This is such a good diary! I can't wait to read it if it gets published!

Thisis FANTASTIC!! I couldn't stop laughing!

LOL
I love this!!
Your title is really good (Orlando <3) and so is your story!! It made me laugh so hard!!!

Hi Sarah,

Johnny WEbook here. As promised, following are my thoughts on your manuscript in its present form, my suggestions for improvement, and my general take on where it could fit in the marketplace as a finished book. Please understand that what follows are suggestions only, the beginning of a dialogue, hopefully, about getting your manuscript to the next level.

So, to begin: I’m a big fan of the work, mostly because it is fall-down funny. The absolute deadpan teenage voice, the oblivious irony in the author’s selfishness, and the blasé delivery felt so pitch perfect, I still find myself questioning your age. (As in: how could someone not a teenager pull this off?) The dream sequences often had me laughing so hard I had to put down the manuscript and pull myself together. (To wit: the one where the mother gives birth to a baby with Nicole’s head and she’s smoking a ciggie and the author blames it on a flaming tofu mocktail from the night before…seriously!?) The other moments that floored me were: the father traipsing off into the woods in a yellow tracksuit; the boxing match between the author and Nicole; the bbq where the mother gets a spatula seared onto her ass cheek—all of these were so outlandish and unpredictable that they completely worked.

Combined with the consistency of the narrator’s voice and the effortless (and punctuation-less) delivery, I truly believe there is something publishable here, albeit with some work.

So, to my concerns: I have two big ones, both of which contributed to WEbook not offering publication up front in the recent vote cycle. The first is the absence of a true plot. While it was kind of brilliant not to have an overarching conflict—as teenagers lives tend to be both plot-filled and yet ultimately plot-less—I believe the story limps to conclusion despite all the individual fireworks in the final third of the book. Second, at less than 25,000 words, the manuscript is not long enough for a marketable novel (even in the Teen category, which is where I’d see it). And while I’m no fan of proscriptive word counts, the book-selling industry is and we’re beholden to their economic tyranny. (Sorry, have been watching too much coverage of the protests in Iran and I’m very revolutionary minded today.) In general, I think upwards of 40,000 words would be considered a minimum.

I think both of these problems can be solved by building a true conflict into the story, a large obstacle or goal that drives all the great small- and medium-sized moments already in place. I have some suggestions, which I’ll get into below, but first a warning: this is a dicey proposition. In the course of radically changing/re-writing/re-drafting any story, it can go off the rails. As you likely know already, a story is a delicate balance. A large injection of material carries with it the possibility of ruining the mix (tone, pace, character, etc.) that you’ve already achieved. That said, I do believe it is the way to go. Just want to make sure you understand that this is my sole opinion, and well, I could be wrong.

That said, I do believe your story would benefit greatly from an expansion and, if pulled off, would help it overcome the two main reservations stated above. If it was me, I’d go bigger. Introduce some larger motivation to the author’s life, like she’s keeping this journal for posterity for when she’s ultimately betrothed to Orlando Bloom—which she truly believes will happen because she systematically analyzes all of OB’s ex’s throughout the book and builds herself into the perfect antidote to all of them. Or perhaps it’s something a little less delusional, like an upcoming contest (a la the Pirates of the Caribbean/phone call with Orlando contest mentioned in Day 39) that she is convinced she will win. Another idea is to have a very real-life drama unfolding all around her—parents on the verge of divorce, she likes girls more than boys, a pregnancy, etc.—that she ignores in favor of all the petty crap with Nicole, Shelly, and the Watson kid. Any of these examples would be enough to power the entire story, which can still be merrily transacted through all the events already in place—the camping trip, the bodybuilding competition, the bbq, etc.

In addition to the overlay of a plot, I think there are other ways to expand and vary the presentation of the story. There were some moments of monotony, which I think had to do with the sameness in the telling. Meaning: there wasn’t much dialogue reproduced, not enough of those great lists (such as sk8r boi’s pros/cons), or any other variance from the traditional self-reflective journal entry, which can only go so far without variation, I think. I also think you can go further with bodybuilding bit with the mother. Her constant workouts, the effect on the father, potential steroid use (?)—that sort of thing. It’s such an obviously hilarious thing—a Mom in a community-sponsored bodybuilding competition—that it almost needs an extra layer of comic frosting, you know?

Anyway, I’m starting to grasp at critical straws now, so I think this basically does it. The main challenge with Orlando Bloom, as I see it, is how to make it into a true, full-length teen novel without losing the near-perfectly tuned comic sensibility that both celebrates and excoriates teenagedom. Definitely a challenge.

Good luck. I here for any questions, the next draft, or whatever.

J

Just great!

I see location is Australia, so not British?  Although, in my experience, very similar sense of humor.  I am from Northern England, but have lived in Florida for a very long time. 

The voice here could SOOO easily be my teenage neices in the UK talking.  Although, I am assuming the author is not a teenager herself as the voice is commanding and sees "her" world with a keen and hilarious eye.  I think it takes hindsight or outside reflection to be able to see the teenage psyche in such a way.  But, maybe I'm wrong! "-)

Kudos!

love it!

Amazing and hilarious, it's such a good thing you're to be published. Are you British? Way to go, British friend.

I'm going to be one of the first to buy your book.
-Rose Lovett

Congratulations! This book is absolutely hilarious, well written and you deserve to have it published :D

AHH!! I'm so glad this is getting published. It's amazing! Conratulations!!!!

Congrats on getting published!

this book is gonna be a HIT in the face!!! (literally, but with good intentions)

congratulations!

congratulations!

Has a wry sense of humor that is missed oh so sorely in todays world, Please publsih

Clever and witty!

~Staci

Good
 and funny

Although it is funny it is in the style of a diary and can be a bit hard to read at times.  I am not sure where the Title comes from and it must be a British thing. Not sure you'd be allowed to use his name if this were to become published. Anyway good luck to you!

fantastic wit!!!! well written and i could definately see this on the shelf at my local bookstore:)

Very witty, funny, but when looking to publish a novel you will have to keep in mind that, even when in preteen markets, 60,000 words and up are expected of first time novelists.

Good luck!

Really interesting project. Teen voice sounded perfectly self-centered. I like the diary format.  Good luck.

This is really well written and very funny. Good luck and great job :D

A revelation for me, an incite into a young mind, and my, what a mind.  Very funny, and gets my vote, yes publish.

Great Job! Good luck!

Funny - Better than jamie Kelly

OMG, this is so funny and clever!  Definitely getting my vote!

Magic. What a brain. My wife rushed into my study thinking I was having a fit, but it was laughter. I said, 'laughing, remember that?'
She looked sour and said, 'I think so.'

Funny stuff - great writing too - gets my publish vote!

Reallly loved it , laugh out loud ....... great talent ....... want more

Very witty.  I really enjoyed reading your work.  More please.

Very funny.  I laughed out loud.  Publish or be damned WE Book.

This is so typical of teen-age behavior.

Haven't read the whole thing yet...but it's quite funny. Actually, VERY funny. Laugh out loud funny. Well done! Hope they pick YOU.

Interesting.

I adore your style.  Your protagonist is just my favorite kind of snarky teen.

You have my thumbs up!

I like it

I'm hooked.

And usually I don't prefer modern stuff, or if I do I don't prefer teen stuff, or if I do I don't prefer diaries.

But I'm simply hooked.

lol ecellent.

this made me lol. Excellent will be reading more.

Entertaining read.  Good luck!  nancy

This is absolutely hilarious!  Publish for sure!

This is very funny. Great job!

Funny stuff.

i actually laughed out loud!

Because I have a "thing" about diaries and journals myself,
this is a MUST PUBLISH> MUST READ> MUST LAUGH
out loud...! Yep, all ten of my thumbs up on this ;-D

WRITE ON...!

I didn't think I'd like this, but it is hilarious. A must publish. It should be required reading for mothers of teenage girls everywhere. Going to work laughing.

I would vote for this on the strength of the synopsis. Love this kind of story, go for it!!!

Very funny :]

I love it! Very awesome. smiles

very well strucutured done bbook its great work well wriutten mike

Interesting book its well documented

Interesting my vote is in
Could you look mine 'watch out'

Bloody, bloody brilliant. Cool, engaging and fresh.

Love it! really funny and well thought out! I look forward to reading more!

great work.

Smirk! You got my vote.

Love it, the flow is great, it feels conversational and you aren't bogging me down with too many details.  I laughed a lot just reading the first entry, good job!

Looks good, got my vote

Yes, I would like to see it published. made me laugh several times.

Awesome! I want it published!
*Voted*
Oh and if you have time please check out my work in progress: Kimberlin, Marshall & Thompson Independant Documentaries. Check it out if you have the time

Hey I agree with Nina-WEbook... good work it's a great read! *Voted*
I also have a book up- 'The A Gang Chronicles'- could you possibly vote?

Brilliant absoloutely bloody marvelous would buy it in a heart beat soo refreshing

You are a very good writer I love your style.  I voted for you please vote for my book "King Loverr: Diary of a Philosophical Loner.

Very entertaining. I must have missed out on young teenage drama lol. you should make a sequel. Loved it!

Reminds me of my younger years!

I stopped reading once you said limp bizket but i found it enjoyable and quite witty indeed.