PST
Good job
11/9/2008 5:23 PM PST
voted for you!!!
11/9/2008 5:00 PM PST
good job keep up the good work.
11/9/2008 4:05 PM PST
this is very good. keep it up!
11/9/2008 3:42 PM PST
wow nice, vote for me too
11/9/2008 3:37 PM PST
Publish! Definitely. Great job. I loved it.
11/9/2008 2:58 PM PST
very nice
11/9/2008 2:57 PM PST
i love the idea of the story!
11/9/2008 2:44 PM PST
very good
11/9/2008 2:34 PM PST
the shortness of your chapters helps to to keep everything totally clear. i have to remember this. i write long chapters. oh well, now on to 19 or it is 20?
11/9/2008 2:27 PM PST
its going good. on to 18.
11/9/2008 2:12 PM PST
yes, yes, yes. its getting better. now on to 18
11/9/2008 2:03 PM PST
very good. on to 17.
11/9/2008 1:58 PM PST
perfect. on to 15.
11/9/2008 1:32 PM PST
great stuff. onto 14.
11/9/2008 1:26 PM PST
still going good. onto 13.
11/9/2008 1:21 PM PST
another fine continuation. on to 11.
11/9/2008 1:16 PM PST
finally, i have read enough to give you a fuller opinion. i like that your plot is clear cut and straight forward. i mean its simple enough in its oration or explanation and the sets of characters are not at all clutter or confusing. in nine chapters i have not been confused about anything so far. that is very good. clarity makes reading fuller in my opinion. now on to chapter 10
11/9/2008 1:13 PM PST
Great story, great idea! Good Luck! *Presses Publish thumbs up sign*
11/9/2008 1:07 PM PST
Good luck
11/9/2008 12:52 PM PST
great stuff. on to chapter 9.
11/9/2008 12:38 PM PST
good chapter. still going well.on to 8
11/9/2008 12:36 PM PST
voted
11/9/2008 12:20 PM PST
Wow. I really hope that you get this published! Nice Job!
11/9/2008 12:03 PM PST
fine. now chapter 7.
11/9/2008 12:01 PM PST
You have definitely put yourself into your work. That is what you have to do to make it believable. You have my vote. Take a look at my novel in progress. It is along similar lines. Best of luck.
11/9/2008 11:58 AM PST
very nice. now chapter six
11/9/2008 11:32 AM PST
O.K., NOW I AM HOOKED AND MY INTEREST PERKED. ON TO CHAPTER 5.
11/9/2008 11:21 AM PST
great plot, good job. Best police story I have seen here.
good luck
chord0
good luck
chord0
11/9/2008 11:21 AM PST
its really good. how do u get time to write all of this?
11/9/2008 11:19 AM PST
A good work in progress, keep at it.
11/9/2008 11:08 AM PST
You've obviously worked hard on this. A thumbs up from me!
Best of Luck!
Best of Luck!
11/9/2008 10:49 AM PST
I AM GETTING HOOKED NOW AND REALLY ENJOYING IT. NOW, ON TO CHAPTER FOUR.
11/9/2008 10:38 AM PST
Good start...Jefferies has a good character diamond...good job
11/9/2008 10:25 AM PST
SECOND CHAPTER GOOD. YOUR STORY IS PROGRESSING ALONG FINE.
11/9/2008 10:16 AM PST
JUST FINISHED THE FIRST CHAPTER. ITS BEGINNING WELL AND PROMISES TO BE AN INTERESTING STORY. I WILL NOW START THE SECOND CHAPTER.I ALREADY ANXIOUS.
11/9/2008 10:04 AM PST
Thumbs up from me too! This story puts you in right into the action right from the start. Good luck.
11/9/2008 9:14 AM PST
good first chapter did not get to read all your book but would love to xx
11/9/2008 8:39 AM PST
Didn't get to read it all, but it looks great...Tonight when i'm home relaxing alone i'll read the rest...Good luck getting published!!
11/9/2008 8:37 AM PST
It takes awhile before the vote to appear on your project.
Please check the earlier feedback on your project.
You will see my comment.
Please check the earlier feedback on your project.
You will see my comment.
11/9/2008 8:25 AM PST
I loved this the epilogue of your book.
It moved me to tears.
I am really looking forward to seeing your book published.
It moved me to tears.
I am really looking forward to seeing your book published.
11/9/2008 7:31 AM PST
I sure hope you get your book published. It is really good.
11/9/2008 6:52 AM PST
This story is a well written book shelly025 just has to get this book published she needs an editor from one mystery thriller writer to the other? This story has to much potential to name here It will be a fantastic read to anyone who loves a great Mystery like myself I wish you all the Luck in the world a great read thanks for letting me read this story Author JD Couch
11/9/2008 6:40 AM PST
not another detective story
11/9/2008 6:08 AM PST
you have my Vote..Good luck
-Jabre
-Jabre
11/8/2008 11:08 PM PST
Good luck.
11/8/2008 9:26 PM PST
it is well written and has a good story .
11/8/2008 6:40 PM PST
Thumbs up from me too! This story gets you in right from the start. Good luck
11/8/2008 5:11 PM PST
best of luck, thumbs up from me
11/8/2008 3:09 PM PST
Goodluck, Shellie025, I give you a big thumbs up, you deserve to be published and I am so glad to see you have so much support...you have one of the kindest hearts I know and it gives me so much happiness to see you my dear friend do so well, love Wennie xxxhugs
11/8/2008 2:12 PM PST
Great work I love it! This should be published...
11/8/2008 2:10 PM PST
This has potential. Editing is needed with punctuation and caps! The errors distract the flow, but you have the makings of a good novel.
11/8/2008 11:45 AM PST
Great use of paragraphing and style, as well as dialog!
I enjoyed what I've read so far, you have a talent for scene setting and making your readers "be there" inside the book. This is what I look for in a good book, to be able to "be a part of" what is going on in it.
Best of luck to you and your project in this voting project!
Thumbs up!
anitalite :-)_
I enjoyed what I've read so far, you have a talent for scene setting and making your readers "be there" inside the book. This is what I look for in a good book, to be able to "be a part of" what is going on in it.
Best of luck to you and your project in this voting project!
Thumbs up!
anitalite :-)_
11/8/2008 7:47 AM PST
You got my attention. I'll read your book.
11/8/2008 7:25 AM PST
Looks good. I had a read of just the first 3 in the voting zone for now and have voted in favour of it.
Hope you like mine too? My other project is about to have it's name changed to 'Means To An End' which will make sense much later into the story (when I get to writing that bit). It is work in progress at the moment but please read and let me know what you think,
Phil, x
Hope you like mine too? My other project is about to have it's name changed to 'Means To An End' which will make sense much later into the story (when I get to writing that bit). It is work in progress at the moment but please read and let me know what you think,
Phil, x
11/8/2008 5:46 AM PST
I am a fan of this type of book. Infact I am just starting to write my own cop-murder-mystry. Your book is great!
11/7/2008 8:32 PM PST
it caught my attention right away..and you've got a good knack of storytelling. Got a vote
11/7/2008 7:42 PM PST
The font was that way on it's own I couldn't change it
11/7/2008 6:51 PM PST
It's a good story and you're definitely more than devoted to the process. While I'm at a disadvantage because I'm not an addict of the detective-murder-mystery-genre, I did enjoy the first chapter. I noticed some things for constructive feedback and I'll list them below.
There are many minor obstacles in the piece:
-'rather' is used in a place where rather is unnecessary. Stylebooks preach that you should avoid the use of 'rather' and other qualifiers as "leeches that infest the pond of prose" (Elements of Style), and they're mostly right.
-forgotten punctuation in several places. Example: "...here, Donaldson?" is missing a comma when above.
-The Sobs is referenced as if it were a disease (or a proper noun at all)
-Is an 18 year old police officer possible? It isn't in Canada, where I'm from.
Also, note: your writing stands for itself, Shellie. You don't need to change the font to keep us interested :)
There are many minor obstacles in the piece:
-'rather' is used in a place where rather is unnecessary. Stylebooks preach that you should avoid the use of 'rather' and other qualifiers as "leeches that infest the pond of prose" (Elements of Style), and they're mostly right.
-forgotten punctuation in several places. Example: "...here, Donaldson?" is missing a comma when above.
-The Sobs is referenced as if it were a disease (or a proper noun at all)
-Is an 18 year old police officer possible? It isn't in Canada, where I'm from.
Also, note: your writing stands for itself, Shellie. You don't need to change the font to keep us interested :)
11/7/2008 4:33 PM PST
Good Luck! I voted, :D
11/7/2008 2:31 PM PST
Ollie...lol
Maybe you were distracted and just copied his writing..
Maybe you were distracted and just copied his writing..
11/7/2008 11:06 AM PST
woah just realized i wrote the same this as that other guy
11/7/2008 11:06 AM PST
well done and a vote from me.
11/7/2008 8:29 AM PST
well done and a vote from me.
11/7/2008 7:36 AM PST
great read....
yeah;
I want a signed copy as well....
yeah;
I want a signed copy as well....
11/7/2008 6:37 AM PST
signed copy as soon as its published :)
11/7/2008 2:56 AM PST
hmm not realy my read but i'm givin ya a vote ;) good luck
11/7/2008 1:00 AM PST
I want a signed copy
11/6/2008 9:54 PM PST
Thanks
11/6/2008 9:14 PM PST
Not a fan, sorrry. it's just a bit cliche, but with a little work it could be great.
11/6/2008 8:55 PM PST
Yes it should be published
11/6/2008 8:25 PM PST
You got my vote, Very good reading so far.
11/6/2008 8:01 PM PST
its a good book
11/6/2008 6:50 PM PST
I agree
11/6/2008 6:40 PM PST
Hi,
I've been keeping an eye on the poles and on the works for which I voted. I've noticed that it is quite plain that the best works are receiving the most negative votes, simply because others feel their chances are threatened. There might even be some cross-negative voting, ie, your fans voting negatively on other books, so I thought you'd like to know the following. Please read it and let your fans know that they need not vote negatively to get your work published! i received this email from Melissa, the site coordinator after emailing her my thoughts and feelings about the negative vote.:
From: Melissa
Sent: 11/6/2008 06:38 AM PT
Subject: Negative voting
James,
I've posted about this in the WEbook forums; check it out here: http://www.webook.com/forums/messageIndex.aspx?topic=cce7e374128946999b9c4baca1e2e360&fview=true
We did not anticipate the kind of negativity and unscrupulous voting that we've seen. We will likely not include negative votes in the final tally.
-- Melissa
-------- Original Message -------------
From: jamesbbrown
Sent: 11/6/2008 06:38 AM PT
Subject: Negative voting
Hey Melissa! I am writing because, as I'm sure are many we-booker's, I'm concerned about the 'negative voting'. People are clearly just voting every project (other than their favorite) down without reading the material. This is really disappointing, and I am a little bewildered as to how this clearly inevitable outcome might not have been anticipated.
Is there any talk of eliminating this feature prior to the end of the election? This is becoming a really hostile process, and it seems clear that given the "negative voting" mechanism, the results of this voting process will be impossible to interpret.
How will you select the top 10%? What will determine that ranking from which you will select a work or works? The highest % positive will of course be books only voted on a few time. Will you ignore the negative votes at that point?
In any case, I just wanted to express my profound disappointment at this process. I would love to know to what purpose the negative voting information will be put, as I would sleep better at night. Right now my favorite webook books are getting crushed under the negative weight, and it is tragic.
-James
I've been keeping an eye on the poles and on the works for which I voted. I've noticed that it is quite plain that the best works are receiving the most negative votes, simply because others feel their chances are threatened. There might even be some cross-negative voting, ie, your fans voting negatively on other books, so I thought you'd like to know the following. Please read it and let your fans know that they need not vote negatively to get your work published! i received this email from Melissa, the site coordinator after emailing her my thoughts and feelings about the negative vote.:
From: Melissa
Sent: 11/6/2008 06:38 AM PT
Subject: Negative voting
James,
I've posted about this in the WEbook forums; check it out here: http://www.webook.com/forums/messageIndex.aspx?topic=cce7e374128946999b9c4baca1e2e360&fview=true
We did not anticipate the kind of negativity and unscrupulous voting that we've seen. We will likely not include negative votes in the final tally.
-- Melissa
-------- Original Message -------------
From: jamesbbrown
Sent: 11/6/2008 06:38 AM PT
Subject: Negative voting
Hey Melissa! I am writing because, as I'm sure are many we-booker's, I'm concerned about the 'negative voting'. People are clearly just voting every project (other than their favorite) down without reading the material. This is really disappointing, and I am a little bewildered as to how this clearly inevitable outcome might not have been anticipated.
Is there any talk of eliminating this feature prior to the end of the election? This is becoming a really hostile process, and it seems clear that given the "negative voting" mechanism, the results of this voting process will be impossible to interpret.
How will you select the top 10%? What will determine that ranking from which you will select a work or works? The highest % positive will of course be books only voted on a few time. Will you ignore the negative votes at that point?
In any case, I just wanted to express my profound disappointment at this process. I would love to know to what purpose the negative voting information will be put, as I would sleep better at night. Right now my favorite webook books are getting crushed under the negative weight, and it is tragic.
-James
11/6/2008 6:13 PM PST
The idea of this is strong. Good luck!
11/6/2008 5:18 PM PST
Definetly has potential. This author possess true talent.
Great Job
Great Job
11/6/2008 5:06 PM PST
I really liked this, but I feel I've read things like it before.
11/6/2008 5:00 PM PST
your real good at writing
11/6/2008 4:50 PM PST
In a genre usually devoid of talent in this time, you are an undeniable master of that gothic romance/ suspense writing.Truly well done.
11/6/2008 2:53 PM PST
I wish you best of luck with this project...go for it!
11/6/2008 2:44 PM PST
This is really good work
11/6/2008 2:13 PM PST
great work! i'm loving the story so far!
11/6/2008 1:43 PM PST
great things!!
11/6/2008 1:41 PM PST
You have alot of great stuff!! I really like
11/6/2008 12:21 PM PST
Check out my novel W.H.A.M.
11/6/2008 12:20 PM PST
WOW!!! Great story line.
11/6/2008 10:52 AM PST
very good
11/6/2008 10:30 AM PST
cool...
11/6/2008 10:19 AM PST
i think its alright. i#d by it if it were in the shops
11/6/2008 10:14 AM PST
really good. got my vote
11/6/2008 9:52 AM PST
I may be new but i know what i like, your story sucked me in.
11/6/2008 9:29 AM PST
Only read part of the first chapter its amazing felt like I climbed inside the storie well done!!!!!
11/6/2008 8:54 AM PST
Great stuff! Fingers crossed.
11/6/2008 8:21 AM PST
wish you the best of luck please read my book too! its called "the girl that changed the world"
11/6/2008 8:18 AM PST
thats really cool and the cover picture of the two masks are awesome!!!!!!
11/6/2008 7:59 AM PST
Absolutely LOVE it!!!! Just voted. x
11/6/2008 7:57 AM PST
amazing, wonderful piece
11/6/2008 7:55 AM PST
Thanks
11/6/2008 7:53 AM PST
I enjoyed it but I feel that the beginning deserves a bit more of a punch so that you really draw in the reader. I personally would have loved to have had the room described with a bit more detail and his emotions a bit more in just the opening paragraph.
11/6/2008 7:24 AM PST
heres my vote for you...:)
11/6/2008 7:13 AM PST
yeah u have my vote!!
11/6/2008 6:20 AM PST
cool sounds good
11/6/2008 5:20 AM PST
voted good luck
11/6/2008 3:11 AM PST
omg this is so good. i cant wait to read some more of your stuff
11/5/2008 9:30 PM PST
Great writing-i'm hooked.
11/5/2008 9:27 PM PST
love it love it love it!
11/5/2008 9:24 PM PST
thanks to all those who support me
11/5/2008 9:06 PM PST
It lacks.......a certain type of fluidity to me....
11/5/2008 9:00 PM PST
You got my vote!!!
11/5/2008 8:02 PM PST
I voted! Please vote for me too! My book, God and the Other is scifi, but if you like sci fi, or superheroes, and sarcastic humor, you'll enjoy it
11/5/2008 7:47 PM PST
dang this is very good.
11/5/2008 7:26 PM PST
Voted - excellent stuff (although the font needs to be standardised, but that's minor.)
11/5/2008 7:13 PM PST
Really good Shellie!
11/5/2008 6:49 PM PST
best of luck i love it
maybe can u vote for my book
"poems for all ages"
maybe can u vote for my book
"poems for all ages"
11/5/2008 6:37 PM PST
holy crap this is a good book!
publish it pleaseee!
publish it pleaseee!
11/5/2008 6:32 PM PST
Thumbs up Shellie!
11/5/2008 6:03 PM PST
This is good. Here is my project http://www.webook.com/project/The-Sturtles
11/5/2008 5:53 PM PST
Sounds, very interesting
and promising.....
and promising.....
11/5/2008 5:51 PM PST
You definately have my vote. The very very best of luck.
11/5/2008 5:38 PM PST
I'm hooked.
11/5/2008 5:35 PM PST
You have my vote too!
11/5/2008 3:24 PM PST
Hi Shellie very wellwritten project you have my vote
lol john
lol john
11/5/2008 3:18 PM PST
Shellie-
Speaking from the job experience, well written.
Speaking from the job experience, well written.
11/5/2008 3:06 PM PST
love it, love it! -very intrigued-
11/5/2008 2:33 PM PST
good job.You've got my vote
11/5/2008 1:56 PM PST
interesting and captivating
11/5/2008 1:49 PM PST
Shellie, I love mysterious Detective novels. This story is keeping me on my toes. I am going to have to keep reading more, it is terribly interesting and holds my interest. You know how to write descriptively and give precise details. I really enjoyed your story. Thank you, Tamara0449
11/5/2008 1:05 PM PST
a vote for you,
my friend
my friend
11/5/2008 12:48 PM PST
i liked it, as gonzodave said- good luck!
11/5/2008 12:37 PM PST
Thank you
11/5/2008 12:34 PM PST
Good luck!
11/5/2008 11:27 AM PST
you got my thumb up - hopefully will have a proper read in the future
11/5/2008 10:49 AM PST
Thumbs up from me too, good luck!
11/5/2008 10:42 AM PST
Nice job, good smooth dialogue and it moves quickly enough to keep my interest. I now want to read it all! It's a yes from me.
11/5/2008 10:41 AM PST
wish you luck. you have my vote:-)
11/5/2008 8:12 AM PST
thank you
11/5/2008 8:12 AM PST
Good Luck, I voted
11/5/2008 8:01 AM PST
Thumbs up for def. Hope you win.
11/4/2008 3:03 PM PST
thumbs up. and good luck.
11/4/2008 1:14 PM PST
thanks!
11/4/2008 12:07 PM PST
this looks good! i don't have the time to read it all right now, but what i have read is amazing!
11/4/2008 10:37 AM PST
Thanks shep!
11/4/2008 10:10 AM PST
wanted to make sure my vote counts
11/4/2008 10:07 AM PST
Great story it really drew me in.
11/4/2008 10:00 AM PST
thanks
11/4/2008 9:57 AM PST
I still see some typos and changes in tense within just the first few paragraphs. I think you need to do some work on this before it's ready for publication. It's still an interesting plot and I'd like to see you work on it more.
11/4/2008 7:38 AM PST
I love it well done keep up the good work
11/4/2008 2:57 AM PST
Nice Mich!!
10/21/2008 6:41 AM PDT
Thanks
9/23/2008 1:35 PM PDT
I'd recommend a brief introductory description of her scenario - surroundings, being chained, etc. - to help clue the reader in to the fact that something extraordinary is going on. You wouldn't need more than a few sentences.
At first, I thought the people speaking were just your everyday boyfriend and girlfriend having a spat, and the line "Denise reached her chained hands to her freshly battered cheek" was somewhat abrupt and shocking. Shocking isn't bad.. but in my opinion, readers deserve to have the scene set for them, especially in the beginning, or they'll start to get frustrated with having to fit all the pieces together themselves.
"Hours later Denise lay on the cold concrete floor bloody and beaten. After being tortured and raped for what seemed like days. Denise felt like an empty shell that awaited her fate." - The middle sentence here is a fragment. You could combine it with the first sentence ("Hours later, Denise lay on the cold concrete floor, bloodied and beaten from having been tortured and raped for what felt like days."), combine it with the third sentence ("After having been tortured and raped for what felt like days, Denise was an empty shell awaiting her fate."), or combine all of them into one sentence, creating a chronological and deepening account of Denise's situation: "He raped and tortured her for hours, although it felt like days, and left her laying on the cold concrete floor bloodied and beaten, an empty shell awaiting her fate."
"He came to her slowly and picked her up and carried her to the bathroom he built in the basement." - It's not really necessary to note that he built the bathroom. I understand being reluctant to simply say "He brought her into the bathroom", because most people would then picture your normal everyday bathroom, and wonder why he'd removed her from the basement. You could say "He picked her up and carried her into the unfinished bathroom in the corner", or include descriptions of the tiny room in that area to note bare drywall, exposed studs, plywood, etc. - whatever he used to construct the room. (This sort of information is readily available on how-to websites.) The reader will know, from those clues, that he built the bathroom recently.
"The water was already filled." - Readers can guess you mean 'bathtub', but this sentence doesn't make sense on its own. You could say "The tub was already filled with water." You could even use this as an opportunity to describe the tub (shiny? unmarked by use? porcelain? steel? rusted? stained?) or the quality of the water (murky? brownish? sparkling? reflecting lights from above? oily?) , both of which would add realism.
"He slowly laid Denise into the bathtub and she started to scream." - This suggestion isn't relevant only to this line, but I just had a thought: since the reader's sympathy and attention is supposed to be drawn and held to Denise's plight, maybe you should try rephrasing actions from her point of view. Thus, rather than "He slowly laid Denise into the bathtub and she started to scream", you could say "She felt the (cold? lukewarm? slimy?) water slithering over her skin as he laid her into the tub. Her wounds began to sting and burn. She started to scream." .. or something like that, that's not the greatest example. And why is she screaming? Does she think he's going to drown her?
"Your body is covered in waste and blood that you forced me to inflict upon you." - Blood isn't inflicted, but wounds that draw blood can be. Try rephrasing this as "blood from the wounds that you forced me to inflict upon you", or something like it.
"Plus you wouldn’t want to get that nice sundress all dirty and have traces of cement on it would you?” - I think you mean "semen", not "cement". Although getting cement on a nice dress is a shame, too. :)
"After all, the torture of the water on her body was too much to bear." - Do you mean 'after all he'd done'? Or do you mean the conversational "after all"?
"He just wants to get rid of any evidence, but I can’t take this pain." " I am sorry, Dad." - It'd be easier for the reader to decode these as Denise's thoughts if they were in italics.
“No, I mean I physically can’t stand. Will you help me please?” - This line is jarring because it demonstrates remarkable calmness and politeness. Somebody in Denise's position, someone who has been shown laying on the floor waiting to die, would probably not have the presence of mind to be so clear and concise about their current state. When forced to admit she can't even walk anymore because of what he's done, she might not even be able to say it aloud. Put yourself in a mental state of complete humiliation and terror, and replace this line with what you would manage to do or say if forced to acknowledge the same problem.
"That final thought passed and then she went dark and was finally at peace. " - .. Are you a fan of horror films? One thing they do that I hate is the off-screen death, where a character wanders into the killer's territory and all we get is the scream or the splash of blood that signals the end of their life. You've done something similar here. There's no description of what she hears, feels, sees, or senses before everything goes dark. It leaves the reader empty: we know she died, but after all we watched her go through, we deserve to know how.. or at least, to continue suffering with her up until the point where everything truly does go dark.
This is an excellent scene, but I wonder what can happen next. The killer has killed the woman who spurned him; is he going after Andrew next?
At first, I thought the people speaking were just your everyday boyfriend and girlfriend having a spat, and the line "Denise reached her chained hands to her freshly battered cheek" was somewhat abrupt and shocking. Shocking isn't bad.. but in my opinion, readers deserve to have the scene set for them, especially in the beginning, or they'll start to get frustrated with having to fit all the pieces together themselves.
"Hours later Denise lay on the cold concrete floor bloody and beaten. After being tortured and raped for what seemed like days. Denise felt like an empty shell that awaited her fate." - The middle sentence here is a fragment. You could combine it with the first sentence ("Hours later, Denise lay on the cold concrete floor, bloodied and beaten from having been tortured and raped for what felt like days."), combine it with the third sentence ("After having been tortured and raped for what felt like days, Denise was an empty shell awaiting her fate."), or combine all of them into one sentence, creating a chronological and deepening account of Denise's situation: "He raped and tortured her for hours, although it felt like days, and left her laying on the cold concrete floor bloodied and beaten, an empty shell awaiting her fate."
"He came to her slowly and picked her up and carried her to the bathroom he built in the basement." - It's not really necessary to note that he built the bathroom. I understand being reluctant to simply say "He brought her into the bathroom", because most people would then picture your normal everyday bathroom, and wonder why he'd removed her from the basement. You could say "He picked her up and carried her into the unfinished bathroom in the corner", or include descriptions of the tiny room in that area to note bare drywall, exposed studs, plywood, etc. - whatever he used to construct the room. (This sort of information is readily available on how-to websites.) The reader will know, from those clues, that he built the bathroom recently.
"The water was already filled." - Readers can guess you mean 'bathtub', but this sentence doesn't make sense on its own. You could say "The tub was already filled with water." You could even use this as an opportunity to describe the tub (shiny? unmarked by use? porcelain? steel? rusted? stained?) or the quality of the water (murky? brownish? sparkling? reflecting lights from above? oily?) , both of which would add realism.
"He slowly laid Denise into the bathtub and she started to scream." - This suggestion isn't relevant only to this line, but I just had a thought: since the reader's sympathy and attention is supposed to be drawn and held to Denise's plight, maybe you should try rephrasing actions from her point of view. Thus, rather than "He slowly laid Denise into the bathtub and she started to scream", you could say "She felt the (cold? lukewarm? slimy?) water slithering over her skin as he laid her into the tub. Her wounds began to sting and burn. She started to scream." .. or something like that, that's not the greatest example. And why is she screaming? Does she think he's going to drown her?
"Your body is covered in waste and blood that you forced me to inflict upon you." - Blood isn't inflicted, but wounds that draw blood can be. Try rephrasing this as "blood from the wounds that you forced me to inflict upon you", or something like it.
"Plus you wouldn’t want to get that nice sundress all dirty and have traces of cement on it would you?” - I think you mean "semen", not "cement". Although getting cement on a nice dress is a shame, too. :)
"After all, the torture of the water on her body was too much to bear." - Do you mean 'after all he'd done'? Or do you mean the conversational "after all"?
"He just wants to get rid of any evidence, but I can’t take this pain." " I am sorry, Dad." - It'd be easier for the reader to decode these as Denise's thoughts if they were in italics.
“No, I mean I physically can’t stand. Will you help me please?” - This line is jarring because it demonstrates remarkable calmness and politeness. Somebody in Denise's position, someone who has been shown laying on the floor waiting to die, would probably not have the presence of mind to be so clear and concise about their current state. When forced to admit she can't even walk anymore because of what he's done, she might not even be able to say it aloud. Put yourself in a mental state of complete humiliation and terror, and replace this line with what you would manage to do or say if forced to acknowledge the same problem.
"That final thought passed and then she went dark and was finally at peace. " - .. Are you a fan of horror films? One thing they do that I hate is the off-screen death, where a character wanders into the killer's territory and all we get is the scream or the splash of blood that signals the end of their life. You've done something similar here. There's no description of what she hears, feels, sees, or senses before everything goes dark. It leaves the reader empty: we know she died, but after all we watched her go through, we deserve to know how.. or at least, to continue suffering with her up until the point where everything truly does go dark.
This is an excellent scene, but I wonder what can happen next. The killer has killed the woman who spurned him; is he going after Andrew next?
9/23/2008 1:26 PM PDT
I can't help it people wanted more to read so I posted it. :)
9/22/2008 2:44 PM PDT
Dang Shellie you been busy! Calm down girl, you gotta give people a chance to read and comment! It's gonna take me a while to get to all of them.
9/22/2008 1:27 PM PDT
Very interesting, to say the least. You definitely draw the reader in...can't wait to read more!
9/22/2008 12:02 PM PDT
You started this story with excitement which draws a reader into it immediately. This is very important and you've accomplished this. I will read on to see where you take this.
9/22/2008 11:39 AM PDT
This was a very powerful chapter. You introduced you villian very well, if this is indeed your villian, although I still don't know this guy's name, but that'spart of the mystery. My question is will anyone find out what he did to Denise? I guess I'll have to read on.
Could you check out some of my stuff?
Could you check out some of my stuff?
9/12/2008 9:44 AM PDT
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